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Is it only a mum/gran who would feel like this ?

(70 Posts)
Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-15 21:36:43

I'm so disappointed and frustrated that a Christmas Day Facetime was really poor quality, we ended up talking over each other at times, it was stilted and I could feel my heart sinking because I could feel the impatience of dd at it all felt like it was like a duty call that meant more to me than to her.

I remember reading once that our children always mean more to us than we do to them because they are getting on with their lives.

I feel almost disloyal at actually writing this, do others ever feel like this?
Whether it is actually true or just that we miss them

Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-15 22:01:42

Sorry, I should also have said that midst it all the 3 year old dgd was messing with the laptop and I thought DD could have made a better effort to have dgd leave the equipment alone.
Oh dear, I do sound needy...

NotTooOld Fri 25-Dec-15 22:09:54

Cheer up, Coolgran, we all have these feelings about our DDs at times. She was probably just feeling hassled with lots of things to be done and young children to be looked after. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you, I'm sure.

NanSue Fri 25-Dec-15 22:18:25

Ooooh! Coolgran I do feel for you and no you don't sound needy. To be fair our FaceTime this morning wasn't too bad, although DGD didn't want to chat because she was too interested in her Christmas pressies, but I've been there many times with both DS (who lives abroad) and DD who dosen't! and that saying about our children meaning more to us etc., is so true and often springs to mind when I'm biting my tongue. We can only put up with so much and I have voiced my opinion on a couple of occasions, only to then feel guilty. Tomorrow is another day. You will feel better in the morning. flowers.

Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-15 22:33:29

Thank you, NotTooOld , I'm at the stage now of being a bit cross and feel that DD came across as disinterested, so even though the Face time was at her instigation it felt like it was a duty. She is with her in-laws for the holidays and her dear fil came and talked also.
The conversation with DD felt awkward......Oh, I don't know.
However, I will eventually cool down.
She can be stubborn so I don't want to say anything to cause a rift, especially a Christmas rift. And especially as she lives on another continent.

Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-15 22:38:46

NanSue yes, with a little time I will feel I just felt that I'd got fed up biting my tongue and it wasn't the right time to unbite it.

Anya Fri 25-Dec-15 23:22:44

And you were right not to 'unbite it' today of all days Coolgran - I know the FaceTime has left you feeing disatisfied, but better that than had to caused that rift.

Well done.

hildajenniJ Fri 25-Dec-15 23:27:54

You are not alone coolgran. My face time call was also unsatisfactory. So much so that I called DD and family on the phone. We had a short chat, but her time was being taken up with the DGC. So don't worry about it too much.

Coolgran65 Fri 25-Dec-15 23:49:17

We had a lovely day with family here, also with other offspring who are with us for Christmas, it was great and for that I am grateful. My upset at our unsatisfactory face time is possibly enhanced by the comparison to the pleasure of the rest of the day, and also maybe that I was looking forward to it so much.

Hilda I chose not to follow-up with a telephone call as they were going out, are staying with in-laws and also didn't want to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

I am very aware that many g/netters would wish to have those around them that I do have, and would be happy to have the contact that I have with the DD who lives afar.

So, to anyone who has been alone, I'm sorry if I appear ungrateful.

Wendysue Sat 26-Dec-15 00:50:14

Not to much to say here, except that I'm sorry this happened Coolgran. And same to you Hilda. I have a feeling a lot has to do w/ the distractions of the day - kids maybe not behaving entirely, other relatives or ILs wanting attention, and so forth.

Glad you didn't complain, though, Coolgran, especially not today of all days. As you say, it might have just caused a rift.

Maybe it would be a good idea to try calling back on another, calmer day? Perhaps your DDs could give more undivided attention to FT?

Coolgran65 Sat 26-Dec-15 06:32:44

I woke up this morning feeling flat and it was the first thing on my mind. Overthinking is a failing of mine.
I'll just let the matter sit in the meantime. No point in making comment to DD about it as the moment has passed but there is no doubt that I'm feeling a tad worthless and unimportant. The rest of the family here are 'steps' had made it a lovely day. I'm sad that it was my dd who I was so looking forward to seeing that managed to hurt me.

It will pass.

Today we are hosting what was going to be a casual buffet for about 8 and yesterday it developed into 17 adults plus 5, maybe 7 children. My heart isn't in it but with a painted on smile it will be catered for and no doubt will go well.

I'm my own worst enemy when it come to emotions and really need to develop a thicker skin.

Back to bed now and aim for some more sleep before preparing for our guests.

Have a good day everyone.

loopylou Sat 26-Dec-15 07:09:50

Oh dear Coolgran, I agree it's probably overthinking.
I didn't have any problems with FaceTime yesterday when chatting to DS, DDIL and DGS - maybe because it was later in the day.
I do consciously try not to get irritated if something should vex me, and I would hope that your dd wasn't setting out to upset you deliberately, especially on Christmas Day. Just as the other posters have said I suspect she was just trying to keep everyone happy, especially if she was with her in laws.

I hope you have a better day today, my DS, DDIL and DGS are arriving later - let the chaos begin!

MariClaire Sat 26-Dec-15 07:36:33

Coolgran (((hugs))) It's challenging to have a quality FT conversation even on easy days, more so with GC involved. Add in Christmas, your anticipation, and separation by a continent, it seems natural to feel so disappointed. I've felt the same way now and then. In my case and maybe yours, it is probably not about you at all. Maybe your DD was tired from all the Christmas buildup, distracted by what her family was doing at that moment, and what's on her mind to do next. As to your GC behavior, I know that today, at our home, we agreed to ignore minor behavioral issues. As a fellow over thinker, I know how it feels to want to address things or do something. As others noted, though, you are very wise to try and overlook this episode. I hope you feel better soon! flowers

MariClaire Sat 26-Dec-15 07:38:37

Christmas Day ends soon here so I'm off to bed.

Luckygirl Sat 26-Dec-15 09:05:53

Definitely overthinking - don't let this overshadow your day today.

Your DD was probably up to her eyes in dealing with children's excitement, annoying computer equipment, and staying in someone else's house with little ones (which can be a challenge). Sometimes we want to do something, but feel beset and it does not turn out as we want.

As you are so far away you could not see or know the context and must not assume that it relates to her indifference to speak to you.

Gird up your loins and rise above it - I am sure that your next contact with her under less stressful circumstances will be fine. Don't let it loom large and take up a disproportionate chunk of your brain. Let it go and send her a merry message at the first opportunity.

I do hope that you have a good time with all the friends and family today - hopefully with 17 to feed you will not have time to brood!

Coolgran65 Sat 26-Dec-15 10:32:36

Thank you all.

It's well agreed that I'm on a case of overthinking..... and I know you are all right. Distance and the occasion of a special day stopped me saying, in my frustration, what I wanted to say which was....."""Right lassie, if you don't have time or there's something up, or you don't take those controls off dgd, we'll have to go cos this isn't really working."""

Anyways, mouth shut, zipped well tight, She won't have a clue that I'm annoyed, I smiled all the,time....don't forget fil was present and no doubt mil was there also, just out of sight. It was all very false.

So I'm off, potato salad for 17 to make, Turkey and ham to cook.

Have a good day. x

nanaseaside Sat 26-Dec-15 10:47:15

Oh Coolgran I do feel for you. I am a very occasional GNer. I'm probably a sensitive soul (there are a lot of us about). Today I'm feeling very embarrassed blush at the long whiney post I've just put on yesterday's 'xmas day gone wrong' thread. I've been searching for a way to make sense of why my DC treat me like rubbish and what the heck to do with all my hurt feelings that at times (like festive season) overwhelm me. You gave me the answer. 'Our children mean more to us than we do to them'. Of course! That makes perfect sense in the grand scheme of things/circle of life etc. Thanks for showing me a way to get a grip on my emotions. Although I don't wish it upon them, I suppose my DC will one day experience the same situation with their DC. In the midst of it all I have one adorable DGD who makes all this family c**p worth enduring and a new grandchild due today! Much to be thankful for and feeling better already. Hope you feel better soon. flowers flowers

MadMaisie Sat 26-Dec-15 11:06:31

Coolgran I do sympathise with you. Families are lovely but can be very frustrating at times. This year has been quite a difficult one so I am trying to enjoy Christmas and not think too much about how things could have been. I do agree with everyone who advises biting one's tongue no matter how much you would like to scream! Hope you feel better soon.

Shazmo24 Sat 26-Dec-15 11:17:30

The only time I was really upsetwas when my son turned 21 & he was travelling in India...I was just so upset that the connection was so poor that I cried.
However, he called a few days later & it was fine so call them again today & have that proper catch up!!!..(when son was in Australa we spoke often & good!!!)

Stansgran Sat 26-Dec-15 11:40:51

As much as I want to talk forever with the DDs I make a point of closing the conversation as in" I must get on with....... Or you must have an awful lot to do. I must let you go....". As in time gone by I would always have something often very trivial, I wanted to say to keep them attached to me. I have to keep telling myself roots and wings, let them go.

inishowen Sat 26-Dec-15 12:18:28

I've only done facetime once and hated it. My son wanted me to talk to his two year old but the little one had no interest and kept wandering off. I fully understood! I just find it an awkward and quite embarrassing way to communicate.

KatyK Sat 26-Dec-15 12:18:58

Coolgran I know how you feel. It is a sad fact, and very hard to accept, that they mean more to us than we do to them. I have been guilty of overthinking and getting upset over things that are probably not intentional. I have been trying to 'go with the flow' a bit more and accept what I can't change. Not easy, but I'm trying! smile

Cher53 Sat 26-Dec-15 12:34:11

I don't use Facetime and don't know how to use it. If I have understood this post correctly, I am sorry that you seemed to have difficulty talking to loved ones.

My son telephoned from London, and we did have a lovely conversation but it is still the same,as in there was a house full of people and the noise element gets in the way whether it be telephone call or something else.

I'm just grateful he phoned but maybe we are old-fashioned. I still use phone,text and email to communicate with him. I find it far easier. Mind you I have a laptop, not a smartphone or I-Pad or anything like that.

Coolgran65 Sat 26-Dec-15 12:43:12

Not that I wish heartache on another dear gran/mum, but it does help to know that I'm not the only overthinking soft soul smile

Shaz thanks.. but I won't phone today. They are at in-laws with big open plan home , the time difference is 10 hours, and no way do I want to look needy .

My hosting of today started off at 8 guests, and since yesterday became 17+. Dh was able to get fresh crusty, scallions for home made potato salad and milk in Asda. All will be fine.

How can an invitation to a middle aged couple suddenly include their offspring and dgc who don't even live with them, they live five minutes away. Others have somehow been invited??

Aarrgh..... emotions are a b****r some times.

I'm ok.

nanaseasisde glad you found that phrase to help, and indeed can relate it to my own younger years.

Onwards and upwards.
Be careful of all those bitten tongues smile

KatyK Sat 26-Dec-15 13:25:01

Past experience has taught me that it's best to bite tongues than to use them Coolgran smile