Is it only a mum/gran who would feel like this ?

Yes Coolgran I think our children mean more to us than we do to them. My son finds it hard to have a conversation with me but he says that's just the way he is. Him and his partner never ask me any questions about my life and show no interest in hubby and me at all. They have my two granddaughters but every communication comes from me,if I left it to them they would never get in touch. His partner is just the same as him they're like twins speared at birth. I find it so hurtful that he can hardly speak to me as he is my firstborn and I miss the little boy he used to be. My daughter is completely different and a real friend to me. I once read if there is something you can do nothing about you have to learn to live with it and let it go. That's how I feel now but there's so much I'd love to share with both of them but feel I just can't be the only one speaking anymore. DGD who's four was in a nativity play at nursery and her mum still hasn't even spoke about it but DGD asked me why I wasn't there to see her when her nana and her Nana's sister were. Ah well these things are set to try us.

FaceTime is Skype for iPhones. Brilliant if both parties have a good wifi signal. Unfortunately, that is very rarely the case.

I've never heard of FaceTime either .

It can be difficult to match expectations and hopes within families. And the task of standing back and developing a new life for ourselves when the children are grown is a challenge for many. Those children have been so central not only to how our time is spent, but also to our sense of self.

I think it is important to develop our own social life and interests, and that it is good that when the children want something from us, we sometimes say "Sorry I'm going to xyz that day and cannot oblige." Not only does that send out a message that we are sometimes busy with our own stuff; but it also helps to free them from the responsibility for our happiness, whilst they are also working and bringing up a family.

This does not mean that love is not there; but it brings in a sense of respect for the other party - for their right to a life of their own.

I am not immune from the occasional twinge that says I wish they had included me in something, or that they had remembered an important date, but the overall picture of how we relate is good. When I have these feelings I try to take the opportunity to make sure that I take an interest in what was done and hope to send a message that it makes me hapoy to know that they are doing things that they enjoy.

It is a strange role and one that we probably never thought about beforehand or planned for - so we are all busking it a bit!

Wellat least you got to facetime with your family. I know I live abroad by choice but i got a message on FB messenger from 1ds in the morning (who lives an hours drive away) and later on the day from 1 dd. Another dd just sent a text. Two ds's did actually ring me and have a chat. Then another dd messaged me when there were problems with a drunken partner. So I did feel hurt but I have decided that obviously the dont care for me as much as I care for them so it's time to live my life for myself and care a little less

regardless of the poor facetime call Coolgran at least you got to see your family...some grandparents didnt even get that!

absolutely right, your kids will never love you as much as you love them

absolutely right, your kids will never love you as much as you love them

We find Skype hopeless and don't even know what Facetime is.
coolgran if it's any consolation we didn't get to speak to one DD at all over Christmas (no signal on mobile, main line off, thanks BT!, time difference etc).

Gosh! Can't one even babysit in peace now? All this intrusiveness would do my head in. I like the idea of skyping when necessary but so far have only used it once, and that wasn't with family. It was a useful call on that occasion.

I use telephones and stuff like skype for "conversations of purpose", as an Amish woman put it in something she wrote.

Having worked abroad for the last twenty years and been granny for ten I have concluded that Christmas is only one day, and if there wasn't sooooo verrrry much media hype about playing happy families on THE DAY we would all be a whole lot happier. I find Skype pretty good, but dodgy at times of high demand. Tend to do Christmas Eve Skype, Christmas Day short phone call and longer Skype on Boxing Day or after.

They'd all soon start to worry if we didn't dote on them, eat our hearts out, love 'em to bits and call regularly. I once had a call from DS slightly panicked because I hadn't called for nearly a week ?

We don't use FT but Skype and have often felt like that as they are both so busy with a baby and a 2 year old - sometimes it's only been my son as DIL rushes around in the background or on one occasion went out. I can imagine how frazzled your daughter will have been and there was possibly a mixture of wanting to talk but guilt about also wanting to get on with all she had to do. Hopefully you'll be able to catch up at a quieter time.

Thank you everyone.... perhaps we are actually quite normal....in as much as anyone is 'normal'

Yep, Face time can be a bit like 'hospital visiting' to an extent, so well put.

Well, when I was bsitting at Ds & Ddils, they tried to facetime us, and I didn't have a clue and couldent understand why they were helpless with laughter. It transpired that I hadn't pressed the thingy in the corner, I could see them but all they could see was my thighs

Inishowen I tend to agree with you, facetime is almost like hospital visiting, aka the conversation is, to me is a bit sort of forced.

And yes they definitely mean more to us than we do to them. I said to mine (3 girls) the other day, 'I never thought I would one day be the mother of three strong opinionated women! When did that happen?

And I often remind them when they try to tell me how to do something.... that 'I actually know that, as I was once the mother of three children and I am quite intelligent. They roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking!

But hey they will one day be mothers to adults...Karma!

Meanwhile embrace your friends and fill your life xxx

We have one son in this country, with whom we have spent Cmas, and a son abroad. We always try and Skype him and his wife and two children. Not always satisfactory but I feel more for him as we are usually with some other family members and so it is him that must feel he is missing out a bit. And as for children on Skype, some children are fine but others.... Well! I have great conversations with my grandson in England but trying to speak to him on Skype is just a waste of time - he just gets silly. Time differences don't help. When my son abroad wants to phone we are getting the dinner ready. All so tricky. I'm still trying to catch up with my son and Skype seems to have been more unreliable than usual!

I feel for you and your right I think they do mean more to us than we do to them their lives are always so busy in comparison to ours and what is to them a throwaway comment can be hurtful to us I certainly don't think they have a sense of duty to their parents like we had I'm not sure if this is right or wrong but it can certainly mean that occasionally we are made to feel low in their list of priorities.

Coolgran Enjoy your day.

I remember Christmas day as a young Mum , I was usually frazzled , up at the crack of dawn coping with overexcited kids . Not the best time to try to have a meaningful conversation with my Mum . Try not to overthink , she possibly has no idea you were angry at not getting her attention . Also the fact that there were other people around and a 3 year old doing what 3 year old do probably didn`t help .

I know and accept that I come low down on my kids list of priorities but I know they love me . They just have busy lives and pressures that we didn`t have .

KatyK that's a great turn of phrase.
Will tell my friend this.... She is not of the bite your tongue brigade...but needs to be.

Shall go now and put on my warpaint and loopy..... That should have been lippy.. but is perhaps appropriate

Past experience has taught me that it's best to bite tongues than to use them Coolgran

Not that I wish heartache on another dear gran/mum, but it does help to know that I'm not the only overthinking soft soul

Shaz thanks.. but I won't phone today. They are at in-laws with big open plan home , the time difference is 10 hours, and no way do I want to look needy .

My hosting of today started off at 8 guests, and since yesterday became 17+. Dh was able to get fresh crusty, scallions for home made potato salad and milk in Asda. All will be fine.

How can an invitation to a middle aged couple suddenly include their offspring and dgc who don't even live with them, they live five minutes away. Others have somehow been invited??

Aarrgh..... emotions are a b****r some times.

I'm ok.

nanaseasisde glad you found that phrase to help, and indeed can relate it to my own younger years.

Onwards and upwards.
Be careful of all those bitten tongues

I don't use Facetime and don't know how to use it. If I have understood this post correctly, I am sorry that you seemed to have difficulty talking to loved ones.

My son telephoned from London, and we did have a lovely conversation but it is still the same,as in there was a house full of people and the noise element gets in the way whether it be telephone call or something else.

I'm just grateful he phoned but maybe we are old-fashioned. I still use phone,text and email to communicate with him. I find it far easier. Mind you I have a laptop, not a smartphone or I-Pad or anything like that.

Coolgran I know how you feel. It is a sad fact, and very hard to accept, that they mean more to us than we do to them. I have been guilty of overthinking and getting upset over things that are probably not intentional. I have been trying to 'go with the flow' a bit more and accept what I can't change. Not easy, but I'm trying!

I've only done facetime once and hated it. My son wanted me to talk to his two year old but the little one had no interest and kept wandering off. I fully understood! I just find it an awkward and quite embarrassing way to communicate.