How long after bereavement before it stops hurting?

retro as many here know my youngest son, aged 19 died (as they say) "by his own hand" on 12th December 2008, & I still think of what I should have/might have done etc, but sadly the bottom line is that you cannot turn back time or change the past.

With time, it does get easier, but the key word is "time", please give yourself that time, 2 years is almost only the blink of an eye where bereavement is concerned.

Sending you my thoughts.

I am so sorry that you're having such a hard time. Believe me, you clearly did all you could for her - we all have to just cope with this ghastly condition and accept that, even if we want to care for the loved one ourselves, it will almost invariably become an intolerable struggle in the end. Even so, when (s)he passes, it's inevitable that the self-recriminations start. Don't let others tell you that you should be getting over it by now, or whatever "pick yourself up" message you're hearing. Grief affects different people in different ways and can last for differing periods, although it definitely does get easier, generally within 2-3 years. My son's best friend, aged just 21, passed some years ago now with a brain tumour and there isn't a day when we won't love him and miss him, but we still happily imagine his laughter at a joke which would have tickled him, or include him in our hearts in family festivities. Chin up - it will get better! Blessed be! Love, hugs and peace xxx

When you lose the one you love, you will never get over it. But in time, you will learn to cope. Try to fill the massive void with memories of happier times shared.

and hugs to all who mourn

That should, of course, have read 'posts' not threads.

I have been so moved reading all of these threads. So many people mourning lost loved ones, and it always seems to be so much worse at this time of year.
and hugs for all Gransnetters out there who are grieving and feeling lost.

for you all. So many heartbreaking stories, so much sadness.

Both my parents died in the sixties and I still mourn them. I had a very dear, close friend who I met when I returned to the U.K. with two small children following my divorce in 1984. She was on her own with her son. So we spent a great deal of time together. Our kids grew up, we saw each other through weddings, my two grandchildren, illness, holidays and life in general. She lived a five minute walk away so we spent a lot of time together. At the end of September 2014 for the first time since we met, she was hospitalized with a previously unknown heart disease . By October 20th she died. The shock for all of us was tremendous , it was a devastating time. I spent months in tears, months talking about her, months thinking she was still alive. I'm now pulling myself together and trying to fill the void by volunteering at our local hospital. I will mourn her forever.

What wonderful replies there are on this thread! I completely agree with the advice given in them. I have just sent a message to my best friend, encouraging her to join the forum and read this thread. Her husband of 34 years (and a good friend to me also) died in March of a heart attack. He had recovered quite well from a massive stroke in 2008 and no-one knew he had a problem with his heart. His passing was sudden and totally unexpected. Bless her, she is really struggling and Christmas is going to be particularly hard.

My own father suffered a massive stroke also. This occurred just two weeks after my friend's husband was hospitalized so they were eventually in the stroke unit together. My father never did recover and passed away in hospital in June 2008. My mother, whose own health wasn't great, was under a lot of strain with the worry and the hospital visiting, not to mention living alone after 53 years together. She caught a bad cold and when she didn't answer my phone call, one evening, I went round and found she had passed away that morning, at her kitchen table. This was just two months before I lost Dad. I often feel bad, thinking I was too hard on my Mum about visiting Dad and other things. I am haunted by the way my father was neglected (there's really no other word!) whilst in the two hospitals in which he was a patient. I had a breakdown on Christmas Day of that year, after having so much to deal with (Dad's failed recovery and their deaths being just part of that), and it took me quite a while before I felt like I could cope with everyday life again. It is true that grief comes in waves. Sometimes just seeing something on the tv or reading a passage in a book can bring on shuddering sobs. Sometimes I just cry on my pillow at night, simply because of the void they have left. Time though, as they say, is a healer. The scars never go away but time is like an ointment: it soothes the sorrow. Retrolady I am so sorry that you are so terribly sad. I cannot give you any advice that has not already been given, and what good advice it is! It sounds trite but life truly does go on and you will play a fuller and more enthusiastic part in it again. You have to heal though, as best as you can. You have to be kind to yourself. Big hugs from me. X

I don't think you ever stop missing your mum, things, events, will always remind you of her. Ten years or more after my mother died I could still get tearful. If there is life after death (which I strongly belive) she is probably laughing and crying herself when if she looks back at how she was towards the end. She probably wants to hug you and say don't grieve, we will see each other again one day, made whole in death without the weakness of the body. But even if you cannot believe this, at least you know there is no more pain or bewilderment for her. Helping others is a wonderful tribute to her, we are learning more about this devastating disease all the time, and spreading that knowledge helps others to cope and know how to get help.
But try to also be kind to yourself, cry and laugh, don't feel guilty or resentful, talk to others who will listen, get out, go for walks in a park or by the sea, if you can, treat yourself to a massage, change your hairstyle, or whatever makes you feel good, maybe take up a hobby, learn something creative, perhaps buy an adult colouring book ( I love the ones where you can colour in clothes, or buildings), take a coach trip or some other holiday if you haven't already done so - you are probably exhausted.
You will never forget you mum, but try to think of her as she was before the dementia, rather than dwelling on the end, which was just a small part of her life. In time, you will learn to get by and live with the pain, which will gradually diminish. Two years is not long.

I think bereavement is like the waves on a seashore. The shock, disbelief, pain, sorrow, numbness come and go and sometimes a really big wave comes at you and you are straight back to the beginning again.

Grief is a natural state that we go through. It's the price we pay for love. It does get easier though. Fewer of the really big waves knock you right down and gradually you get used to the idea that the loved one has gone. Then you begin to have happy memories of all the good times you shared with that person and you begin to celebrate their life rather than mourn their death.

Anyone who really feels they can't cope, or that the grief is never ending should see their GP or look for some bereavement counselling.

My hubby died very suddenly 4 years ago today, he hadn't been ill & was only 69. I miss him terribly, we did everything together, he was not a mixer (the way he had been brought up, keep yourself to yourself) so when he went I was alone no friends to call on, bit by bit I have built a social life, not easy because I live in a small village, where I live is about 300yards from the lane which only goes to a couple of farms, so no-one passes. It does get better really it does, but we each take different times for it to happen, I think joining in as many things as you can really does help stops your mind playing games with you, I have taken up some new hobbies as well, being partially disabled these are sedentary hobbies, but enjoyable, I knit & crochet, just learned abou 4 months ago, I have now been asked to go to a meeting to help others start crocheting, I can only do very simple things, I also found a group called knit & natter, we meet ever Thursday afternoon at the library about 7 miles away from me, I have made a few friends there, all these help with the healing process, it's not a thing we can rush.

Very sad, but such a lovely and moving post x

Leonora your post was very moving

Oh Leonora...

It is too soon for me to feel the full range of emotions that
we are told to expect to follow bereavement.
My dear man , who had Dementia
for nine years, died just three weeks ago. We had been together
for fifty two years.
My one aim was to be his carer, 24/7;
and to nurse him, at home, right to the end.
I take a great deal of
comfort from achieving that.
It wasn't always easy, but we managed.

He died, holding my hand. And I am so thankful for
that blessing.
At the moment, I am euphoric. that he is released
from the horrors of dementia.
I'm certain that all the normal reactions will soon
creep in. We humans are so very susceptible to self doubt.
All we can do is ride the emotional switch-back, and wait
for the ride to end.
Hugs to all Gransnetters grieving at Christmas.

dustyangel

Thank you Auntieflo, simple but beautiful. Misslayed I will save that too.

Indienana I followed your link and thank you for posting that. So true. Even when reading these bring tears it helps.

My Mum died with Dementia 7 years ago, and I miss her more now than when she first died. She was so lost to us before her death - didn't know us, didn't know herself, she was angry and frightened all the time, that I think we did most of our grieving for losing her before she actually died. The funny thing is that as the years have passed, my memories of her have changed. Instead of remembering her as she was When she was ill, memories of a younger Mum have started to return and replace the sad memories of the stranger she had become whom we loved and cared for but didn't really know. I have found it very comforting to remember times from her heyday, times when we were children, family events where she was always at the centre of things. Happier memories that have helped to temper the grief. I find myself talking to her more in my head than I had done before and she talks back as the capable strong woman I knew, it is very comforting.

Retro lady, I hope with the passage of time, something like this happens for you and that it gives you ease.

I found this little poem some time ago and it helped me, also it can be nice written in a card, when you don't really know what else to put.

Remember This
What you were, you are
What you had, you have
Be still
Close your eyes
Breathe
Listen for His footfall in your heart
He walks within you

I've saved it too, thank you (Misslayed)
Grief it comes over you in waves doesn't it, sometimes little ones sometimes huge.

Misslayed that is so good, so true. I too have saved this. Thank you.

I just posted a reply but lost it it ended don't beat yourself up you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time take care lovely verse misslayed ?

Misslayed that is lovely. I've saved that and when we move back into our house I'll print that out and frame it to remind myself and my family it is indeed OK'to feel and do all those things

Thank you, Misslayed