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Asperger grandson not invited to party

(132 Posts)
redf8235 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:05:18

My 7year old grandson has been friends with another boy for about 3years they have always gone to each others birthday parties. This year the mother of the other little boy has said to my daughter that Sam my grandson wasn't invited because he wouldn't enjoy party and she had to limit numbers.Sam has aspergers he is verbal and bright, he will be hurt by non invitation.I'm very angry with the mum and badly want to say something but my daughter doesn't want me I can't get this unkind behaviour out of my mind , should I keep quiet ?

Anniebach Tue 13-Sep-16 19:08:36

How difficult, I think you should respect your daughters wishes

Greyduster Tue 13-Sep-16 19:29:47

I'm not surprised you are angry, but I'm afraid you don't have any choice but to respect your daughter's wishes. I am very sad for your grandson and for you and your daughter. Perhaps give him a special treat on the day of the party to take the edge off his disappointment? We all feel our little ones' pain - they are cut, we bleed!

BlueBelle Tue 13-Sep-16 19:33:26

Gosh how wicked what an awful woman as the others have said you can't really say anything, poor little chap has he got another friend ? you or his mum could take them out for a treat on that day instead

Maggiemaybe Tue 13-Sep-16 19:47:21

Oh no, poor him, poor you. But I have to agree, it's probably best that you don't wade in (though I would be biting my tongue so hard....angry). Perhaps she genuinely has had to limit numbers this time, and there are other children who haven't made the cut this time. Let's hope so.

Maggiemaybe Tue 13-Sep-16 19:48:07

Too many this times there...must remember to preview before posting.

redf8235 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:49:59

Thanks we will do something special on that day.
It won't be the last time he gets pushed out, some hard lessons for us all to learn.

Jane10 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:02:42

When I was doing my study of women with AS one of them told me that had happened to her. Her mum complained and she was then asked but had a miserable time as she knew she wasn't wanted. The whole class had been invited but not her. In retrospect she wasn't bothered and actually spent a lot of time on her own as she much preferred it to the forced noisy socialising at a party. I can quite understand how you feel though.

redf8235 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:15:06

He generally doesn't like parties but he does like this little boy they are close. He will be hurt and confused at the lack of invite.

cornergran Tue 13-Sep-16 20:23:16

I imagine the birthday boy will also be confused as they get on well. Maybe you could arrange something for them to do together so they both feel better?

redf8235 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:28:06

Cornergran the mum will have told her son that Sam wouldn't want to come.
There would have to an amount of contact with the mum for them to do anything together and that's not going to happen.
Nice idea though

Crafting Tue 13-Sep-16 20:28:21

Oh how we hurt when they hurt. I agree, how about inviting his friend out with your GS for a special treat together.

redf8235 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:31:07

My daughter and I are too angry to think about arranging anything like that.
We will help Sam through the bad time ourselves.

Greenfinch Tue 13-Sep-16 20:39:37

I am so sorry to read about your problem and know exactly how you feel.My nine year old autistic grandson never gets invited to parties.The situation is made worse by the fact that his twin sister gets invited to loads.This weekend she is going to a sleepover and he was distraught when he found out.His parents will take him swimming but it won't make up for it.He loves being with other children but is young for his age and a little boisterous.I can't understand these mums.My daughter goes out of her way to invite children with special needs as well as the others. There is no answer until society becomes more tolerant of those who are slightly different.

Linsco56 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:42:57

What a hurtful and unfeeling thing to do to a child. Shame on her!

I hope Sam enjoys the day with you and his mum.

NanaandGrampy Tue 13-Sep-16 20:43:23

I get why you're angry on your grandsons behalf red but we are talking about 2 little boys who have been friends a long while.

Be the better person and arrange a treat for both boys, it will sooth your grandsons hurt feelings a little and keep their friendship intact.

After all this is all about the adults, the boys are collateral damage.

Crafting Tue 13-Sep-16 20:52:57

greenfinch Are there any autistic group activities or meet ups anywhere near where your DGS can meet other children and get to know them? My DGC who has ASD has made friends with some in this way. Does he get on with his twin? Perhaps you could have DGS over for a sleepover with you or they could both camp out in the garden. I feel for you all. Being left out is so sad for young ones. Things may get better as they get older as they have for my DGC.

Jalima Tue 13-Sep-16 20:57:47

hmm I don't think she put it very well.

However, by the age of 7 or 8 I have found they are usually cutting down the numbers for birthday parties, especially if they go out for a treat such as the cinema, bowling etc. It can get very expensive, however she could have been more tactful.

annodomini Tue 13-Sep-16 21:21:29

The racket made by my DS2's friends at his 7th birthday party made me decide that there would be no more parties. I imagine that the rowdiness of all those children would be a complete turn-off for your GS but the other boy's mum was downright tactless and offensive.

BlueBelle Tue 13-Sep-16 22:33:06

I don't excuse that mum at all if she had an ounce of feeling she would have invited him I don't buy the numbers either, blimey 7 years old is the height of parties and it's only a couple of hours to put up with any rowdiness, anyway if you keep them busy with games they won't be rowdy Shame on her

Jalima Tue 13-Sep-16 22:57:58

Most of the ones I know are cutting it down to taking out one, two or three friends to the cinema, bowling, a meal etc by the age of 7 or 8.
Does anyone put on rowdy parties at home any more? Especially working mums?

Greenfinch Tue 13-Sep-16 23:06:08

Thanks for your comments Crafting.There is one club/group for autistic children quite a few miles from us/them but it has a three year waiting list !There are other activities but the whole family and siblings grow so the children do not really interact with each other.He does get on very well in the main with his twin but not always with her friends !He is very friendly and lovable so I am hoping things will turn out well for him. My DH often invites friends round for him but they generally don't reciprocate.

Anniebach Tue 13-Sep-16 23:31:20

There are two sides to this, the mother may have decided to reduce the number of children invited and do we have a right to think our grandchild should not be included in the list of those not invited, I am sure the other children who are not invited will feel upset too. The grandson has to learn there are disappointments in life , all children do .

I hope you find a way to make it a happy day for the little chap,

BlueBelle Wed 14-Sep-16 06:29:53

Come on, if he has always been invited before and the other chap has come to his parties then it's not about cutting down numbers it's about exclusion if it's about cutting down on numbers then she would have just had a couple of kids over for a treat and not held a 'party' it s very obviously an excuse because for whatever reason she didn't want him at the party and that's cruel

I m sure he will have a LOT of opportunities to learn about disappointments over the years without this mother helping

Indeed the mother said the real reason when she said 'he won't enjoy the party' she had obviously decided it was too much trouble for her to have a 'different' chap at her party if she really believed that he wouldn't be comfortable she would have talked it over with the mum and said something like ' do you think Sam would enjoy coming to Henry's birthday party or would he be happier to come to tea on another day with just the two of them ' that would have been so much kinder

redf8235 Wed 14-Sep-16 06:39:41

Bluebelle thank you.
It's not about numbers 12 have been invited.
There is a group of 4 boys who play together at school each day, 3 are going 1 is not.
She has hired an Xbox party which is a special bus that parks on your drive the children presumably play Xbox games in it.
Sam is very computer savvy and most likely would have been ok.
His mother would have been there anyway.
Oh well you can't win 'em all.