Can't believe my DD

ninathenana I know you have drawn a line under this, but I just wanted to say that I have re-read my post and it is a bit confusing (even to me with my convoluted mind)

I meant: does DD's current partner have an ex and other children, and is he a bit abrupt and can't be bothered with little children, perhaps a bit impatient? I thought that could be why they like being with their Daddy. But it seems not which is good.

I can see that young children may well like slobbing around with Dad, no routine about washing, teeth cleaning, reading etc - and eating junk food not the healthy option at the table. So a year with him could undo any good that DD is managing to do with them.
I don't think he can stop her taking them, it is still the same country (for the time being anyway).

Thank you all for your comments. It has made me see that maybe this is not the total disaster I first thought.

I think the thread has run it's course

FlicketyB no that is not the case. The plan was for them all to move to Scotland. DD and partner had discussed child care, school for the boys etc. He certainly didn't suggest the boys stay with dad. It was only when DD told the dad of their plans and his immediate reaction was "You do what you like, but your not taking my children with you" that they had to rethink things.
Her partner told her he wouldn't ask her to come without the boys. DD has decided for herself that she will.

rose DD and the father are still married. He has no ex's or other children. I genuinely believe the oldest prefers being with his dad. For the opposite reasons to which you refer.
He is very laid back, lives on junk food, they always come back dirty and father spends a lot of time working on cars, which boys love to help him do. If younger one is upset his solution is to give him a biscuit!!
DD insist on good manners, feeds them home cooked meals at the dining table ( he doesn't posses one) reads with older one ever night. Is very tactile with them.

Easy to see why a 6 yr old might prefer to be with dad and just the reasons for my concern.

I too did wonder how your DD's new partner gets on with the children and whether or not they have a good relationship.
If they cry when they come back from their father could it be they are a little afraid of him, is he strict or abrupt because he can't be bothered with small children and they annoy him? Does he have any of his own with an ex-partner?

Without asking any leading questions and keeping it casual you could perhaps find out for yourself what the children feel about this.

Could it be that your DD's current partner would rather not have your DGC living with them and he has both instigated the move to Scotland and suggested that the children stay with their father?

I am not suggesting coercion or anything like that. She may have gone along with his suggestion because she is quite happy to not have the day to day care of her children when she has a new partner.

I am sorry if the above sounds brutal, it is only a suggestion.

Very sad situation for you as GP, but possible your DD is thinking of the boys and the disruption involved in moving them hundreds of miles away. I hate to say this, but we as women cannot have it all our own way, Fathers can be good parents too and maybe he will step up to the mark given the opportunity. I appreciate you are shocked at your DD decision, one that i certainly couldnt make, but be glad that you are able to stay part of their lives, support their Father.

Nfk Yes, DD and partner plan to work all they can (she has a job in place too) save as much as they can and return to this area in 12mths or so. She will then either have the boys living with her or have them weekends depending on what they are happiest with.

Thanks for that bags

It sounds to me as if your DD is doing her best to think with her head rather than her heart. Leaving the boys behind will be a terrible wrench for her, but perhaps she thinks they'll be better off with their dad who they obviously have a good relationship with, hopefully staying in the same school near their friends with two sets of loving GPs on hand rather than being uprooted and taken to the other end of the country. Did you say too that it's just for a year?

ruling out

Obviously I don't know the full story or all the relationship details, but it sounds to me from what's on here as if both parents of the boys are trying to do what's best in the circumstances they are in. They are not simply ruling our certain possibilities because those possibilities are unusual. Good for them, and good luck to all concerned.

How often will the boys see their mother nina if the plan goes ahead?
It seems to me that is the problem - not that the boys won't be living with her, but being realistic, they are unlikely to see her more often than once a fortnight, which isn't very often for small children.
It's very different from if she was living separately, but round the corner from them.

DD will be taking older boy out on their own to talk about it in the next day or two. Partners job was only confirmed last Tuesday.

rose you have basically summed it up. The boys may have to change schools though, depending on where he moves to. He is currently a half hour drive from their school. That would happen if they went with DD though.

Horrible situation for you Nina. I would be worried too. Has anyone asked the children, especially the older one, what they would like? I feel for the poor children as I am sure they will miss their mum more than your DD seems to think. Heartbreaking situation. But the worst thing for you must be not having any say in the matter ((Hugs))

I think things are different these days, there are lots of single dads who manage very well, let's hope he bucks up and makes a good job of looking after them and that you see them frequently too.

My mistake. I read partner not ex-partner sorry.

No legal rights, but he's willing to go to court to get those rights, he has already consulted a solicitor. DD can't afford a court case.

Will your DD be working too when she moves? Perhaps she feels that, if she and her partner are both working long hours, the boys would be better with their father if he can give them more time than they can. Perhaps, too, she thinks it is time he took on more of the responsibilities of fatherhood and it sounds as if he is planning to do that.
With a father and two sets of GPs, no change of schools, doctors, friends etc it may be less unsettling for them to stay with him.
I hope they have plenty of contact with your DD in the next year and perhaps they will want to move back in with Mum when they come back.

leave them
don't think he will look after them as he should.

Clicked post message accidentally.

You did say the boys' father is "emphatic" that isn't happening. So he is insisting on that.

I have no idea where you got the idea I said the partner has insisted she go with him! You said that was "the plan".and I assumed that was the crux of the problem. I am even more now!

Soutra DD would never split them up. The oldest gets upset because he wants to be with his dad and the younger picks up on it. They are settled, well mannered and well behaved. The 6 yr old is doing well at school.
Going to live with dad rather than mum is hardly treating them like parcels. Especially if it's as we think what they want.

My concern is that she is willing to go and save them. I can't get my head round that one. Also I

Should have said that the children do not go with their mother sorry. They have joint custody agreed by themselves they haven't been to court. they have e equal parental responsibility. At the moment she has residency

Soutra excuse me where did I say that DD' s partner has insisted she go with him ????
It is unfortunately what she haschosen to do.

jings he does want them. He is willing to move to a larger place to accommodate them. At the moment when they have their one night a week at his, all three share a double bed ! The other GP' s will apparently move to the area to assist with child care. How I don't know as they both work.

The children will probably be fine with their daddy, but it is hard to understand how your DD can consider such a thing. Of course, she'll know what sort of father he is, and she must trust him. Worrying for you, though, Nina