Devestated Both Adult Children + only grandchild Going to Live Abroad

That's very insensitive tidyskatemum.

Get a grip? I failed miserably to get a grip when my younger daughter moved to another country , she left Wales to live in England, , a five hour car drive away and I miss her .

Telling mothers to get a grip because they will miss contact with their child/children is so harsh , you cannot hug on .skype, and fantastic holidays may make it a happy life for you but do not mean all mothers prize fantastic holidays above physical contact with their child/children /grandchildren

In the early days of our marriage when we had our ist DS my DH was offered a promotion which meant we moved 2 hours away from my parents.
Instead of bring happy for us my mother never stopped crying about how much she was going to miss her grandson (not us) until I was so riddled with guilt I wanted DH to turn the job down. Wrong wrong wrong, it would have been a disaster if we had. DH would have been very resentful, such an opportunity might never have arisen again.
Don't make your family feel guilty about leaving you, let them go with your blessing and look forward to visiting them and keeping in touch with skype.
Yes you will miss them and I am not belittling the way you feel but they have their lives in front of them and are entitled to seek a better future.
Get involved with activities in your area to fill your time and make new friends. I wish you well and I know parting is hell, but you will be able to see them again. What's the old saying about giving your children roots to grow and wings to fly. Not sure if that's right but you get the drift.
I wish you well, I really do.

trueblue2 I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I think it is quite natural to feel that way but I hope the comments from people on here who are in a similar situation can be of some comfort to you.

Get a grip

If I was sharing my feelings like the OP and someone told me to get a grip, I would be cut to the quick. Some posters either don't think or care about how their words could be perceived or lack the empathy gene.

In answer to your question trueblue, yes my DD lives abroad and my son lives within travelling distance but in another county.
I brought my children up to be independent and clearly you did the same.
I sent my children off to school in another city when they were eleven and they travelled on their own, a bus, a train and an underground to reach school. DD travels the world for her job and I would not follow her abroad because in a year or two she may move to another country and I am getting too old to keep moving.
I am not unsympathetic.

Absentdaughter flew to New Zealand – about as far from the UK as you can go without starting to come back – when she was 17. I was pretty sure that she would never come "home" again and it was very hard to say goodbye, especially as she was so young and about to make a marriage that I (rightly) believed was not going to work. But I reckon that I had spent her childhood teaching her to fly and I was damn sure that I was never going to clip her wings. I spent lots of years living thousands of miles apart with intermittent visits – me to her, her to me. I have chosen to emigrate and love living in NZ and being part of my daughter's, son-in-law's and grandchildrens' lives, but was fortunate that I could do so.

loopylou I know just what you mean. While I was still living in England, my daughter rang me on my birthday and all the children chatted. Then one of them came back on the phone and sang "Happy birthday to you", followed by "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"…in Maori. Tears in the eyes and choked throat!

When the time comes, absentdaughter will have to let them fly too – all six. It will be hard, but she has learned that if you let them go, they will always come back…one way or another.

All trueblue has done is share her feelings, she hasn't said she is going to lock her children in the attic to prevent them leaving , she hasn't said she didn't bring them up to be inpendent , all she has said is talk of her feelings, quite natural for the majority of mothers to feel as she does

A courageous decision on your part Absent and one which has brought you a new life. I agree it's not for everyone to 'up sticks' but for those with the will, the means and the 'can do' gene, it can mean a whole new beginning.

The op and all us mothers here are not trying to clip our children's wings. Simply voicing our feelings.
DD left home at 18 to go and live in Germany with her new husband who was in the army, our 1st grandson was born there. They had no choice in this but if they had I would never have given my opinion. It didn't stop me missing her like hell though.
They were posted back to Surrey after 3 yrs in Germany and he was then made redundant and to our delight they moved back to her home town, again I did not try to influence them in any way with that decision.
Move on and DD is 500miles away with a new partner so again I'm missing her.

Just so ninathena , we know we have to let them go but this doesn't mean it doesn't cause unhappiness , we wish them well but weep into our pillow when they leave

Exactly Anniebach. I am so lucky that I have all my close family within 1/2 hour of us. We all see a lot of each other although we all live our own lives too. Of course if any of them decided to move to another country I would wish them well but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to tell them how devastated I was (neither would I ). They know me well enough !

I have several friends who have children and DGC in Australia, New Zealand and Sri Lanka and they all put on a good show in front of their children. yes, they all 'skype' , e-mail, text but of course it is not the same as giving them a hug.

As they say yes. it is only 24 hours to Australia but it is 24 hours only when they can afford it. On another practical note , 2 of the couples are now unable to afford any other holidays or to see other parts of the world because of course seeing family comes first.

My heart goes out to any one who has to deal with this.

I was an orphan at the age of 26 so when I went to Germany with my German husband I had no parent to leave behind! I have often thought I would have behaved differently if my mother had lived. I would have had such a bad conscience about leaving her. Mostly because that is how we were brought up in Yorkshire.
Now with 2 daughters and three GCs I have one living fairly near and the other a 2 hour autobahn drive away - not an easy option at our age.
We don't talk as often as some on GN with their weekly Skyping. I get ocacsional e.mails.
I don't live my life through my children but if they were in NZ I would miss them but as I myself went abroad I can understand wanting a better life for yourself and your children.

I'm so glad to hear your DD is coming back and feel so sad to hear so many say how the UK is not a good place, it depends on where you live, like anywhere. I have lived in a few different countries and still have friends in various places who say to me that they would love to live over here in the UK, if they could afford it! My DS so far, has travelled but always glad to come back home so I hope he always feels that way as I would be very sad to see him go, although wouldnt let him know that, but I do sympathise with all of you who feel sad, I would feel the same.

My heart goes out to you,my son has lived in Canada for nearly 5 years,he has got married,had my grandson,now his marriage has broken up. I have seen my grandson and son for 11 hours when they came to visit. Xmas is so hard without them,Skype makes me an emotional wreck,I can't fly,so I just wait for the day they visit again. Sending hugs.x

My son and family (I have 2 grandchildren aged 7&11), are moving to Australia in 3 weeks time. They went to live there for 12 months to test the water as it were, but came back here last Jan. They have now made the massive decision to return indefinitely. I flew out to visit while they were there but the journey for me on my own was pretty tough. Looks like I'll have to get used to it though. I'm happy for them, we only want our children to do what they find the best but it is hard, I'll miss them so much. Skype is great but as others have said, we want the hugs and kisses. ?

My sympathy to anyone who has to deal with this situation, and I agree that harsh comments are not called for. I would be distraught if any of my DC and DGC moved so far away permanently - it's surely just human nature to want to keep those we love close. Obviously we have to put a brave face on and hope that they find the better life they think they'll have, but it is still difficult.

I speak as one who went to live abroad for two years without giving my parents a second thought. I find that hard to imagine now, from the other side!

Thanks for highlighting my points Anniebach. I have no intention of stopping my adult children doing whatever they feel they have to do.

My life is very full and I don't reply on them- or my grandchild- to fill that life. I'm just making the point that it's very sad when those adult children move away from their famlies. We no longer have the nuclear family model and that's why there are so many lonely, vulnerable people who rely on the State to help look after them.

We may have many material things now, but the communities that live on the nuclear model are much richer, imo

JessM Tue 22-Dec-15 10:56:13

Your post is so true; if you already have a medical condition some countries will not accept you or the cost of medication/treatment would be absolutely prohibitive if they did.
And if you have more than one child and they don't all emigrate, there will be child/ren left behind.

get a grip is fine when everything is going swimmingly. But if you are ill or they are not well or having a bad time you want to be there for them, not just on the end of a telephone.

However, it is a lot better nowadays than when people emigrated many years ago and never saw their families again; even in the 1960s the '£10 Poms' probably knew they could probably never afford to return home for a visit and their family left behind in the UK couldn't afford to visit them. We had an aunt who emigrated in the 1930s and didn't return to the UK for a visit until the 1970s. Letters and parcels took weeks to arrive. Phone calls (particularly at Christmas) had to be booked in advance - if you had a phone!

trueblue22 your DD and SIL may stay in Canada, but I wonder if your son will be back from South America after a while?

it is only 24 hours to Australia but it is 24 hours only when they can afford it
And also, door to door can be nearly 50 hours! Exhausting when you are getting on a bit, and sitting in one position for hours is not great. Wonderful if you could afford business or first of course!

To be honest I agree with them and if younger would consider leaving the UK too. I would be very happy for them if my children moved to Canada, although I would miss them a lot. I hope you can afford to visit for a long holiday once a year. It is very sad for you, but they will probably have a better life.

Just to give a different view: my parents emigrated to Australia when they retired, joining my sister and her family there and leaving me pregnant with my first son. I think it was the best thing they did - the climate really suited them. However, it's interesting that my elder son is determined that his children should have as much contact as possible with their grandparents as he feels he and his brother really missed out on this when they were young (both DH's parents died relatively young)

Hi, my only daughter and grandson aged 3 1/2 are moving with SIL an hours flight from me.
I know it’s not far and I plan on visiting them every month but currently I see them every day and I’ve been so heavily involved in my grandson’s life since he was born. They only live 1/4 mile away.
We are such a very small, close knit family and when they move they won’t know anyone. My grandson is very close to me and I absolutely adore him, he is my whole life.
I have a husband (not my daughter’s father) so I’m not alone but my daughter and grandson are my world.
It feels as though my heart has been ripped out and that I’ll never be happy again.

I did start a topic about having a family in New Zealand when I received a mass of replies so you are definitely not alone.
I know how you must feel when my son mentioned he wanted to live in New Zealand. at first it came as a shock. However. no matter how we feel one must remember that we bring them up until they must fly the nest and sort their own lives out no matter how we feel.
What helps me now so much is knowing how happy he is in New Zealand with his dear daughter and wife who has a large family out there which he would not get if living near me as his brother also works abroad.
Get yourself out with friends or taking a class that you like to help you feel positive about the move.

It’s hard at first but our children are not here to do what we want but to do what’s best for them they have to move where they want and where they feel is the best for the next generation
Wish them well, cry when they ve gone, and realise there is a lot to life to be happy with and step up on all the things you want to do
My son went to NZ 27 years ago, two daughters in different parts of Europe I was alone, divorced and an only child
Sounds harsh but you sink or swim I chose to swim
It s so easy to keep in touch nowadays you still love them the same
One grandaughter has now zipped off to Australia and although she says she ll be back to Europe who knows? So now the next generation has started

You cannot make someone your world it puts far too much responsibility on their shoulders they are not born to be your support