Help/advice Re sister in law.

She's lost a child.

My best friend some years ago went into a depression and couldn't even talk to me on the phone I sent her little letters regularly and did get answers it went on for over a year and since then she has told me how much she appreciated the letters as they were almost all she had or could tolerate of the outside world We are fine now and go out for lunch every few weeks as if nothing had ever happened

I too had this with a friend who I have know for over 50 yrs. She told me her husband had been diagnosed with cancer, she stopped I taking calls, texts, emails. 9 months later when everything was sorted, she came back to me and it was never spoken about.

I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed that you don't want to talk to people, especially the ones who care the most. One withdraws in order to cope. Bit like just ramming a lid down and sitting tight. Perhaps that's what's happening with your sis-inlaw, kitty

Either Dh or I will be talking to her Dh on a regular basis so the opportunity will be there. I think she maybe will talk when she can do it without her dh overhearing as it's his on going problems are the issue.

kitty it hurts to feel rebuffed when all you want to do is help someone you've obviously been close to for many years. Just keep telling her you care about her and be there for her when she reaches out. After such a long relationship you are obviously feeling her sadness too and would benefit from talking together but I think you just have to reassure her of your love and wait till she comes to you. (((hugs)))

Agree, jane, just leave her be kitty, she knows where you are and she knows you care. It sounds as if you are very different people and her way will be different to yours. Give it a couple of weeks, if she still won't talk send a card and just wait. You can't do more.

kitty sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

It's good that you have supportive friends almond

Talking for myself - I've had some difficult times in recent years and really try to avoid speaking with anyone because I just don't have any resources left. What has been really helpful is messages from people saying hello, thinking about you, I'm here if you need me. It always feels so supportive. I feel cared for.

same thing happened to me at the weekend

'Lots of love darling' she shouted but didn't speak to me

I've resurrected this because it's happened again.

I had an email about a week ago saying that DBil's op had been cancelled and that he was really fed up. I rang a couple of days later and left a message on their answerphone Drsaying we were sorry etc and that I'd try calling back. I got a message on our answerphone yesterday with my sil sounding quite upbeat. I rang today, had a good chat with a very fed up brother in law. I asked to speak to my sil who shouted, 'sending lots of love dear' and that was that.

She has apparently fallen out with her remaining son too.

What do I do now?

Alot of good answers here, Perhaps she has withrawn into herself, and that is VERY understandable, or as Daphne says, perhaps she is being overprotected. People deal with Grief in their own ways. All you can do is to keep the channels open...keep shining that light down the tunnel, and one day...when she is ready I am sure she will walk within reach again

Glad to hear that Kitty x

That's good news. Your SiL obviously knows you care about her and what she's going through.

That's better kitty, if you go with your instinct you get it right. Pleased for you.

Kitty ...I'm so glad you've heard from your sis-in-law. x

I have just had an email from my sister in law, in reply to mine, saying 'i love you, thank you for caring!' i hope that's good!!

Thank you all for letting me 'talk'.

I have a few years to go to reach SIL's age but if one of my children had died a year or so ago I would probably be still unhinged with grief-why my child not me sort of thing. I think Thatbags idea of a weekly postcard is a good idea. It wouldn't need a reply but let her know she is in your thoughts- little pin pricks of light in a very dark sky.

I think a nice card sounds lovely but I also agree with a previous poster who suggested sending her a David Austen rose as she obviously enjoys gardening.
It's the right time to plant the bare root ones and they have an enormous selection to choose from on their website.
Maybe look for one with a colour/name that would resonate with your SIL?
My DIL sent us 2 last year and we've enjoyed seeing them flower so much that we've sent for the catalogue and ordered some more this year. We live in Ireland so you don't get many English rose plants in the local garden centres.

I was wondering if your BIL was being unnecessarily over- protective of her?
Perhaps also she is just finding it hard to talk about things, however close or caring the caller or welcome the sympathy. Some people are best with their plants, their dogs/horses, the open air or solitude. You are doing the right thing by trying and by not taking it personally.

She does use gardening as an escape but her husband did go and tell her I was on the phone. DBiL is not the sensitive type and it wouldn't register that she was unhappy.

I hope I haven't given the impression that she is being deliberately rude. She can be thoughtless but her behaviour is 'odder' than usual.

As I said before, she is the nearest thing I have to a sister and we have rubbed along for almost 50 years but she doesn't seem herself or she is just bored by my conversation!

kitty this may sound a bit odd but I wonder if your sil uses her greenhouse as a sanctuary and has given her husband a direct or unspoken message that she is not to be disturbed in there? If so your email is just right, maybe when your husband phones his brother asking when is a good time for you to phone could get a positive result? She sounds like so many of us, better face to face than by phone. Hope it works out, you sound worried about her as well as understandably frustrated.

What a sensible suggestion Jane

Ah!
Well in that case, perhaps next time SiL is 'unavailable' when you ring, you could specifically ask BiL to ask her to ring you back as its a long time since you had a chat.