So confused and Angry

Your baby is their grandchild but only their grandchild
However she doesn't leave her children with her MIL. The parenting styles are very different and MIL won't look after the boys as their mother would like

With due respect those two statement sound contradictory to me Annis51

Yes, they are grandparents and I don't think it matters if they have different 'grandparenting styles'; children will learn the difference and whether or not they prefer one to another. I think it does them good in fact.
My DM and MIL were very different indeed in their styles of parenting and subsequent grandparenting, and my DGC noticed that from a very early age (and can have a little giggle about it now they are grown-up).
Who is to say which way is wrong and which way is right as long as the children are well cared for?

But you have written an essay,*several*. What is the big deal?
This was not a request for advice, but an appeal for justification of your antipathy to your in-laws.
Personally I do not recognise any of thedysfunctional behaviour traits you describe either of your in-laws or indeed your DH. Including my sons in law, the young (well, in their late 30's) men I know take a mature attitude to their relationship with their parents, they do not duck out of arrangements which are inconvenient by claiming they "have to consult 'er indoors"
Not do people arrive uninvited or insist on staying when it is inconvenient, that is if they are given that information in a reasonable manner. A simple "sorry, can't do those dates" would be respected. They do not read other people's messages on their iPad or have a strop over a baby's bedtime on one single occasion.
I am not sensing any genuine attempt at communication, just reaction and overreaction. Oh and a general invitation to the sharing of "in-laws from hell" anecdotes.

Why?

Oh, I've just read the other thread you started in July, Littlepig which seems to be all about how awful your MIL is! Sorry, I've lost all patience and sympathy now.

Crafting after we have our holiday dates we normally tell everyone and then they choose when to come during those times. Mostly its about a week that they tend to stay or less, sometimes longer in summer but then they arrange to split time and rent an apartment for some of it (not at our suggestion). My husband quite likes when my mum comes as she irons all of his shirts! And takes our dog for walks etc and in general is pleasant and doesnt expect to be entertained, the rest of the family are the same, they come to see us all and in general their stay never adds any stress to our lives or have any expectations from us.

I dont really know what to say anymore.....ive tried to explain myself without writing an essay, i am not looking for people to tell me im right and justify my hurt nor am i looking for sympathy- i was looking for advice, and the general consensus is that i put a smile on my face and just get on with it because they are my husbands parents and while i may not like their behaviour towards me, i cant change them, so i can only continue to do what i have done over the last 10 years which is the same as above.

Nonnie im sorry you have a DIL who tells lies about the kind of mil that you are, i know many people with really lovely mils who are a great help to them and it sounds like your other 2 DIL are lucky to have you.......but if you think my post is false and untrue, why waste your time commenting on it? I've obviously touched a raw nerve with you because you are experiencing the same as me but on the opposite side. You dont believe there are pil as bad as i tell you mine are.......but if you were to know the truth and see that im not lying and they have done the things that ive said, what would be your advice?

I recognise that this is all at face value....and that there are 2 sides to every story, but i can only tell mine.

Me and my husband are from the same city, there arent any cultural differences- economic and social- my husbands family have money and are posher than mine and are more politically opinionated etc, but im not some uneducated scallywag either, i just come from a working class single parent family.

Also id like to add that while im close to my own family, we've had our fair share of butting heads but we work it out and we all respect each others space and privacy, they come and visit when we have school holidays because they want to spend time with us as a family and relax.

No, littlepig has said her family always ask when they can come but doesn't say how often they come, how long they stay and what her DH thinks about it.

I'm sure Littlepig has answered that question already, Crafting, but my brain's too addled by now to read through the thread yet again...

Jane why didn't you answer the question? If you read the threads you will see why I think her post may not ring true. I am not prepared to take this at face value. So easy to just assume it is all true without hearing the other side. Do you really believe any parent is as bad as that? Why would they be? My experience is that most MiLs and FiLs bend over backwards to accommodate their DiLs.

Perhaps Jud is being brought in as a mediator to sort out the in-laws!

littlepig do your parents ever come and visit? How does your DH get on with them ?

Yes, sorry I was confusing it with that other thread on a similar topic. Nanrayna has said it all really.

Does anyone read the thread? judthepud??

Just what I bought Ana.

You only know one side of the story.

Judthepud? I really am losing the plot...
(or someone is!)

Am I the only person who thinks Littlepig66 has put up with a lot of bad behavior from some excruciatingly rude people who have been taking liberties because they have a blood tie to her partner?
If that was me I'd be just as fed up with their high-handed attitude. In fact I'd have thrown a wobbly by now and refused to have them barge into my home whenever they chose, but told them they would have to go and stay somewhere else until it was convenient for my family and myself to have them visit.
Boundaries, people - boundaries!

Jane says she has read the thread.

Hmmmm nonnie your complaints are beginning to sound familiar. This thread is about poor old Judthepud not a general anti mothers of sons theme. Her PiLs are being unreasonable and unkind, actually a bit thick really -behaviour almost guaranteed to lead to worsening relationships. They have most to lose in this situation.

IT IS ONE FLIPPING WEEK.

I was the one who mentioned a fortnight. Apologies.

#readtheeffinthread

Does your son have children? Is your relationship with his wife the same as with your own DD? It is just that so many seem to have problems with their MiL and not the own parents that one has to wonder whether it is as one sided as we are led to believe. I have 3 DiLs, 2 are wonderful and I have a great relationship with them and their families but the other seems to think I am the wicked witch of the west! She says much the same as the OP and much worse, none of it is true!

Nonnie I'm not just the mother of a daughter. I have a son too. My dear MiL seemed instinctively to understand how best to get on with us all. I can only wish the OPs PiLs could be as sensible, practical and just plain kind as she was.

Annis51 do you have a married son with children?

The OP's PILare only coming for a week.

I thought it was only one week they were coming for? Or am I losing the plot...?

Either way, if the OP and her DH are working full time during the week, they're probably going to be too knackered tired to do much 'going out' etc. in the evening.

Just saw your posts and I feel so sorry for you. In law problems can be very upsetting. My daughter has problems with her MIL too.
I read all the posts and for what it is worth you have my sympathy.
Your in laws seem not to have entirely accepted that you are the most important person in their son's life. It says in the traditional marriage service that a man must leave his parents and cleeve unto his wife but this is left out nowadays so parents forget or don't know. They have no choice but to respect your wishes.
So my advice is to say that they have to stay in a hotel or B&B because it is too much for you to have them staying at your house. You have a full time job and a child and that is enough. You mentioned that money isn't a problem. 2 weeks is a very long time to have to put up with in laws if you don't get on.
Your baby is their grandchild but only their grandchild and if you want contact with your grandchildren (I have 2 grandsons aged 7 and 3) you have to put the effort in to get on with their parents in order to have contact with them. You don't have a legal right to see them at all. It is all at the behest of the parents. It strikes me that your in laws are very demanding and you just have to say no they can't stay in your house. This will make them remember their manners.
Is part of the problem because there is a class difference between you and your in laws? A social difference or an economic one? Can you speak the same language? It was unkind of them not to tell you that the family BBQ wasn't at lunch time in advance. However on the Continent children stay up much later than in the UK (where I live). My grandchildren stay up late and their other Granny disapproves. They also don't sit still in church and she doesn't like that either! We're Catholic and they are Protestant so it's tricky there.
So I've trained my sil to put his wife first and to listen to her. When I think my daughter is wrong I just gently say You're making a mistake darling. However she doesn't leave her children with her MIL. The parenting styles are very different and MIL won't look after the boys as their mother would like. Needless to say I do and I'm having them for most of half term so the parents can have a holiday.
So tell your in laws that they can't stay with you. If they don't like it they will have to put up with it. You can then see them in the evening for a short time. They could have dinner with you. The baby may or may not be in bed but that is the consequence of not coming in the school holidays. I think that they should come in the school holidays. Have they told you why they are not doing that.
Meanwhile best wishes and try not to let their behaviour get you down or cause arguments with your husband.
And 2 weeks is a very long visit. After 3 days fish and guests go off!!!

Jane10 I have no idea about half term in Spail, it isn't half term here. I understand how hard it must be for the parents of girls to see what might well be going on here but time and again we see young mothers having a go at or about their MiLs. So easy to understand your own family and not bother to try to understand your DH's.

B&C yes, I see you understand.