neglected house my grandchildren live in

I've had an underachieve thyroid for years - strangely diagnosed the same day my long gone cat was diagnosed with an over active one! I've been on thyroxine ever since. It could be a reason your daughter feels everything is on top of her and she can't cope so it might be an idea to tell her to ask her doctor for a blood test. I'm so pleased to hear she's accepted some help and you've been able to make a start on cleaning the place. I'm sure once she starts to see an improvement it will give her an incentive to start herself too. Lovely to know you've had a nice day together too.

This morning my GP (the doctor kind) mentioned that a recent blood test showed a 'borderline' thyroid. I've been tired,cold, and not felt like doing much since the end of last year. I don't often make an effort to get things done and my house is far from tidy. I put it down to the time of the year.
It crossed my mind at the time that your daughter might have an underactive thyroid. From what my GP said it can be easily treated. Anyway I'm glad things are improving for you all.

gingernut31, if you can suggest to your DD that she may just be suffering from an under active thyroid, she may agree to go and get herself checked at her GP (she would have her blood tested for this). If she's really tired and lethargic much of the time, it's possible this could be the case - or simply that things have got on top of her as they do for lots of young mums. My own DD was born without a thyroid gland, and therefore has to take thyroxine as a matter of course. She can become really quite weary, however, even though she takes her medication at the right times, and knows that's just how it is for her. However, she's really tidy - on the other hand, her younger sister's home has always been chaotic, as has HER daughter's house!
I'm sure you're going the right way with your daughter, ginger. As long as she feels supported, and not criticised, hopefully you'll be able to get her through this patch. Gently does it.

The bed situation is no longer an issue and the no hot water I think was due to no money left on the gas meter but I know it did get topped up.how do you find out about an underactive thyroid please

It begins to sound very like depression to me gingernut If the house itself is mouldy and there is no hot water She must feel everything is becoming too much. Is it a rented property and can pressure be put on the landlord. If it is their own is there any help available to deal with the damp and the water. I've lived with problems like these at times and it does wear you down. You reach a point where it's too much effort even to rinse a teacup.

just read this post with interest, as I know someone with similar problems she is now being treated for an underactive thyroid, which causes depression like symptoms and now she is managing very well, she will never love housework but makes sure that hygiene is the most important thing. She may leave the bed unmade but the kitchen is clean and her childrens meals are prepared hygienically.

You are doing a good job gingernut.

Excellent post by rosie2014 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:48:37 Btw. Says it all.

Why is there so much mould in this house? Is there a landlord? They need some de-humidifiers.

When you sy "no bedding", do you mean a duvet without a cover? That's not that bad so long as he was warm.

No running hot water? That's not good with young children to look after...

Oh and me and my daughter went out for dinner afterwards too with my grandchildren so yeah it's been a good day and no falling out :-D

I asked my daughter today if she minded if I did a little cleaning while she was in town as I'd only be bored at home and she accepted :-) I managed to clean 2 sets of windows and the window panes, I then tackled some of the kitchen, it was a nightmare trying to wash pots etc that had been in the sink for over a week with no plug for the sink or a bowl to use,no running hot water and having to re boil the kettle countless times, I had to throw some pans away as they were covered in burnt on moldy food(I had given her some of mine a couple of weeks earlier)I also managed to clean some of the kitchen surfaces, almost 3 hours it took me but progress has been made,my sister is helping next time so should get more done, I do actually have a friend that is a social worker and her advice was to inform social services as they would assist(didn't tell her it was my daughter)
By the end of next week their home will look and smell as she use to keep it herself and hopefully manage to keep up with things,my grandson is always wanting to come to mine and tells me he doesn't want to go back to mummy's house when he is here, hopefully that's because I'm an awesome nana haha
Things are looking up, thanks everyone for all your advice.
I would never ever report them to social services,my daughter and grandchildren mean the world to me and I would much rather get my hands dirty and help I was just at a loss on how to go about it after trying 3 different ways in the past.I do work myself and have my grandchildren a day and half a week and see them at their home 3 times a week so my time to help clean is limited but with extra help from my sister it will get sorted twice as quick

I completely agree, grannyactivist, a social worker would not be interested. The Safeguarding Children Social Workers have clear protocols to follow and the child protection issues are very clear. They are sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Social workers are overworked and under valued. It's a very difficult job and they have no part to play in households where the only issue is where a bit of tidying and cleaning might be needed.

What on earth do people think a social worker would do in the situation described?

The children are fed and clothed by a caring and loving mum.

The house may be neglected, but if your last sentence is true ginger then the children are not. There is no hint of physical harm or emotional abuse and the days are long gone when social workers had the power to intervene in family life because the home isn't up to some mythical standard. If there is a real cause for concern then it is the job of the Health Visitor to make a referral based on evidence that the children are, or are likely to be, suffering significant harm.

A tumble dryer will help with the mould problem and nothing else that ginger has described is serious enough to warrant social work intervention.

OMG, gingernut! Your latest post put a different face on it for me! I don't blame you for speaking up in those 2 instances. Especially when I think of your GS sleeping on a bed with no bedding. Poor little guy!

I'm particularly worried about the kids being so dirty and smelly all the time. I take it they're not in school yet or, if they are, the school hasn't said anything.

I'm a little confused about DD. At first, you told us that if you try to talk to her about these problems, you get threatened with a CO. But now you say that in those 2 instances she listened to you and cleaned up. So maybe she your speaking up was working earlier but then she got tired of being told?

Be that as it may, if you're words aren't helping anymore and you really feel the kids are in an unhealthy, unsafe situation - and, I'm sorry but it sounds to me as if they are - then I'm changing my advice somewhat - I think you're only option is to call Social Services. I know you don't want to, but I don't see how you can just ignore this and I can't think of any other way to help those kids. Social Services may be able to do what you can't.

Maybe you want to wait until the health visitor comes to the house. Maybe they'll have a talk with DD and SIL if they notice these problems. Maybe they'll even make a report (they may be required to, I don't know). Then you would be off the hook and your GC would still get help.

I know you'll want to think carefully about this. If you do end up calling Social Services, might ask you if you would keep the kids for a while, as they're parents get their act together. Would you be willing to do this? Also, and if DD and SIL find out/suspect it was you, I know you may still get COd. But you'll know your DD's family is getting help and that you did the best by your grands. In my prior post, I know I was concerned about your providing a social outlet for DD and the kids, but now I'm thinking the children's health and safety are more important, especially if it's as bad as you describe. And I know you may be worried about their taking the kids away from the family, period. But as long as it's just a matter of cleaning up/keeping the house and kids clean, I don't think that will happen. I may be wrong, though, so again, I realize you'll want to give this a lot of thought.

Sorry that the advice here has been so contradictory - and now here's someone (me) who has actually changed hers! All I can say about that is please go with whatever rings a bell in your heart. My own heart goes out to you and yours once again!

Blimey getting even more and more confused now with all the conflicting advice :-( it was just over a year ago I first said something to my daughter as my grandsons bedroom was covered in toast that he had thrown out of his cot and his sheets were mucky, there was lots of other things wrong with the house too,this prompted her to clean all his bedroom up and move him into a big boys bed,the second time was around 6 months ago when I noticed my poor little grandson was sleeping in a bed with no bedding and his bedroom floor covered in toys clothes and books etc, you literally couldn't move, hardly a safe, comfortable and cosy haven for him plus again lots of other things wrong with the house.I mentioned about him not having any bedding on and by the time I next went down it was all tidy and bed made., its not got that bad since its the smell of the mold on the ceilings and windows, I was heartbroken when both my grandchildren went back home after spending 3 days/nights with me knowing they were going back to all that, you can smell the foistyness on their clothes,they are both filthy from the mucky carpet and have dried up and fresh snot on their faces,I know my daughter wouldn't walk about house looking like that so why leave defenseless kids looking like that, I know she's a very caring and loving mum and they are fed and clothed..sorry can't write no more

Resist the antibacterial wipes. Bite your tongue. The problem here is not the house is it. The state of the house is the outward expression of your daughter's feelings.

Also, just cuz DD has little kids to keep her busy, that doesn't mean she can't be bored. I'm sure she loves them, but some people find kids' activities boring and she may be one of them. She also may need more of a social life than she seems to be getting with SIL. The state of the house may reflect a problem in the marriage, especially since it seems to be a recent change. Or "boredom" may really be depression and DD doesn't realize it. Nothing you can do about any of that, of course. But if you think one of those is behind all this, maybe it will help you understand the situation better.

I would be careful about saying/doing anything right now since you've be threatened with a CO (cut off). Maybe after a few pleasant visits, with no talk of the state of the house, but not till then.

I might not ordinarily say that, but it seems to me that those GC need you - and for more than overnights at your house and so on. Apparently, their parents haven't just fallen behind in housecleaning but in a social life, too, for both them and the kids. Maybe some of it's cuz their house is too messy to have friends in, but that doesn't explain not going out more. Maybe it's due to PPD. Maybe it's cuz they've been focused on their wedding. Maybe it's cuz SIL has turned out to be anti-social or just a penny pincher. Who knows? But thank goodness, DD and the kids have you to help them get out and have some fun!

I can see bringing those wipes, however, and just using them on anything you happen to need to clean, as your going along. Like if you're cooking/helping to cook a meal and/or cleaning up afterwards, maybe you could whip out your wipes and just say you like using them, if asked. But I don't know - even that may be touchy.

You say a health visitor is coming soon. Have they been there before? Did they say anything about the state of the house? Do you think they will this time? DD and SIL might be more likely to listen to a professional than "good ole Mom/MIL." But maybe not.

Pollyparrot I did respond to your question about my grandchildrens health :-)
My daughter has lost contact with all her friends, doesn't attend any mother and baby groups her husband never takes the children anywhere(apart from the local shop that is a 5 minute walk away)they don't do things together as a family.I've been on day trips out with my daughter and grandchildren and weekend breaks, I use to be a volunteer for home start, it's a great organisation :-) the health visitor is due to visit at the end of next month to check on my granddaughters development as she's almost 18 months and not walking(not concerned about that one as my daughter didn't walk till she was 18 months)my daughter often says she's bored which I find unbelievable when she's got 2 gorgeous children to entertain,me and my daughter go out for meals and drinks etc as she lacks all that with her husband, they have just spent 3 days in whitby together and the photos show her smiling and happy, maybe when I go down to their house tomorrow I might notice a difference in the house.I have a tumble dryer that I don't use so will offer it to them :-)
I've had some great advice from these posts so thanks for all them, I definitely won't be reporting them, my help and support is what is needed and I have a few ideas how to go about that now, might sound daft but my partner gets lots of anti bacterial wipes from work so I thought I'd take a pack of them down and offer them to her and just say I'll try some on the window frames :-)

Very difficult situation and I don't think there's an easy answer. There's a world of difference between an untidy home which just needs a good clean and one which needs a team of professional cleaners and decorators to put it in order which this one sounds like it needs. Mouldy ceilings and windows are very difficult to remedy and as time goes on just get worse. If your daughter is struggling to cope already it will be nigh on impossible for her to get on top of it all on her own. It's a vicious circle as you don't know where to start so leave it which obviously compounds the problem. Is the house their own or rented? If it's not theirs they may not feel inclined to spend time and money on it. I think for the time being you will need to bite your tongue and just do as much as you can to help unobtrusively - maybe persuade her to go out with the baby for the day and tackle the kitchen to start with - does she have a friend who would help you? I agree it could still be post natal depression which won't be helping. We've all had kids and untidy houses and it's easy to be critical from the other side of them but sometimes people are just too overwhelmed to help themselves.

RE: neglected house -dirty.

As a grandma it is really hard to witness but it is vital that you stay uncritical and keep all the family members safe by offering your support. If you are unable to manage this boundary and show your contempt for the 'filth' (your chosen word), then it is highly likely that you will lose contact and your grandchildren will suffer and miss you. Your anxiety will soar sunwards! You will not even be able to model good standards of housekeeping for them. 'Emotionally Cut-Off' Grandparents are almost as common as divorce so please be hugely mindful of offering the parents full positive regard. Support is key. It will keep you safe and your family safe. Sure its not ideal and I do sympathize but the balance is so delicate that I strongly urge you to conceal your disapproval. If you are judging them then there is no space to love them in. These feelings are mutually exclusive. Be very careful.

I've re read the OP and feel the key thing is ginger's use of the words 'neglected house'. I may be over thinking it but it sounds to me that the real concern here is that the state of the house reflects concerns the children's needs are also being neglected.
The state of the house sounds more than in need of a tidy and clean that most of us remember from our days with young children. It may reflect depression but the attitude of the daughter and son in law who say back off or you could be stopped from visiting is another worry.
I'd be worried about my daughter and her children and feel sympathy for ginger in trying to improve things.

I find that my daughter is happy for me to clean her kitchen but I don't interfere in any of the other rooms unless asked. For instance she has asked me to sort out the drawers in my grand daughter's bedroom and put the socks into pairs. It is a bit like treading on eggshells...wanting to help but being frightened of causing resentment

I'd be most concerned about the mould which is bad for everyone's health. Is the house well ventilated? Having wet clothes on all the radiators is bound to create condensation. You say that the youngest is at the crawling stage. Is there any chance of a visit from a health visitor? A comment from a neutral observer might be the spur your DD needs.
I have never been a perfect housewife and am still dreadfully untidy, but have always managed to present an impression of cleanness, at least in all visible places! My mum always insisted on cleaning my cooker when she came to visit, even when I'd spent the previous evening making it spotless. I don't do anything like that in my sons' houses, though I have been known to volunteer to do the ironing - the offer was accepted with relief!