Trying to understand mil and dil relationship

Well I had the dil from hell and believe me I am very easy going and not a threat.

I got on well with my MIL and I have gone out of my way to get on with my DIL. Unfortunately, the DIL has always been jealous of me and an be quite nasty ; except when she wants my helpto babysit. I decided long ago to ignore it in order to have the chance of a good relationship with my grandchildren and to avoid putting my son in a difficult position.

I think the son has a lot to answer for here. If he has chosen you as a wife that's pretty much the end of it. He needs to explain to his mother the hurt she is causing and finish that conversation with "Mum, don't force me to make a choice, you may not like the decision". As a male I often think it's time some other males grew a pair of balls and made a stand in defence of their wives.

Why do these women make it so upsetting for themselves ? Mine was a horror - jealous of everyone and everything. Before we married I heard her tell her one and only friend how much she disliked me. Some examples of her spite - she knew I was saving for a particular trouser suit in a local little clothes chop - next time I saw her, she was wearing it !! We saved very hard for every stick of furniture for our newly bought house but she never remarked on it or complimented us but when we next visited there was a new Ercol top of the range dining suite as near to our cheaper one as possible.
On the very rare (really) occasions we asked her to babysit she always had to check with FIL in case they had an arrangement (they never went anywhere). When I had our daughter she visited us in hospital the next day and said "What a beautiful baby" turned to me and said "You HAVE surprised me" ! This went on for over thirty years and became worse when FIL died. It eventually came to a head and I didn't see her for the last five years of her life but always encouraged my husband to visit and take the children. It was all so sad because I had anticipated us being good friends, especially as my parents were much older.

I could of wrote this blog 39years ago when a s a young bride everything I did was wrong she is now 94 years old and totally dependent on me as her son who is still my lovely husband can't stand her over disparaging remarks and innuendos but of course now the three lovely grandsons don't. Is it only see at Christmas over the rows and her behaviour ove r the years, my mum is dying slowly in car home and I am going daily to see her she has Alzheimer's even now she is still trying to compete with this woman who literally has days/ weeks to live. She cant bear to be not in the limelight!!!! So good luck and put your foot down and enjoy your marriage she is the complete loser in this x

My mil the night before my wedding in front of me tries to convince my husband not to go though with it and go home with her, no one would care she said! Ermmm my husband sticks up for me and that really exasperated the situation that's when he told her to respect me or expect little involvement. It's so hard, I think if she gave me a chance we would get on well! I need to looking for this woman's approval and live my life. It's hard to swollen when the mother of the man you love doesn't think your good enough. I'm no angel but I have tried x

You won't change her. She is what she is. Don't criticise her in front of your children( I am sure you don't) they will see through her eventually. You live your life and let her get on with hers.

WhenIleft my my now ex husband I went to live with my mil , she was lovely and totally supportive not like my own mum! We are still friends and me and husband no. 2 visit, take her for lunch and even both get invited to family dos

I would not give this nasty vindictive woman the time of day. Just be polite if you meet her but do not bring yourself down to her level. You are worth more than that. Believe in yourself. Eventually your children will see her for what she is as well. It is amazing what children see and understand.

I wasn't very close to my DiL until my first grandchild was born, 7 months ago. Since then, we have really bonded. She is such a wonderful mother to my baby grandson, and I feel a direct link to her, through him. I feel so sorry to hear all these stories about Mils and DiLs who are at war with each other. It's not a good situation for the grandchildren or anyone else. It seems to be the MiLs who are often the cause of the disharmony, but being older and, hopefully wiser, they should surely be the peacemakers.

Chrishappy, excellent advice! A ploy I use with bullies and it works every time! They just can't be nasty in the face of apparent kindness and goodwill.

Dilineed: MiL might be a a bit confused at first, but stick at it.

But if all else fails, secretly record her nastiness and play it back to DH so that he appreciates how bad things are. After that, leave her to her own devices. She'll be the loser with a miserable heart.

Kindness doesn't work on everyone.

Sometimes the only thing to do is distance yourself from toxic in-laws for the sake of your own emotional health and for your relationship with your DH and children.

There are books available (Amazkn?) on how to deal with toxic in-laws, can't seem to do a link at the moment.

You are not going to change her if she is as bad as you say . My MIL was a witch - she never liked me or even her three grandsons - I was never going to be good enough for her only child!! She once told me before we were married that she didn't think he was the marrying kind!! Now that told me didn't it!!
She didn't like me or her grandchildren - just totally jealous of us all. She used to be horrible to me and the boys whenever we visited, saying nasty and sly things to us when my husband wasn't there - exactly the same as you.
Just get on with your lives - leave her be - you can't change her - don't let her break you up. Be strong - she will be the loser. I tried for years for my husbands sake but fi ally gave up , for my own sanity. She didn't want to see me or the boys but rang up to speak to her son for an hour every night at 9pm!! She ended up a lonely vindictive woman who only had herself to blame but I had my own loving and caring Mother to think about - so my husband went on his own to visit her. There was not one photo of me or our three sons / her grandsons in her house - just one of her, her husband and her son - very telling. Her carers thought my husband was a single man, as she never mentioned any of us. She didn't manage to break us up as she wanted. She is dead now and we have been married for nearly 43 years!! So sad when it could have been so different. My sons wives and partners hopefully will think differently about me - I offer to help babysit with my grandsons and will travel to them if necessary when needed but my experience with my MIL makes me conscious of not impinging on their lives too much.

So met up with her, was very awkward.

She told me that she doesn't hate me, she thinks I'm a nice person but she doesn't believe my intentions. My husband was engaged before he met me and his ex fiancé cheated on him for some time, my husband tried to kill himself (this I knew). She said that she just can't believe that I'm not going to hurt him. All I could do was to reassure her that I love him endlessly and there's no one else I could ever want. She said she'll probably never fully trust anyone with her sons heart.

After we had this chat it all became very false, like it was all sorted but there was tension. Wether it was because I called her out on her behaviour and treatment I don't know. She wants her son all to herself I think and I doubt I'll ever break past that.

Will be getting on with my life with or without her, balls in her court now

Well done Dil. At least you have made the effort and can stand proud! As you say, the ball's in her court and let's hope she does the right thing by you, your children and her son. Her loss if she doesn't. She will be a very lonely, sad woman if not. [flowers[

Anyway my question- how on earth do I get her to see I'm not a threat?

You don't, you can't, but she isn't your problem, your OH is, where the hell is he when she's saying all this stuff about you? Would you let one of your relatives treat him the way he's letting her treat you?

It all rings true. I've been through all that but in my case she lost her son. She's been dead now for some years so I have got it all behind me.

We were three friends and all had MIL stories and and one told us. She was due to arrive at her MIL's town for a visit and got on the train in a carriage near the end. As she got off the train her MIL told her off and said she should have been at the engine end of the train. That's where sensible people sit.
That was the point my friend gave up and this point is so important - if its not working then give up, you will never alter those hostile feelings. In my case I tried for too many years and it was a waste of time till in the end DD2 told me to stop trying to please her and I did.

Here's my armchair psychology:

A break-up can be a trigger for suicide.. but there must be underlying mental health problems there in order for someone to have such an extreme reaction to a break up.

Your MIL seems very keen to deflect your OHs mental health problems to women who are incomming into the family.. maybe she is desperate not to look closer to home and always have an outside source/scapegoat - which is what she's setting you up as incase there are any further mental health crisis

Margaret is so right. If it isn't working, give up now. I spent more than 30 years going out of my way to be dutiful and accommodating to my mil, but she never once said anything nice to me or to her grandchildren. I so regret the effort I wasted, and given my time again would call a halt far sooner.

Notanan you have literally hit the nail on the head here.

my husband suffers with Tourette's syndrome which has massively affected his life. He's an inspiration to me they was he goes through life with it. My mil ignored it so so much as a child, if if it doesn't glitter she ignores. Before we got engaged, with my help we see a neurologist and got a diagnosis for his ticks, he hadn't seen a anyone from a kid, I also supported him through coucelling and therapy for the pain of growing up with Tourette's with zero support. It was a case of ignore it, it will go away. Well it hasn't and it won't so he needed help accepting this. We've got a long way to go but he's mental health is much better. It must've guilt and the fact I have probably acted like more like a mother that her in this (obviously I have never held this against her, I'm sure her own guilt is enough)

I think im the scale goat. I have helped him change his life,she realised she could have done better for her son.

And he doesn't tolerate it, she starts on me in private, at first he didn't stick up for me and it almost broke us up, he's great now

Dill need, I really think you are a great person. Your husband had lots of problems and you love him so much you have helped him deal with them and what's more made him happy. You both love each other and I would hate to think that you would let his mil cause you any more problems. You went to see her and have done all you can. You must see that the problems is her! If she thinks she will come between you, well she won't. She should be so glad he has found you. Just enjoy your family, you have tried and you are willing for him to continue to see his mother, if she carries on like she is, in time she will lose him. I adore my dil, but rarely see her, my son rings me regularly and when we do get together as a family she is warm and always says she has missed me. I had to accept a long time ago that her family would always come first, her own mother and sisters and are so close. She is a great wife and mother and my son would be lost without her and as a mother our children's happiness and well being is what matters. Good luck. ?
her and really that is what matters to me in the end.

Dill weed, don't know what happened to that end bit, but hope you got the gist of it.

I've tried with all the experience that nearly 70 years brings but I can't make my dil like me. I've given up now and just try to accept it. The mil, dil relationship is a difficult one and this came home to me when my first child was born.

My mum was a difficult, critical, demanding woman and my mil was much nicer, but guess who I wanted around me when my babies were born - mum.