The annual wedding present cash gift dilemma....

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One of the most fun gifts we received was a wedding night basket. It was a lovely basket filled with treats including caviar, crackers, pate, fruit, wine and wine glasses. There were a couple of other food items, but I forgot what they were. It was a very nice and thoughtful gift that we enjoyed very much.

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It does make sense to give more to someone who is providing you with a day out but [as I'm learning about with my family] when it comes to siblings you have to do everything possible to diffuse any jealousy. Never had brothers or sisters myself so it's all a minefield to me .

Mmm yes I will probably even it up - the logic if you can call it that is that I asked DD1 if I could pay for something for the wedding(s) itself for both e.g. the cake and GS is not now having one. I was treating the gift as a separate issue and would do both the same.

GillT57 your reply did make me giggle - no fights, not that I heard about anyway!

As a sibling I would be miffed at knowing I got less.

Yes, I would always give the same amount to siblings. In fact I make a note of how much I've put in exam congrats cards for my GNs so that I don't give more or less to the younger ones when it's their turn. It's a minefield!

I've never heard the rule about covering the cost of dinner. Wouldn't that mean giving more to the ones who can afford the lavish do, and perhaps need it less?

I know that we missed out by getting married in Kenya, though my parents were always scrupulously fair. This didn't apply to some other relatives who I know gave gifts to my sisters but managed to conveniently forget about us, even though we were back in Britain for good eight months later. My very cheap in-laws gave us a tenner to buy a picnic set which wasn't very lavish even in the early '70s and I know they gave his brother and his wife a rather swish canteen of cutlery. So I try to be very careful not to let my DS2 and his partner feel that they have been sold short by not being married, unlike his brother and his wife.

Wilmaknickersfit I read your post of 12;31 rather quickly and thought you had written so fights were involved not flights........when you were referring to one of the christenings being in Ireland....

It seems unfair to me teetime on the face of it - what is the logic?

Gosh, that's a difficult one, Teetime. Siblings tend to expect to be treated the same and seem to disregard things such as how well off one might be compared to the other etc. I'd tread very carefully.

TT I think your post is spot on, not at all unfair.

My parents had jewish friends who learnt that they were on the next list for the concentration camps. They were not poor and had family land, but arrived in UK with nothing, made a life here with their kids.

My mother always quoted to me a phrase of the wife.

Give when the hand is hot.

I have always remembered that in my giving.

My eldest GS is getting married on a beach in Florida on Nov 5 we are not going (wild horses etc etc). They are having a celebration party here at the end of the month when they come back - no food or drink other than nibbles is being provided but we shall go despite having to put up in an hotel for the night and have a meal out. I asked him if he had a wedding list I could see as I prefer to send a gift. He replied thanking me saying that as they have lived together for some time the had 'more than enough and probably too many things' but if I really wanted to give them a store gift card that would be very nice. In the light of this I'm planning to give them £100 voucher and a bottle of champagne to toast them. His sister is getting married next summer in a formal wedding ceremony with all the exs I am planning to give her £200 towards her cake and £100 voucher, I have thought maybe that's unfair.

Sorry WKf - I should have read more carefully as you were making much the same point.

I have always understood it should be the cost of the dinner. What would it cost for 2 people? If you are being asked to "bring a dish" they may well not be expecting presents. Has this been made clear?

I cannot afford to attend weddings these days any more than I can afford to eat out with lots of people I don't know at a cost I cannot afford in any other circumstances.

Sorry if that sounds a bit curmudgeonly but I bet I am not the only one.

One wedding was in the USA and the other was in Ireland (one of the Christenings too), so flights were also involved. The world is a smaller place in many ways, but at a cost.

Yes Wilma, the price of the hotel, petrol, meals out etc all adds up,as we found to our cost last year.

£50 sounds fine to me, unless you have given more to other family members who would get miffed. If you're worried you could always do what we do in these circumstances - give the £50 and a small inexpensive gift that's hard to guess the price of but keep them happy!

When a couple who are already established, I much prefer it when you are told not to buy them a gift and that you attending their special day would mean more, especially when you would incur the cost of staying away from home.

Sadly we have not attended two weddings and two Christenings in recent years because of the staying away from home costs to us on top of a gift and used my health as the reason. I would have loved to have gone and doubt if the families really thought about how much it can cost to attend these days.

It was beautifully simple in Hongkong.

If you went to a Chinese wedding banquet you just gave HK$100 in a lucky Red Packet, and it was both symbolic and to offset the cost of the dinner I think, rather than a gift for the happy couple.

That was about £10 but I imagine the going rate is rather more than that now!

I think gifts of cash are better than random toasters or apostle spoons, and cash avoids the dilemma of going to the dreaded wedding list and finding there are either only very expensive things left, or the odd tea-towel.

It is common in NL to have a box into which people put money. DS thought his close colleague was very generous to give 50??.

I have heard of people paying straight to the travel company towards a honeymoon.

I think that giving cash has become more prevalent because couples live together before marrying and already have a home and contents.

£50 sounds a decent gift to me. I certainly wouldn't think you were being stingy. Or you could get them a £50 voucher for John Lewis. Enjoy the wedding!

I always give a water jug. I hate giving money unless it's a close relative. I feel it's becoming grasping. I heard of one couple asking cash only in a post box at the reception and taking the cash to the travel agents on the Monday for the honeymoon.

We gave DH's nephews £300 pound each and friends' children £200 and our DIL's brother got £100 in John Lewis vouchers because I bought the bridesmaid dresses for GC and we weren't invited to the wedding. DH is overly generous and bought a PA, at work, a dining table from John Lewis, I did get slightly annoyed over that.
DS and DIL requested no gifts when they married but asked if anyone wished they could contribute to their university hardship fund.
I think a lot depends on whether the couple already have a house and are living together. You should just give what you feel comfortable with.

£50 is what we gave to DH's friend and his fiancee when they got married last month.

thankfully, we don't go to many weddings.

it has to depend on your means I think.I do the same as Janeainsworth,
£50/60 to children of friends and about £100 to children of relatives, but only if they request money, I would rather send a gift.