Helping adult children with money

My DD 2 has just paid for her sister who is broke (Not her fault) to go on holiday with her Just a three day flat rental inUK but am very proud of her

If you don't live for 7years the tax is on a sliding scale so the receiver wouldn't necessarily pay tax on it all.

I think there has to be care taken so that the giver of the money does not feel like a walking Bank Account.
I would advocate treating all children equally but recently had the experience of me making an offer to each (adult) child and the partner of one of those adults starts to assume a figure more than double the offer. The (adult) child when asked about this claimed to know all about the extra demand. The result was that the household was not given the offer. Another (adult) child got more than the original amount and has been paying back the extra meticulously for a year now suddenly payments have stopped and there are hints that money is needed for this and that. I will not be paying up. Another (adult) took the offer as stated and followed the advice given and has not asked for anything else.
So despite trying to treat all children equally it is not as easy as it sounds because they are adults with their own views and opinions.
At the moment I just feel like the above "walking bank account"
SPF

We have, at different times, helped three of our four children when they've needed it. The fourth has never needed financial assistance, but has had lots of support in other ways and not only doesn't begrudge the money spent on her siblings, but has also helped all of them financially herself. When her brother's car needed replacing recently she immediately offered a substantial sum towards a replacement, as did we and my husband's parents. In our family we've just always rallied round whoever is in need without counting the cost. Those who are not in a position to give financial help show support in other ways, and tanith, that's every bit as valuable and appreciated.

I'm so glad this thread is here because there's something I just want to get off my chest.
DH and I offered DS and DIL X amount of £s to purchase a used vehicle we were going to get on the road for them (tax and insurance) to help them out. We were all looking forward to going 'shopping' for the vehicle, especially DH. Next we hear, DIL and her DS and our son have been 'shopping' and found a used vehicle that costs X amount of £s which makes our 'gift more like a deposit. DH was not happy but I begged him not to kick up a stick, we promised the monetary gift so we had to come through even though we didn't entirely agree with their choice. The rest was paid on their CC and now DS is under pressure to make the monthly's and DIL still want's to go out on holidays etc spending money they can't afford. DS is working himself to a bone, not eating and sleeping properly and I just have to stand back and watch this happening. DH is very moralistic and principled and will not offer any more money to help DS out with the debt and rightly so but it's heart breaking to witness.
sorry for the thread crap ...

I totally understand your frustration menomum. Seems to me you have been very generous - in spirit as well as monetarily and that you are doing a sterling job of staying silent now.
They are adults and have made their bed - I think your DH is right not to offer more, even though it must be hard to see your DS flogging away.
Sounds like DS and DIL need to chat to each other about expectations and she may need to be more realistic and your son may need to speak up more - but it is their private territory.
By not bailing them out, you are making a silent statement. it is up to them to sort it between themselves. I guess the best you can do is be a listening ear / supportive if your son voices anxiety, but even then I would steer clear of making any judgment / comment beyond suggesting he and his wife chat things through together. Hopefully they will mange things well in time and in their own way.

Thank you Imperfect27 for your input, I agree with everything you have said.
It's hard for a mother, all you want to do is 'make it better' but as you and my DH say, they are adults and have made their bed.

Izabellaa cup of coffee bought with love is worth a king's ransom. I still treasure the memory of mushrooms on toast with my mum treating me in Hendersons in Liverpool forty years ago. I had mushrooms on toast for this Mothering Sunday. Sorry not trying to derail it is sad reading what happened in SPF 's and menomum's families.