thank you letters

One set of children in the family never ever wrote - the cheques simply got cashed. I waited until they were old enough to write a thank you note then stopped.

My parents were as working class as you can get, but good manners were drummed into me and I don't remember ever feeling resentful about saying or writing thank you.

Hear, Hear, Elegran!
Not a class thing at all. Basic good manners.

I was also tought to write thank you letters as all my late relatives lived away from us and it was in the days when children could be seen but not heard, so no talk about saying thank you over the phone.
However my late husband had trouble with his writing so never wrote letters and our sons were not keen to write either. I will admit it was a bit difficult when one is tought that it is good manners to write and getting the blame all the time that they hadn't written. However now emails have taken over.

We have two children, and by my first marriage a son who was very young when we married and was therefore brought up solely by us. His father did his once a year holiday, but there was no routine or regular contact. He is now deceased. My husbands two were much older and emigrated with their mother n step father just after we were married. We get on well and visit regularly.

The background is important to this issue!!

We now have 5 grandchildren with a sixth due next April, so the three UK siblings will have two each. The two children in America are married to English spouses (which in no doubt helps the contact across the pond), however they elected not to have any children.

Presents were sent the first year of the grandchildrens arrival, but as my son did not e mail to say thank you, they are not sent to their children anymore. Which he has not commented on, he may not even be aware of but it makes it awkward for us, as the Amerucan presents are often very cherished gifts, as they are different and reflect the culture, which if it isn't here already soon will be! The eldest GC is 4, but as they grow I wonder what my sons two will think. For balance their mum is Canadian, so they get presents from her sister n parents. BUT not at Christmas, they are brought over on their annual visit. My son, would give up giving n receiving Christmas presents like a shot, they are comfortably off and see it as a marketing ploy whilst his wife's family are token present givers.

Personally I love cards from my nephews children via their mum, my older nephew sent e mail thank you, which was just that- thank you, not news of school, activities etc.

But I think a thank you is required, no matter what the method. Our three always make a card (with parents help) to say thank you even though normally we are together for Christmas and birthdays.

So I would presume like my stepdaughter no acknowledgement means, thank you ---but don't!

Families eh- how do we survive the minefield!?

One of my grandmothers was most definitely not middle class, her childhood was barely even working class, it was grinding poverty followed by orphanage, and then scrubbing floors at 14, but heaven help you if you failed to acknowledge a gift, either in person or in a letter.

There is an atmosphere these days which regards doing anything polite or thoughtful or showing any gratitude as being middle class and therefore somehow snobbish and posh. Rubbish! There is nothing at all that restricts good manners to any one class - I mean manners in the sense of consideration for others, not in the sense of knowing when to use which bit of cutlery.

I always had to write thank you notes and so did my dc. If you can say thank you in person that's lovely, but not to acknowledge a gift is rude and thoughtless. It makes me very cross.

Teacher your very last sentence, relating to your working-class mother, rather negates your very long reasoning!

I had to write thank you letters as a child. I didn't enjoy it particularly but accepted it was a good thing to do. I made our children write them when they were young. As we have five children it was often hard to keep an accurate list at Christmas so I would peep inside each parcel and make my list before Christmas day and then relax as the scrum of present opening happened! Nowadays the boys either phone or E mail to say thanks. My Mum was a stickler for expecting thank you letters. When one son got to 15 he refused to write to her. I'm a bit ashamed to say I wrote one for him on the computer and sent it to my Mum to keep the peace! How mad is that! She has now died but would even say on the phone to thank my son for his letter!! My son didn't know I did it!.I agree Ethelbags if that is the main complaint your daughter has you must have been a great Mum!

I haven't read through the post because my dander is up.
Middle class?? Huh!
A thank you, whether a letter, email or phone call is the very least a person should get! On balance a phone call so that you can have a chat as well is probably the nicest option, but TBH even a text is the least you can do.

Good manners are not the preserve of some "middle class"!!

I was "made" to write thank- you letters. I passed this practice on to my children. Their own children are very young but they write on their child's behalf with a scribbled signature from the small recipient of the gift. One DD also writes on her own behalf, while the other one will email or just say a verbal thank-you, which is fine. That is just to us, but I know she sends cards to everyone else. I have a friend whose grandchildren never acknowledge gifts. I suggested she stop sending them, but she feels she cannot. I would definitely stop. I'm sure that would provoke a reaction of some kind.

Speaking as an aspirational working class 'girl' who made it into the middle class and was very grateful to reach a world of education, culture, manners, standards and privilege I would say that writing thank you notes is middle class 'law'. Manners are about forgetting selfishness and a 'me first' culture and about making others feel at ease and worthwhile. Making children write thank you notes is to remind them to be grateful to others and that nice things are not a right but a blessing. Middle class mores are also an adult conspiracy to raise a polite and appreciative generation. Many youngsters are narcissistic, 'entitled', rude and thankless because their parents do not instill a sense of the rights of others.

If a child grows up resenting the fact that they were asked to write to say thank you for what they were given it rather suggests that the deed (of writing) was enforced without the purpose being likewise imparted. Children should know that they are not owed anything by anyone other than their parents, that they are immensely fortunate to live in a free and prosperous country and that others elsewhere in the world, and the country for that matter, are not so lucky.

It is also good for children to have to do things they might not like. It is a good preparation for later life where reality sinks in that they are not the centre of the universe.

If a child does not write a thank you note and then fails to receive another gift from that donor it is a good lesson. It will be harsh for the same child when an adult to learn they cannot have a job or something equally essential because they are rude and unemployable. Better the smaller disappointment when they are young than a catastrophe when older.

I realise that this is a bit harsh and also that it paints my working class upbringing as of a poor standard which simply isn't true. My mother always made me say thank you.

Grandchildren didn't thank for birthday, Christmas? If no thanks, no more

If you send a present to a relative or friend, that you have taken time and effort to choose for them, it is not too much to expect a thank you, either written or telephoned. (An email is a bit lazy.) I wrote thank you letters, my DD wrote them and now my DG writes them. It teaches children good manners and consideration. Evertheoptimist, I would telephone and ask meaningfully, whether the son had written to you, as you are afraid the letter may have gone astray!

winifred01 -

I once read somewhere that the next time you send a cheque after one has not been acknowledged you do not sign it! Soon get a reply!

I always expect a thank you card or letter for wedding presents and new baby gifts. Christmas and birthday presents don't bother me, for some reason!
Last year we gave a substantial cheque to a friend, to give to her son for his wedding present.
Still waiting on an acknowledgment from him. Grrrr.

Personally I always write, my DC have always done so and my DGC are being taught by super DDIL that it is appropriate and how to do it.
I have a whole collection of really sweet letters I have received over the years and still enjoy looking at them.
When my nieces and nephews stopped writing I took it as a signal to stop sending. If one takes the time and effort to do something special one should be able to expect at least an acknowledgement since often the time and effort and thoughts behind the gift or action are more than the monetary value. It is all part of the 'glue' which holds families and society together.
(DH says that not writing thank you letters is downright rude!)

You make it sound as if you were doing something dreadful to her! I would just give her a bright and breezy 'it can't have been as bad as the sweat and tears it caused me to get you to write them!'
It is worth it. My son hand wrote some thank you letters for his wedding and I think he was very surprised at the pleasure it gave and the amount of comments - a phone call or email wouldn't have got a comment, it is not the same as a nice,newsy letter. I put it down to his letter writing training as a child! There were times when I thought perhaps it wasn't worth the effort it took me to get them to produce them but I am glad that I persisted.

Ethelbags - for goodness sake, don't feel bad about making your daughter write the letters - you were teaching her what was regarded as fairly normal at that time. And showing gratitude is so important.
I did the same with ours and it disappoints me if , for example, I send a cheque for a grandchild, and they never even acknowledge it, though I can see it has been cashed. I fact I've stopped sending to one of them for that reason (though there's more to that story.)

Writing thank you letters can have spin-offs. DGD has started writing letters to DH and I, just because she wants to. We live 200 miles away so only see them every few months. At the beginning of December we received a lovely letter saying how excited she was about Christmas and spending it with us. We email and speak on the phone, but there is something special about a letter. We also regularly send both DGC postcards whenever we go away. Children love receiving a letter or package on the post.

Just good manners to say thank you. Hard cheese if they don't want to do it.

If writing thank you letters was the only thing that spoiled a lovely childhood then you did a good job and have nothing to worry about!
It is one of those debates that crop up regularly on MN, I could bet there will be one after Christmas, and it is a fairly even divide between those who think it important and make their children write them and those who never make them write them.
I think that email and phones will probably kill it, which is a shame.
If someone bothers to send a present I don't think it is too much to expect a letter in return.

If the giver is present when the gift is opened and can be thanked orally then I do not think a thank you letter is needed, but if the giver isn't there then some kind of acknowledgment or thanks is essential. It doesn't have to be a letter these days, an email or phone call should be equally acceptable. Personally I still write thaank you letters when required whether for a present or after a visit to a friend.

If I gave presents to anybody and never got an acknowledgement and thanks I would stop giving. I currently give presents to the children of my two god children and always get a brief letter of thanks. DGC are being brought up to write thank you letters, DDiL is usually quite discrete about noting who gave what.

I think every child can think of something one of their parents did that was a constant cause of mortification when a child. For DS it was the very nice violet Jaeger suit I wore at Prize Day the year I was on the stage in a prominent position because I was chairman of the PTA. He still remembers with shuddering loathing his embarrassment at the time. As a child I always found the way my mother dressed a mortification because she dressed so well and was so stylish people were always remarking to me on it. As I was the antithesis of my mother it always seemed an implied criticism of me. It probably wasn't.

as I said above I think its older people who like thank you cards, my mother keeps all her cards for ages on the mantelpiece and shows them to everyone who calls, the same for birthday and xmas cards.