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Help, Daughter and grandchild moving 250 miles away!

(75 Posts)
Susieboxer Fri 04-Nov-16 16:49:42

My pregnant Daughter is moving and I'm not taking it well, I can't sleep. She seems thrilled with the idea. And doesn't empathise that it's really hard for me as I will miss the contact with grandson and new baby when it comes. I don't want to go onto antidepressants but I'm very low, Waking up at 4 in the morning...

Skullduggery Fri 04-Nov-16 17:07:20

You sound very shocked and bereft about this move. Why? Have you built your world around your child/grandchild? Do you have a partner and/or busy life beyond your family?

Our eldest 2 DS's plus DGS live in London and we moved abroad. We generally see them about once a year, which is fine.

What are you afraid of?

Izabella Fri 04-Nov-16 17:22:02

I think at times like this a reassessment of what is happening in our lives kicks in. As the previous poster points out, you may in fact have to widen your horizons and find other things to fill in your time. Tough or even brutal if lives have revolved only around family things.

Christinefrance Fri 04-Nov-16 17:45:10

Sorry Suzie , you will miss your family but...... Be happy for them it's something they obviously want to do, you have your own life to enjoy so make the most of it.

BlueBelle Fri 04-Nov-16 17:54:19

Suzie be glad for her she's obviously happy about it. Don't cause her to lose her enthusiasm, 250 miles is not really very far We have been talking on another thread about our children being on the other side of the big old world at least she's still in the same country
Will you not visit her and she you?
Did you stay in the same town as your mum and dad?
How long have you known if it's very new news, you may be in shock if you never saw it coming but Suzie you will adapt and look forward to visits Nowadays it's almost rare to have your children living round the corner Don't despair Suzie you will work around it we all do we have to there is no alternative

Lewlew Fri 04-Nov-16 18:10:55

You won't be that far away. Even if you don't drive there are trains (get a railcard!) that surely can get you close enough and then you could be picked up.

It's understandable to be sad, but be happy for them that they can get on with improving their lives and know you will always be their mum and gran! flowers

annodomini Fri 04-Nov-16 18:23:23

All my GC live 'down south' whereas I live near Manchester. As I don't drive long distances any more, I have to take three trains to reach either family. I know that none of the parents would have progressed in his/her career by living close to me. The children are happy and fulfilled where they are. Now that they are older, I don't see quite so much of them even when I'm there and they never come here at weekends because of all their activities. If they were still near you, you would find the children growing away from you as they found their own friends, interests and pursuits.

Wobblybits Fri 04-Nov-16 18:26:48

Skype is your salvation, our GC even the 1 year old recognise us on screen and react as though were in the room. In fact they have just come on line.

fiorentina51 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:26:56

Both my kids moved about 200 miles away, one up north and the other Down south. We visit them regularly and they visit us often, though not as often as I would like! Grandchildren know who we are and they come to stay during the school holidays. It seems to work well. I suppose it's a case of making the best of it and to be honest we quite like the fact that we don't live too close to each other. 😉

Grannyben Fri 04-Nov-16 19:38:55

I do so understand how you feel. I am always very busy but my dgs is very much part of my life and I would be heartbroken if he were to move away. However, I do think that you must paint a smile on your face and tell your dad that, although you will obviously miss them terribly, you are happy for them as they start this new chapter.
My oldest daughter moved away some time ago and I have now adjusted to being without her. She calls every day for a few minutes (I live alone and I think it makes her feel better) and she comes home for the weekend every couple of months. I visit her 2 or 3 times a year (the train is very expensive and I am on a limited income). Our lives have moved on and we have a close relationship. You can too 😊

Grannyben Fri 04-Nov-16 19:39:48

Dad, where did that come from! I really did put daughter

morethan2 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:47:53

It's very hard when anyone you love moves away. Even if you know that's it's a good move for them, even if you have a lovely busy fulfilling life of your own. When you've been lucky enough to have them living locally a move of 250miles means you'll see much less of them so your bound to feel upset, your only human. As with everything the anticipation is often worse than the reality. It won't be easy but you will adapt and I'm sure both you and your daughters family will find a way to see each other as much as they can. Separation from loved ones is bloodyhorrible after you've given yourself the time to be justifiably miserable you will pick yourself up and get on with things. But for now you just need a ((((((hug))))) And the assurance that we will listen and give you a gentle nudge if you need it.

Deedaa Fri 04-Nov-16 22:14:21

Oh dear this makes me feel awfully guilty. When DD was 3 months old DH and I packed up and moved to Cornwall, leaving both sets od grandparents in London. And we were both only children too!
We all had telephones so we could speak every week but we could only visit each other a couple of times a year.
Neither of the grannies were the hands on type so perhaps they didn't mind as much as I would have, but I'm afraid we were very happy and didn't think too much about them hmm

mrsmopp Fri 04-Nov-16 23:31:43

We were the same Deeda. My DH was offered a brilliant promotion which meant a better lifestyle for us all and a move to a better part of the country, meaning our children would benefit enormously. My dad was heartily in congratulating DH, but my mum couldn't stop crying. We bought a house big enough for them to visit any time. They could come by coach or train easily. She made me feel so guilty which was wrong. We had our future and the children's future to think of. I think it would have been wrong for DH to turn down the chance - he would have resented the lost opportunity for ever.
Susie, let them go with your blessing. You don't say how far they are going, but don't make your daughter feel guilty about this like my mum did. Go and visit them and use Skype the rest of the time.

Leticia Fri 04-Nov-16 23:34:41

I can't see why you expected her to stay close. Most people have children who move away. Be thankful they are not emigrating! I am about that distance from my mother, we still see each other and speak daily now that she is elderly.

Leticia Fri 04-Nov-16 23:35:33

You do need to keep your feelings firmly to yourself and not make her feel guilty.

phoenix Sat 05-Nov-16 00:01:26

"Children, friends and lovers,
you've got to hold them while you can,
you might just turn around and find they've gone,
don't build your life around them,
for they might have other plans,
just remember that and hold them while you can"

cornergran Sat 05-Nov-16 00:41:19

susie I can understand your distress, particularly with a new baby on the horizon. I'm not sure if you have a husband or partner. Does this mean you will have no family close by? Are you fit and well? Any change takes adjustment, particularly a change not of our choosing. You need time to adjust. I still feel sad for my own parents who experienced us moving away from them. My mother was very tearful as we left, I drove away from her with tears pouring down my face because of her distress. So, if you can please hold onto your sadness. Instead be interested in the new location, perhaps plan with your daughter how you can travel to visit, particularly when the baby arrives. She will need your help if you are able to give it. Others have made really helpful suggestions from experience. Skype, FaceTime, What's App, cards, letters, email and the phone are all available to you. Your grandson will love using technology to talk to you and also love cards just for him through the post. We didn't lose closeness with my parents, they still knew their grandchildren, just differently until we could be closer geographically again. We were never geographically close to my mother in law, a widow when I met Mr C, travelling was hard back then but we managed and our children loved her. Their relationship was strong. There will be positives once the shock has passed. Plan that first visit and try to be happy for them.

BlueBelle Sat 05-Nov-16 05:55:28

Please do remember 250 miles is round the corner to a lot of us I would love my family to be 250 miles away instead of 11,600
Try to look on this with a great deal of positivity it may not be half as bad as you think, you are at the moment very shocked, be kind to yourself, but don't cling to your daughter telling her how awful it will be for you, let her fly with your blessings We can't keep our kids in little cages Start planning your first holiday and it will all seem less daunting , the grandkids will adore Nannys visits, can you even help with the move ? Good luck

sunseeker Sat 05-Nov-16 09:33:43

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Her daughter's husband had to move for his job. She had a huge argument with him accusing him of taking HER family away from her (there was also a grandchild). This put her daughter in the middle having to chose between her mother and her husband. The relationship has never been the same since. You have to accept that whilst she will always be your child she has a life of her own the live.

Teetime Sat 05-Nov-16 12:20:17

suziboxer I am so sorry for you and in this case I do know how it feels as the same thing happened to me a couple of years ago and I cried for days. It wasn't because they were all I had in my life or because I had built my world around them it was purely and simply because I would miss them and I worried for them because they didn't really want to go but had to or her husband would have been out of work. It does however settle down and you find ways to schedule in visits and in our case we have found some half way points and central points to meet up for day trips. I see you say that your daughter is excited so at least you wont worry about her being unhappy. I'm sure the very low way you are feeling will get better and although I don't suppose you will ever be glad about it you will come to terms with it naturally without antidepressants but give yourself time to adjust. Lots of us on here are missing our families so its lovely to have a forum where we can share and get support. Best wishes. flowers

rubylady Sun 06-Nov-16 06:28:05

Maybe suzi can't travel 200 miles to see her DD and grandchildren? I wouldn't be able to travel to see mine, and she is only 60 miles away. Not so much the mobility, but the energy and pain levels, I would be exhausted just getting there. Not everyone is fit and healthy to travel that far.

I moved within the same area of my parents and across the road at one time for a good while. I have never been out of area from them. Maybe suzi is similar and would love her family to stay close. It's hard when they don't want to. Not everyone also wants to have their life outside the family. I really feel for you suzi. Could you not move closer too? flowers

rubylady Sun 06-Nov-16 06:28:42

Sorry Susie X

radicalnan Sun 06-Nov-16 09:50:56

It is tough. I have had to live with it and am glad mine are only a few hundred miles rather than abroad not sure how I would cope if they moved to Australia but it is their choice.

Research the cheapest ways of getting to see them, National Express does some really cheap deals, and you don't have to pay for yourself every time let them treat you.

Skype is good and phones of course but the reality is that grand children grow up and move away from us even if they live around the corner........BUT our own children seem to catch us up as their children go off to uni or move away. Life is like a Kaliedescope we are all in the same lovely pattern but shift around a bit.....

Nothing lasts forever,not even your own life.

Sparkles Sun 06-Nov-16 09:52:20

I understand, but I was the one that moved away and I have more special time with the grandchildren than I did before, I used to meet them from school sometimes and babysit sometimes but did not have the special times that goes over a few days that we have when they come here. Also - if you keep with your present state of mind they could feel that you may become a nuisance and you will not only spoil their happiness but spoil your chances of being regularly invited or asking to go and being welcome. Keep you pecker up and think more of them and less about yourself