Asperger grandson not invited to party

starbird, I may have misunderstood your post but my impression is that you aren't as well informed about the issues surround asbergers andASD generally as many of the people who have contributed here.
My grandson is what is referred to as high functioning ASD, he may have asbergers but whatever the diagnosis he is definitely on the spectrum. To say that other children may be scared of children like the OP's grandson, my grandson and so many of the other children mentioned here seems to me to be missing the point. I don't want to appear to be having a go at your but honestly, it's much more likely that ASD children are bullied and fear other children than the other way round.
The party does not involve MacDonalds, its an Xbox bus.
I wonder if you are confusing ASD with Turrets syndrome, that's the syndrome where people swear. My grandson is now a young adult, and is increasingly aware that one of his social issues is that if he meets someone who will talk with him, he tends to go on about one of his 'areas of special interest'. He is so much more self aware that he said to me recently "whoops gran, I'm being boring aren't I' as he described the plot of his latest Sci Fi Novel. At 6 or 7 he didn't have a diagnosis and was unmercifully bullied at school. I could go on but I'll stop there because I'm sure you meant no harm starbird and my defence of my grandson and so many other (mainly) boys I met through work over the years is spilling over.

Hi Red I think you are completely right to feel angry, there is nothing worse than someone hurting one of your loved ones. A similar thing happened to one of my sons when he was about 5, he was not invited to the party of one of his group of friends when all the others were, no explanation was offered, we did something special to make up for his upset. On our return home I was stunned when the birthday child appeared at the door sent by the mother bringing my Son a piece of birthday cake. I thanked the child then that evening after my Son had gone to bed wrote a note to the mum telling her exactly what I thought of her and put it through her letterbox accompanied by the cake. The boys remained friends and we invited the child to my son's birthday parties after this,children do get over these things quickly the mum never spoke to me again though which was a bonus. Whether I was wrong or right to do this, It felt good to have my say, I could not have spoken to her face to face and remained calm.

Why not come up with something better for him to do on that day?

It is hard to make comments when you don't know all th facts. One possibility - just a guess - is that the boy and/or his mother want to have more friends to the party but the other childrens parents have said they don't want your GS there - the other children, if they do not know him well, may find him a bit scary, or be shy of him. Or does he use swear words as some aspergers do? Maybe the party will involve going out to a Macdonald's or somewhere and the party boys mother does not want your GS to let them down, or she may genuinely feel that he will not be happy.
This is a test for your GS and his friend, their relationship may have run its course, or it may survive. Unfortunately this is life and we have to be the loving supports that pick up the pieces and make sure that these children know that they are loved and are loveable.

That's such a shame especially as he is good friends with the boy but if he's not worried then it's ok. I think the Mother was totally unfair but your daughter knows this and I am sure she will arrange something for your grandson and his friend to do together if she can .

My DS, I am sure, has some form of autism. After seeing him for five minutes, the professionals decided not. But when I live with him, I do think so. He wasn't invited to parties, he didn't have parties. The only one he had was when he was about 6 or 7 and he ended up upset upstairs because he found it difficult to mix with people. He has only just found mates, he says, that he feels "at home" with and now is worried that he won't find the same at university. I do try to reassure him but he will still worry. It is awful when you feel like that, I did when I was a child somewhat. He has to work very hard at making friends although he is very loyal and trustworthy when he is a friend.

My ED, on the other hand, had the whole class to parties and was invited all the time to parties. It's just different personalities and sometimes, being easy to make friends can be as bad. It can be a shallow friendship, because they are easy come, easy go. But my DS cherishes his friends now, and works hard to keep them.

red Maybe if this is what the mother is teaching her son, then your DGS would be advised to find others, as well as this boy, to play with at school. Maybe not put all his eggs in one basket and widen his net a bit to others who would appreciate and care for him for who he is. Maybe his mum can have a word with his teacher and help him to make other friends, sit next to new people, broaden himself a bit. He will need to learn how to deal with this as he gets older, so this is a life lesson, unfortunately, very sad. If someone was being nasty to us, as adults, then we would move on, cut our loses. I'm not saying not to play with him, just have him play with more people too so that he has more choice and therefore less hurt in the future. Just a thought. Keep your chin up.

My grandson has a few friends because his dad and a friend set up a football team for the boys who would never be asked to play in the school team. Some of them have ADHD and other problems. They play in a league and lose most games, but enjoy it.
They invite each other to parties, and have days out ten pin bowling as a reward for playing as a team.
They have been doing this for five years now. They even have a couple of players who are in the school teams, but they enjoy playing with this team.
I know not all boys enjoy football, but it's possible to start another club, go running or cycling with a few friends.

My 9 year old grandson was at a party last weekend. It was very noisy but he wore ear defenders and spent most of the party with the mother of the birthday girl. His friends all know what he's like so no body minded.

Grandson.

Doesn't make any difference what you think of the mum redf. The advice on here is still sound. Just try to handle it in such a way that your son doesn't get hurt, and the boys' friendship continues.

You say you understand the mother's reasons for not inviting your boy to the party. But you obviously dislike this woman for other reasons you don't disclose. So the mother is actually being reasonable in not inviting him to the party ( he may spoil it for her son - it's his birthday after all). She wants to limit the numbers ( so best not invite a child who won't like all the noisy chaos that goes with 7 year old boys at a party). So don't make a big issue of it. There will be other challenges along the way.

My dear only GS hates parties. His Mum insists he goes when invited. She always stays (to give a hand) because she knows the minute he's eaten he wants to go home. He's not aspergers or any thing-just doesn't like parties or being scociable (a bit like his Dad, our dear SIL)
We're all different aren't we? and we can't make the world perfect for our offspring sadly.

It's very hurtful when your own child is excluded, but remember it is the birthday boy's MOTHER who is doing it and not the child himself. Don't let it affect their friendship

He may not have enjoyed it.

He will not understand the outrage............do something else. Such is life I am afraid and who wants to go somewhere on sufferance because people are afraid of causing offence. Karma will kick her in the pants, wait and see.

lilihu; good post. After my most recent spat with DD I have agonised about whether my inability to forgive and forget and to chew over most of lifes problems ad infinitum have rubbed off on her. If I could go back in time I may have adopted more of a 'these things happen; we just have to get on with it' approach'.

My grandson is also considered to be on the autistic spectrum and receives no party invitations. Even worse when he attended scouts and judo he was bullied and excluded by the children and even if he goes to the park he won't stay long as children talk about him and laugh. He is a normal looking boy and even thou his social skills are improving her is labelled. . He has one good friend who isn't at his school In school he ia usually marginalised and been bullied on the bus.

He left his 1st school and went to a Church of England 1st school and they were so much kinder, now he has moved up to a middle school and many of the children from the school he left have joined that school.

If you watched the BBC programme The A word you may remember in the first episode the little boy was excluded from a birthday party despite the family having given a big party for him. That is exactly what happened to him.

His mother says it would be OK if they just left him alone as now at 11 he prefers to be on his own. What a childhood. They live in a nice middle class area.

He has just been given a puppy and I am so happy to see him laugh and play with the puppy as I haven't seen him so relaxed and happy for many years.

My 'job' as the grandmother of a child with ASD is to love him and accept him and appreciate the many fine qualities he does have red. I might also help him develop the skills he needs to negotiate his way through a world which will never understand him.

I don't need to take up cudgels on his behalf, though I really understand your anger at how he will feel, as you obviously love him dearly. Can you perhaps direct your love and talents into defusing his hurt instead (((hugs))))

Have you actually told your GS that he is not invited ? or has the other child said so ? If he is not aware he has not been asked, perhaps you and your daughter could find out if there is anything on locally which he would enjoy, book it up without him knowing, then, once he realises, if he does, that he has not received an invite, you can say Oh, we clean forgot that date ....we booked a secret surprise trip to .........for all of us on that date .....Perhaps we could get a nice card and/or not/ a little gift for your friend, and say sorry ...I am sure he will miss you as you won't be there ....

If he already knows and realises he has not been invited, that is more difficult....he could ask his little friend why he was not invited, if he usually has been, and see what his mum says to the question ! She can hardly tell her son to tell your GS he would find it difficult...

If he realises, and is upset tell him that instead of buying a pressie for his friend, he can spend the money on something he would like for himself !

Aw redf, there is no fault , it's tough and it hurts , life does hurt at times because at times it's unfair

First of all this mum is not a very nice person.She won't be excluding my gs out of any kindness to him. She is a prolific liar to the point of embarrassment.
She is worried that Sam will have meltdown and spoil party for her son, I get that.She is also worried that she will have spent money on Sam place at the party when he may leave after 5 mins , I get that.
I suppose I'm saying here that Sam will be hurt and wonder why no invite.
It's not his fault and it's not her fault.It's just tough.

redf8235 My immediate thought on reading your OP was that the mum was being considerate about your Sam possibly not enjoying the party. If the boys have been friends for 3 years she will have got to know how he copes with certain occasions. It could be that Sam is fine one-to-one with the boy but his mum may feel the noise and excitement of a group of children may be too much for him. I know it would be for my 7yo DGS.

Please do not challenge the boy's mum about this and do not talk about your anger in front of your DGS, who will have to cope alone with such situations as he grows older. As others have said it might be the birthday boy who doesn't want Sam at his party and the mother was trying to make the decision easier to accept.

Whatever the reason it's her house, her rules

I agree with those that say no more big parties after about 7yrs - too chaotic and too expensive - we cut down to treats with a couple of friends - it always hurts when your child is excluded but life is sometimes tough and we cant always protect them. Last night my tiny just 4yrs old DGD said she was 'rugby tackled' by another child in the playground and there were no teachers there to intervene. This is only her second week at school. I am furious, but my DD is sanguine. She has mentioned it to the teacher,naming no names and not saying there was no teacher present - she will keep an eye on the situation but I would have gone off the deep end but as my DD says, she will have to learn to understand that not everyone is nice - its life.

Jinglebells I m interested in what you think is the Mums reasons that you say you see her point of view about?

I agree Greyduster. So sad though. My son (now 35) has Aspergers and still struggles with work/life.

It's best if you keep quiet until an appropriate opportunity arises to mention it.Very hard to keep quiet I know as I always take the bull by the horns so to speak hopefully your grandson might not be bothered .I I do hope your daughter had her say to the boys mother.