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should we be teaching our grandchildren manners

(92 Posts)
etheltbags1 Thu 06-Oct-16 09:20:05

Last week I dropped DGD off at the other grans and she knocked at the door, gran A opened the door and said she doesnt need to knock as she could just walk in. I explained that my DD is teaching her manners. She then said her son never knocked on anyones door and no one knocks on her door. I was horrified.
DD tells me that gran A tells DGD not to say thank you to grandparents because they are family. SIL says he never said thank you to anyone.
I am shocked because although I was brought up with very little in the way of material advantages, I was taught manners. I do think that DGD should knock on anyones door, if she walked in they might be undressed or worse. I told SIL that I was taught to knock then wait to be asked in then wait to asked to be seated then wait to be asked to take my coat off. He has never heard of this.
I think this is about respect for others. Am I being old fashioned.

etheltbags1 Thu 06-Oct-16 13:02:37

In the OP I never mentioned that I think the granparents should overrule the parents, my DD and partner have done a good job with the little one but i think we should uphold their rules. I did point ont to gran A that knocking on doors was the parents ruling. I still feel that different rules in different homes is too much for a small child.

Tessa101 Thu 06-Oct-16 13:18:03

Totally agree with Anniemach,just cos they come charging in doesn't mean they don't have manners, just excited to be at nannies.

NanaandGrampy Thu 06-Oct-16 13:21:10

We believe in manners. Our 4 always say please and thank you to everyone. No excuses, no-one above that rule and they are prompted if they forget.

They do ask to get down from the table too - less in their own homes probably, but our daughters support us in that. They never knock to come into the house but if a bedroom or toilet door is shut they do knock and wait except the baby who thinks its knock- go in !

They wouldn't wait to be asked to seated , if they're in then that's it .our home is theirs smile.

Washing their hands is a given because we have an automatic soap dispenser so it's a great game .

The only other thing we're hot on is sharing. So if they are given sweets they offer them to everyone . We don't always accept the offer but do occasionally. I don't think it hurts them to have those few basic manners and we're lucky that on the whole our daughters have the same values.

Our grandkids do have some other different rules here than at home and the 4,7 and 9 year olds all grasp that. The baby at 2 is not quite there yet .

minimo Thu 06-Oct-16 13:25:50

Manners are v important with us too although we're slightly more relaxed than my son and dil. They insist on hand washing before every meal and asking to be excused from the table whereas we're happy enough with pleases and thankyous and not doing things to hurt other people. OP, tricky when they're being told off when they're doing what you told them to. Not sure how best to handle that one tbh. hmm

PamelaJ1 Thu 06-Oct-16 13:27:36

My DGS and DD don't knock on my door but mySIL does if he comes on his own. I knock on theirs because it's locked, they live in a built up area. I would always knock first anyway- just in case I interrupted something. (can't think what).
Good manners are easily learnt and can be relaxed to suit the situation however if children aren't taught the basics then they could be disadvantaged as they get older.
Might as well give them all the help they can get.

mintsmum Thu 06-Oct-16 13:37:50

I agree that even young children can understand that different homes have different rules. When I was young my grandparents lived next door but one and were literally Victorian I learned to say "Thank God for my good dinner please may I get down" after a meal. At home with 2 working parents life was much more relaxed.

DaphneBroon Thu 06-Oct-16 14:23:11

Children also learn by example, if mum and dad/granny and grandpa say please, thank you, may I etc little ones are more likely to imitate them. Our 3 always used to come back from visits to Granny and Grandpa with immaculate manners - a fair bit wore off over the ensuing 24 hours though!

merlotgran Thu 06-Oct-16 14:42:23

Our DGCs always ask if they can leave the table and always say Thank You for whichever meal it was.

They're all in their teens now and their manners are still impeccable.

hulahoop Thu 06-Oct-16 14:58:53

I think manners are learnt by example and we always thank each other and all my family do. Has for knocking on door they usually knock then walk in we are usually expecting them so we unlock door . They don't ask to sit down . GC know they have to wash hands before eating or at least have a baby wipe used on them. And they do ask if they want something .

chrislou Thu 06-Oct-16 15:08:09

I find it quite hard to tolerate bad manners as please, thank you and excuse me are things I taught my children. Mostly my three grandchildren do this but occasionally I find one delving into the biscuit barrel without asking. I have explained I do not mind what they have but please just ask first. This has worked. One of my GDDs friends is very rude no please or thank you and if you ask her something it is What when she is in my house. I do correct her and will continue to do so because this is something going forward which will stand her in good stead rather than someone saying how bad mannered she is. You might think me wrong but that's my way.

Grannygrunt123 Thu 06-Oct-16 15:31:18

My view is that the majority of children should respect their parents no matter what their age. Even when they are adults themselves, they should always respect their parents and that jncludes manners. Grandchildren should not be allowed to be unruly anywhere. Manners show breeding and should be taught from being tiny. It is a sad fact that it isn't the case today. Parents in their 20/30s and 40s think they are a law unto themselves. A lot are arrogant and very ignorant when it comes to common decency and respect for others. It is a sad state of affairs and I thank God every day that I am in the latter stages of my life because the future looks very bleak the way children are brought up today. It's me,me,me first, last and always. A very self centred view, full of greed by many. Not nice at all.

busilizzie Thu 06-Oct-16 16:09:08

Rosina - you have expressed my feelings perfectly. Good manners are often time consuming to instill into our children, but they will pay off handsomely when our youngsters get out into the big wide world. Demonstrating good manners is the oil which lubricates our communications with others, and can ease our way forward. Inherent good manners shows respect for others, and there's little of that these days! Rudeness gets you nowhere.

sarahellenwhitney Thu 06-Oct-16 16:26:50

Etheltbags I do agree with you and I would always say to my children just because there are ill mannered people around and it is ill mannered if someone gives you or does something for you not to say please or thank you that you don't have to be like them.I now observe how well mannered s my grown up children are and really does it take so much to respect others.Respect I believe is a word many have never heard of.

palliser65 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:42:32

Courtesy to others is a valuable life-skill. The lack of social skills is of huge disadvantage. Please help your grand children by supporting civilised and courteous behaviour.Anyone who never said thank you is probably the person who wonders why 'nothing ever goes right for them' or 'never given anything'. Poor social skills are very limiting as no one wants to be around loutish and yobbish behaviour.

Cherrytree59 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:54:12

chrislou I have been known to correct adults!
On occasion if we have been out for a meal and someone at the table has said to the waiter for example
'I'll have the roast lamb'
I will add the 'please'.
If I have held a shop door open for another to go through and I am ignored then I will sometimes say in a loud voice 'Thankyou'

cassandra264 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:55:39

busilizzie is quite right - my son (who is now in his thirties) often says what a huge difference it has made to his life that I was always a stickler for good manners and respect for others.This has given him confidence in most social situations, and also in the workplace, where he has to deal directly with,and help, all sorts of people from all walks of life, many of whom may be ill or stressed. Such abilities have helped him 1. to help others more effectively at critical times in their lives, and 2. manage problems. It hasn't done his career any harm, either!

Diddy1 Thu 06-Oct-16 17:06:06

I must tell you all, I live in Sweden, and I must admit although respect isnt heard of these days, I am impressed with certain things children are taught from an early age, everyone take their shoes off after entering the house, fabulous in the snowy, slushy climate in Winter.At Table nobody starts a meal without the hostess saying please begin, even if a meal gets cold waiting for everyone to take what they want, a big minus thought is the way they hold their cutlery, they hold a knife and fork like a pencil, this we were taught never to do, in School at a very early age. At the table even small children ask if they may leave the table, mind you they have looked at their I-pads/telephone during the meal, so social skills are not the thing. Its quite good knowing other Countries customs etiquette etc.I never comment on the cutlery bit, just glad I get it right!?

Katek Thu 06-Oct-16 17:07:44

3 year old dgs asks to leave the table and his small brother of 18 months is asking to 'det dow' from his highchair. DS/Dil very hot on manners, sometimes too much so!

chrislou Thu 06-Oct-16 17:31:34

Glad you think the same way as me. I might add that the friend who is old enough to know better is thought of as a very rude child by quite a few people but no one will say anything. So how else is she supposed to learn.

Rosina Thu 06-Oct-16 18:31:53

Thank you busilizzie; I had 'manners' instilled by my parents, but having witnessed really appalling behaviour from a couple of children of my acquaintance when I was first married, and having seen how much people disliked them because they were rude , I felt sorry for the children and angry with the parents who were setting them at such a disadvantage. I agree that it really is a duty to make sure that your children can be acceptable and I know some will sniff at that but they won't get anywhere if they are disliked. I so agree with your comment about 'lubricating communication' - I have always called it 'oiling the wheels of society' !!

lizzypopbottle Thu 06-Oct-16 20:21:18

If I lived with someone who never said thank you for such simple things as a cup of tea I made for them, they'd quickly find themselves making their own! Manners and give and take oil the wheels of life and also, I'm no one's slave!

mags1234 Thu 06-Oct-16 20:42:35

My grandchildren, 8,6, and nearly two have great table manners, taught by their parents and it's a joy for me to take them out for a meal. They are normal kids, and have been taught their please and thank yous. If they go to a play date or a party the host often comments on this. I'm horrified at how some folk let kids off with basic behaviour in public but obviously there is a happy medium, and many things are so out of date .
I hate it if I send a gift and don't get a thank you. A text or phone or e mail is fine, but I've stopped giving to family members abroad who never ever said they d received the gifts I'd posed. Never ever thanked me. We set our kids up for life by teaching basic manners.

Fran0251 Thu 06-Oct-16 20:44:07

LuckyGirl is right. My grandchildren have had my house rules explain to them and abide by them. It is totally different in their house, my DD's. I also follow the house rules that exist in my daughters house when I'm visiting. Everybody has different rules and in business I was careful to follow the manners of my clients. It has amused me that now without being asked the grandchildren differentiate where they are and follow the rules of the house. Good on them for a successful future life.

Grandmama Thu 06-Oct-16 20:50:50

When DGD was 10 or 11 she broke her wrist badly one evening and was admitted to hospital overnight for an operation the next day. Although upset and in pain she thanked the nursing staff for everything they did and said to her - without any prompting from her mother or from me. I was so proud of her.

JK Fri 07-Oct-16 00:03:55

As we live abroad we visit England more than my daughter can come to us. My grandson aged seven does not come into our bedroom until half past seven knocking on the door first, Mummy has said so. He is now training his little sisters to do the same although it is difficult at times! No one leaves the table until everyone has finished although some exceptions are obviously made when we are staying and it's "grown ups talking time". He has learnt how to talk at the table and some of our conversations have been great fun and because of his example his sisters are learning too. That's not to say we do not have chaotic mealtimes sometimes ~ it's the nature of children is it not. I'm impressed with the way that my daughter and son in law are dealing with the mine field of manners ~ strict/over strict etc. I have had some lovely comments about how my grandchildren are easy in company and seem to appreciate the social graces. Although we have bad times as well, some very bad!!!