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Worried about my Dad

(7 Posts)
ladytina42 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:56:27

Oh Dear...such a long story, i'll try and condense it.
Background - i have a 40 year old nephew (lets call him M) who has sponged off my parents for years, he has no 'legal' job, does work here and there...he's a bit of a bad lot, his mother (my oldest sister) has practically disowned him for all the trouble he has caused over the years, he doesn't see his father. BUT my parents has refused to believe any of his wrong doings. When Mum was alive (sadly she died last year) she gave him the odd £10 or £20 here and there but knew what he was like and was careful with money....

A few months ago he was evicted from his home and my father has taken him in, even his mother (my oldest sister) told dad not too - she, like the rest of us, could see what was coming. My dad is 82 years old and we have just found out that he has been giving nephew money - it appears to around the £2000 mark so far - even though we asked him not to hand any money over - with promises that it would be paid back.

This has all come to light this week, unfortunately none of us live close to Dad (i am 300 miles away - my nearest sister about 30 miles always) Apparently the house is in a filthy state and M was supposed to be arranging a cleaner. I spoke to Dad today and told me today that M has sorted a cleaner out, i asked what that was costing and Dad said £30 an hour! i said surely not Dad, that's far to much (my feeling is that this is another way for M to get money out of him.

Anyway, another of my sister and husband are going to see Dad this week and try and find out what is happening. Apparently M stays in bed all day, rising late afternoon and we know he smokes 'wacky backy' even though dad has asked him not to do it in the house.

I should point out that my 1 am one of four girls, my dad always wanted a boy, Mum said they would have stopped at 2 children if they'd had a boy but after 4 girls decided they couldnt afford any more. So you see M is the son dad never had.....

Are we wrong to interfere, Any advice would be helpful, Dad likes to show that he is coping on his own after Mums passing but when i spoke to him earlier he sounded really fed up.

I really just wanted to vent - sorry - but any kind words or advice greatfully received


Crafting Tue 27-Oct-15 20:02:19

Perhaps your father is lonely and likes having someone in his house. Is your father fully in control of his faculties ? I suggest you go and talk to him about your concerns.

M0nica Tue 27-Oct-15 20:59:29

Has your father given anyone a Power of Attorney. If so, this might be the time to talk to him about activating it. If he has not given anyone a PoA I would approach the subject with care unless your nephew, tries to influence your father to grant him the PoA and on the basis of what you have written would make a bad situation worse.

However, the best thing you can do is talk to your local (or your father's local) branch of Age UK. They have enormous experience of situations like yours and can give you a lot of practical and legal advice about what to do in a situation like this. Perhaps armed with their advice you could then visit your father for a few days and put any recommended actions in place.

Luckygirl Tue 27-Oct-15 22:26:29

It is very hard. I remember my Dad being "taken for a ride" by the bank after Mum died. He agreed to a totally inappropriate investment. We none if us said a thing as we did not want to undermine his self-respect.

I can see that there is an element of this in your current dilemma. However it is absolutely clear that this is what would be categorised as "elder abuse" and you need some advice.

How would he react if you just said outright that M is a bit of a bad lot and you think he is taking advantage? Would he dismiss this?

It is a delicate situation and I do not envy you this. Are the sisters able to work together to solve this? It must be an uncomfortable situation for M's mother as her son has been "offloaded" on her father, who is more vulnerable than she is.

ladytina42 Tue 27-Oct-15 23:18:44


Thanks for your replies, in answer to a few questions :- i do think my dad liked having M around, and would be happy about this if M wasnt such a bad lot, we are largely a family full of women so dad is very fond of M and they have things in common - both IT and mechanic nerds. I say liked because now i think Dad may be getting fed up of him, with his lazy ways and apparent showing no signs of getting a job.

I do think Dad is still in control of his faculties though i have a few concerns on this front - as his mother had dementia in her old age. I have hinted to dad that M is a bad lot but he shouted me down and won't hear of it.

One of my other sisters is visiting later in the week and she and her husband are going to try and have a word with him. I guess at this stage we really need to find out what he really wants. i.e does he still want M there or not?

If we get no further i may have to consult with age concern and see what we can do....

Judthepud2 Wed 28-Oct-15 19:39:25

What do you actually mean by 'a bad lot' ladytina42 ? Is he gambling? If so, get help for your dad now!!! Investigating POA sounds like the way to go.

tanith Wed 28-Oct-15 19:45:50

There might be something here that helps..