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My daughter needs help

(41 Posts)
Houseseller Sat 27-Aug-16 13:39:35

Good afternoon to all, I wonder if anyone can help me deal with my daughter. She is 54 years old and over the past four months she has been dealing very badly with a broken relationship. She has hinted that life is not worth living which is worrying her 2 daughters and myself to distraction. She contacted the mental health help line who have been very good with her prescribing antidepressants and calming medication. She has her own business which if she doesn't improve will go down the pan together with her income. She sleeps most of the day and is not eating having lost 3 stone in weight. She has no interest in going outside of the house. Her daughters have taken time off work to see to her and I have had her stay with me. I am at my wits end seeing my beautiful daughter becoming a recluse. If anyone has experience on this subject I would welcome your comments. Thank you

Stansgran Sat 27-Aug-16 16:24:25

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I know very little about this sort of thing but I wonder if you could put it under another heading ie health you might find more knowledgeable people.

janeainsworth Sat 27-Aug-16 17:45:16

Houseseller what a nightmare for you.
I wonder if your DD has had counselling or talking therapy of any kind. It seems to me that antidepressants by themselves may make her temporarily feel a but better, but won't help her deal with the situation itself. Perhaps she needs help to deal with her grief and pain.
What a blessing though that you have your granddaughters to help you through this. flowers

tanith Sat 27-Aug-16 18:26:50

Maybe she should see her GP if she hasn't already and perhaps they might suggest some counselling just talking with someone not involved would help.

Houseseller Sat 27-Aug-16 18:26:55

Thank you, she has had counselling and visits to mental health most days but not helping. She is in complete crisis at the moment.

obieone Sat 27-Aug-16 18:31:55

Do you know what she misses most about the relationship?

janeainsworth Sat 27-Aug-16 18:45:17

Could you phone the Samaritans for advice yourself Houseseller?
About the best way for you and your GDs to help her?

Laine21 Sat 27-Aug-16 18:49:27

Could CBT therapy help, it's not counselling, but may give her the strategies to be able to deal with her emotions. I had CBT after an accident (trauma and depression) it's not an overnight 'cure' but I now have strategies that help me cope.

A breakup can be as bad emotionally as other traumas. I hope you as a family can get get help you all need xx

You may have to seek a private CBT therapist as NHS waiting lists for this are horrendous.

Houseseller Sat 27-Aug-16 18:50:45

I think the think she misses most is not having a partner anymore, loneliness is a big problem. She lives 3 hours drive from me so not easy. I am in my 70,s so driving around the M25 fills me with horror. I have offered to send a car to pick her up and bring her to my house but don't know if she will take me up on it.

obieone Sat 27-Aug-16 18:56:25

Can she do her business from your place at all? Does she live with her daughters?
As loneliness is a big problem, if she can stay a while with you, I would have thought that would help. And would help her to be awake more during the day, rather than the night. Even having her for 1 week, may start to get her out of the routine she is in now.

trisher Sat 27-Aug-16 18:57:15

Hi Houseseller, so sorry for you and your DD. Anti-depressants can take time to work so if she has just started taking them it may be a while before you see any change. Counseling may help but just having someone to talk to is equally valuable. Does she have a friend who will take her for coffee and just let her talk about anything, not just the break up. Exercise can help but she sounds to be in a bad place at the moment, but when she feels a bit better walking can help.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:00:12

I agree with Obieone. Get her to your house if at all possible. And then let her take her time. Rest is a great healer.

Iam64 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:20:34

It sounds as though your daughter has taken some positive steps, despite feeling as bad as she does. She is talking to the mental health team and I hope she's taking the medication they have prescribed. As has already been said, anti depressants can take 6 weeks, or longer, to being to help. Often people can feel a bit worse during the early weeks of medication. I hope your daughter can work through that, if it happens for her.
It's also positive that her own children and her mum are being to supportive. Would her staying with you, or you moving in to her home for a period of time help, do you think?
Wherever she is, the link to specialist services sounds essential.
She may benefit from some form of talking therapy in the not too distant future but often, what's needed is for the person to take their medication, talk with their loved ones and professionals involved. A combination of relaxation and gentle exercise will help.There are good CD's around she can play to help with relaxation to ease anxiety. As trisher said, walking can be therapeutic, as can swimming.
janeainsworth is right to suggest you find some support for yourself. Do try and look after yourself, its so hard to have this kind of worry about your adult children isn't it

Fairydoll2030 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:45:18

Would it be possible for one of your granddaughters to pick your daughter up and bring her to your house?

It sounds like she really needs someone with her. Being alone is not good for depression. You could reassure her that she can sleep as much as she wants but you would like to ensure she gets regular meals and is 'looked after.'

It may not be practical for you, but I think some immediate measures need to be taken until she feels better and is able to get counselling, take exercise etc.

Houseseller Sun 28-Aug-16 07:28:29

Thank you for all your comments. Her daughters lead busy lives but try to do their best, unfortunatly it's been going on so long now they are getting sympathy fatigue. My partner has been diagnosed with Cancer which involves months of hormone therapy and then radiation so I don't feel I can leave him to move in with my daughter. She can stay with me as long as she likes. Unfortunatley she teaches music so will lose her students if she doesn't soon get back into the world .

Iam64 Sun 28-Aug-16 07:33:01

Oh dear Houseller, you're in one of those places many of us will have been, with so much big stuff going on in life. I'm sorry to read about your partner and hope the treatment is effective.
I don't want to make unhelpful suggestions but, here goes. Would it be possible for your daughter to take a break from her work, tell her clients that she has health problems and has been advised to rest. I know getting any kind of incapacity benefit these days is a trial but her involvement with the mental health team may help with that. It sounds as though your daughter has been unable to work consistently, if at all so her clients may prefer to know she'll be unavailable for a period, rather than cancel at the last minute.
Do try not to lose sight of yourself in all this.

Ginny42 Sun 28-Aug-16 07:58:41

How worrying for you, especially as your husband is sick. Divorce hits the whole family and I feel for you.

I was in her position 6 years ago and it's heartbreaking. She is grieving for the loss of her marriage, the person she loves, the life she had and the future she thought was secure. Massive losses. It totally destroys your self-esteem. It's hard to get up some days and just get on with things. It's wonderful that she knows you love her and that's very important, as she needs that shield around her now.

As her job relies on her getting well again that is another factor which rates highly on the stress scales.

'Compassion fatigue' is common because people expect you to get over it. Unless you've experienced it yourself, it's difficult to understand why someone is so low. We're all different and recover at different rates. It will take as long as it takes.

I was lucky enough to get a counsellor who also worked with the bereaved and I think she helped me a lot because I had lost everything including my home and my job. I hope she finds a good therapist.

All you can do it to keep telling her you love her and perhaps help her with some of the practical and legal stuff. She knows she has a home with you should she need it. Be brave as she needs her Mum to be her rock right now. flowers

BlueBelle Sun 28-Aug-16 08:19:30

Can I take an opposite view to Iam64 I personally think taking a break from work may be the worst thing as it will just give her more and more time to think, reflect, get maudlin and more depressed. Having something you HAVE to focus on like work can be a saviour and take your mind off your own problems even temporarily ..... counselling will be helpful also CBT but both would have long waiting lists unless private
Over Sleeping, lying in bed are the worst things, to much thinking time, has she any close friends or relatives other than you and the daughters, a day out, a bit of fun, some exercise are all great helps but not to do on your own she needs company
Could she be of any help to you with your partners health? she needs a new feeling of belonging, of being needed of being worthwhile Could you ask her for help even if you don't need it ? She needs a purpose as her purpose has gone and one of the quickest ways to get out of a rut is to have to think and worry about someone else
Just an idea

obieone Sun 28-Aug-16 08:44:03

She has lost 3 stone in weight. Ideally yes, she would be working, but she is in too bad a way for that at the moment I would think.

obieone Sun 28-Aug-16 08:48:06

No idea whether this is good advice or not.

If you google "how to get over a broken heart" there are some more ideas. Again, I have no idea whether they would work or not.

Iam64 Sun 28-Aug-16 08:49:37

BlueBelle, of course you can take the opposite view to me. I can see the positives in continuing to work but it sounds as though this much loved adult daughter is finding that impossible. She's lost a worrying amount of weight and is isolating herself. I'd be surprised if she isn't also cancelling or under performing in her work. Clients let down in this way will often talk to others about it, so her reputation will suffer, possibly more so than if she was able to explain that for health reasons she's taking x amount of time off.

Houseseller Sun 28-Aug-16 09:17:06

Hi, my daughters work is mainly in school term time so not much work has been cancelled. She has already been through divorce 4 years ago this is a second relationship, partner not husband.

ariana6 Sun 28-Aug-16 10:18:41

Sometimes, and I'm not saying your daughter is like this, but sometimes, people who have low self esteem can become overly invested in other people. In particular, men or women who are of a co-dependent personality type can get really depressed when a relationship fails.
Its about resilience I think - people with high self esteem have it; those without don't so much.
I mention this as perhaps, if this is the case with your daughter, looking at her self esteem issues may be the place to begin. Was there any trauma from her first break-up that could've filtered into this one? She needs someone to talk to desperately.

gettingonabit Sun 28-Aug-16 10:46:17

I think there's something to be said for that article, and I also agree with ariana's observations.

Perhaps your daughter needs to find a therapy which involves building resilience.

Please look after yourself, though.

obieone Sun 28-Aug-16 11:06:13

Do you think the relationship breakups might have been for the same reason?