Grandad's upset us again

Lets hope the holiday provides a welcome break and a chance for your H to relax a bit and have a bit of a think. Bon voyage!

Thank you hermione23 - words of comfort help.

I don't think your husband should have said anything to your son in law, after all they are his children.Your husband should certainly not be bullying anyone let alone an eight year old boy.For heavens sake say something to him or you risk not being allowed to see your grandchildren at all. Good luck and have a lovely holiday.

H asked today if we were taking the children out for a meal on Saturday. I told him what had been said- that SIL didn't want us to after H's complaint to him. H insists he's in the right. (His main gripe was that last time GS had opened a cheap toy in the car with instructions not to. I removed toy from GS at the time and chastised him - then let the matter drop) . In answer to question above - SIL is rather harsh (in my opinion) with both C . I feel GS gets it from all directions and worry he'll rebel when he's older. Fortunately he has a fighting spirit and a loving nature. H won't back down and atmosphere is taut again! Feeling miserable despite forthcoming holiday. Hey ho ......

my DD had a wonderful Step-Grandad - they adored each other, he had never had children of his own. My DM was the disciplinarian in a kind way - my DD knew the boundaries but Step-Grandad was always the one who spoilt her, she misses him very much. My DF died before DD was born

For me your situation breaks down into a few sections. First, why does your H want to hurt you? I'm only guessing but my guess is he knew before he spoke there would be hurt and damage. So what does he really want to get out of the family dynamic? Next, did GD HAVE to say anything at that vey moment? I didn't detect any need for Immediacy, no danger to anyone. So what if he's frustrated, he's supposed to be the grown up and is able to tolerate frustration if he chooses to. If he Respects YOU and YOUR FAMILY may be he could run is opinion/thoughts by you first to see if you are in agreement with his assessment. If so form a stratergy to deal with things. If not may be he can think of a rason for HIS way is the ONLY RIGHT way? Seems to me you didn't agree that SIL needed to "Do" or "Say" anything to improve GS's behaviour. I want my children and GC's to be in my life to the end of my life and to that effect I will defend my right to those relationships respected. Seems to me that's all you want too. May be he needs it pointing out the damage he is causing and you can point out that once he has been made aware of that any future such actions on his part is a deliberate act of hurt and disrespect. But back to my first point, I'm guessing he knew you'd be hurt. Not acceptable from a partner. Good Luck

Lindill49 said "He's generally ok when we're with them although I do have to intervene to stop him shouting at & bullying GS. He's fine with GD (11)."

That must be upsetting for the boy. Shouting and bullying are not suitable ways for a GP to behave, even if a child is in need of discipline.

Naturally you would like your GCs to be able to visit you both at home but it looks like that is already a no-no because of your DH's behaviour which is upsetting your DGS. Why would you want to keep taking a child into that situation?

Don't apologise for voicing your concerns about the situation. The fact that you imply you are grateful for what you have with him, sounds as if you're trying to find excuses for him. You could end up either losing your family one day if not careful. If you're not prepared to leave you may have to consider only seeing them at their house. I know only too well when children are being inconsiderate with noise etc, however would DH find something else after this to chastise him about? If you normally get on well with your SIL, then I would find a way to avoid them meeting up or reflect on your own relationship with DH. Is it really what you want?

However, perhaps it is not all one-sided.
Someone of 70, who is not that used to children, a possibly noisy (and possibly disobedient? - won't wash his hands when told?) but normal little boy and a son-in-law who seems to take offence because the grandad spoke out of turn and reacts by saying you can't have them.
Put them all together and what do you get - an unhappy granny.

Is SIL pro-active with his son or does he sit back and let you entertain them when they visit? Is he lax about certain things and his son knows he can get away with anything?

@sara - I think OP said grandad was 70 - to me that's no age, who am well past it - but it was the OP's remark that she had noticed a change that made me wonder. If Jalima's suggestion is tried and fails, I would have no idea where to go from there except perhaps to observe and note any further deterioration... it's a horrid situation to find yourself in.

I wondered that too if his behaviour is changing..

DH does disappear when things get too rowdy, but in fact it is probably him that has made them riotous in the first place and me shouting at them all 'Calm down, dears'

I think he needs to be told that the DGS is just behaving like a normal boy, he is not to pass comment, to disappear elsewhere if he doesn't like it, but to meet your family for nice meals out, treats, trips etc without your OH.

Difficult one How old is grandad? Been in similar situation.Grandad had a go at me his daughter in law said I wasn't capable of looking after children
Caused a rift.Unfortunatly never healed and I would only visit grandma when he was out.

Getting a bit worried about husband generally - he seems to be losing social graces. Took his phone out whilst our (male) friend was in the middle of a story last week.

...and you say he cannot tolerate GS making noise with iPad? Although these inconsistencies perhaps tie in with him feeling the need to be in control of everything, you also say he seems to be losing social graces. When I read that, I found myself wondering whether such behaviour could be an indication of early dementia? As someone upthread said, I don't want to cause offence, so please ignore this post if you feel it's not relevant.

People change as they age. Mine has. Mind you, wouldn't part with the old bugger.

I don't think they do it on purpose! Probably just hope for the best then are disappointed. That's life.

I fail to understand why people choose incompatible partners and then wonder why things are going wrong with family life!!

I have the same problem with my OH. He comes across as so disapproving, and DD's get a little miffed. He wasn't like this as a dad. He has completely forgotten what it's like to be a child. Unfortunately, on the other hand, I think that children are very accustomed to receiving approval and positive feedback, and when they don't get it, they perhaps feel a variety of negative emotions such as - unsuccessful, inadequate, unloved etc. My eldest DGD, aged twelve, has always been praised and applauded for everything, including things that you would expect from them whatever, and now, she feels that she always has to be achieving, which puts pressure on her.

Sorry that should have read Grandson.

Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Tell him he is offending your family and it has to stop. Otherwise he can go out when they visit. The GD will grow up to dislike him.

This is not a one off.
Some people are just grumpy/totally self centred and I have known men who want their wife to themselves whether or not they are also mother and grandmother.
There are people who do not share. I know. My father was one. My mother would plead with us (myself and DH) to not confront him since when we had gone he would make her pay until he was satisfied and only then would life go back to his 'normal' where he would be in full control. She would not leave him. This will not get better.
They are both long gone and DH wishes, to this day, that he had dealt with that man as he deserved.

Lindall. ...the more you've opened up, the more revealing it would seem that your DH is giving your GS a hard time and is probably jealous of time given. Children can play up at times as we all know, but having gone through this kind of bullying when I was a child, I always err on the side of caution. Sadly I would take more note of GS and less of DH. I have seen this also happen within my own experience and perhaps tackling the subject of why he chooses to constantly have a go or bully him has to be discussed. I know there are lots of lovely caring grandads out there, but sadly due to my own experiences, it's put me off for life!

Yes I've posted before re his behaviour towards the GC. But of course I realise my problems are transitory and minute compared with others. Sometimes I feel I can't cope and just need a sounding board occasionally so that I can work out the best strategy with all your advice and reassurances. It's good to know I'm probably right in feeling hard done by.

Oh, I know very well what it entails j.

(Surprised my sofa survived for one thing! )

Same kind of situation for me. Husband had 2 daughters from a previous marriage, both of whom it seems had difficulties with his domineering, bossy manner as children (not talking about good manners here in bringing up children) They moved away from him years ago, and one hasn't spoken to him in 40 years. My son from a first marriage has a boy, whom my husband is alway at in some way or another, and has often made him cry. He dotes on the daughter though. This is not the proper behaviour to encourage, hurts children. Many men and specially elderly ones resent the time and love given to grandchildren (whether they are really grandchildren or step grandchildren - if that's the term) Jealous. I believe they should be told clearly this is unacceptable - by whoever!

I am wondering what just being a boy entails
(Being the grandmother of an 8 year old boy myself)