Help, Daughter and grandchild moving 250 miles away!

This may sound like tough love, but think carefully, who is /are the most important or people in this situation?
Once you have established that in your mind, I think you can begin to move on.
If it takes guided meditation, so be it, but most of us parents would agree that our children come first in our lives when they are young and that does not change when they grow up and have their own children.

Hi all, thanks for the heartfelt stories and advice . Of course I would not dream of letting my daughter know how I feel. And of course I will feel better in time. My friend recommended meditainment, which has helped me sleep and feel calm. It's just for the moment it's a raw emotional time for me. I do have a husband he's taking it inwards but we are getting there. Xx

Surely our greatest achievement it is raise independent happy children. You cannot expect them to stay near their parents. If you have given them 'wings' let them fly.

Susieboxer your pain and despair are all too evident, but I hope that having got this off your chest - and it occurred to me that perhaps you couldn't articulate this within your family - I hope that other members sharing how they cope with this sort of situation will have helped you to get things in a more acceptable perspective.
Do please come back and let us know if we have helped at all. When you can't change something, all that is left is to work on how you deal with it. But you are not alone

I empathise with you entirely Susie. My daughter is the light of my life & we are incredibly close. I also have a sister I'm very close to. We don't live in each other's pockets, but the furthest I've ever lived from them is 2.5hrs drive. Now my DD has a baby & is only 1hr away, it's wonderful. These people who say "move on" etc - it's not that easy is it? It's our relationships with the people we love that enrich our lives & make us happy.
Having said that, 250miles isn't THAT far. You might be able to manage a weekend stay every month, and with regular calls, texts, Skyping etc - you can still sustain a very close relationship with them. Do you think part of your despair is because your DD doesn't seem to understand your feelings? Do try your best not to appear "needy". I would be sad too, in your shoes, but it's imperative you try to appear positive & indeed excited for her. Of course it's fine to say how much you love & will miss them, but just lie & tell her you'll be absolutely fine. Work on seeing more of your friends & choose a really close one to share your real feelings with, but whatever you do don't make DD feel guilty - if you appear cheerful & supportive, they'll want to see more of you. Avoid comments like "it's X weeks since I last saw you" etc.
Do seek your GP's advice about your depression. I resisted anti-depressants for ages (I'm in poor health, &it gets too much at times) but they really do have a role. If you need them, they can be a godsend in lifting your mood & helping you see the elusive "light at the end of the tunnel". I wish you well Susie, & am convinced this move won't be anywhere near as difficult as you think.

I understand that feeling Shanma

No, no, no! shanma never think that. My daughter has lived for the last 20 years just over 100 miles away and now has a new 3 month daughter. When she was pregnant I was desperately unhappy especially as her husband is frequently on the other side of the world for months on end. I travel either by car or train, senior railcard, about once a month to see her, but our main contact is I messaging on my iPad when we have long conversations, I see pictures of my granddaughter, and we FaceTime every couple of days. My DS and his family live just around the corner from me but I feel closer to my daughters everyday life. So Susieboxer, don't despair, your glass really is half full, work out ways of getting round the situation.

it not kit*

Just think like I do. " Oh well that is another thing gone from our lives", and move on, it is the only way, no good getting all uptight about kit, that will not help at all.

Having just returned from a 578 mile round trip to see family and grandchildren I sympathise with your worry about your daughter moving away. My daughter married and moved away immediately because she and her husband both managed to get jobs down south when there was nothing up here. All contact, including births means a long drive either for them or for us but at least they aren't in France now.
It's a long trip for a weekend now and it won't get any easier, but try not to share your worries with your daughter. She may well understand your feelings, but gave no option about the move. Hopefully she'll talk enthusiastically about you visiting if she feels you are positive, even though she knows you'll miss her. Then of course the grandchildren may come to stay for a few days as they get older.

Hello Susie. So sorry to hear that you are so depressed at the thought of your daughter and family moving away. No doubt you were excited at the thought of a new baby coming and this must be a bit of a shock for you. But like all change in our lives, we learn to adapt and you will too.

As you can see from many of the posts above, a lot of us have children living quite far away. I have 2 daughters, 4 grandchildren and a son living in SE England while we live in N.Ireland. We see them at Christmas and Easter when they come to us for major family fun because they want to. Additionally, one or both of us go over there at least 4 times a year for the children's birthdays or sometimes even to babysit.

It takes us about 5 hours to travel each way but it is worth the hassle just to keep in touch with them all. In fact I was present at the births of all the babies. So it isn't impossible to be part of your DD and her children's lives if they are 250 miles away.

Another bonus is that the GCs will look forward to seeing you as it is special. We have a DD and 2 grandsons quite close to us here. Different relationship, though. We see a lot of them as we are the major childcarers during school holidays. Love them to bits but we also have to be involved in the discipline when mum isn't around.

Like others have said, let them go with your blessing, have a weep to yourself, and then find ways to keep in touch but live your own life.

My previous comment was a response to Skullduggery's comment, but unfortunately it has not come up below her comment, so just to say that it didn't refer to anyone else's comment!

I can imagine how hard that must be when you've gotten used to them living so close. It will be hard on you to see them go, but try your best to act genuinely happy until you can truly feel that way too.
I can tell you that the hardest thing on my marriage and family very early on with young children was the pressure and guilt my in laws constantly put on us to see them more when we were already doing the best we could. It brought a great deal of resentment into our home and it ended up creating a major rift in our relationship with them which led to us spending much less time with them than what we were.
I can imagine it is difficult, but no matter what you do your daughter and her new family are going to make their own choices with or without your support. When you show genuine support for the things THEY are choosing to do (whether those things benefit you most or not) they will WANT you around more. My mom was always so unbelievably great at this... even if we chose to spend holidays with the other side of the family every single time (they were a lot more dramatic would fight to have things their way) she would support it and tell me that we needed to do whatever was best for us... even if that meant holidays without her! And you know what... because of her amazing attitude towards me and my new family's decisions I wanted to be around her ALL THE TIME...trips to the store, walks on the beach all of it... because I knew seeing her felt good!... I avoided my in laws wherever and whenever it was possible to avoid the endless guilt trips (even though we never went a couple weeks without seeing them). They were miserable to be around and unfortunately that meant less time for them to be around their grand kids too, I don't feel bad, because I wanted to raise my kids free and to be able to grow up and soar on their own too! You will feel sad, but tell them you are happy for them and be there for them rooting them on and they will cherish your visits and invite you and welcome your requests when they do come!! ☺️

It is early days Susieboxer and hopefully as time goes on you will adjust to your daughter and gc being so far away - there is the telephone / skype and facetime - as well as visiting and possibly holidaying together.

We bring our children up to be independent people and have to accept that they may move away. But it doesn't make it any easier when they do...

Start looking at interests for yourself now and make sure your daughter knows that you have her best interests at heart. Hope you won't need antidepressants because of this - be thankful that you have a happy healthy family wherever they are and be cheerful and chatty when you talk to them. Good luck.

What a very unsympathetic comment. Well of course she is very upset about it why wouldn't she be? My eldest daughter lives in Berkshire and I live in Essex and I don't have a car, and it takes me three hours and three trains to get there, not to mention the fare is expensive and at the moment I'm fit and healthy, but may not always be so it may be difficult to travel. It's also tiring. Amazed you find seeing your children once a year "fine". I love my children and my granddaughter very much and would like to see them more often than I do, which is every couple of months. However, I am going to be looking for a house near my daughter in Berkshire, but not in the same town, so it will be much easier to visit. Just a bus ride or one stop on the train to get there.

OH and I were in a similar position when our eldest DD was pregnant with our first grandchild and moved North, it is difficult but when the children were small we used to chat on the phone and visit when we could. Most people I know have one or more children living far away, I have to remember that we left my mum and dad and moved 40 miles away my mother was very upset and later, after retirement, moved near us.

My children are at opposite ends of the country. I miss the day to day contact, but going on an extended visit makes up for it. Keep busy, and find new interests - even if you have to force yourself to begin with. I remember my parents used to love visiting my young family, we were a good distance away. They looked upon it as a holiday and were a bit put out when we moved near to them! Also, remember it is easy to travel these days with rail cards and bus passes - and you can always face time them on computer. Be grateful you have a family to care for!

My daughter and my Grandchildren have lived abroad and now live nearly 4 hours away. It is hard, but there is Skype/FaceTime (I FaceTime them most days) and you can visit. (I try to visit once a month) The over 60's rail card is brilliant. I do hope you will feel better about this in time.

You might find you see less of them, but the time you do get is closer ? All three of my grown up kids live away from me, with their families. Both daughters live too far for a day trip so it has to be a stay of a few days when I visit them or they visit me. I have a spare double room for the grown ups, and bunk beds in the small room for the kids, and a travel cot. The little room is decorated in a jungle theme so it's unisex and there are lots of toys and books. The kids love to come and stay, and we get quality time.

I do love going to see them, and always stay "two sleeps". The kids come into my bed in the morning and give their mum and dad a break. I babysit so they can go out.

We talk on FaceTime, and I see photos of what they are up to. Sometimes a little voice phones me to tell me something special.

It's not the end of the world.

I once felt just like you do now! Our three adult children moved thousands of miles away in the space of eight years. It's a terrible feeling and I was very depressed for a long time. We adapted somehow and eventually got used it. We tried to find more activities, hobbies and social events to occupy our time. In 2009, oldest daughter and hubby moved back East (with grandchildren) and they now live about an hour away. Youngest son is thinking of relocating back to the East coast too, so there's always hope. Our second daughter still lives in the Mid West, so we visit as much as we can and they (along with my other two grandchildren) visit us once a year. Then there's Skype and Facetime of course. When our youngest granddaughter was four, she discovered Facetime! She would call in the early morning when we were still sleeping or catch us sipping coffee in our PJs.

I have one DS who lives in India, one who is 250 miles away and one who is 40 miles away. I miss them all dreadfully, but feel that I mustn't live their lives, let them off on a long, long elastic, and hope they come back with pleasure.
I try very hard not to be passive/aggressive "Haven't heard from you for ages, don't worry about me..."
We are very fortunate in seeing one GC who comes by himself to visit occasionally, the two GDs are too fr away, their parents are busy and we don't even Skype more than once every 6 weeks or if we are lucky, 4 weeks.
The GDs live not far from SiL's parents and see them all the time , at least twice weekly. I try very hard not to feel jealous, or if I do, not to let it show, or make comments about it... . It is difficult.
The one thing to remember is that if you unwittingly make them feel guilty, children often compensate by not contacting or putting visits to one side so as to lessen the guilt. Beware!

I'm same as bluebelle I would love my DD and DGC to be 250 miles away instead of 10,200.Even on the same time zone would be good but we have to let them fly and spread there wings.

My husband & I live 220 miles from our youngest daughter, Son-in-Law & 6 year old grandson. We tried several times moving closer but couldn't sell our property at the price we needed to afford a property near them. I try to visit them every few months (public transport as we have no car) which isn't really enough to have a close relationship with our grandson. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it. Our other daughter and grandson live in London and the situation is much the same. I do regret all this especially as we got plenty of time at our hands and could help out, but the distance puts a stop to it.

Susie - I'm with you too on this one and despite having a busy life myself, know I would be heartbroken if my daughter were to move 'away' .... And I disagree with some who are saying how fortunate you are that it's only 250 miles!

We can still miss our family no matter what the distance or their ages. It doesn't mean we are clingy parents ... Just that we love them to bits and there's nothing wrong with that.

My son and his family are 'only' 100 miles away (and it was us who moved away) but I still wish he could pop in for 10 minutes and a quick cuppa - specially when I need a light bulb replacing in our high ceiling home! Or just for a hug!

But try not to panic. You will get used to the change and it's still a shock! I do hope life settles down and you can come to terms with this huge change.

Susieboxer, I have a daughter who lives this same distance away with her husband and GC (my only). They live near SIL's family who see them all the time. So I really sympathise. It can be very hard.
I cope myself by trying to be thankful that my DD and GC enjoy coming for visits (which because she is lucky enough to be able to work part-time, do not have to be always with SIL).Because they always come for several days because of the distance, we can have quality time together.My GC is now old enough to remember and look forward to seeing us.And I go to visit them too for short periods occasionally - when it is convenient for DD and SIL- trying to bear in mind that they have their own lives, work, friends, interests etc.....!

And I also try when I can to remember those of my friends whose children and grandchildren are now living the other side of the world; those who do not have any grandchildren at all; and those whose adult children are disabled and will, sadly, never be able to live full and independent lives, let alone have families of their own.

Both sets of my own grandparents lived the distance you mention away from me, too, and in the fifties that took longer to travel! I would have loved to have seen more of them - but the time I did have with them was very precious; and I have wonderful memories. Conversely, a friend of mine had a grandmother who lived on the same street. She was always around - but was, apparently, not liked at all by ANY of her grandchildren!

I have thought myself about moving closer - but leaving an area where you have built an independent life and friendships over many years for somewhere where you could become over dependent on your immediate family for social contact needs very careful consideration.And if other work opportunities present themselves, or (perish the thought!) if other, more unwelcome, life events occur - there could be other moves in the pipeline for your DD.

I think in these circumstances it is very important to continue to have a life and interests outside your immediate family members. This will give you other things to think about; makes you more interesting as a person;you will have more opportunities to make more friends; and you will also have skills and enthusiasms to pass on to your grandchildren when you do see them - whether this is making/creating things, cooking, gardening, music, making up stories etc. etc....

Take care, and try to be positive.