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dgd hates me

(107 Posts)
etheltbags1 Wed 21-Oct-15 21:50:46

I adore my little (almost 3 yrs old)DGD however recently she has been saying she doesn't like me or hates me. The other day she cringed away and hid under the clothes horse so I couldn't take her with me.
I have my faults but would never hurt her or say anything to upset her and this is really hurting me.
The other gran is spiteful and spends all her time and money on DGD buying her stuff every week, taking her for drinks in cafes and shopping. If you ask DGD what she does with the other gran she will say they go shopping for toys. DD has tried talking to her about other issues like feeding the child on a large bag of sweets just before her lunch, giving her chocolate every day etc and the other gran just cries and runs out of the room which means grandfather (step), gets would up on his wifes behalf and a row ensues. DGD watching all this. The Dad is very laid back and says we are over reacting, however every now and again he will have a huge row and everyone is not speaking again DGD sees and hears this.
I really wonder if the other gran is trying to turn DGD against me. How do I cope as I cant afford to buy treats every week, I wouldn't spoil her if I could afford it. I would rather put the money in the bank for her.
How can I convince my DGD that I love her so much.

Luckygirl Wed 21-Oct-15 22:03:16

Don't try and convince her - don't talk about it - ignore any silly behaviour like hiding behind sofa.

You are the adult and she is too young to be embroiled in your feelings of rejection.

Just be a jolly gran according to your rules (e.g. no need to stuff her with sweets as you don't agree with it) - laugh off any nonsense and distract her.

Rise above it! smile

Luckygirl Wed 21-Oct-15 22:04:25

And don't try and convince her that you love her very much. Just BE loving.

tanith Wed 21-Oct-15 22:05:31

ethelbags your DGD is three years old and children of that age say all sorts of things that they have no idea the meaning of, she sounds like she's just repeating something she's heard without even knowing what it means. You should really ignore what the other grandparents do or don't do and concentrate yourself on making a good relationship with your DGD , there are lots of things you can do that don't cost anything and that aren't unhealthy. Take her to the park for fun or let her help you cook or just play games and read to her and ignore any remarks she makes as the more you make of it the more she will do it just to get a reaction she is testing her boundaries with you as children do as they grow and realise how to get the power , so ignoring her is the best thing to do.
I hope things get better with time as there is nothing like time with ones DGC.

etheltbags1 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:21:57

I have had a couple of sleepless nights over this but I know I am the gran who does things, I let her paint (to heck with the carpet its old anyway), cook (the floor will wash), feed the cats (I know I will have to wash her hands after), jump in the puddles or plodge in the river (her clothes will clean) etc. She doesn't need lots of new toys/clothes/dvds etc.
Being with her has helped get over my cancer as I just cant worry about me when shes there. I just cant help being upset that she says she hates me and pulls her hand out of mine.

Coolgran65 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:31:17

You are doing great, sound like a lovely gran.
Dgd is pushing boundaries and finding a reaction.
I also would ignore what she is saying, not try to talk to her about it.
Don't give a reaction.
My loving dgd once told her mum that I'd smacked her, insisted upon it. I said nothing to her about it. Eventually one day mum said that dgd had something to say to apology.

Coolgran65 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:32:50

She doesn't hate you, she is trying it on, even at that young age.

etheltbags1 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:48:51

the little monkey told the other gran that my mother, great gran (84) had kicked her. GG can hardly stand on 2 legs never mind raise one of the m to kick anyone. (she wouldn't dream of it anyway).
We all laughed at this .
She also told me that she had a sore foot, when I asked her what had happened to her foot she said she'd dropped a skull on it ! Another time she said she had been playing with the ghost in her room but it was scared of the skeleton under the bed. So maybe she does make things up I know that's part of childhood but I still cant help being upset.

Crafting Wed 21-Oct-15 22:49:08

ethelbags she's 3 years old. Children of this age say all sorts. My DGD (who I adore) told me I was an nasty witch. When ever we were together with her other gran it was always her she wanted to be with. The more you show it hurts the more she will wind you up. Just Cary on being the loving gran and do all the things you are doing, cook with her, play with her, jump in puddles all these things count more than toys in the end believe me.

My DGD is older now and we get on really well. She is wonderful, kind and loving. Just ignore what she says, keep loving her and act naturally.

etheltbags1 Wed 21-Oct-15 22:57:57

Oh dear is she really winding me up, I thought I was the champion winder upper. Ask some gnetters. I wonder who the bairn takes to ?

Seriously I thought she meant it and I had done something to upset her, I did speak sharply to her for running away from my hand the other day, near the main road but I panicked and grabbed her and told her off. I also told her off for putting her fingers near the flame of the gas hob and she cried on both occasions. This is the only time I can remember raising my voice at her, I thought she may have remembered.

Nelliemoser Wed 21-Oct-15 23:10:57

At that sort of age my daughter used to say "I don't like you anymore" when things were not going her way.

My reply was always something like "Oh Dear" (or tough) because I am still your Mummy and I going to look after you until you are grown up."
Just be matter of fact about it and say. Well I still love you. ignoring silly remarks.

rosequartz Wed 21-Oct-15 23:24:12

If she says she doesn't love you or like you I would be inclined to say 'Well, I love you very much!'

I had to shout at DGD the other week as she climbed on to the back of the sofa and was about to launch herself off. She said 'I don't like you Granny' and cried a lot and wouldn't speak to me for quite a while. However, I would rather that than she jumped off and hit herself on the furniture.

I thought I was the champion winder upper
grin I think you have a rival!

Actually, children that age say exactly what is on their mind at that moment, without guile or the knowledge that it could hurt someone's feelings. The next minute they are lovely and loving again.

harrigran Thu 22-Oct-15 00:33:45

GD1 got very cross with me because I wouldn't let her push her toddler sister out of the toy car, she shouted at me " get off me Daddy's mummy ". She clearly thought she was insulting me by not calling me Grandma grin

Grandma2213 Thu 22-Oct-15 02:30:39

I have a 3 year old GD who calls me ''bad" when she doesn't get her own way. I also have a 6 year old who often says, "I wish you were dead". Yes it hurts sometimes but it has to be ignored. When they say "I don't love you," I usually say, "Well it's a good job I love you enough for the both of us!"

As* rosequartz * says they are soon back to "I love you. You're the best Nana in the world."

I just hope that when they are older they remember the painting, baking, stories, songs, adventures in the woods, wet welly walks, kicking up the leaves in Autumn, snowballs in Winter and all the rest of the times we spend together! I certainly will!

Hang on in there ethelbags1 and the rest of us wicked grans.

Leticia Thu 22-Oct-15 07:48:36

You first reply by Luckygirl is excellent.
It is very normal for 3 yr old to say 'I hate you', 'you are not me friend' ,'you can't come to my party' etc etc etc. It is a bit more extreme in this case because not all adults are behaving in her best interests.
Just keep being yourself- and I agree with Grandma2213 and use a phrase like 'never mind I have enough love for two' when they kick off.
Children are not silly they realise what is important in the long term- just not at 3 yrs old. Be consistent, be yourself and giving time is far more important than sweets , toys and trips to cafes.

rosesarered Thu 22-Oct-15 09:47:58

I would never have said anything ( rude) to my Grandparents, and our children never did with their Grandparents either, so I do wonder why this generation feel they can say anything at all, even if they are only three.
we have a three year old DGS, and if we have to say 'no' he may glare or do a lip quiver, but that's all.We also have an autistic DGS so have been called everything under the sun, but that's understandable.
ethel I think your DGD is getting a lot of mixed messages about you from family members, but just be yourself with her and keep calm while the dramatics go on.Eventually she will see that you are always the same nice calm Gran.

rosequartz Thu 22-Oct-15 09:53:24

get off me Daddy's mummy ". She clearly thought she was insulting me by not calling me Grandma
harrigran grin and lol!

I think by the time they get to 4 or 5 they have learnt (we hope) that it is not kind and hurts people's feelings to say things like that.
However, 2 or just 3 year olds do not reason like that, in that instant, because you may have thwarted what they want to do, they don't like you and say so.

Bennan Thu 22-Oct-15 11:36:01

I agree with the other posters. She is trying to establish herself, they all do at this age, and she is pushing her boundaries to see how far you will bend. My younger GS is now 4 and went through exactly the same type of behaviour. We just ignored his tantrums, left him to his own devices when he was rude and he soon came round. Don't get pulled into arguments with the other GP's, they have their way of treating her, you stick to your guns and just be the loveliest grandmother you can be. Good luck!

Jane10 Thu 22-Oct-15 11:47:55

Does she watch a lot of TV? Could all the skull/skeleton stuff be coming from there? When DGS is staying with us or vice versa I always watch with him so I know (and edit) what he watches. Some so called kids programmes are awful. Our DGS certainly picks up words and phrases from TV which he doesn't understand but uses nevertheless! I think you do exactly the right thing ethel by giving quality time. That will be remembered long after the sweets and cheap thrills are forgotten.

inishowen Thu 22-Oct-15 11:58:33

I don't think she hates you! My three year old GD went through a stage of saying people had hit her. She said mummy, daddy, me, DH, and children at nursery had all hit her. My daughter was worried that the nursery staff would pick up on it. She has never been hit, and suddenly stopped saying it. As others have said, just keep being a nice, gentle granny, and she will settle down. Forget about what the other gran does. It's not your business. You just need to have a happy home, where she's made welcome.

Falconbird Thu 22-Oct-15 12:29:29

Don't worry ethel and don't take it to heart. Two of my three sons used to say really nasty things to me - (the eldest is and always has been a gentleman and his little boy takes after him) but - my little gd - well she really has a go at me from time to time. It's just a phase and it will surely pass in time. Just stay calm and carry on.

elena Thu 22-Oct-15 14:56:58

I agree with other posters - she's three, she doesn't really intend to hurt you.

However, the other stuff in your post sounds as if it is an uncomfortable set of family dynamics all round.

It's not good for your little granddaughter to see people unable to control their emotions or their tempers.

I don't know what you can do about that, except keep your own calm and temper, and don't be critical about other family members.

hulahoop Thu 22-Oct-15 15:35:22

Ethelbags my 6yr old grandson said he didn't love me because I didn't visit as much as other grandma we live 1-2hrs drive away and I had just finished chemo and my hubby had just had major surg it did upset me as before our illness we saw them a lot it just another prob cancer had created (in my mind) I admit I did cry my son was upset and explained to my grandson who then rang to say sorry and this week he came home from school and gave me a massive hug I knew in my mind he didn't mean it but I felt guilty about not seeing them even though it was circumstance money and gifts are not always things they remember it's spending quality time with those that love them so don't worry .

NfkDumpling Thu 22-Oct-15 15:41:55

When children get to around three, some earlier, some later, they seem to realise the power of words. They learn to lie and tell fibs, sometimes really ridiculously funnily blatant, and that their words have the power to hurt as well as flatter. It's part of growing and developing and not meant. By trying out these new powers on someone with whom she feels safe and securely loved she's showing she's not daft(!) - and she realises that you'll always be there for her.

Calm reasoning will show her there are alternative ways of dealing with situations rather than just going off the handle and shouting.

You are the Gran Who Does Stuff and that's far more enduring than the Gran Who Just Buys Stuff.

LuckyDucky Thu 22-Oct-15 15:53:58

Hi ethelbags1 - how annoying and hurtful.

Why not keep a supply of balloons in the car. No-one can be glum when they're around. Those watching won't be able to just look on but join in.

Keep info on local kiddies attractions in the glove compartment in your car or in one of the pockets in the rear of the car.

As panto season is almost here, why not take her to a panto? If you book early, you may be able to buy seats within throwing distance of those on stage. The panto and you will be remembered fondly.

Onto the breech dear friend. grin