My daughter needs help

Houseseller I'm sorry but I have to disagree that another relationship would be good for your daughter. If anything then happened in a new relationship, she would be devastated again. What she needs is to get her confidence back, get to feel comfortable in her own skin and not have a man making her feel whole. What is it that makes her feel that being on her own makes her feel inadequate? To go into another relationship while seeking mental health advice/help is not good. Plus, to be honest, if it's just being with anyone, it doesn't say much for the man who she has just finished the relationship with. From what you say, as long as she is with someone, it doesn't matter who it is. This is not good for her either. There could be someone out there who will take advantage of her in the state she is in at the moment. She needs to get stronger, believe in herself, do for herself and learn how to live by herself. Maybe she could have a lodger? That would give her company but no commitment. Maybe she could do bed and breakfast if she has room in her home? Even one bedroom could be made into a B & B. She has to look at different options to having another relationship just yet and in time if it is meant to happen it will happen.

I have been single for 10 years now because I have been getting over my last relationship. I was with him for 5 years but it has really torn me apart since we finished. And I still wont go into something until I am ready and someone is worth it.

We are women, we are strong, we can do it ourselves. Please look at different options for your hurting daughter. Love to you and her and her daughters too. X

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Causes.aspx Maybe some help here too.

The idea of an on line search for a replacement man, by her daughters, is the last thing your daughter needs.
She is getting a high level of support from the mental health team, which suggests they are well aware of the level of need in her case.

She is fortunate to have such a loving family. I hope that you and your granddaughters can support each other, as well as your daughter here.

But clinical depression normally comes from nowhere and you don't necessary have or can find a reason for it, your daughters depression is through a 'happening' there is a very definite reason for her lowness You are incredibly lucky for her to be seen every day by the mental health team and they will obviously be keeping a very close eye on her and will get her sectioned if they fear she is getting worse

I m sorry to disagree but I think the thought of looking for another partner is the very last thing she needs in her life, she needs to be a whole lot stronger before embarking on men, who are complex creatures and could add huge potential issues to a life that isn't functioning properly .... Men don't save you nine times out of ten they complicate a life please don't be looking for men for her that would be for all the wrong reasons

I think it would be a really good idea ( if you haven't already) to talk over with the mental health nurse and take their advice as to the best way to help your girl

What you describe sounds like clinical depression which certainly won't be sorted by a new partner! www.mind.org.uk/information-support/ is a good place to start if you have not already done some research.

!!!

If, and again I am being very careful saying this, one of her daughters or you, started looking on online dating sites for her, and she "happened" to find out, is that worth pursuing?
She seems to have lost hope.

Obieon, she would improve tomorrow if a new man came along. Do you know any eligible ones with a few bob lol. No she has never been like this before.

Has she been admitted before? Do you think it would help her to be admitted?

I hope this post comes across right. If she had hope of another relationship, not now, but not too far in the future, do you think she would start to improve at all?

Thank you starbird, we have had professional help with doctor and the mental health services. There was an option of admitting her to an institution which she does not want. She is getting daily attention from the mental Heath unit which I can't fault.

From a little experience I have, I would just like to add that in a serious case of depression, feelings, even love for family, or a pet, can be deadened. Everything, including packing and making arrangements to visit you, cooking, making decisions etc can seem overwhelming. Seeing other people in couples (like you and your husband), can make you feel even more lonely, and a divorced person can compare themselves with widows/widowers, even if their loss is as a result of tragic circumstances, by thinking that at least their partner did not choose to leave them, but yours did. That is a deep hurt that can smoulder for a long time beyond normal grief at being left alone.

I would suggest that your daughter may need professional help starting with her GP, who may refer her - she may need to be admitted to an appropriate institution for a short while, and they would hopefully attange counselling and follow up care, although what with cuts and shortages in the NHS, she may not get the help she needs or when she needs it. You and your daughters can support her as much as you can, but ultimately the patient will have to want to move forward. If she has a religion, is there anybody there that might help? Sometimes it is easier to talk and take advice from an outsider.

Hi she has a pet dog which she is unable to take care off, he is with a dog minder at the moment. I am trying to get her up here with me but she is putting obstacles in the way. I have just found out she has very little food in the house at the moment. Her daughter has gone around to see her before she goes to work.

Anti-depressants can take up to 6-8weeks to work also if she is having relaxing meds they will make her very sleepy,can someone not stay with her or she go to stay with them for a few weeks,it is one step at a time in this situation,can she not take 2weeks off totally from her business and stay with someone for some respite,bombarding her wont help she needs calm and peace to come to terms with things,keep on with the meds .,take care of yourself too.

I would agree that working is probably the best thing if she enjoys it and can manage, this is because if she is feeling low about herself after the relationship ended her self esteem has likely suffered and at least her job will continue to make her feel positive about herself. If she isn't well enough to work then possibly telling her clients that she has health problems which requires her to take time out is a good idea. I don't know anything about her financial position but if she is unable to work because of her mental health she might claim ESA and possibly PIP. My suggestion would be that she contacts her local CAB for help with these claims.
It is difficult when a huge life change happens and it's often under estimated by others, loosing a partner (however) and a way of life or future dreams and security is traumatic and leads often to post traumatic stress disorder. This sounds very much what she is suffering from! PTSD is not just restricted to obvious triggers like car accidents, or injury but can be trigged by loss of a home or a friend or a relationship, basically any traumatic event.

Bearing in mind her loneliness, and touching on what Bluebelle said about having a purpose, would a pet help??

Do you think the relationship breakups might have been for the same reason?

I think there's something to be said for that article, and I also agree with ariana's observations.

Perhaps your daughter needs to find a therapy which involves building resilience.

Please look after yourself, though.

Sometimes, and I'm not saying your daughter is like this, but sometimes, people who have low self esteem can become overly invested in other people. In particular, men or women who are of a co-dependent personality type can get really depressed when a relationship fails.
Its about resilience I think - people with high self esteem have it; those without don't so much.
I mention this as perhaps, if this is the case with your daughter, looking at her self esteem issues may be the place to begin. Was there any trauma from her first break-up that could've filtered into this one? She needs someone to talk to desperately.

Hi, my daughters work is mainly in school term time so not much work has been cancelled. She has already been through divorce 4 years ago this is a second relationship, partner not husband.

BlueBelle, of course you can take the opposite view to me. I can see the positives in continuing to work but it sounds as though this much loved adult daughter is finding that impossible. She's lost a worrying amount of weight and is isolating herself. I'd be surprised if she isn't also cancelling or under performing in her work. Clients let down in this way will often talk to others about it, so her reputation will suffer, possibly more so than if she was able to explain that for health reasons she's taking x amount of time off.

www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/15/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart-take-two-aspirin-and-stop-talking/

No idea whether this is good advice or not.

If you google "how to get over a broken heart" there are some more ideas. Again, I have no idea whether they would work or not.

She has lost 3 stone in weight. Ideally yes, she would be working, but she is in too bad a way for that at the moment I would think.

Can I take an opposite view to Iam64 I personally think taking a break from work may be the worst thing as it will just give her more and more time to think, reflect, get maudlin and more depressed. Having something you HAVE to focus on like work can be a saviour and take your mind off your own problems even temporarily ..... counselling will be helpful also CBT but both would have long waiting lists unless private
Over Sleeping, lying in bed are the worst things, to much thinking time, has she any close friends or relatives other than you and the daughters, a day out, a bit of fun, some exercise are all great helps but not to do on your own she needs company
Could she be of any help to you with your partners health? she needs a new feeling of belonging, of being needed of being worthwhile Could you ask her for help even if you don't need it ? She needs a purpose as her purpose has gone and one of the quickest ways to get out of a rut is to have to think and worry about someone else
Just an idea

How worrying for you, especially as your husband is sick. Divorce hits the whole family and I feel for you.

I was in her position 6 years ago and it's heartbreaking. She is grieving for the loss of her marriage, the person she loves, the life she had and the future she thought was secure. Massive losses. It totally destroys your self-esteem. It's hard to get up some days and just get on with things. It's wonderful that she knows you love her and that's very important, as she needs that shield around her now.

As her job relies on her getting well again that is another factor which rates highly on the stress scales.

'Compassion fatigue' is common because people expect you to get over it. Unless you've experienced it yourself, it's difficult to understand why someone is so low. We're all different and recover at different rates. It will take as long as it takes.

I was lucky enough to get a counsellor who also worked with the bereaved and I think she helped me a lot because I had lost everything including my home and my job. I hope she finds a good therapist.

All you can do it to keep telling her you love her and perhaps help her with some of the practical and legal stuff. She knows she has a home with you should she need it. Be brave as she needs her Mum to be her rock right now.