Why is this a problem

I am sure there is not one if us who has not felt extreme antipathy to having someone under their feet all the time, but separation seems a bit of a strong solution. Sooner or later, at this stage in life, one. Or other of us is going to find ourselves on our own whether we like it or not. I have had this brought home to me on several occasions recently. Our friends seem to be dropping like flies. Speaking personally, I would sooner have DH here irritating the life out of me than not have him here at all.

This seems very familiar.

I think it would be very unfair to ditch a husband in later years, unless there was a much stronger reason than this. TBH I'm surprised you can even think of such a thing!

Can't you find him a separate room in the house where he can quietly do nothing all day while you forget about him? You would have to make it comfortable of course.

Yikes. That is a bit of a leap.
Has he not been pulling his weight for years?

Such good tips. I think that you ladies are very brave and have a get on with it attitude. I am not that kind of person really, I think that if things do not feel right then they aren't right.

What I mean by this is if I am not happy then I should do something about it.

Would it be silly to consider separation or should I just try and adapt as most ladies that have posted have.

As usual I am very confused.

I do love him but he is not the person I want him to be and he hasn't been for a long time.

My husband is not a 'joiner' either, and does not have hobbies, although he is always happy to find things to do around the house and garden, and he likes to read. We are constantly in each other's company, with the exception of every other Saturday in the football season when he goes to the match with our son. I have to admit it annoys me considerably at times and I do let it show. What annoys me more, however, is my own attitude that, despite the fact that he would have no objections to my doing my own thing if I wanted to, I feel so guilty when I actually go off and do something on my own, that I don't get the most out of it. We enjoy walking but, unlike me, he doesn't enjoy walking with a group. I have often said that I don't think he gets enough out of his retirement and he gets annoyed and says he's happy enough and I shouldn't try and live his life for him. For the most part, it works. I like to fish, but am not very keen on the off road driving it takes to get to some of the wilder places where he can take himself off for a walk while I'm doing my fishing. He gets the exercise, I get the solitude!

What really bugs me is that it doesn't seem so very long ago that I was listening to my Mum complaining about my Dad being retired and how full of good and helpful ideas I was then! We were so very busy with jobs, children and general living! Oh, be careful what you wish for!!!! [hmmm]

When DH retired he asked me what I did all day and I told him he then took over all the housework. Initially I felt strange, I had been the homemaker for 42 years, but after a week or two I got used to it and now take myself off to the study or sit and read a book. DH feels the need to keep moving and who am I to stop him

Yep! That could be it.

This is known as transmitter thumb, most often caused by a lack of use. The best remedy is to send him off to the flying field at every opportunity. I am suffering from this worrying condition at this very moment. Building new models is only a short term cure, the day will come for their test flight.

I don't mean he sits around doing it all day! He's usually out flying his model aeroplanes, or in his shed building the next one.

My DH has started to twiddle his thumbs. I don't think I've ever known anyone to really do that, in real life. He does it in traffic jams, during pauses in conversation, whilst waiting for the meal to come in pubs, any old time.

G72 is spot on, it takes time to adjust. I retired several years before Mrs.P so our roles were reversed compared to some. We both have separate interests that we pursue and some that we enjoy together. We go out together several days a week but most of the others we are out with our individual pursuits. Our joint calendar is very full, very few days when we are both free.

Reading this thread I might just encourage DH not to retire!

It does take time to adjust to being retired together. We have one weekday each week when we have a day out together , we take turns to choose where . The rest of the time we tend to do our own thing . I think the key is to each have some personal space in the house where you can choose to be by yourself . My OH has a small office and I use the spare bedroom as a sewing room. If we are in our own spaces the other tends to only come in to offer cups of tea etc.
I think parcs that you should lead the way by doing things you enjoy both in and out of the house and leave him to find his own way through this. He may just need to 'chill' for a bit before making future decisions. I know I watched too much day time TV in my first few months of retirement !!

It can be tricky to get right! My DH loves his work and would be lost without work. It is what he feels defines him. However at 67 working life does not have a lot of time to go! His work is p/t and he goes to watch his football team (home and away) and is often home at least one of the two days I care for our grandson. .
Together at home we enjoy cryptic crosswords and quizzes, outside the home we enjoy theatre and film and concerts & have a busy shared social life with good friends. I am still working p/t but slowing it down ( I am freelance so can control it) and building up local friends and activities via WI & a volunteer role. I am also the gardener and that takes time! DH is reluctant to get involved in any local activities so I do worry that when he is not working any more he will be a bit lost.

Despite our busy life I do think there will be massive adjustments when we are both fully retired as there will be more time to fill! My plan is to buy hm a gift to attend a writers workshop to inspire hom to write a book...that takes ages and loads of research!!

Just imagine if they got together Marelli . Can't even describe the S.O's but it's very loud and I can hear it all over the house .

Marellie....... I really shouldn't have been drinking coffee when I read your post, aaaaaarrrrrgh!Clean outfit needed now.

Marelli I'm practising this ! thanks for the laugh-altho i can see it would get on your nerves-sorry.

Tegan, my DH has a throat-clearing habit as well. He's even started to do it to a beat. It goes like the old song thingy did - "Eye-tiddley eye-ty, brown bread".....the first bit is the throat clearing and the 'brown bread' bit is two sniffs...! Sounds comical, but it's really quite annoying (maybe I make him nervous - )

We've both been retired for around 5 years. I was dreading being together 24/7, but we mostly rub along OK. We share most of the household chores, though OH does the bulk of the gardening.
The biggest problem is that he seems to want us to do absolutely everything together. Even if he's just popping up to B&Q for some screws he wants me to go with him and often gets really angry with me if I say no (because I'm in the middle of doing something perhaps). Similarly he'll get annoyed with me if I want to go out and have a little browse round the shops on my own. We always argue about this, because I like to have time to myself and he simply doesn't understand this - when we were working, he worked Saturdays and I often used to take myself off somewhere, to a local town or garden centre, a NT property nearby and so on. I really miss being able to do that without a huge row. I keep telling him it's not personal, that I just need my own company sometimes, and that I'm surprised he doesn't. I feel it's almost not healthy to want to be with someone all the time. He plays golf, and he's perfectly happy doing that without me. I go to a photography club and he's perfectly happy about that too. It's just everything else we do, he wants to do it joined at the hip!
I understand your frustration Parcs. I often suspect that retirement is a battleground for most people, for one reason or another.

This sounds rather familiar! We have had a few threads on this or similar topics about the irritation generated by husbands who may have retired before their wives. Can't remember the advice given but you could try a "search".

Parcs Don't start erupting! is there a U3A near you where he might find a subject that interests him.
www.menssheds.org.uk/

Find something you want to do and go out and enjoy yourself. He may get the message that he has to sort this out for himself. It does depend on his health issues though.
Several other posters seem to find that it takes a lot of time for a man to adapt to retirement.

Why are so many men so useless at entertaining themselves without a woman to organise them.

Peace in my house and my sanity are saved by separate interests.
Very separate interests, otherwise he would be always forever telling me how it should be done.

I think we all need space, and if the other half gets on my nerves, which is quite often, I will pop to the shops and leave him a few things to do - he really doesn't think for himself when it comes to the every day chores, so a little of being left on his own to get on with it works wonders. Life is what it is and I do sometimes feel like screaming at him to get out of the chair, but it will only create an atmosphere, and we can do without that. I am no angel, I do lose my temper very often, but take it out on the kitchen sink, or the toilet, and the garden helps of course. I would rather he was here as he is, that no here at all.

My first suggestion is for you to have a short holiday, so as to stop you exploding!
Meanwhile, would he then actualy do anything around the house or elsewhere?

If it has not been a problem for you for 5 years, it sound like a change of scenery is need in the first instance.
The distance, physical and mental, may also give perspective, and help quickstart new ways of doing things for you both.