Family at Christmas

How about a Christmas starting with a Christmas Eve Carol service or midnight service if you have transport and can lie in. Buy a stocking now and in the 29 days left (sorry to mention it) buy a little something every day and wrap it for yourself and put it in the stocking( a magazine you wouldn't normally buy,an unusual chocolate,a miniature liqueur,a glittery eyeshadow,nail varnish a cd or DVD out of your usual comfort range) if you wrap and put in the stocking and pretend it's for your best friend(you) and you will have saved money by not going away then you can splash a little. Think out of the box as they say for lunch on your own,fillet steak for one as you're not buying a turkey and perhaps a retro prawn cocktail, followed by a Heston Bloomington small pud. Dress up or down as suits you. Invite people round for Boxing Day drinks/ coffee as your house will be lovely and tidy and they will be glad to get out of their house. Someone earlier suggested the op went out and got a man . Not sure after a divorce that is the solution but I read in the Times this morning about something called Stitch which is described as Tinder for seniors. This is off the top of my head wondering what I would do. But I'd probably sew all day

I so agree about the media hype adding to the emotional baggage of Christmas. Being home alone can be a depressing prospect, but only if we let it. If it is truly unavoidable, then a plan B could be to spoil yourself with all your favourite food and drink, watch your way through a box set which doesn't mention Christmas, celebrate with the family before or after if that suits them better, perhaps reinvent the "12 days of Christmas" where the festivities don't start until Christmas Day and end on Twelfth Night. You could plan a "treat" for each day, including sharing time with the family but also doing things you want to do.
Others have stressed the importance of getting things in perspective, sorting it in our own minds and finding a way through which doesn't cause bitterness or feelings of guilt.
Contrary to what we see on TV the rest of the country is unlikely to be sitting down to a Dickensian feast with a 20lb turkey, smiling happy children, a serene domestic goddess, an immaculate house looking like something out of Selfridges Christmas windows and carols wafting through the air.

Most of these dilemmas would not occur if we and the media all stopped hyping Christmas so much. It is easier to just think of it as another day.

My DD and children live 50 miles away over the hills so there is always a potential for bad weather closing off the roads.

DD is a nurse and has worked shifts over Christmas. (she is on maternity leave at present).

Her Mil lives around the corner from them and DDs sister in law and young kids come over from Holland where they live and it is good for the cousins to meet up.
So I am not likely to see them on Christmas day but we just do Christmas with DD as near to Christmas day one side or other of the day when she can get here.
It's me and him left at home and him is not exactly communicative company.
A good jigsaw can keep me occupied.

Nansypansy, if you feel it wouldn't ruin the day for you, it would be a generous gesture to invite your ex. If he refuses your invitation, at least you will have made the offer. After I divorced we got on better than ever for a while, and I did the same. That all changed when another woman, who felt insecure, came on the scene.

I need a bit of advice too. I am going to my daughters for Christmas again - nearly 200 miles away. My son lives locally and my estranged husband lives in an annexe with them. Last year I did an early Christmas lunch for my son and family and my daughter which was very successful. This year, all of a sudden, I am doing it again, as my dd and one of my dgd are down. During this past year I have seen quite a bit of my ex and I don't know whether to invite him too. (He was the one who 'dumped' me after 40 years). What do you think gransnet friends?

On the alternate years when we don't go to our son & grandchildren we take 2 foreign students from a northern university. This is arranged by HOST. I do not have their address on hand. One year we went for dinner st the local pub on Christmas eve and then had a nice lazy day at home. I enjoy the Queen's speech. A log fire & a glass of sherry.

Stansgran, you made me LOl, for which thanks . That's the problem with democracy isn't it, everyone gets to vote

I don't know anyone whose Christmas is stress free and I don't believe I'm unusual in that. It's heartening to see so many positive or pragmatic posts on this thread. Surely none of us want to increase the emotional temperature at this already high emotion time of year. I haven't caught up with Mumsent yet Stansgran but I'm happy to accept your summary. Young parents have so many pressures. Many families have both parents either working themselves silly, or unemployed with the pressures that go with that. We don't' own our children and we certainly don't own our grandchildren. We're blessed to have them,even the one's who cause us anxiety and stress.
God Bless us everyone

I've done Christmas most years of my marriage apart from a couple of times when we took our children abroad to escape from too much commercialism. Last Christmas we had an en masse meet up in the Lakes. To me the importance is that the DGC have a proper attitude. That giving is as important as receiving ,the reasons we celebrate, and that it is just not a feast of gluttony and greed. I want my DDs to make their own traditions . Yes I can understand people on their own who had expected not to be to be very disappointed and I do wonder what I would do if I were on my own. I've been reading with open mouthed dismay at threads on Mumsnet about PILS have tantrums if the GCs don't come or issue ultimatums but can't bring dogs or burst into tears. These people have the vote.

I've thought about this some more and I think if your child/grandchild was diagnosed with a brain tumour, or was killed in an accident, etc., you would be devastated.

If your family are alive and well but just doing something different on one day in the whole year, then being devastated is really getting things out of perspective.

Marblerun, please take this the right way and get a grip.

I do feel sorry for you marblerun as you were looking forward to their visit so much.

Would it be possible to tell you daughter that you will miss seeing them and suggest that you come and stay in a B&B or small hotel nearby so you can all be together. As for cost, perhaps that could be your present from them?! Also you will not be providing a large Christmas meal.

I hope it all works out for you.

I agree with the people who say don't go and stay in a hotel / B+B to be near them. It would be difficult for your DD who is probably feeling bad anyway at changing plans. We have never felt it so important to see the DGC on Christmas Day . Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't. This year we are only having the grand-dog! DD and family are going to the inlaw's, but they also have dogs and their poor old thing can't cope with a lively pup and an excitable terrier ! My DS and family live nearby and will come over before lunch for a drink and present opening - they will then go back home and DS will cook (as he does every year) for DiL's family . I'm lucky I suppose as I still have other family- brother ,sister and her brood and my old mum . We generally spend Christmas together but things do change as families grow up and have other commitments. I sometimes think it would be nice just to slum it all Christmas in my PJ's !

I feel very sorry for you. Christmas is special for grandparents. The children might be disappointed as well. What about going to stay nearby and coming to 'the other grandparents' on Christmas Day? There is bound to be a B&B that would be happy to put you up. Or you could go to your local church for the Christmas services. Our local church has a Christmas lunch for those on their own.
Maybe it is time to start looking for a new partner. Being divorced is a beastly experience. My parents were divorced and my father married his mistress so he wasn't on his own but my mother was. She never even looked for another man and it was tricky at Christmas and Easter. Someone had to have Mummy for Christmas. My sister and I did it but I had her the most. My four children were very fond of her and she did help a lot with everything. She used to come and take over so that we could have a holiday without them during the term.
Anyway perhaps you've just got to bite the bullet and accept that your life has to change. Go out and meet more people so that you find a new man and then you can share your life with him. When the children have grown up and got children of their own you have to make a new life and then it doesn't hurt so much when they don't come for Christmas. I've got only one of my 4 daughters coming for Christmas well she lives here with her husband and 2 little boys. None of the others have kiddies yet. I see my grandsons every day so I'm very lucky. If I didn't I would miss them very much. They don't go to the other grandparents even though they live 2 miles away. No invite!!!!
Another idea is going to a hotel for Christmas but this is pricey. Some people go abroad and forget Christmas altogether. Also pricey.
When you have a new man - there are lots of lonely men out there - you can have very posh food on Christmas Day and go to town on it. Smoked salmon parcels and venison steaks and very good wine. Then you can be a single woman and do all that again.
Where do you live? There may be another on gransnet who is in a similar position and you can spend Christmas Day together.
Best wishes and try not to get too fed up about it.

Good points , JamJar1 and shysal. I don't think, marbelerun, that you should travel 200 miles to stay alone in a hotel nearby. For a start Christmas travel can be awful and weather not good. Let them enjoy their Christmas week, you're near there may be uncomfortable guilty feelings which you wouldn't want to have caused.
It's good that there will be people on here on Christmas Day, Gransnet is always a good place to come! As shysal says, consider doing what you usually do each alternate year. I expect your friends will be very understanding of your disappointment this year.
Taking your DGC to a panto or for another treat between New Year and the beginning of term is a great suggestion and something for you all to look forward to.
A friend who has volunteered at Christmas meals has always had a lovely day, felt useful and met lots of people there. It's not, however, everyone's choice, neither is offering to chat to someone alone in a hospice or care home, that would probably need time to arrange anyway.
You do what's right for you!

I agree with Cher53. And I refuse to let Christmas get me down.

The way I do it is to remember Christmas doesn't all have to happen on one day. When your family grow up there will always be others they want to see, in the shape of in laws etc. You have to find new ways of celebrating and the way I do it is to say I'm very happy to fit in with whatever and then have a Christmas Day at mine at some time over the festive period. I'd really hate for anyone to think I'm difficult or that they have to tread carefully or they'll upset me. Christmas is a happy time not one for feeling sad. I'm fine so long as I see my family at some point.

This year, for the first time for absolutely ages they've all decided to come to me on Christmas Day. I have 14 to cook for.

Marblerun. I think Downtoearth's is a good idea if there is anything like that in your area. I have a friend who does just that in her village on Christmas Day. There are some couples but mostly they are single people and they all seem to thoroughly enjoy it.

Or have you ever thought of going on a four or five day Christmas break on the years when you don't see your daughter? I always go on a Christmas break and about half of people there are on their own. I usually "pal up" with the people on my table and we become a group of friends and we do all have a good time not feeling lonely.

I am sure its the fact that you were looking forward to it, marblerun that has made it more disappointing. You had pictured your family there with you opening presents and its hard getting your head around a different scenario.
I do agree that it would be a good idea to try to keep some presents back and have a 2nd Christmas some time, it would be such fun. Christmas is becoming much more of a "movable feast" these days with so many more people doing this!

I have always made a "little christmas" at mine and the children open their presents here after staying the night. I buy usually one big present and lots of little ones and Santa knows to drop them here. It is never actually Christmas Day but that then leaves parents free to spend it where they please and I still get my special time with the children. Who says Christmas Day and all that goes with it MUST be celebrated on the 25th,? I like to make my own choices in life and having my christmas "day" complete with presents and lunch on anyday I please suits me fine. The Queen has two birthdays well this Nan has two christmas's.

DH & I have only known each other 9 years and in that time 4 grandchildren have arrived. DH's children (I have none of my own) have in-laws who believe they have more call on the grandchildren than we do, so we have Christmas Day by ourselves (still in somewhat of a romantic fog!) and then we host Boxing Day for everyone - it's a win-win situation.

I do feel for Marblerun, especially as it's her turn and she was so looking forward to it. There has been some very sage advice on here but as always it's so much harder to put things into practice; that sweet smile of understanding that hides an inner voice railing at the disappointment! Trying to think what I'd do in the circumstances and I certainly agree with those posters who've suggested a nearby hotel or B&B for a couple of nights, presuming that Marblerun enjoys the company of the other family?

Really feel for you, both my children are married to partners who have family abroad, so I do not get to see GC at Christmas, when they were closer in Europe we sometimes booked into a nearby hotel for Christmas or New Year so we could see them. Is it possible for you to arrange a couple of nights in a nearby hotel so you get to spend sometime with them?

I always feel Christmas is not the same without the children, so it is hard to be a grandparent and be generous in your response when you will miss out. I do hope they arrange to have a special weekend with you either before or after Xmas. My son and DIL are coming to exchange and open presents at the beginning of December as they can not take extra luggage on their flight superfamily for Xmas.

Is it only me who wouldn't think it's the end of the world if my children had their own Christmas plans?
We always stayed at home with our young children, and my parents ( who lived quite near) would pop in at some time during the day. Then, Himself's stepfather died, and his mother spits started doing the poor soul act. I was the one who felt we had to invite her and the auntie, so we were tied for many years. Thankfully, they have now gone to their " eternal reward", so Himself and I will be sunning ourselves in Gran Canaria.

Just before my father died he had intended to come to me for Christmas. He was not well enough, so Himself's mother spits again offered to have Himself and our sons for the Chrstmas dinner. While they were suffering her disgusting cooking, my father and I enjoyed M & S scoff from a tray on our knees, trashy telly, and a bottle of Southern Comfort.

Don't buy into the adverts. Very few people are having the kind of Christmas portrayed in the media.

for several years after my daughter got married and had children we'd alternate christmasses at mine, at theirs or [on the third christmas] they went to the mother in law's and i spent christmas on my own.
however things started to go wrong in the marriage and my daughter decided that christmas day would be spent on her own with the grandaughters and so i spent christmas day on my own for about seven years. i got to see them on boxing day and we all went down to devon to see my son and his wife to i got to have three christmas days over the holiday period.
how my daughter and grandaughters have moved in to live with me so i won't be on my own for christmas day - she and i will be on our own on boxing day as grandaughters will be spending that day with their daddy and his family. it'll be a chance to recover from the exertions of the previous day and we can do whatever we like.
but although i would have liked to spend time with them at christmas it wasn't possible so i'd spend christmas day doing the things i'd normally do if there were people around.
although one year two friends and i got together and decided rather than spend the day on our own in our respective houses we'd all contribute one course of the christmas dinner and meet up in one house and so we all had a really lovely day. i can't remember which house we met up in [it wasn't mine] but i do remember that, as we all lived on the same road, we were able to walk home after our celebrations - and, no, we weren't entirely sober at the end of the day!!
i hope you have a good christmas marblerun whatever you decide to do but i'm sure you'll be able to have a restful day and do what YOU want to do when YOU want to do it!!
best wishes to everyone for christmas [just realised though that in one month and two days it'll all be over!!]

My children's partners all have families who are very into Christmas, so I'm more than happy to avoid conflict by having a second Christmas for us all on Boxing Day, or at New Year. Christmas is just another day, and what matters is that we can all spend some time with our loved ones - it doesn't have to be the 25th. I have occasionally invited SiL and DiLs to bring their parents, and we have had a high old time at our 'second Christmas'.
I have spent quite a few alone Christmases, but have never felt lonely. It's always been a comfortable, self-indulgent day, with no work for me other than preparing a few nice nibbles for myself. I relax and enjoy it, because I know that in a few days, the hordes will descend and I shall be in full turkey-basting, spud-roasting and pudding-steaming mode.
I hope that like me you will all have a happy and peaceful Christmas - with or without the family!

Cher53 I can relate to what you're saying. For years we went to my Dad's in the morning (exchange presents), my Mum's in the afternoon (for Christmas dinner) and my FiL's in the evening (exchange presents). It was very hard. Then my Mum moved back to Scotland, my Dad died and we became estranged from my FiL.

Apart from one year when I was a teenage, I have always spent Christmas with my Mum and I can't see that changing now. We're very close, but I will always remember one year when we were doing the 3 visits on the day thing, I hinted that we might go away for Christmas. She told me if we did that she would never 'do' Christmas again and that was that.

Christmas dinner was always a nightmare because of how stressed my Mum would get cooking it. Then about 15 years ago she had her hip replaced a few weeks before Christmas and I suggested we go out for Christmas dinner. After saying no at first, she had a rethink and we had a lovely time at a local hotel. We enjoyed it so much and my Mum realised the day had been far less stressful, so we've done it ever since. It's not a cheap option, but there's only the four of us and Christmas Day is a delight now. When we go to church in the morning, I thank God for giving us another year together and pray the next one will be the same.

I understand your disappointment completely marblerun. No matter how much we tell ourselves we are doing the right thing by being understanding, there is a small light that goes out . This year, I am the one who is doing something different and breaking with tradition. Normally I cook the dinner but this year, my husband's stepdad (92) will be on his own. Hubbie's sister usually has him because she lives locally to him, but she is going to Aus for a wedding. He won't come to us, so we are going to have to stay at hers so we can look after him. I know i'm doing the right thing, but will miss my own family like mad. Added to this, one of my sons is going through a relationship problem, and i do slightly feel I'm running out on him at a time when he will feel low. So i feel low myself about all this,Let's try to think of ways we can get through this together. As has already been said, it's not top of the list of things that go wrong in life, let's be grateful we have family to care about. Keep smiling!,