neglected house my grandchildren live in

Maybe your daughter would be interested in flylady.com?
Flylady advises starting with baby steps, not to try to do too much causing burnout.
She gives lots of useful hints, like choosing something that you will do for 15 mins only, or less, then stop.

As you say you know your daughter would like you to help, ask her what would be the best way you could do that.

I would not have minded anyone doing cleaning up for me. If you are in her house offer to help with a meal and do the cleaning up on auto pilot.

My daughter still seems exhausted with a 9mnth old who does not sleep well and a three yr old. The house is not unhygenic but it is very very cluttered. My daughter has never got into a routine.

She will be returning to work soon and both children will be in nursery so she might get some more time to sort things out if she is not on a shift when the children are at nursery.

It is upsetting to see your children struggling.

My house was pretty messy and not very clean when the kids were little. By the time I had given my all to being a mum to a toddler that never got the idea of playing on his own, I had no motivation left for tidying and scrubbing floors. I'm sure MIL scandalised. But of course her son never picked up a mop.
Try not to be judgemental and remember that children in grubbier houses seem to grow up with fewer allergies than those brought up in a spotless home.

Please please please do something about this, yes they will think you are interfering and yes you may get threatened with not being able to see the children again but this is child neglect - and what emotional love are the children getting? I would be very very concerned if I saw any child living like that you need to step in to protect the children, they are the innocents in this. You must be blunt with them say you are concerned and act on your concerns please for the children's sakes

There's lived in, messy, untidy, mucky and health hazard. Where this fits on the scale may also depend on one's point of view!

It is a difficult and sensitive situation. I often go m to see my daughter and she is stressed . I tell her to go out for a couple of hours and ask her would she like me to tidy around. I clean up buy fresh flowers and then say I hope that makes you feel better as I appreciate with children something has to give. She does comment I hope you do not judge and I tell her I have been there myself when there were days I could not face the day and it does open up dialogue between us. I offer to come again soon and she can visit a friend have her hair done etc., and I give the house a good clean. Things are not as deteriorated as with your daughter but start slow and gradually build up. There are lots of pressures on young people today and when your in a spiral you cannot see things clearly as what may have happened to your daughter. Keep your foot in the door and do what you can Good Luck

JessM great post! I asked earlier in the thread whether their health was suffering but not had a response.

These days my house is spotless, yet like you JessM when mine were small my house was pretty grubby.

I think we all have different standards and our standards change as our priorities change.

dear gingernut31

I am so sorry to hear about your concerns and I would be upset and worried too. However, you have done just about as much as you can do by raising the issue with your daughter. I'm afraid if she hasn't responded then I think you need to keep your own counsel. There could be a number of reasons for their home being as it is:

1 Some people just don't worry about cleanliness and clutter and to them its OK

2 Your daughter might be tired and just not have the energy to do anything other than look after the children at the moment. You might find when she gets more time to herself she will buck up

3 It is quite possible your daughter does have depression; this could even be post natal depression as this can occur from anything up to two years after a child is born

4 Have they got money worries? Sometimes having too little cash can cause people to suffer from low mood and frequently, depression. Does her husband not help her out in the home?

I guess you have asked her if you can help her out with the cleaning? If not would it make things flare up again do you think?

At the end of the day maintaining contact with your grandchildren is the most important thing. Try to enjoy them and not worry. If you feel they are being neglected then of course that's a different matter.

I am sure she knows the place is a mess without being told so keep mum.
It has got like that gradually and my thoughts are that its beyond her now and she just cannot see where to start. The children keep her busy and she will be worn out at the end of the day.
Would it help if you offered to have the children for a weekend as a treat for them? I'm sure the children would love it and maybe it would give their parents a chance to make a start, working together with no distractions? I would not give that as a reason, just say it's a treat for the kids. If it goes well, it could be repeated.
It is so easy for a young mum to be overwhelmed with kids, housework, shopping, sleepless nights, cooking, never a chance to draw breath. Even if they don't tackle the house first time, maybe they will a second time. But she must know you are on her side so no criticism, just loving support. Good luck.

Unless the living conditions are making the children I would keep out of it everyone has different standards as to cleaning I must admit my youngest DD has what to me is a messy house and doesn't seem bothered by it there are always pots and pans in the sink and jobs like cleaning the oven or windows don't happen often however she is a wonderful mother and has lots of friends and I couldn't wish for a kinder loving daughter.

Your DIL might be depressed or might just be bone idle but, either way, there is not much you can do about it as she and your DS might well restrict access to your DGC if you say anything. It's not a nice situation to be in and I have every sympathy with you. I also have great sympathy for your concerns that the state of the DIL's house might be making the children ill, poor mites.

You do suggest, however, that the children enjoy coming to you and that they have noticed how nice it is at your house. As they grow older and can discern differences they will value your love, cleanliness and orderliness more and more as they begin to perceive the contrast with their own home. It is a bitter comfort to take but a comfort, nonetheless.

I should just keep on good terms with your DS and DIL and trust to time. Perhaps it would be an idea to keep an eye on the DIL's state of mind in case she really is depressed which would then affect the DGC.

I know someone who lived in a house like that, with her three children. Her "friend" reported her to social services! Someone called out and gave her advice about cleaning up, and stopping the dog from making a mess. They also informed the children's father, who is living elsewhere. Maybe a visit from a social worker would be the kick up the backside that your daughter needs? If I were in your shoes I think I would offer to help clean up, before taking any official steps.

The OP has had her children to stay recently. Damp and mould are horrid things to live with. So are snotty children. The clothes on the radiators make things worse. If you could afford it could you give her a tumble dryer. I did for my DD when I saw their washing draped over everywhere. It was a late wedding present. Sometimes it is impossible to know where to start when things get on top of you. I have a husband who has not a clue about the amount of housework he generates but he is a not the same generation as op's SIL who should know better.

I'm sorry but I think I'd get tough on her. The 3 year old is in nursery, and a crawling baby presumably naps. This dd has a supportive mum in ginger, which is more than many young mothers have.

The OP wouldn't have posted if she weren't concerned. Even accounting for a differential in standards, and acknowledging that a bit of dirt is not going to harm, it does appear as though the dd -and the dp-haven't a clue.

I think there is an undercurrent of something else here-I think the fact that the OP seems reluctant to tackle the dd on her housekeeping is worrying. You fear that your daughter will hold you to ransom over your GC, OP, and that can't be good.

The "depression" argument doesn't hold water for me either; after all, she's managed to get married and go on honeymoon.

Why not treat them to a dehumidifier? It's drying clothes in doors that makes the mold, that. A tumble dryer as a gift would solve a few things that worry you. Don't say anything to them, I know exactly how you feel but it's their life and as long as the kids are cared for and happy unfortunately you can ask for little more. If she wants help by all means do cleaning but it sounds to me that they just want to live their life how they want. You can't do anything, just don't risk loosing contact with them all. It's not worth it.

Tumble dryers are a boon, but they're expensive to run.

Maybe the daughter hoped the wedding and honeymoon would make all her hopes and dreams come true. Now she's back home with the situation as before.
Stansgran - a tumble dryer is a good idea - as long as there is space for it and money to run it.
Whose responsibility is the mould? Is it a rented house?
Inishowen - so much would depend upon the social worker, reporting her could go badly wrong. Children in care (if the situation is regarded as that bad might not help anyone).

My goodness there are some awfully judgemental comments here. I'd like to bet that there's another perspective on this that we aren't being made aware of. When mine were small I struggled but a MiL who turned up saying 'Let me do some housework' (seen by her son who was used to being waited on as being wonderful) was the same person who criticised me because I didn't iron the (two) baby's terry nappies, and who went through drawers reading our correspondence and making tut tutting sounds in every room. She was nearer to causing me to be depressed than to curing it. I'd been a neglected child and found it very difficult to do all the work necessary to keep house when I'd never been taught how to manage, what would have been most helpful would have been the odd word of praise ('That looks pretty' or similar) and 'Let me get you a cup of tea and a biscuit, I'll watch the kids while you enjoy it'.

How sad for you, you must feel like you are treading on eggshells. I was a volunteer for a number of years for the charity HOMESTART, visiting families who were struggling - referred by the health visitor or clinic nurse. I saw some homes that were absolutely filthy but the children loved. I think advice came better from me as a stranger than from a family member. I spent one day a week encouraging them to clean and to cook. Baby steps were the key. I felt in the end I was more like a family friend and was told many things that the Mother hadn't shared with anyone else. Perhaps it would be an idea for you to get in touch with the family's G.P. and let him/her know the situation.

I'd be most concerned about the mould which is bad for everyone's health. Is the house well ventilated? Having wet clothes on all the radiators is bound to create condensation. You say that the youngest is at the crawling stage. Is there any chance of a visit from a health visitor? A comment from a neutral observer might be the spur your DD needs.
I have never been a perfect housewife and am still dreadfully untidy, but have always managed to present an impression of cleanness, at least in all visible places! My mum always insisted on cleaning my cooker when she came to visit, even when I'd spent the previous evening making it spotless. I don't do anything like that in my sons' houses, though I have been known to volunteer to do the ironing - the offer was accepted with relief!

I find that my daughter is happy for me to clean her kitchen but I don't interfere in any of the other rooms unless asked. For instance she has asked me to sort out the drawers in my grand daughter's bedroom and put the socks into pairs. It is a bit like treading on eggshells...wanting to help but being frightened of causing resentment

I've re read the OP and feel the key thing is ginger's use of the words 'neglected house'. I may be over thinking it but it sounds to me that the real concern here is that the state of the house reflects concerns the children's needs are also being neglected.
The state of the house sounds more than in need of a tidy and clean that most of us remember from our days with young children. It may reflect depression but the attitude of the daughter and son in law who say back off or you could be stopped from visiting is another worry.
I'd be worried about my daughter and her children and feel sympathy for ginger in trying to improve things.

RE: neglected house -dirty.

As a grandma it is really hard to witness but it is vital that you stay uncritical and keep all the family members safe by offering your support. If you are unable to manage this boundary and show your contempt for the 'filth' (your chosen word), then it is highly likely that you will lose contact and your grandchildren will suffer and miss you. Your anxiety will soar sunwards! You will not even be able to model good standards of housekeeping for them. 'Emotionally Cut-Off' Grandparents are almost as common as divorce so please be hugely mindful of offering the parents full positive regard. Support is key. It will keep you safe and your family safe. Sure its not ideal and I do sympathize but the balance is so delicate that I strongly urge you to conceal your disapproval. If you are judging them then there is no space to love them in. These feelings are mutually exclusive. Be very careful.

Very difficult situation and I don't think there's an easy answer. There's a world of difference between an untidy home which just needs a good clean and one which needs a team of professional cleaners and decorators to put it in order which this one sounds like it needs. Mouldy ceilings and windows are very difficult to remedy and as time goes on just get worse. If your daughter is struggling to cope already it will be nigh on impossible for her to get on top of it all on her own. It's a vicious circle as you don't know where to start so leave it which obviously compounds the problem. Is the house their own or rented? If it's not theirs they may not feel inclined to spend time and money on it. I think for the time being you will need to bite your tongue and just do as much as you can to help unobtrusively - maybe persuade her to go out with the baby for the day and tackle the kitchen to start with - does she have a friend who would help you? I agree it could still be post natal depression which won't be helping. We've all had kids and untidy houses and it's easy to be critical from the other side of them but sometimes people are just too overwhelmed to help themselves.

Pollyparrot I did respond to your question about my grandchildrens health :-)
My daughter has lost contact with all her friends, doesn't attend any mother and baby groups her husband never takes the children anywhere(apart from the local shop that is a 5 minute walk away)they don't do things together as a family.I've been on day trips out with my daughter and grandchildren and weekend breaks, I use to be a volunteer for home start, it's a great organisation :-) the health visitor is due to visit at the end of next month to check on my granddaughters development as she's almost 18 months and not walking(not concerned about that one as my daughter didn't walk till she was 18 months)my daughter often says she's bored which I find unbelievable when she's got 2 gorgeous children to entertain,me and my daughter go out for meals and drinks etc as she lacks all that with her husband, they have just spent 3 days in whitby together and the photos show her smiling and happy, maybe when I go down to their house tomorrow I might notice a difference in the house.I have a tumble dryer that I don't use so will offer it to them :-)
I've had some great advice from these posts so thanks for all them, I definitely won't be reporting them, my help and support is what is needed and I have a few ideas how to go about that now, might sound daft but my partner gets lots of anti bacterial wipes from work so I thought I'd take a pack of them down and offer them to her and just say I'll try some on the window frames :-)