Like mother like daughter??

Thanks jinglbells - you are right of course. I did have a better education and different troubles which I dealt with in my own way.

My mum was a complete drama queen, tearing her hair out, threatening to end her life when things went wrong. I dealt with things calmly and I hope in a dignified way.

I am ME not my mother or my aunt.

Wise words that have bucked me up no end.

Good old gransnet - a great place to get different points of view, all helpful.

Blimey some of these mothers are/were real nightmares.

I was the last child of my mother and father's marriage - born eighteen years after the last of their other three children. I always felt as if my mother resented me for "messing up" what should have been the rest of her life. We were never close; she was mercurial (which trait I think I have inherited), could be violent when the mood took her and in later life was an alcoholic. I tried to be like my father. The only mother figures I had were my older sisters, both of whom were married with children of their own while I was still at school. I have often wished, since I got married, that I had known more about what made my mother 'tick', but after I got married we were never in the country long enough go down that road and by the time we were she was gone and I was only left with vague clues and surmises. She was always brilliant with her grandchildren, though she never really knew mine.

gillybob, you so deserve the break, how disappointing for you

gillybob - I had to cancel a much longed for holiday in Italy when my mother was at her worst.

I made a list giving pros and cons and it came out that if we went I would be faced with a heap of trouble when we came home.

I SO wish I'd gone now.

The OP rang lots of bells for me. I had some counselling in my 50s which was wonderful and helped me to deal with my mum (and more importantly my own feelings) until she died. One of the things I learnt in the sessions was not to let my fears about 'turning into my mum' for my own daughters' sakes skew my behaviour - that it must be kept in perspective. Not only was I very different in outlook, education and experience from her, but my children had been brought up differently too and I mustn't load them with my expectations. So for example, I'd been emotionally manipulated never even to consider not visiting my parents for Christmas or hosting an extended visit from them. In reaction against this, I always encouraged my girls to accept any invitations they received at Christmas without feeling guilty. I had to learn not to overdo this because I was assuming my girls would feel a guilt they probably didn't! Similarly rejecting their offers of help when their dad had a health crisis was not a good idea. I did it because I didn't want to be a burden to them, but it took a therapist to help me see that that was me projecting my feelings on to them, and they probably were glad to do it, which it turned out was indeed the case. So I had to learn to be more careful about making assumptions- just shows I suppose how deep-rooted these things go.

That's enlightening nannalyn53, thank you for sharing.

DD2 ususally comes to us for Easter and her siblings and the DGC usually come for lunch and an Easter Egg hunt. We love it, but this year have said we (or I!!) are not up to it and I have felt awful since. But the children have just organised a meal on Easter Saturday at a restaurant near to one of them and then we are going back there for cake and the Hunt - no fuss at all!

Speaking of going away or not- my brother has come back from his holiday cottage in Cornwall (or turned back part way there!) for mum's (genuine!) health issues. It is giving him a great deal of glee that the few days away that we have booked in April, might not be 'after' Mum dies but could result in him having to call me back as she threatens to leave us yet again!

We went through well over a year with no holidays at all when my mum was very old although we did have a caravan in N Wales which we could escape to for a couple of days. However when she had a fall whilst we were there and it took us 4 hours to get there with GD in tow we gave up on that as well

I too think that you should stop even thinking about it - the fact that you are so aware of how you would wish not to behave with your children means that you will not do so. I am sure you are a lovely gran and Mum.

I think we all have bad childhood memories. Those who had "real mothering" should get down on their knees and Thank the Lord IMO. They dont realise just how fortunate they are. I once had to ask an older wiser trusted lovely friend if there was a law that said one had to love their mother. She clarified it for me that the love had to be coming from the mother towards
the child. A natural law that.

Mollie, I agree your mum was wrong in saying 'you are what you are, and you can't change'. There may be things about each of us that are built in and immutable, but the one thing we have control over is our behaviour, and we can change that (and so can other people, if they want to).

The posts on this thread are so sad, and to all of you who suffer from selfish, demanding and manipulative parents

My mother never complained - one of the last things she said before she died was "I expect I shall pick up soon - must start the spring cleaning next week!"
Mother-in-law was a different sort altogether - she enjoyed ill-health and had almost every disease known to man, plus another couple which she'd invented. She always said that the doctor found her case 'unusually interesting', whereas I knew that he dreaded the sight of her. I met her when she was a patient at the hospital where I was a nurse - I couldn't help noticing that she was visited by a handsome son, whom I married shortly afterwards, but I knew from day one that she was a difficult and demanding woman.
She kept her family on their toes until the day she died, in her late eighties, and though they resented her, they always did what she wanted.
It seems to be a fairly common problem, and I'm sure that all of us who have experienced this sort of behaviour will go out of our way to never be a thorn in our children's sides, so as Jingle says, Falconbird - just don't worry - you won't turn out that way!

I had a very loving & caring mum. She was independent & active well into her 80s, BUT I was an only child. My family was the focus of her life and as she grew older & her health and mobility deteriorated we were constantly concerned about her and for years I wouldnt travel abroad in case she had a crisis. i would gave loved a sibling or two to share the responsibility. On balance though I am fortunate to have had such a lovely mum & hope I can be like her as I grow older.

When I was in my 20s my Mum told me to shoot her if she started turning into my Granny.

Glad to say my Mum is alive and kicking. I often say though that I am my Mother's daughter because I get more like her as the years go by. At one point I would have cried at the very thought of that, but not any more. We had a long spell where she was very difficult because she hit a bad patch in her life. Before this we'd been very close, but during the bad patch I took far too much of her problems on to my shoulders and it affected our relationship for years. Thankfully we're very close again and I treasure my time with her now.

I will ask you ladies the same thing that I asked my dear friend who had years of the same. Why do you do it? My friend answered: she's my mother, I can't walk away.
I'm sorry, but I would not have done what some of you have, Mother or not, and certainly not at the cost of my own families happiness.
Nobody deserves to be treated as some of you have been.

petra I agree with your friend but it is also like asking an abused wife why she stays with the abuser. It's conditioning and control and these sorts of mothers have been able to mould us from birth.

Lots of women find the strength to leave abusive partners and some of we daughters break free too - I did, but not everyone can from either the mother or the man!

I could not have lived with myself if I had cut my mother out of my life. I supported her throughout her long life.
It was never easy but as an only child I felt a sense of duty
which my generation were instilled with.

My mother was loving but neglectful and the childhood of myself and my sister was very bumpy. Her 'boyfriends' ranged from lovely to awful and we sometimes lived from hand to mouth after she left my father. She never saved a penny and spent all the household money (after very basic food supplies) on alcohol and cigarettes. Her 'hands off' style of parenting meant that she didn't expect too much in the way of room service after we left home. My sister foolishly moved mum nearer to her and is run ragged looking after her now she has Alzheimer's, especially since mum is not too badly affected by the condition yet but is rude and ungrateful. I get on really well with mum but I would never be at her beck and call and I have had to say to her that I will not allow her to continue to be rude or horrible to me as it is too upsetting. This request worked and we have a good relationship.

Reading through these heartrending stories of manipulative mothers they seem to have a common thread. The abusers take advantage of their children's kindness. Call their bluff firmly and kindly. It worked for me.

I always knew how lucky I was to have my lovely supportive mum. This thread has reinforced
Her mantra was
Give them roots and wings and encourage them to fly
I've tried to be the same for mine

I had a wonderful mother.Theres not a day goes by,I don't think of her. She would have give you her right arm if she thought you needed it more than her.Everybody liked her.She wouldn't have dreamed of interfering ,or being a burden.If I'm anything like her,I'm proud.
Till we meet again mother.xxx

What an interesting thread. I never felt close to my mother. Dont have happy memories of childhood really. Remember being constantly criticised for bad posture, hit hard for doing things that I cant remember, having school homework ripped up and being made to redo it. When I had our two children I said I would always be there for them, because my mother walked out when I was 14, to live with another man. I worry when I feel myself starting to talk to them like she spoke to me, and hate looking in the mirror and seeing similarities. She is in a home with dementia now. Have had no contact for several years, and that was only for ther childrens sakes so they knew their grandmother. Feel that I should feel guilty, but dont. Good to get this off my chest. Thought I was a cold fish to feel like this. My husband had a happy childhood and cant understand how I feel like this, although both children understand me.

I have been very saddened by some of the posts on here because I had (on the whole) a lovely Mother who would do all she could for me and my children. Maybe that is why I always felt that I should always be there for her. She was getting more feeble at the age of 86 and my husband suggested she lived with us. I dont think then he or anyone thought that she would be almost 98 before she died. She became very demanding and her attitude was it was my duty to look after her as she had looked after me as a child. My husband came to realise that he had not really done me any favours byhaving her live with us. In fact in the end I was always being tested on my loyalties because they both wanted my undivided attention and in the end my husband and I split up. A few weeks later she died. It is only now that much time has passed that my husband are getting back to our old footing and hopefully will start to live together again.

Some posters have said they were only children and wished they had a sibling to help
. Yes I had a brother but he couldn't be bothered to come and see her and everything was left to me. I am determined that I will never live with any of my children and when the time comes that I cannot manage to live in my own home I will go into a care home.

Kitty. Thank you for that answer. I hadn't thought of it in that way. My Mother suffered terrible from domestic violence, and even when my sister and I 'rescued' her from my Father, she still went back to him.

This comment does not sound right at all but here goes - to read all the comments from others who had dreadful mothers makes me feel better because as she told me on her death bed you are a dreadful person and I have always hated you your twin sister should have lived not you.I have always felt not worth anything because of the way she was, but since all of you sound lovely and very caring and supportive of each other perhaps I am not as horrid as she made me feel. Sorry post sounds self pitying but it is just because you all do seem so very kind to each other

I feel so sad that not everyone had a good mum like me. I was very close to Mum, we worked at the same place three different times, sometimes we had ding dongs but we would usually make up pretty quick. After my dad died my mum was only in her fifties but she thought that her life was over , I told not to be silly as you don't know what happens in the future. As it happens she went on to find a new partner which lasted till he died in 2003. He helped her through bowel cancer and he made her happy. Sadly my mum died in 2013, I thought I would die too, my sister thought the same, we miss her terribly. Its been three years and I'm still coping without her but it gets hard sometimes, my sister is the same as me but we are helping each other, our mum would be pleased we are doing ok. All you can do is do your best, if your mum was not a good one you just turn it around and be a better one. Or like me be a great Great- Aunty.

My poor Mum was so locked in her battle with my Dad (she was deeply bitter about women's place in the world - and it was all Dad's fault apparently) that, even though I think she probably did love us, she had no emotion to spare for us - nor cuddles nor hugs. I was not intended - gin and hot bath apparently failed to dislodge me!

She was not physically cruel to me (although she was to my sister) but just cold - and the apparent normality of our home life was well hidden from those outside. It is hard when you are a child and you have nothing to compare it with - you just assume this is normal.

But when she was in her care home and very demented, she told one of the carers she loved her "almost as much as my oldest daughter" - that's me! - the carer told me after she died - that was a turn up for the books.

So I agree with some of the other posters here - if you had a loving warm mother then get down on your knees and thank your god!