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should we be teaching our grandchildren manners

(91 Posts)
etheltbags1 Thu 06-Oct-16 09:20:05

Last week I dropped DGD off at the other grans and she knocked at the door, gran A opened the door and said she doesnt need to knock as she could just walk in. I explained that my DD is teaching her manners. She then said her son never knocked on anyones door and no one knocks on her door. I was horrified.
DD tells me that gran A tells DGD not to say thank you to grandparents because they are family. SIL says he never said thank you to anyone.
I am shocked because although I was brought up with very little in the way of material advantages, I was taught manners. I do think that DGD should knock on anyones door, if she walked in they might be undressed or worse. I told SIL that I was taught to knock then wait to be asked in then wait to asked to be seated then wait to be asked to take my coat off. He has never heard of this.
I think this is about respect for others. Am I being old fashioned.

Luckygirl Thu 06-Oct-16 09:24:30

My DGC are aware that each home they visit has their own rules - they stick with mine here (lots of please and thank you) and I do not enquire what happens elsewhere - it is not my business.

etheltbags1 Thu 06-Oct-16 09:31:16

luckygirl I think that your post is a bit "head in the sand".
Manners should be shown everywhere and its too hard for small children to think certain rules for one house and other rules for another house. This is too confusing for a 3 year old to understand. The other day she had a tantrum because I made her wash her hands before her lunch and she said the other gran doesnt make her wash her hands. So confusing basic rules and manners should be universal.

whitewave Thu 06-Oct-16 09:36:02

Basics should be taught by parents. Grandparents should keep out of it what ever they think. Of course to an extent -your house your rules. But really you are flogging a dead horse as the greatest influence will and should be Mum and Dad

BBbevan Thu 06-Oct-16 09:39:23

I think every child should be taught good manners. When they are out in the big ,wide world , they may be judged on them. I often notice the way people hold their cutlery. But I would not mention it as that would be bad manners.

Anniebach Thu 06-Oct-16 09:43:23

I am trying to imagine my three grandchildren waiting for me to ask them to be seated , my home is their home .

gillybob Thu 06-Oct-16 09:50:22

Have to agree with you Anniebach My three burst through the door and dive bomb onto my sofa!

Mind you, I think children follow by example (not that I dive bomb onto anyone's sofa these days. But they always say please and thank you and DGS's (6) latest favourite, "your'e welcome".

They always take their outdoor shoes off as soon as they come in the door as they know there are no shoes allowed in grandmas house.

TriciaF Thu 06-Oct-16 09:54:13

Anyone remember 'Can I leave the table?'
I can't imagine children asking that now, but perhaps they should?

Stansgran Thu 06-Oct-16 09:54:22

I'm a bit mixed over this. Yes to washing hands before meals until they're old enough for me to assume they keep their fingers out of their noses etc. Yes to knocking on bedroom and bathroom doors. At the moment I'm trying to stop feet on seats only bottomsgrin with small DGS

Cherrytree59 Thu 06-Oct-16 10:05:57

ethel'I agree with you that manners are important and should be taught a young age.
My DS1 has been having speech therapy (he is doing very well!)
On a visit from the speech therapist my daughter told my DGS to say 'please' (he says 'peese) when he pointed to a toy that the SP was holding and he wanted to play with
The speech therapist said there was no need to worry about manners at the moment.
My DD said without thinking
'What will your gran say!
My DGS said 'Peese'.

I'm very hot on Manners
I was brought with 'Manners maketh the Man'
One of my first books as I child was a simple book with pictures of animals.
it had a giraffe on the front and the title was Manners!
I have raised my children to use manners and when I'm looking after my DGC insist on manners.
1st word mumma
2nd word dadda
3rd word Ta.
Manners is about respect for others and their property.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Oct-16 10:09:04

I think you have to be flexible, because your rules are tight you can't expect everyone to be the same Children do remember very easily what happens at each place They may go to a restaurant that has lots of knives and forks to work their way round they may go to a cafe that doesn't even have a menu they adjust so much easier than adults
You really can't expect your grandkids to wait to be told to sit down then wait to be told to take their coats off that really is from another era, and as you asked if it's old fashioned, yes it really is, I was taught to never wash my hair when I had a period it's laughable now
If you want your grandkids to act like that in your house that is totally up to you but you really must allow the kids to act as the other Nsn wants in her house
I have to say I have given my young teen grandkids a key to my house and they still ring the bell haha but they do flop in, legs everywhere, and make themselves totally at home. I don't expect them to ask for drinks or biscuits although they always do but I d be perfectly happy for them to treat my house as if it was their own home and get their own

Cherrytree59 Thu 06-Oct-16 10:09:42

This morning my manners good typing not so good. Apologies

crazygranmda Thu 06-Oct-16 10:10:59

I'm with Anniebach on this one. Our house is simply an extension of their own home, which is what we wanted it to be. Shoes come off on arrival, coats are hung up and please and thank you are expected and received, as they would be in their own home (fortunately). I think the old adage, "Children should be seen and not heard" no longer applies and for the most part I think that's a good thing.

annifrance Thu 06-Oct-16 10:15:44

The world has moved on so some of the 'rules' we abided by have gone out the window and probably a good thing. However with my DGCs I am firm about some basic rules, I don't expect them to knock on my door or wait to be asked to be seated, but I do encourage them to knock on other people's doors and wait to be asked in, please and thank you essential, washing hands before meals, 'bon appetit' before starting to eat, asking to leave the table. just to sweeten the pill I often jokingly say 'when the millionaire asks you out to dinner' or 'when you take a millionaires daughter out to dinner'. Gets giggles or how will I meet a millionaire, but the message gets home.

GranVee Thu 06-Oct-16 10:21:55

I'm with Cherrytree59 on this. Thankfully my family all agree with me. In fact I have just picked my 5 year old granddaughter up for not saying thank you to someone. I agree with the saying "manners make the man/woman".

Seizetheafternoon Thu 06-Oct-16 10:22:41

Anyone remember 'Can I leave the table?'

I was at a friend's house on Tues for lunch. Her 10 year old twin nieces were there and they asked if they could leave the table! Was gobsmacked!

I agree basic standards when it comes to manners seem to be dwindling. OK if other grandma is ok with GC (or anybody) just walking in to her house, well that fine, but when it comes to saying please/thanks, somehow I think that should be an unwritten rule that applies everywhere you go if you are given something or ask for something. DGD is just 1 but whenever she gives me something I say "Ta", so she knows I'm thankful for the grotty bit of half chewed cardboard that she has lovingly presented me with. just to start reinforcing the please/thanks thing.

goldengirl Thu 06-Oct-16 10:23:31

My house too is an extension of home for one set of GC as they're here so often but I still insist on please and thank you as do their parents. I'm not fussed about shoes off - DH doesn't bother and nor do I so why should they? The other set of GC are more restrained and tend to ask for things rather than help themselves which is no bad thing - but they soon settle in which is lovely. I think manners are important and shows respect for others.

DorisD Thu 06-Oct-16 10:24:21

My grown up married sons still ask if they can leave the table when they come for a meal.
But grandchildren, that is another matter!!

Anniebach Thu 06-Oct-16 10:24:33

Surely good manners are handed down in families? I was taught by my parents, not my grandfather, I taught my daughters, and my grandchildren learned from their parents .

please, thank you, may I? comes naturally

Rosina Thu 06-Oct-16 10:25:57

This family are lining up a whole load of trouble for the children. If they ignore all the basic rules of manners they will be the ones who will suffer for it. Good manners are free - and they set a person apart from the boorish. I read recently that when Nigella Lawson is making her cookery programmes the film crew will do anything for her because evidently her manners are flawless, she treats everyone with respect and is polite to all. So, it's not just a case of feeling you should say the right thing; probably good manners will also open many doors for you, and as long as you remember to say 'thank you' to whoever does it, you can't go wrong!
I don't see that rushing into my house and throwing themselves on a sofa is anything other than typical small person behaviour - my three GC do that because they are full of fun, pleased to be here, and my home is their home too, to quote Anniebach. I would however not be pleased if they continually butted in while any one was speaking, snatched and grabbed, pushed others aside to get what they wanted or didn't thank someone for whatever they were given. It's hard work teaching consideration and manners, and that is half the problem; some parents don't want to be bothered so decide it is not necessary.

a1icia Thu 06-Oct-16 10:26:28

House rules are house rules. Do you allow smoking in your house? Do you accept that other people do/don't? Outside, parents rule if they are there, otherwise, it's whoever is in charge.

Greyduster Thu 06-Oct-16 10:37:44

I have always set great store by good manners (though I don't consider washing hands good manners - just basic hygiene). I pride myself on mine, as does DH, who is one of the most courteous men on the planet, and our children were brought up to have good manners. If they are instilled early enough they become a default setting. Having said that, this past year or so, I have noticed that my GS now has to be prompted in certain areas of common courtesy by myself or DD, which is disappointing as, by now, at nine, I would have thought it would have become his default setting. We don't make him wait to be told to sit down but he is not allowed to leave the table without permission, and he is expected to hold doors open for adults but that is reinforced at school. Of course, he may display faultless good manners when he is outside his own home - children often do.

Luckygirl Thu 06-Oct-16 10:38:04

My GC seem to have no problem whatsoever in knowing that different houses have different rules - from about the age of 1 year.

Of course we want children to have good manners - which is essentially thinking of others - but not everyone's definition of good manners is the same. You have the right to insist on your definition in your own home but not to interfere with others' rules.

Nain9bach Thu 06-Oct-16 10:39:57

As my family live with me I sit back and I watch the generations pass on the manners down the line. Manners are part of the whole bundle of things called respect in my view.

Anniebach Thu 06-Oct-16 10:40:30

But this isn't about house rules, should grandparents overrule parents ?