Like mother like daughter??

I always knew how lucky I was to have my lovely supportive mum. This thread has reinforced
Her mantra was
Give them roots and wings and encourage them to fly
I've tried to be the same for mine

My mother was loving but neglectful and the childhood of myself and my sister was very bumpy. Her 'boyfriends' ranged from lovely to awful and we sometimes lived from hand to mouth after she left my father. She never saved a penny and spent all the household money (after very basic food supplies) on alcohol and cigarettes. Her 'hands off' style of parenting meant that she didn't expect too much in the way of room service after we left home. My sister foolishly moved mum nearer to her and is run ragged looking after her now she has Alzheimer's, especially since mum is not too badly affected by the condition yet but is rude and ungrateful. I get on really well with mum but I would never be at her beck and call and I have had to say to her that I will not allow her to continue to be rude or horrible to me as it is too upsetting. This request worked and we have a good relationship.

Reading through these heartrending stories of manipulative mothers they seem to have a common thread. The abusers take advantage of their children's kindness. Call their bluff firmly and kindly. It worked for me.

I could not have lived with myself if I had cut my mother out of my life. I supported her throughout her long life.
It was never easy but as an only child I felt a sense of duty
which my generation were instilled with.

petra I agree with your friend but it is also like asking an abused wife why she stays with the abuser. It's conditioning and control and these sorts of mothers have been able to mould us from birth.

Lots of women find the strength to leave abusive partners and some of we daughters break free too - I did, but not everyone can from either the mother or the man!

I will ask you ladies the same thing that I asked my dear friend who had years of the same. Why do you do it? My friend answered: she's my mother, I can't walk away.
I'm sorry, but I would not have done what some of you have, Mother or not, and certainly not at the cost of my own families happiness.
Nobody deserves to be treated as some of you have been.

When I was in my 20s my Mum told me to shoot her if she started turning into my Granny.

Glad to say my Mum is alive and kicking. I often say though that I am my Mother's daughter because I get more like her as the years go by. At one point I would have cried at the very thought of that, but not any more. We had a long spell where she was very difficult because she hit a bad patch in her life. Before this we'd been very close, but during the bad patch I took far too much of her problems on to my shoulders and it affected our relationship for years. Thankfully we're very close again and I treasure my time with her now.

I had a very loving & caring mum. She was independent & active well into her 80s, BUT I was an only child. My family was the focus of her life and as she grew older & her health and mobility deteriorated we were constantly concerned about her and for years I wouldnt travel abroad in case she had a crisis. i would gave loved a sibling or two to share the responsibility. On balance though I am fortunate to have had such a lovely mum & hope I can be like her as I grow older.

My mother never complained - one of the last things she said before she died was "I expect I shall pick up soon - must start the spring cleaning next week!"
Mother-in-law was a different sort altogether - she enjoyed ill-health and had almost every disease known to man, plus another couple which she'd invented. She always said that the doctor found her case 'unusually interesting', whereas I knew that he dreaded the sight of her. I met her when she was a patient at the hospital where I was a nurse - I couldn't help noticing that she was visited by a handsome son, whom I married shortly afterwards, but I knew from day one that she was a difficult and demanding woman.
She kept her family on their toes until the day she died, in her late eighties, and though they resented her, they always did what she wanted.
It seems to be a fairly common problem, and I'm sure that all of us who have experienced this sort of behaviour will go out of our way to never be a thorn in our children's sides, so as Jingle says, Falconbird - just don't worry - you won't turn out that way!

Mollie, I agree your mum was wrong in saying 'you are what you are, and you can't change'. There may be things about each of us that are built in and immutable, but the one thing we have control over is our behaviour, and we can change that (and so can other people, if they want to).

The posts on this thread are so sad, and to all of you who suffer from selfish, demanding and manipulative parents

I think we all have bad childhood memories. Those who had "real mothering" should get down on their knees and Thank the Lord IMO. They dont realise just how fortunate they are. I once had to ask an older wiser trusted lovely friend if there was a law that said one had to love their mother. She clarified it for me that the love had to be coming from the mother towards
the child. A natural law that.

I too think that you should stop even thinking about it - the fact that you are so aware of how you would wish not to behave with your children means that you will not do so. I am sure you are a lovely gran and Mum.

We went through well over a year with no holidays at all when my mum was very old although we did have a caravan in N Wales which we could escape to for a couple of days. However when she had a fall whilst we were there and it took us 4 hours to get there with GD in tow we gave up on that as well

That's enlightening nannalyn53, thank you for sharing.

DD2 ususally comes to us for Easter and her siblings and the DGC usually come for lunch and an Easter Egg hunt. We love it, but this year have said we (or I!!) are not up to it and I have felt awful since. But the children have just organised a meal on Easter Saturday at a restaurant near to one of them and then we are going back there for cake and the Hunt - no fuss at all!

Speaking of going away or not- my brother has come back from his holiday cottage in Cornwall (or turned back part way there!) for mum's (genuine!) health issues. It is giving him a great deal of glee that the few days away that we have booked in April, might not be 'after' Mum dies but could result in him having to call me back as she threatens to leave us yet again!

The OP rang lots of bells for me. I had some counselling in my 50s which was wonderful and helped me to deal with my mum (and more importantly my own feelings) until she died. One of the things I learnt in the sessions was not to let my fears about 'turning into my mum' for my own daughters' sakes skew my behaviour - that it must be kept in perspective. Not only was I very different in outlook, education and experience from her, but my children had been brought up differently too and I mustn't load them with my expectations. So for example, I'd been emotionally manipulated never even to consider not visiting my parents for Christmas or hosting an extended visit from them. In reaction against this, I always encouraged my girls to accept any invitations they received at Christmas without feeling guilty. I had to learn not to overdo this because I was assuming my girls would feel a guilt they probably didn't! Similarly rejecting their offers of help when their dad had a health crisis was not a good idea. I did it because I didn't want to be a burden to them, but it took a therapist to help me see that that was me projecting my feelings on to them, and they probably were glad to do it, which it turned out was indeed the case. So I had to learn to be more careful about making assumptions- just shows I suppose how deep-rooted these things go.

gillybob - I had to cancel a much longed for holiday in Italy when my mother was at her worst.

I made a list giving pros and cons and it came out that if we went I would be faced with a heap of trouble when we came home.

I SO wish I'd gone now.

gillybob, you so deserve the break, how disappointing for you

I was the last child of my mother and father's marriage - born eighteen years after the last of their other three children. I always felt as if my mother resented me for "messing up" what should have been the rest of her life. We were never close; she was mercurial (which trait I think I have inherited), could be violent when the mood took her and in later life was an alcoholic. I tried to be like my father. The only mother figures I had were my older sisters, both of whom were married with children of their own while I was still at school. I have often wished, since I got married, that I had known more about what made my mother 'tick', but after I got married we were never in the country long enough go down that road and by the time we were she was gone and I was only left with vague clues and surmises. She was always brilliant with her grandchildren, though she never really knew mine.

Thanks jinglbells - you are right of course. I did have a better education and different troubles which I dealt with in my own way.

My mum was a complete drama queen, tearing her hair out, threatening to end her life when things went wrong. I dealt with things calmly and I hope in a dignified way.

I am ME not my mother or my aunt.

Wise words that have bucked me up no end.

Good old gransnet - a great place to get different points of view, all helpful.

Blimey some of these mothers are/were real nightmares.

*Falconbird You are not your mum. Why would you be like her? You have probably lived a very different life to her. Perhaps you had a better education. And more experiences. And different troubles to overcome in your life than she did. Heredity is only a very small part of who we are. The things we live through have more influence on us. You are you. No one else. Stop worrying. Stop even thinking about it.

I also found my mother difficult to love. She never needed me, ever. But she got on well with my husband, eventually! The grandchildren and great grandchildren loved her. When I went to her funeral I found all these great friends she had. She had been on holiday with them after my father died - I never even knew she had been away.

I did feel guilty when she died that we hadn't communicated very well, but my sister said I wasn't the only one and she felt the same. She had moved to be near her in her last years but found it was worse.

Unfortunately, for me, I look very like her and see her in the mirror every morning.

It is a sad thread jingl and sad is how I feel about all these relationships which could and should have been so different.
My D is having a major trauma with one of my GC it is heartbreaking for us all but if that had happened to me my mother would have known nothing about it because it would have been all my fault and she would have delighted in it. Now that is sad.

"I found my mother too difficult to love." - gosh how that resonates! It was not that she was demanding - she was just embittered and this had a huge influence on her relationship with my Dad - boy, was it stressful! And she had, I think, severe PMT and there times when she was dreadful to be with. I ditched the guilt about it all a long time ago - there was nothing I could have done.

She was never widowed, and spent her last years in a care setting because of her severe dementia.

I think that my major worry is that now I'm getting older and am a widow I might start having some of my mother's traits.

I try very hard not to but the nicest of people can change as they become older.

My auntie who was mum's sil was the nicest, most considerate person you could ever wish to meet but when she was widowed in her seventies she gradually became very difficult indeed which was a huge shock to all concerned. (She didn't have a dementia.)

As I'm talking about my mum and my fraternal aunt these are the things that bother me.

I think that as I am aware of it I will probably keep on the rails so to speak.

My mother always used to say "blood will out" but I try not to let her words bother me now she's been gone for 11 years.

This is such a sad thread. Well, horrific really.

Gillybob you must promise yourself that you won't tell anyone when you next plan to go away. Radio silence is the key. They are pulling your strings aren't they?