Children at weddings, Yes or No?

Have them, please! We had them at the weddings of all three of my children. The little ones were delightful and added hugely to the joy of a family occasion.

Whose day is it anyway? Their wedding, their choice.

TBH, felice, I understand a bride wanting a babysitter for her kids, so she can just enjoy her wedding day. I'm sure baby got plenty of attention in those 2 weeks. And I wonder, was it about "attention" or babycare? I don't know your XSIL, of course, but generally speaking, I would understand a bride's wanting a childcare break for just that one day.

What I don't fully get is her turning to your mother/her then-BIL's wife's mom for help! But I suppose her own mother and BIL's were involved with the wedding.

Also, I don't get why XSIL didn't have DS1 stay for the meal. But perhaps he was getting restless? (Hard to know since you weren't there, I realize.) It sounds as if there was some miscommunication between XSIL and your mother about when he would arrive. Anyhow, I feel sorry for the poor little guy being sent back and forth - nobody wanted to be bothered with him!

It's not my business, I know, but I don't get why you didn't accompany your then-husband to the wedding. Just cuz XSIL ASKED your mother to watch her baby? Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me as if you just didn't/don't like this lady, in general, not just cuz of whether or not she had her kids at her wedding! (I realize you may have good reason to dislike her, of course.)

Meant to add that DS1 went to the Service, my Mother had been told he would be brought back to her house, we lived way up north and she had taken him down to attend.
Service was at 14.30, 16.00 a taxi arrived at her house with DS1 in it, alone, he had photos taken and was sent back.
It was lucky my Mother had stayed at home as she had expected his to come home after the meal.

When 2nd X Brother married, his fianceé was determined to be the complete centre of attention.
DS2 was born 2 weeks before the wedding, he was in hospital 'under the lights' for 10 days.
XSIL said she had telephoned my Mother to babysit for DS2, which we found a bit strange as my Mother was staying with us at the time and no telephone call was ever recieved.
No way would I let my Mother babysit for a new baby, breastfeeding would be a bit difficult!!!!
Also my Mother has never looked after a baby under 5 months old, age i was when adopted. She was horrified at the suggestion.
We did not go to the wedding, which really upset X and his brother.
All that upset and lies just because some of the attention would be on a very small baby and not her.
She was happy enough to have very cute DS1 as a page boy all togged up in a kilt etc. He was 7.

grannismith

Grannismith, my heart aches for you and the little girl you were who was so disappointed at not being invited to that wedding!

Were you younger than your sister and the other children who were included? Possibly there was an age cutoff? Surely, your parents must have explained?

"I cried and felt like dying."

Those are very strong feelings, especially for a child. I get that no one likes to feel left out, but why did it mean that much? You don't need to answer, but perhaps there was more going on here that just not being included in that wedding? I hope not, but maybe your parents/family tended to favor your sister? If so, I'm very sorry.

"I have always felt inferior to the kids who went to that wedding."

Again, it seems to me like there was more going on here than meets the eye. Maybe overall poor treatment/bad parenting by your mom and dad? Again, you don't have to answer, but I hope you are in counseling. You deserve to feel better about yourself and counseling may help. (((Hugs)))

Aside from possible disruption during a service, I do think it may often come down to money. I'm sure many people would like to invite children, but if there are a lot, it is going to bump up the cost considerably, or else mean fewer of the adults the couple would like to invite. Heaven knows weddings don't come cheap.

There were lots of children of all ages at a dd's wedding last year, but we were extremely lucky in having a lovely big venue to use for free, since it belongs to a generous relative. There was loads of space for children to run around in, and games equipment laid on, plus babysitters and a sleeping area for later. It was a lovely, relaxed and informal occasion, and we were also blessed with fine weather, which made the running around outside possible.

However, I hate to think of what the same would have cost if we'd had to pay for a similar venue with as many guests. I'm sure the whole thing would have been scaled down considerably. Should add that a number of dd's friends with young children did not bring them, although they could have, since they welcomed a break with a lie-in in the morning! Though of course not everybody will have anyone willing or able to babysit - far from it.

Hello NanSue, thanks for the great topic, albeit an upsetting one.

From a child's perspective, they are agonizingly disappointed if they are old enough to feel left out. And children have memories and can remember who these people are who choose to exclude. Also, there are the PHOTOS.

In the years to come those photos will cement the division which will always be felt that certain kids were at the wedding while others weren't.

I have always hated a framed photo of my parents at a wedding with my sister there as flower girl. I remember staying at home with a babysitter. I cried and felt like dying. A wedding should be inclusive and not about the costs. I have always felt inferior to the kids who went to that wedding.

If the costs are over the top then perhaps the parents or grandparents can help out. These days there is such a ridiculous show off kind of thing going on, about weddings that is stomach turning. Fine. If people are more concerned with the looks rather than how they make their guests feel (kids left at home) they will also justify keeping the kids out for any number of reasons, such as noise, naughty outbursts, etc. In this case they can hire a few babysitters and take the kids to a hotel room after the ceremony and dinner if they're too little.

I will never be close to those who included my sister but left me out. I wish all people who expect to exclude the kids should realize how cold and calculating this decision is, and how they should not ever EVER expect those same kids to want to have anything to do with them.

Of course it's upto the bride and groom, their choice. Personally I think weddings are more enjoyable without young children except perhaps the real closest family ones. Also, would any of us oldies relish going to a children's party, or indeed expect to be invited?

I wouldn't like my son to marry a girl who didn't want children at their wedding.
You could say no babies or toddlers at the service, but these weddings sometimes last all day and children running about and having a good time makes for a lovely relaxed atmosphere.
It also gives children a chance to be involved in a big family party and dress up and see everybody else dressed up. Actually part of family life.

My husband says 'that is a question that should not be asked!' We were excluded from a very good friends wedding as up north and no baby sitters - did not even consider going to her second wedding esp as attitude was good, we have space for somebody else!' . Our grandsons of 11 months have already been to several weddings - their daddies usually part of the Cedilah band playing for friends.

I think it is a pity if family children are excluded - to my mind a wedding is a family event and that is reflected in the different generations present, Children add to such an occasion. It often seems to be all about what the couple want to make the day 'perfect' and this often seems to include the idea of no 'interruptions' during the service / ceremony.
We are a 'churched' family and therefore relaxed about being in church services - churches often have a children's table at the back or side. I always went 'armed' with a little bag of things to do to keep mine happily occupied during any 'boring' bits of services. If it is a registry office, I would still take some 'quiet toys' for distraction purposes. At the reception, little touches like bubbles / colouring books go a long way. I would not see it as the bride and groom's responsibility to provide extras, but my DD had a reception in a marquee set in a large field and had the space to provide large games of jenga, snakes and ladders etc. which were well used.
If a child is upset to the point that they are disrupting, then parents should take them outside for a breather. In my experience, if children are talked to, included in sharing meals, given attention, rather than ignored, they are usually fine.

I agree with most of these comments about having children at a wedding. It is wonderful to have the family at a wedding, including the children. It can be a very warm and wonderful experience. But, I can understand why some couples don't want children there, it is their wedding and their decision. I have been to weddings where children have been an awful distraction, especially during the service. They have screamed and cried and screamed again for the whole service. I really think that it is up to the parents or someone in the family to take the child outside and settle them down. I think the guests must respect the importance of someone's wedding day and make sure that their children behave or take them outside.

suzied: Seriously? Has nobody told the syster to get over herself?

Family weddings are always a strange mix of people aren't they- most are total strangers with little cliques emerging. I think children always lighten the mood, especially when you consider so many couples already have children of their own. Personally I find the long drawn out photos, meals etc a bit of a pain, three hours is enough for me, not a whole day and evening.

It's wonderful to have children at weddings, very odd to say no children. They love dressing up and being part of a larger family and are almost always very well behaved in my experience. A wedding without children is like life without love.

DD1 is going to a wedding tomorrow- no kids. They will have to pay someone they trust to look after the children- but they totally respect the couple's wishes and say 'fair enough- their wedding - and if we don't want to spend the money on a sitter- then we could just turn down the invite.

Newquay she may be a step grandparent

No from me Weddings are seldom in child friendly locations andare long drawn out affairs where kids can easily get bored and up to mischief Where to draw the line is difficult too invite one invite all in my book and that is both expensive and intrusive Sometimes a kid free day is good for everyone

Reading all these posts make me quite pleased neither my DD or DS have got married, both have lovely partners and children but no weddings. We have some great extended family parties and it's all the generations together which we love

I know families who have fallen out permanently over this issue. Both my daughter invited all children in the family and all her friends children and it was a lovely occasion. It doesnt need to be expensive with playrooms, nannies, bouncy castles etc. they just put together a small bag of age appropriate toys for each child plus bubble mixture for all on tables at reception. The dancing was a Barn Dance and everyone joined in from 3 yr olds to 80 yr olds. There was a quiet room for babies and young children to sleep
In but hardly anyone used it.
My son didn't want a big do so they just invited parents and siblings with families (including children) - about 12 people in all. It was also a lovely occasion. We had an informal party for extended family the following week so everyone was happy.
I think to exclude children of near relatives causes a lot of upsets. Friends children are a different matter.

As I recall, there was one 2 year old & a 4 week old baby at our wedding 35 years ago. The majority of guests were older relatives & friends of my parents & of my husband's mother. In my dad's view, he was paying & he'd ask who HE wanted!! How different when my own 2 children were married! Although we contributed to both weddings,( substantially in our daughter's case - very traditional!) we had very little say in the guest lists, which suited us fine, it was their day & I remembered the lack of friends at my own wedding. At both, there were plenty of small children, which was lovely. I must say, however, to me a wedding day is primarily about the bride & groom and if, for whatever reason, they prefer not to invite children, then that is their prerogative.

I agree Penstemmon . I think that weddings are family affairs and the day is so much nicer if you have the whole family. They are sterile affairs if it is just all for show. However some people are more interested in the show and not the heart.
It is generally done by those who have no idea of the difficulties it causes for childcare.

To add to my previous post my brother's wedding was in a barn at her parents farm, no seating or even music we all stood around eating finger buffet and were expected to leave by 7pm. The brides immediate family and a couple of her parents friends then retired to the house for dinner.
No wonder they didn't want children there.