Advice needed re-MIL

Thanks to everyone for all the really supportive posts. She's home now and despite DH running round doing all sorts of stuff for her she was still horrible to him. The trouble is you can't blame her behaviour on her being elderly, she's always been difficult.

Polly so sorry to read of your difficult situation.
Whew - this has been quite a saga reading through all these posts! So pleased that the wheels are in motion for MIL's care and so pleased that you and DH have not caved in to pressure.
My own father was a total nightmare and in no way did he improve as he aged and became infirm. Fortunately he died in hospital awaiting heart surgery since nobody in the family would have wanted to be involved in his life once they had managed to get away. Age and ill health does not make people any nicer - ever! Look after yourselves, keep well and avoid making your own health issues any worse.

Sorry to see that your MIL has been putting her toxic posts on here!

Don't offer to do any physical care. Hope DH's mother has now got a proper care package.

You may wish to give support from a distance for example If DH visits and come back with a shopping list then you may be willing to help by ordering for her on line with a delivery at a time when a carer will be visiting or when DH can drop in and see that everything is put away.

Your health come first and the welfare of your marriage. all the very best.

Pollyparrot it sounds as if you and your DH are doing all you can to make sure MIL is in a safe environment. I total understand why you cannot and would not be her carer.

My MIL is widowed and has a few health problems and walks with crutches. She has never been nasty or rude and we have rubbed along for the last 40 years. She is always included in the family and we visit and have her here to visit us. However I am not particularly fond of her, she just happens to be DHs mother. I would never agree to be her carer. Please don't feel guilty about the way you feel.

When my mum was safely in the Care Home I told the staff that I had always been scared of her and that she had abused my physically and mentally when I was a child. They said that they had suspected this was the case and from then on they put less pressure on me and were very helpful. Of course I still kept an eye on things and made sure mum was being treated properly.

It's perfectly in order to be honest and it happens a lot more than we think. I feel quite proud that I stayed with my mum until she passed away although a lot of the time I was trembling with nerves and a year after she died I became quite ill.

I am amazed at the kindness you and your husband have shown to this nasty malicious old woman. Nothing your Dh does will be good enough for her so you should do what is best for the two of you. You have your own health problems to deal with and this selfish old woman couldnt care less. Get a residential care home sorted, visit her and live your own life. Being old, being a relative does not give people freedom to abuse your obvious kindness.

There have always been bad parents. There are some unfortunate children suffering now. It has always amazed me how kind and forgiving some (adult) children are to really unpleasant parents, who have done nothing to deserve it.

I have also been overwhelmed at times by the lengths (adult) children go to, to care for parents, who were good parents and who they now want to repay for the love and support their parents gave them when they were younger.

I have always done my best to be the second type, but inevitably, had moments when I wondered whether I was veering to te first.

What some people just don't 'get' (luckily the minority) is that some mothers and fathers are just a nightmare, and have never inspired the love and devotion of their children. They are selfish, rude, demanding and have driven everyone, friends as well as family, away.

Chrishappy told it exactly how it is/was with mothers like that.

I don't know if this will be any help, but when I was in a similar situation ten years ago with my MIL (it was Christmas Eve), I contacted the local MP by email and he got her a place in a nursing home and she was in it by Boxing Day. It was a great relief.

Strange how it is here that most contributing are very sympathetic to Pollys plight. I think she should be sainted, but then the nasties creep out of the woodwork, and start mouthing off about being grasping etc.

I think most of us here who are younger thatnsaid MIL, would agree that they get more crabbit as they age, and the same might happen to us, unless we take care to avoid that scenario.

Good luck to you and OH

My OH is the principal carer for my difficult and cantankerous MiL. I avoid her as she is so vile to me and my family that I will only see her when in company. I have made it clear that I would help in an emergency, but I cannot do day to day contact with someone who is unpleasant to my face and behind my back. I know this puts a lot onto my OH and his sibling, but he takes my side and doesn't want me exposed to her nastiness. He puts up with it as this is how she has always been, and he has a sense of duty towards her . She did have carers, but sacked them all as she didn't think they were good enough, plus many of them weren't English as she was openly racist in her comments. The OP has my total sympathy, I understand just where she is coming from. I know there will be guilt feelings, but don't allow your MiL to undermine your emotional and physical health.

Golly, Daphne, I don't know about anyone else but I find your comments to Pollyparrot patronising with a definite flavour of spitefulness.
Clearly the lady is at her wits end needs support not your brand of 'help'.

My mother could have been worth millions and held it over my head but I still could not have had her living with us and caring for her. My marriage would have suffered and my C would have left home, they both told me that. Some things are worth more than monetary gain. That is being blunt.

Sorry if this sounds rather blunt and mercenary but do you and your husband have expectations from his mother's estate? If so, and you are depending on it, she has you over a barrel. If you refuse to have her and her assets are needed to pay for her care, there may well be nothing left if she survives for several years. If you're in the happy position of not needing or wanting anything from her, perhaps it's time she knew that you won't put up with her behaviour any more? Your husband has reached retirement age still being abused by his mother! Why does he put up with it? Time for some home truths all round, perhaps? (By the way, you don't have to answer my question on this public forum! I'm not being nosy. I'm just suggesting something to think about ?)

You should ask to go to mdt meeting where you can voice your point. Of view and your reasons for not being able to care for her . Staff are always being told to get some beds emptied don't be pushed take care of yourselves first don't be rushed !!

I have every sympathy with Polly and her husband and everyone else who has to and is caring for an elderly difficult relative. I understand your saying a care package has to be put in place and great to hear of those who have received excellent service,

But we have to look at the role of hospitals and most are acute care hospitals and when people are treated and everything an acute hospital can do is done they have to be moved home or to suitable accomadation either.a nursing or residential home or they are blocking a bed which is needed for someone else who needs acute care. This could be Polly needing cancer treatment or someone needing a hip replacement etc. No wonder waiting lists are so long.

Unfortunately this now may means private care which may mean selling property etc. And loss of inherttence to family. The NHS can no longer care for everyone cradle to the grave and it is something we have to think about and discuss with our families. If people have to work longer they will never be able to look after aging families. A big problem which we must all try to resolve but don't blame the acute hospitals, long term care is not their role.

Polly's cantankerous mil seems able to get her own way and if left I am sure will manage to get what she wants upsetting everyone on the way.

Pollyparrot. Ignore anyone who can't be kind. You don't have to justify how you feel.
There are a number of websites that have been set up to support adult survivors of childhood abuse, including emotional abuse, specifically because they get the kind of reaction that you are getting from Cleves.
No one would tell an abused child that they would be a bad child if they didn't spend time with their abuser. Things don't immediately change just because the child has grown up. Your husband survived an emotionally abusive childhood and it sounds as if he is going above and beyond.
It looks as if things have come together well, at least for now. Enjoy your break and hopefully your health will improve, but you need to be careful to be protective of it even if it does.

Thank you Witzend x

Cleves, I really don't understand why you're being so pious and judgemental about this.
Having had to deal with a most monumentally selfish and demanding old aunt of OH's, moreover one who would never for a moment have put herself out for anybody else, I have every sympathy for the OP.

Yorkshiregel, just because someone has dementia it doesn't mean they need a nursing home. My mother was in a specialist dementia care home - and a very good one - for nearly 8 years, from the age of 89 to 97.
Her dementia was pretty bad when she went in, and was very advanced when she died, but she never needed actual nursing care, just personal care and someone on hand all the time, day and night.
The home had no qualified nurses on the staff - if residents did come to need actual nursing, they moved to a nursing home, with a qualified nurse on the premises.

A residential home without qualified nursing staff is just a residential care home, and these may or may not take people with dementia, or may take them in early stages only, or as long as they are not bothering the non-dementia residents. We had an aunt with early dementia who was accepted on these terms, but after a couple of years we had to move her to one with a dementia wing, where she was able to stay with excellent care until she died.

Dear Cleves,

We are helping my MIL haven't you read the thread? We're doing what we can in difficult circumstances. Why are you going on about it? She may think I'm difficult as I won't join in with her criticising DH. She does it when he's sitting there, just as if he's not in the room. He's so lovely and does a lot for her. I could quite understand if he never had anything to do with her, but as I said I'm not going into that.

I'm not a strong person at all following my illness. DH has peripheral neuropathy and has trouble walking. MIL never thanks us or asks how we are.

Anyway, I'm done with responding to you.

Everyone else has been lovely on here, thanks again x

Is your MIL posting as Cleves?

I do hope it all works out for you.

Dear Polly,

I am genuinely glad your family helped you through was just suggesting you could possibly do the same for your MIL.

Honestly do not understand why you get to simply decided she is difficult have you thought she may view you in the same way

Why would I say she's difficult, if she's not? Many older people are difficult, my dad was but at least I'd had years of a good relationship with him prior to him getting old and cantankerous.

MIL and DH have a history, which I'm not prepared to go into on here.

I have needed care. I've been very sick with cancer and my family were brilliant thanks.