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So confused and Angry

(204 Posts)
Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:29:27

Hi ladies,

I hope you are all well and enjoying the joys of grandparenting! Ive come again for more advice because im just so confused ( look at my previous post for history).

I tried to take all you lovely ladies advice and in the end i decided it would hurt my husband too much to cut his parents off, but that we would keep our distance and contact would be low as it is has been which is easy as we live in another country but we have our boundaries etc which have to be upheld.

Fast forward and i feel so angry i could explode, we visited in summer and while things were cordial and everyone was nice to everyones face....our wishes were ignored and disrespected. For example they asked to have a bbq so friends and family could see the baby, ii told them ofcourse but that due to general routine it would be better for lunch time....nothing was said till the actual day and the bbq was organised for 6pm!!! I felt rude for having to put my baby to bed but this is only the small things.......

Getting to the point, we have told everyone that it is best that they visit us diring school holidays- we are both teachers and so have time off and routine can be more relaxed.....we were told that it wasnt a good time for ny in-laws to come then and so they gave dates they wanted to come which dont suit us....but my fil asked "what else would you be doing that we cant come?" When my husband replied that he had to check with me to make sure we had no plans my fil acted like a bully......he said to him that "i can come and visit when i want".......i mean seriously?????? We are 2 grown adults with a very busy day to day life anf we dont have a close relationship with them.

We offered alternative dates but none were good, so we gave in, but i cant help thinking that we shoukdnt have because we were bullied into it and really we dont want them here then.

Sorry for the rant, just feeling very frustrated and annoyed and im just totally clueless of what to do next.....

Fast forward a

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 18-Oct-15 17:37:07

How long are they staying for? Six months? A year? Oh, only a fortnight. Put yerself out. hmm

As for the bbq, couldn't you really have kept your baby up till 7 pm? Just once? hmm again

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 18-Oct-15 17:38:28

I'm sure others will be along with much more sympathetic and motherly advice soon. smile

Sorry you just got the site harridan.

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:41:53

Jingles it not the point of how long they stay for....when they come they treat me badly, extremely passive aggressive and expect to be waited on hand and foot and entertained. Ive put myself out for the last 10 years for them and we gave them a time frame when they could come when we woukdnt be working and they could spend quality time with us and the baby, as an adult i told think people should be telling me when they can come to my house and if i say no it doesnt matter because they can come anyway if they want.....

In respect to the bbq, i tried to keep my baby awake for as long as i could, but there was only so much i could do before he atarted squealing his head off and refusing to be held by other people

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:44:44

I appreciate your comment jingles, it would be lovely if it was all so straight forward, i dont think id be asking for you lovely ladies advice if it was

hildajenniJ Sun 18-Oct-15 17:45:24

I am sure your in-laws will be able to amuse themselves while you are at work. If you live in a different country I don't suppose they have much opportunity to see their grandchild. Be reasonable. I am sure you can manage their visit without too much disruption in your routine. Smile and be gracious.

Ana Sun 18-Oct-15 17:47:06

When they come, do they stay with you, Littlepig? And if they do come during term time and you're both out at work all day (and presumably the baby is in nursery), what do they do all day? Or do they expect one of you to take time off to entertain them?

If so, it does seem very unfair and I can understand your annoyance - I'm afraid I just wouldn't pander to them! They can't just visit 'any time they want' if it's your home and hospitality they're taking advantage of...

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:48:14

I have been flexible, but its such a pity that instead of coming when we suggested..... They choose to come when it doesnt suit us, so therefore they wont see as much of or enjoy their grandchild as much as they could.

Luckygirl Sun 18-Oct-15 17:49:48

Having got the harridan bit out of the way (phew!), my thought would be that your underlying relationship with them is so poor that it is very hard to feel happy about any decisions that are made, and that this sort of difference of opinion is likely to loom large in your mind; and that small things grate.

I hope that letting off steam here will mean that you are able to grit your teeth and take it on the chin.

Feeling bullied is deeply unpleasant; but even worse is the feeling that you have caved in when you wish you had stood your ground! Feeling annoyed with oneself is not a good place to be!

I am sure that they will see when they come how busy you are; make sure they have plenty of time to twiddle their thumbs!

Heave a huge sigh of relief that they live in another country!

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:52:28

Ana, they expect to stay at our house and they expect my husband to entertain them, aswell as me. For their past visits i have been on maternity, but now im back at work, im not entirely comfortable with being at work all day so that when i come home i have to feed and put my baby to bed and tidy up after them( they dont pick up after thenselves). Im trying to not pander to them i just feel their visit has been forced upon us...

Crafting Sun 18-Oct-15 17:54:01

From what you say, your baby is a boy and one day he may have a wife who is not keen on you visiting him - your precious son who means the world to you may one day be with someone who doesn't like you for one reason or another. How would you feel then if his wife said to him let's cut your parents out of our life.

I'm not saying I agree with your in-laws way of going about things and no way should they be rude to you but as you don't live near them try putting up with them for the duration of their visit, your DH is after all their son.

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 17:56:15

Thanks Luckygirl, your comment made me laugh......much needed!

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 18:03:36

Crafting when my son is an adult and a grown man with a family of his own, i couldnt imagine imposing myself on him and his family when they didnt want or need me there. Hopefully i will lead a very full life and my kids as adults will add to my happiness, not be my happiness.

I also hope that i have the decency to respect my son and future dil's space and privacy and not desrespect or undermine them and i certainly hope that i have a good relationship with my that she wants.

One thing is for sure, i will accept...graciously how they want me in their life and how much they want to include me afterall it is their life and their children, not mine.

But you shoukd understand is that cutting my husbands parents off is not an easy decision and not something that has happened overnight. We are talking 10 years of passive aggressiveness, boundary stomping and backstabbing.... Of us....all because they dont get their own way.

Grannyknot Sun 18-Oct-15 18:05:25

littlepig your post is riddled with resentment!

My advice would be (and sorry if it's tough but I'm with lucky and others): you won't be the first or the last person to have to put up with annoying in-laws for two weeks every (how many)? years. It is really not worth aggravating things and escalating this into a bigger deal than what it is.

What would your husband like you to do?

As for picking up after them, just don't. Your house can look like a bomb's hit it for a week or two. Cooking - M&S Gastropub or similar, you clearly have no need (or wish) to impress them, so take every short cut available.

Two weeks is not very long at all and then your life and routine can go back to normal.

I don't think you were bullied (that word is often bandied about much too easily) - rather that you compromised which is commendable.

I must be Site Harridan #2 ... smile

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 18:10:15

Dont worry not looking for sympathy.

It wasnt really a compromise because if we had of stood our ground and said no, it would have esclated very quickly and became very ugly. Im just not very comfortable with having 2 people stay in my home who speak vadly of me and dont reapect us primarily as 2 adults and then as parents.

Thank you for your advice.

Elegran Sun 18-Oct-15 18:11:17

So don't pander to them. If you come home from work with the baby to put to bed and all the rest to do, then say that you are so tired and could someone please peel the potatoes/empty the dishwasher/set the table or whatever needs to be done and then you will start on the meal when you have had a sit-down and a drink.

It would be even better of someone else cooked a meal - why not do what someone on the forum does - a three-day cycle. First night, you cook, the next night the visitors cook, the third you all go out and eat. Repeat for the holiday. If you are out at work they can entertain themselves all day.

They are not backward in saying what they want to do and doing it. You have to equally frank - but not rude - in saying how you want things to be. But stay friendly, and remember that your DH is to them what your baby is to you.

Bellanonna Sun 18-Oct-15 18:11:53

Just ignore the self styled harridan LP66. I agree with Ana, above. I just would not pander to them either. I'm guessing perhaps that they are avoiding the price increase in half-term and school holiday flights, which does make it expensive to travel in those times. But what's the point in visiting when you are both at work and are you happy to have them being in your home when you are not there? I would feel just as you do, and I think you should be able to suggest a few dates for them to choose from. Of course that means you are with them all the time, so maybe being out at work has its advantages after all? Hope something works out for you.

Ana Sun 18-Oct-15 18:14:39

I don't understand with the in-laws can't visit during school holidays, though. Presumably they're retired?

I agree that a fortnight is not very long and it's certainly worth putting up with a bit of inconvenience and never mind the mess for the duration - but surely they could be a bit more considerate as regards dates?

Ana Sun 18-Oct-15 18:15:10

'why the in-laws...'

Ana Sun 18-Oct-15 18:16:22

x posts Bellanonna!

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 18:17:02

Ha elegran- they dont cook, clean or do anything..... I learnt that when my MIL came when my baby was just born.....she came to help which meant not giving my baby back to me when he needed fed, refusing to change aa nappy that had poo in it and picking up my sleeping baby everytime i left the room without my permission..... And yes generally out of respect, especially if you arent close to this specific person, you ask before you pick up someone elses

rosequartz Sun 18-Oct-15 18:20:11

I am sure my SIL grits his teeth when we descend on them for 7 or 8 weeks .... (but he manages to put on a brave face, bless him)

If you're staying with them, surely you put up with what they want to do fall in with their wishes?

If they come to you, you must be nice but firm and say 'this is what we do in our house' - and smile.

Personally, I must be a pushover because I fall in with anyone's plans.

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 18:20:51

Its not that they cant Ana, they wont come then because we told them that they could come then and not whenever they wanted......yes they are retired and money isnt an issue

Maggiemaybe Sun 18-Oct-15 18:31:39

As others have said, LP66, your best bet is just to grin and bear it for the fortnight. If you dislike them so much, it's surely best if you're out of each other's hair for most of the time. Why would you want to spend your holidays with them under your feet? Takeaways, as little housework as possible and biting your tongue for the duration is the way to go. The visit will soon be over and you can get back to normal.

Littlepig66 Sun 18-Oct-15 18:47:02

Thanks maggiemaybe, i think thats just what ill do!