Where am I going wrong? AM I going wrong?

I can imagine your flush of satisfaction when you found such an appropriate present, only to feel deflated when it was not received with due thanks. we got a missive a year ago saying please only spend £10 and books only, so that was a cheap year for birthdays! Maybe just keep it at yours, shrug, and let it ride for a while.

Absolutely agree Greyduster. I have bought my grandchildren presents I know they never subsequenty look at but my daughter and her husband are too kind and too polite to tell me so! My SIL says I get 100% as a granny because I never ask them what to buy the girls for Christmas and birthdays - I just use my own judgement, which is what poor Rowantree did. Her daughter should realise that she has hurt her mother very much - for what?

WOW, what a lot of good sense and wisdom there is on Gransnet! It means such a lot and has given me a lot to think about.
I am guilty of 'allowing' DD2 to bully me somewhat. I should mention here that the mental health issues diagnosed included Unstable Mood disorder (formerly known as Borderline Personality disorder) and those with this condition tend to see and react to life in black and white. She has improved a lot, and these days often apologises later for 'going off on one', but of course it'd be better if she learned to respond in a calmer and more circumspect manner in the first place.
That said, I'm sick of being treated like this. We've given her nothing but support and love (and will always do so) and I don't want a medal for that - just acknowledgement sometimes, appreciation, consideration for MY feelings.

Having thought it all over, with all the excellent advice here, I know I should have asked first, but it's not a capital offence and yes, I will forgive myself for that. I did it out of love but in future I'll try to sit on my hands as another poster suggested, or ask first. I'm not going to apologise any more for this; simply keep it here, and remain cool and as dignified as I can. I do feel that her reaction was disproportionate, hurtful and rude and I hope that ultimately she realises that .

It's all a learning curve, I suppose - and at times a rather painful one! Again, many, many grateful thanks for all the love, suggestions, advice and support. It has really helped.

Rowantree, you have been given a lot of good advice and at the heart of it, to my mind, is the prompt to value yourself.

I also have a grown up child with mental health problems and I understand what it has meant to be the kicking post for them at times through turbulent years. Like your DD, my son is now very much better, but can still revert to being very self-orientated at times. It is hard when all you want to do is to be supportive and make life happier for them. But they also need to appreciate that you have feelings too. I hope that with a little passing of time you will be able to have a reasoned and reasonable conversation with your DD in which you can express something of your own dismay and disappointment at her reaction - not because it hasn't already been forgiven, but so that it won't be repeated.

There are ways to say 'Thanks, but no thanks,' but I suspect many of us have experienced our children being rather short with us in a way they would not be with others - familiarity really can breed a level of contempt and I don't think it does any harm to tell them they have overstepped the mark sometimes. Also, our children seem to have so much more materially than we did and I don't think they always properly appreciate what is given.

This takes me back to when my DS was a tot and we lived in a tiny flat on a busy main road. My mother turned up at Christmas with a zonking big pedal car. It was far too big for DS and had to be lugged down a flight of stairs but guess what? I thanked her profusely because I wouldn't upset her for the world. She adored DS and nothing was too good for him. Within a year we bought our first house in a quiet cul de sac, our DS grew a bit and had hours of fun with the pedal car.
It was not worth destroying the relationship with my mother when she had meant well. No harm was done and all ended well.
If only people would stop and think before letting off steam. Rowantree I would tell your DD that she has upset you, and I would keep the workbench at your house if DD's space is at a premium. It's good for your DGD to have special toys at your house - she will enjoy them when she visits you. That's an ideal compromise I think. Good luck!

Rowantree I've been thinking about you and this dilemma quite a bit.

You ask 'AM I going wrong?' The answer is NO you are not going wrong, you are only doing what many grans would do under the circumstances ie see something you think your GD would like and buying it. The problem is you daughter. And there is no excuse for this rudeness.

Your other question is 'Where am I going wrong?' and that is down to you. If you continue to allow your daughter to treat you like that then the problem will still exist. You need to try to do something about it. Either sit down quietly with her and explain how she has made you feel or if you cannot trust yourself to do this without getting upset, then withdraw from her temporarily. Be less chatty, don't contact her let her contact you. In some way show her you disapprove of her reaction.

Whatever you do, do not apologise.

I'm saying this because I know exactly what it's like and have been through this myself a couple of years ago. Then after one especially upsetting incident I thought 'enough is enough' and I simply withdrew from my daughter. Nothing dramatic. But I was quite uncommunicative, I'd answer politely if spoken to, but I'd hand over her children when she came to pick them up without telling her all those interesting little things they'd said or done (which she wasn't interested in anyway) and kiss them goodbye, but not her. After a few days she noticed and asked 'is anything wrong?' and I fixed her with blank look and said 'why should anything be wrong?'
I also used to ring her up and remind her that her oldest son had a school trip/music lesson/etc next day but that stopped too and I'll never forget her panicked face when I asked when GS1's packed lunch was (for school trip) when she dropped him off at 7.30am one morning. Of course I managed to rummage up one for him, but not without letting her know it was not my job.

What I'm saying here is I had to deliberately take a stand against being taken for granted and yes, it was low-level bullying. Things are much better now. I'm treated with respect and I get much more 'thank you mums' than ever before.

It is akin to bullying Eloethan

I do think there is too much of this attitude that grandparents should continually be censoring what they say and do for fear of antagonising their children - and often in relation to what, I think, are relatively minor issues. It seems that, in some cases, it is perfectly OK for grandparents to provide regular childcare and help out with other practical issues but if they dare venture an opinion or are perceived as having committed some sort of transgression they are then subject to what seems to me like a disproportionate degree of criticism and anger.

So often grandparents on here have talked of "treading on eggshells" and seem to be almost afraid of their grown-up children. This sort of behaviour seems to me to be very akin to bullying. Whilst I don't think it's a good idea to become embroiled in an argument, I do think it's important for a grandparent not to assume she/he is always at fault every time their children have a hissy fit.

The only time I have asked about buying big presents has been to check that they haven't got them already. Fortunately DD is happy to be given as many toys and clothes as I care to buy. I have a large stash of toys at our house as GS2 spends at least 4 days a week with us and if he wants to take any of them home he is welcome to.

I'm a little more circumspect about GS3 because DiL does have different ideas about things but I don't think she's ever turned anything down.

Greyduster has said exactly what I think. And yes, jingl us spot on asking what's up with this generation. If it was me, I'd take the bench straight round to the nearest charity shop or give it to some other child. You're not depriving your GD as she doesn't know about it. Or stick it in your garage/garden shed/ loft until your other GC ( when they arrive) are old enough to play with it.

And do not apologise to your rude daughter, in fact treat her very politely, but coldly. Or better still ignore her fur a while. She's got to learn some tact and appreciation. I used to walk on eggshells around my daughter until I got so fed up with it and that I didn't bother to contact her. As she needs me (for school runs etc) more than I need her this did the trick and I'm not taken for granted any more. It's about time we all stopped pussyfooting around this generation.

wilma I don't believe I said the OP should disregard her daughters wishes or feelings! not at all in fact, if you read both of my posts.

I buy lots of toys but keep them at my home, GC like to play with them here and sometimes ask if I will take them to their house for the day. Problem solved for parents. They also use my video collection like a library and borrow their favourite films.

I honestly wouldn't bother trying to keep in with r. She sounds a nightmare. "Mental health problems" don't cause that sort of attitude.

Rowantree, I'm so sorry that you've been hurt like this. I don't feel you've done anything wrong, even in error, but your daughter's problems have led to her just lashing out.

Like others on here, I love to buy for the grandsons and get round it by keeping all the bargains at our house - I sometimes think we've more toys now than we had when their parents were small When I'm looking after the little 'uns, I arrive with my Nana bag stuffed full of puzzles, toys and books, which I take home with me at the end of the day. As for birthdays and Christmas, we've set a fixed sum for each and ask our children what they want us to do, buy something specific or give them the cash, to spend themselves or put into savings accounts. This seems to work.

I hope this helps and I hope all this blows over soon

God! What is wrong with this generation of parents? "Undermining" my arse arse (can't think of a better way of expressing it. I would get really cross and tell her to piss off, quite honestly.

So sorry this happened, Rowantree! It sounds like it was truly the "perfect gift" for GD and it's unfortunate that DD2 doesn't seem to appreciate that! Please don't beat yourself up about it - it was a mistake and I'm sure you won't repeat it.

As for asking first about a gift for grands, I generally do, especially where large items are concerned. It's not that hard to ask the mother/parents. You (general GP) shouldn't "have to," but it can save a lot of heartache. Yes, it's bad manners to complain about a gift, as another poster said, but if you ask first, you avoid that issue.

I know you must have been really eager to give GD this tool bench and didn't want to be told no. But you've been told no, anyhow, and now there's tension between you and DD2 because of it. So better to ask first, I think, even if it means you can't get GD what you would like to.

Do I think DD2 should have flown off the handle like that? No, and again, it's bad manners, after all. But if she has talked to you about the size of gifts before or accused you of getting "too many," then I can see how this could have been a "final straw," even though it's such a lovely gift. In the future, please hold back. And if you really want to buy something, then ask - yeah, even if it's a book.

In the end, I think the idea of keeping the bench at your house is the best idea. Give DD2 some time to cool down and I'm sure all will be ok. (((Hugs)))

rosesarered I think it would be wrong to disregard the daughter's feelings because of mental health issues, especially as the OP says she now copes brilliantly with things. Given what the OP has said has happened in the past, they will both have emotional 'baggage' around what's happened. As the OP says, there are still flashpoints and it sounds like this is one. We all have them and time for reflection works both ways. No doubt things will settle down and as mumofmadboys says, the daughter may just be having a bad day. We all have those too.

The idea of keeping the gift at Rowantree's house sounds great and so does swapping gifts between the two homes. GC do love surprises, but they also love the familiarity of their own toys and things when they visit!

Rowantree I am so angry on your behalf, to have such a loving gesture thrown back in your face.

And everyone please excuse me for saying this, but for DD2 say that you are undermining her..... My Arse !!

I understand that you will love your daughter very much, and I'm certain that she loves you. But I think the problem is with your daughter and her emotions and not you..... i.e. she went off the wall about it.
She may have felt that this was the straw that broke the camel's back but this is from her point of view and unfortunately, her point of view and yours didn't quite agree. The difficulty isn't really the item - it's how DD2 reacted, and unfortunately you were on the receiving end. What normally happens following an outburst, if you sit back and wait it out will DD2 eventually come around.

It is sad that the joy you found in sourcing second hand stuff (at her request) was wiped by DD2 outburst.

I have one ds who says, anything goes but if it's too big it stays at my house.
Another ds, I'd always run stuff past him and am often 'redirected' to something else.

Be kind to yourself, if you think you made a mistake (and I don't think that you did) then just remember we all get it wrong sometimes, we aren't perfect.
I'd be inclined (if I could) to set the issue to the side, do something nice for yourself and remember that it, or something like it, has probably happened before.

As for your dh, he maybe keeps his head down as far as DD2 is concerned, if he doesn't buy anything then he can't get it wrong.

Many times I've felt like saying 'wise up', but as your daughter has health issues it isn't just that easy.

Take care of yourself.

rowantree forgive yourself. So you bought something and got a bit carried away (in their view). So what, so, fine!

The closest example I've had to this is I bought my little grandson some Lego Duplo, partly because I remembered how much his dad had enjoyed playing with it as a toddler. My DIL said "Thanks, we'll put it away till he's old enough". My son thanked me and then told me firmly but nicely that he had been looking forward to buying his son his first Lego, and now I had "gapped in", so if I didn't mind he intended returning it to swop it for the particular set he had in mind. My response was "Oh. Of course. I should have thought to ask you first". And that was that.

I constantly have to sit on my hands when I see toys "from a smoke and pet free home" available on the local Mums Group that I think are ideal for my grandson. It's easy to get caught up in the moment.

for you.

I think grandparents get so much pleasure from buying things for their younger GC, especially if they didn't have a lot of money to buy things for their own children. And there's SO much more choice these days too.

When my niece and nephew were younger they got so many presents for Christmas and birthdays that my SiL used to put some away to bring out on a rainy day, etc. They were the first GC in the family and both sets of GPs had known hard times and couldn't help themselves from buying lots of things for the GC.

What happened though was that when the GC were older and developed their own set of likes and dislikes, the GPs no longer knew for sure what they would like and things settled down to the point where now they check with my SiL before buying Christmas and birthday presents to avoid duplication and also disappointment by buying the wrong things.

What possible excuse could they have for not picking up gifts Stansgran??? I'm sorry but i'm cross on your behalf .

We all know its a pain to have to go to the post office , but to collect a gift for your child? Is it a 6 hour round trip from the middle of deepest darkest africa on an elephant ?

I'm sad for you. Its true that the most pleasure lies with the giver and you're not allowed that small pleasure.

I think Rowantree that you sadly already realise this is not your fault, but that your DD2 has mental health problems.She has become used to blaming you.You have my sympathy, it must be so difficult for you.?

Perhaps your daughter was just having a bad day and took it out on you. Try not to take it to heart.

I have despaired of two of my grandchildren every receiving presents from us. They live abroad and after finding that parcels were not picked up from the post office if they weren't in when delivered,only things which fitted in the slot of their box could be sent we have taken to opening an account with a local bookshop and getting them to send vouchers. Very dull ,in fact no fun at all as I got a picture last night( birthdays were last year) of the books they had bought. Strangely enough the boy had chosen the best ski runs in the world and oddly his father is a ski addict . The girl had chosen a lonely planet guide and mum travels widely.

I'd completely understand that too, obieone. It wasn't with any intention to 'buy' favour or upstage DD2 and her partner at all. I saw it on the site, and remembered how much DGD loves 'helping' her daddy with the DIY, holding screwdrivers and so on, and how interested she is in the processes. I just thought - that would be perfect for DGD - and was excited by it. I wouldn't even mind if DD2 gave it to DGD from them - wouldn't bother me at all. I can just see her loving playing with it, that's all, and being totally absorbed in it. But I did the Wrong Thing.

All I can do now is to wait for DD2 to break the silence - she's 'gone quiet' and that usually means she's seething with rage, despite my having reassured her that there are solutions and I was sorry she felt I was undermining her and that I really hadn't meant to do that....etc etc.