dgd hates me

Iam64 I could never find out what worked with DD2
Getting her up and to school was - well, enough said!
Guess what her job is
She's a teacher lol

To coin a phrase, it was master manipulation I suppose. But, it was positive, kind, warm and friendly so what's not to like.

Ah yes rose quartz but the cereal was something my 12 year old prized above anything when she came in from school. She'd get the huge bowl of cereal, put the tv on and chill out until it was time for homework/evening meal. It was a special time for her - I was absolutely shocked when the 'when and then' technique I taught in parenting skills groups worked. I honestly had expected her to go into teenage moaning mode, it's not fair etc. but she responded in the same positive manner that I'd suggested it. Who knew!? Not me that's for sure.

My younger DD would probably not bother with the cereal if it meant tidying something away .....

It's the power of positivity over negativity isn't it. When and Then - I found myself using the 'when you've hung up your coat, put your school shoes and bag away, Then you can have a bowl of cereal' to my 12 year old. I'd forgotten it works with small children but was desperate - I'd come in and fall over the stuff she'd scattered as she came in and headed for the sofa and a bowl of cereal. The remarkable thing was she responded with 'ok mum', did exactly that and we kept it up (for a bit )

If DGD2 is being awkward about putting on clothes or shoes to go out I often say 'I bet DGD can't put her shoes on all by herself, can she' or 'I don't suppose you can button up your coat, can you' - and she is only too happy to prove me wrong!
It usually works although occasionally she has snookered me by saying 'No, Granny, I can't!'.

Oh gosh, 'Santa won't come' is just not right at all

I do hear it a lot, and it's an empty threat anyway. I have heard people say to children they're going to write to Santa and tell him how naughty the children are, and I think it's unkind and unproductive.

Positive messages are better and keep the atmosphere happy

My wee grandson is almost two, but he understands a lot, and he can be awkward about getting dressed, getting his coat on and so on. What usually works is describing the fun things that are going to happen when his coat gets on, or saying 'which arm in the coat first?' and making a game. Of course it doesn't always work. Last week, I really needed him to get ready and he was running about saying 'no' and none of the above worked...so I just said 'OK, Gran will have her cross face then,' and I just looked at him without smiling, not even especially crossly, and he said 'no, no cross face' and let me put his coat on.

I had only used this once before, and haven't used it since, as I think I could over-use it! I am not expecting it to work for much longer, anyway.

Many years ago one of my sons was in a relationship with a woman with two children. The boy had no problem with me but the little girl who was 4 at the time kept telling me to get out of her house.

One day I explained that I didn't want to leave because I had found the nicest, prettiest girl in the whole city. Her face was a picture but she did smile a bit.

Over the next few weeks she kept telling me to leave and I kept repeating the above reason why I couldn't. Eventually she would say it and then fall about laughing when I came up with my answer. We ended up having a lovely relationship. Sadly my son and the woman broke up and I never saw the children again. I have grandchildren now but I often remember those days.

The other thing about using positive messages is that they tend not to invite a negative stroppy response.

My 2 year old DGD is very reluctant to sit in her car seat and messes around sitting on the floor etc. We have developed a ritual whereby she chooses a fruit pouch (I always keep a few in a tin) and she knows that when she is sitting nicely strapped in I will open it for her. Is it a bribe? - or is it a reward? I hope it is a way of recognising that at 2 years old she cannot understand why she needs to have the seat belt on and she needs a bit of encouragement. We always praise her for doing it nicely.

Sometimes she is reluctant to go home, especially if she has got embroiled in an activity, and I always say that Mummy is looking forward to seeing her and so is her little brother, and that Daddy will be home soon and will be disappointed if she is not back - all attempts to say something positive that makes her feel precious and wanted, rather than telling her she cannot go home if she does not do X,Y,Z.

She is a bit of a reluctant eater - always has been - and I try and say for example "When you have eaten two more spoonfuls, we will see if there is a yoghurt in the fridge. Maybe you could help me find one?"

These things do not always work, but they do tend to feel positive, which is always a good thing I feel.

Never give a threat that you won't carry out.
I would try and keep to the positive and 'if you eat your dinner we can....... 'is far better than 'if you don't eat your dinner......'
Language is very powerful and small words have importance such as 'when you put your coat on we can.........'
These don't have to be bribes - just a fun thing like shuffle through the leaves.

Etheltbags, the thing is the Santa threat wouldn't actually be carried out, that's the difference. It's ok to make a threat and stick to it. Don't finish dinner? No pudding. Don't do something else shes refusing to cooperate with, then no bedtime story, or other small treat, and stick to it. It's not fair to say Santa won't come because of course he will. So that's unrealistic as a threat. I do wish you well with little GD because mine is 3 , too, and often behaves in the same way. A realistic threat works wonders. Good luck !

Being positive, praising good behaviour, catching them out being good and ignoring (so far as its possible and safe to do so) some of the 'bad' behaviour seems to work well.

I think everything I say is manipulative, I tell her to eat her dinner or there will be no pud or sweets, if she doesn't put her coat on I tell her she cant go home ot mamma etc etc. that's the way we speak to children is it not . Im open to suggestions here.

oh dear, I simply thought it would encourage her to behave. I was told that and I told DD that but I didn't think it was manipulative.

Yes I agree with Iam64 on that one,

Telling children that Santa doesn't come to naughty children, especially as early as october, feels highly manipulative to me

She loves me today despite being grumpy with her cold, and has promised to be good if she can have the Halloween goodies at my house.
This came after she was a bit rude to me in the shop and I said that Santa doesn't come to naughty girls and she cried, apologised and I said he would come if she was good. I feel that Im being manipulated.

You're very brave ethel, de-tangling her hair!!

just wait until she starts schools and gets nits

ethelbags I reckon someone else in your DGD's life uses the phrase 'I hate you' as a casual comment, whenever something goes wrong, from using it for people to things. As I said to DD this morning I HATE energy price comparison sites (see another thread). She was telling me how she HATED tradesmen who didn't turn up as planned and we both had a soothing moan.
So do not worry, DGC is just using the phrase to indicate that she doesn't like something, whether having hair detangled or anything else tha stops a 3 year old doing whatshe wanst all the time.

One of the things I have learnt over the years is that words or phrases that mean little to one person can be deeply wounding to another. I long ago learnt not to describe myself as 'coping' with some minor problem because for some reason DH sees that word as being used to mean someone who is angry and resentful at being lumbered with a task someone else should be doing, possibly himself. No, I do not know why either.

ethelbags isn't it crazy how dgc can wring your heart and then make it all ok again with a smile.

My DGDs used to detest having their hair detangled. Now that they are 23 and 13 you couldn't imagine more hair-conscious girls. So don't worry - just let it go and one day she will appear with lovely tangle-free hair. Or you could buy her one of those de-tangling brushes and let her have a go herself.

Detangle hair! - I wouldn't bother if I were you! - my DGSs have the most tangled hair in the universe and I just let that wash by me! They would be appalled if I had a go at it - their Mum never does!!

today was great, no tantrums just play apart from when I tried to detangle her hair then she said she hated me, oh well, I did my best.

Yes, in some ways it's harder than being a parent.When we were parents we didn't worry about DGC ' not liking us' we didn't need to be their friend, we did what was best and that was that.Now, we would like it to be all fun, but for those of us that see DGC regularly, it can't be, as we do need rules.