Adoption

Agree I have always known I was adopted but have no memory of when I was told best way to go hope this helps.

I am 65 a and was adopted at a few weeks old I have always known from as long as I remember but I know I was very very young. I believe the younger the better. I have had and still have a very happy life. my Mum came from a family of 7 so as you can imagine I had lots of family around me. My husband and I have 3 grown up children who have always known about my adoption. I did find my birth mother in the eighties she had a good life but no children, I didn't really feel a bond sadly she died about a year later. Hope this helps a little.

I have 2 adopted children and we have grown up from a young age knowing. We have always told them they were special and we chose them andthey excepted it.
One of them birth mother did contact when they were older, but i will always be there mother to them

David I hope those of us who posted after you didn't seem to be dismissing your (and your son and his wife's) decision. As Wendysue rightly says, the decisions about bringing up children have to be left to parents. But if this thread has helped to open up a discussion that can only be a good thing.

Grannyqueenie, don't apologise for a perfectly nice post. Those little ones can be my four cherished treasures.

The posts following my earlier one have certainly opened my eyes to knowledge that I did not have. Very many thanks to those with professional experience who have shared their valued expertise and given me an insight into the reasoning to tell the adopted child as early as possible. Why my eldest son and his wife have not gone down this route I just don't know? Words may be spoken.
Special thanks to MCEM for that wonderful story. Hope you don't mind if I suggest it. This is what makes Gransnet so valuable. Thanks to all.

Making the fact of adoption an ongoing part of family life from day one is the way to go, as others have so eloquently described. The "right moment" is now, however young the child. Sitting the child down when a bit older for a great revelation is definitely not the way to go.

There ae some lovely books for little children about adoption - here is one: www.bookdepository.com/book/9781934082065?redirected=true&selectCurrency=GBP&w=AFC7AU960PJG0TA8Z3D2&gclid=CjwKEAiA8K20BRDetNv3p6DNhXwSJADSwa3tygX10jH3poJ069MRt0D48TLCl8CDPV8SiHBVtFqQFRoCABPw_wcB

Just google "picture books abut adoption" and whole rafts of them will come up.

Congratulations on your new GS.

We have adopted children in our wider family and they have been welcomed by all, and treated just the same as all the others.

Congrats to you and yours, Hattie! I don't have any experience with adoption, but think PPs gave you great explanations about the idea of telling the truth so early. It makes perfect sense to me now and I'm glad you see that, too.

In the end, though, it's up to the parents to decide how to move forward. So even if you still thought it was too soon, if they decided to tell the child about it now, you would be unwise to try to stop them, I believe. I know you want what's best for baby but so do they. Also, I kind of hate to admit it, but often it seems young parents will take professional advice over ours, anyway.

Please just enjoy your new GS and let DD (dear daughter) and SIL make the childrearing decisions (but perhaps, you generally do).

Hattie my post should read that little boy not "those little ones" and he is not "they are"....the perils of posting when it's past my bedtime, oh for an edit facility!

Absolutely the best of gransnet, it's heartwarming to read so many wise, helpful and positive posts. Enjoy every precious moment with those little ones Hattie, how fortunate they are to become part of a loving family who just want the very best for them from the start

It is indeed Iam

I'm so glad you have had so much helpful support Hattiehelga. I found this thread heartwarming!

Thanks for your comment Hattiehelga - this kind of discussion is the best of gransnet imo.

It was a dull and depressing day again yesterday but you Gransnetters brought sunshine and enlightenment into my day. I cannot say how much I appreciate and value all the advice and private messages I received from so many of you. All that was said has really shed a new light on the anxieties I was feeling and I can see the absolute sense in being open from an early age. The comment from nightowl about not remembering when he was told is so wise and food for thought. When my daughter and I are having a heart to heart I will pass on all that you have said. My heartfelt thanks to everyone.

Many good and positive comments about the benefits of being open about adoption from the start here. Hopefully, children who are adopted now will have as much information as can be gathered about their family of origin, particularly medical histories.

I think secrets in families, whether about adoption or anything else, are ultimately corrosive and destructive. Things have a way of surfacing, sometimes at very awkward times, and causing a lot of upset.
The point about medical history is a good one. A very good friend of mine was adopted, and married a man who was adopted. When she became pregnant she had no answer at all to the questions about family medical history.

That's very sad andy. Apart from SW advice, one reason I told my girls from the outset was because of the experience of friend's cousin.
So anxious were her parents to hide the adoption that they immediately emigrated to Canada. So she didn't know the family left behind but somehow came to learn of her adoption, which she never discussed with her Mum and Dad.
I honestly believe that trying to keep adoption secret is a recipe for unhappiness.
When my girls were older I did share with them the little knowledge we had of their birth mothers.
On a practical level a basic medical history might prove very useful.

I taught an adopted child who thought his gran was his mum and his mum was his sister. When he went to secondary school other kids who knew the family 'secret' told him the truth. He was devastated. Open and honest truth leads to less distress than secrets and half truths.

Loving stories from day one are by far the better way to let a loved child understand who they are and be happy.

We have a friend who is 67 and he's just found out that he was adopted as a baby. His adoptive parents died a few years ago without ever telling him. It was a massive shock to him and his family. He now feels resentment towards his adoptive parents.

Thank you nightowl. I haven't been but did call on story-telling experience as a teacher!
Testament to adoption being a family-wide affair - my niece who fits in between my girls in age, is now a SW who works with adopting families and loves her job.
If our adoptions had not been successful I believe she would have chosen a different career maybe.

What a lovely way of doing things mcem

Have you been involved in training prospective adopters at all? Because if not you should be.

It is lovely to hear happy stories!!

Sorry if I've repeated the last few posts but that saga took me a while to type on this tablet!

My daughters were both adopted at 6 weeks of age. Ask them now (39 and 37) what they remember about being told of their adoptions and they'll say 'nothing at all.'
I did exactly what you're worrying about helga and it worked beautifully.
Please do NOT think in terms of sitting him down at what you see as an appropriate time and telling him. Do NOT see it as breaking the news gently.
Let him grow up knowing, accepting it and seeing it as 'no big deal'.
A favourite bedtime story from younger than 2 was the ' Once upon a time there was a happy young couple who had everything in the world that they wanted apart from one very important thing.............
Embroider the story in an amusing and light-hearted way including the garden, the dog, the potential grandparents and cousins etc, etc!
The lady who wanted the baby couldn't grow a baby in her own tummy............
Someone told them about a girl who was having a baby but was sad because she didn't have a home or a family for it. She wanted the best for this special baby so...........

Story ends with 'and the lady and the man were Mummy and Daddy and the very precious baby was YOU!!!!! ' Cue applause!

Some will throw up hands in horror - politically incorrect and naive!!

But it was nearly 40 years ago and it worked.
Grandparents had their doubts back then but we were comfortable with it and wouldn't do it any differently today.

Obviously you have to adapt the story to your family circumstances ( as we did when telling the next generation) but keep it light and joyful.

All our friends and family rejoiced with us at the adoptions and you can't swear a whole community to secrecy!

Adoption isn't a furtive secret - it's a terrific opportunity to share with everyone that you have been entrusted with a great privilege.

I'm happy to discuss this with you - pm if you'd like to - and tell you a few more chapters.

nina

Congratulations Hattiehelga on your fourth grandchild. I have professional and personal experience of adoption and the comments above are right, it's better for children to grow up always knowing they were adopted than to be given this big news at some future date. Your grandson should have a Life Story book, that arrived with him. Most foster carers are good at helping put this together, with many photographs and information about milestones. It's sad to read the sw was less than helpful but there are a number of books and organisations on line that give useful support to adoptive parents. It's so good to read that he is happy and settled, he's clearly loved.