My dad's elderly neighbour. Dilemma.

Although gillybob, you could mention to the relevant council officer that there is no wallpaper on the walls, etc., you cannot ask 'why'. It is actually none of your business. Let someone know about the situation and how it affects your father and then let them get on with it unless, of course, you are prepared to offer help. It is no criticism if you are not; you may well have enough to do looking after your father.

does she have proper furniture [even if a bit worn?]She is probably turning the heating down, trying to save money [even if she has no need to do this, many do.]

gilly I think that you and your Father are doing all that is possible and she does have food in the house and carer visits.You could ask SS why she has no wallpaper or curtains [ an old sheet at the window]and perhaps they could check that she does have some cash in the house?It's really doubtful that you can do much more, but you may feel better if you bring these concerns out in the open.
We rarely know all the facts about family situations.

I really don't think you should be so judgemental about the son. I am afraid you can have no idea what he is or isn't doing to help his mother and it appears there are already carers going in who will know a great deal more about the position than you do.

It is really of no consequence if her son lives in a "VERY posh house in a VERY nice village". Or how many times he visits. It sounds as if her has Power of Attorney and if so that implies some loss of capacity as does the fact that she cannot cook her own meal. Being the main support to anyone is something you can only get wrong however much you try to get it right and it sounds as if she may well have some form of dementia. People with dementia are, as one of my mother's carer once commented, very convincing. This is because they believe what they are telling you but that does not make it true.

Over Christmas I had a call from some friends of my mothers - neighbours from long ago, as she had thanked them for the flowers they sent her when they rang. They had actually sent her a cardigan. The very kind friend said they had noticed she "gets a little muddled" and seemed very shocked when I explained that she had been diagnosed with dementia five years ago. Mum has managed very well and she has always been a kind person but it has not stopped her complaining to a neighbour that I was trying to put her in a home - the complete opposite of what we have been doing. I also don't let mum have too much cash as, as well as squirrelling it away someone could take it from her - she wouldn't really be able to work out what should be paid - or she might well forget to pay someone or pay the wrong amount as the value of money has now disappeared so most of her bills are paid directly by me from her bank account including the Wiltshire Farm Foods frozen meals which have allowed her to stay in her home and care for herself up 'till now.

You say she used to be very tidy - so did my mother. She still has her hair done each week but sometimes she has dinner down her cardigan. It is extremely difficult to get her to let me do her washing as she believes she still can. I used to insist on finding her a clean one and then just taking the other away but it is verging on cruel and who cares but me and the outside world. To be honest I would rather she wasn't made anxious and I can scoop things up often enough to take them and wash them so that we stay on the right side of not brilliant but OK. It is hugely difficult and he is almost certainly doing the best he can even if it is not what you believe you would do in the same circumstances.

You ask what you can do. Firstly, your concern is with your father. It sounds as if these are local authority houses so it may be worth contacting them - they may decide to put in more care which would probably help. Otherwise you could ask the son if there is anything you can do to help. If you don't want to do that then I suggest you leave well alone other than, as I said, taking responsibility for your father.

Sadly in many areas meals on wheels are frozen meals in the freezer her son stocks up. Rememv

If she is 'with it' as you say, you could suggest Meals On Wheels. She might need help with applying, but it's relatively straight forward to do. This would ensure she has at least one good meal a day.

Age Concern could arrange to have a volunteer visitor to call in and chat with her which might alleviate some of her lonelines.

Either contact social services or the LA housing officer they will investigate what is happening to this poor lady. Good luck, it is not easy being in this position.

I'm so sorry the elderly lady is scared of being in a Residential Home. My mum fought against it but once she was there she ate properly and gained weight. She was only 5 stone when she went to live there and soon became a healthy 8 and a half stone. She said she liked the sounds of people all around her. I would have liked to have had her live with me but she was impossible to cope with.

As the elderly lady in the OP doesn't seem to have dementia the chances of finding a place in A Residential Home are small, at least that was my experience quite a few years ago. I think she does need to see a doctor. Some of my mum's confusion was caused by a urine infection and when that was sorted out she was much better.

Very difficult situation.
The thing with people remaining in their own homes, with community "care" is that this is very often the result. My mums carers flew in one door and out of the other. Its far from ideal.
Its all so sad..

First of all I would like to thank everyone for their helpful comments and their care and concern. Update; I don't think the old lady has dementia. She is very old and frail and has very poor eyesight but I am sure she is quite "with it" and has a wonderful sense of humour. I don't think she is being abused, as such, but I do feel like she is being neglected. She told me yesterday that she hadn't seen her son for nearly two weeks which seems to be normal for him. I have spoken with two of her daily carers who see her 3 times a day (btw they only stay about 10 minutes) who tell me that the son has been and stocked the fridge and freezer up with ready meals. Both me and my dad run errands for her during the week bringing her much loved pies, fresh bread etc. My dad and I have chatted with her and she says she is lonely. She says her son is a very busy man (doing what? I have no idea, he doesn't work). She has 2 granddaughters (one she sees occasionally, as in maybe 4-5 times a year) and the other she never sees. I asked her straight out if she would like to go into a residential home for company and she said an absolute NO. She says she values living in her own place until she "goes". Yesterday her bungalow was warm (for a change) and I have asked the carer to check it every day which she said she will. Still haven't managed to get a phone number for the son (I think he is deliberately keeping it from her) but did leave him a note expressing my concern (with my mobile number)which has disappeared, but no reply. In the note I mentioned being worried about his mum, the cold bungalow, the lack of food and the poor state of the bungalow following the modernisation. I also asked that she should have a little money as (without being too blunt) she very rarely pays either me or my dad for shopping and says that she does not have any money in the house. I am not sure what else I can do now other than keep looking in on her. Doing a bit of shopping etc. I don't think I could live with myself if she was carted off into a horrible LA home against her wishes. She reminds me so much of my late grandma whom I adored (although she has a better sense of humour then my grandma did). I wish I could catch the son and speak to him face to face although he will probably tell me to mind my own business.

Whether the lady is confused or there are bad things going on, its clear that intervention is needed
Please dont turn a blind eye.
Its in everyone's interests to find the right kind of help.

I would tread lightly as you don't really know what is going on. I would perhaps contact the social services anonymously to see if they can assess discretely.

Are you sure that she is hungry/ignored or does she have dementia has just forgotten? - my mother would tell people all sorts of things - many similar to this lady that were not true
- she used to say that no-one was taking care of her - she would forget about the 5 daily visits (2 family, 3 carer)- it was quite upsetting to my DB that she would tell people she hadn't seen him for weeks when he was visiting daily
- she would say that she hadn't eaten when it was quite clear she had - bowls in sink/packets in bin etc
- she would dial 999 and say she had been abandoned - forgetting about the 5 daily visits. It cost a lot to have the door repaired after the police knocked it down following one of these calls when DB could have been around in 5 mins with the key
- DB used to look after her money and pay her bills etc after she became confused - she would tell people she had no money but there was always around £30 in her purse - we decided to do this as she was vulnerable and kept flashing her money around - she once gave a carer £200 from her purse to treat themselves

Possibly this woman's cognition is declining and she cannot remember how to do things like make tea etc anymore.

Sometimes it is difficult for the family and elderly person to accept that they need more care and possibly residential care

The thing is you know she is hungry and you know her house is sometimes very cold. If the elderly woman's son has control of her finances and is using her money to feather his own nest she will be just a nuisance to him. How dare he get angry because a neighbour has pulled him up on his neglect.

Please contact the authorities gillybob, this is Elder Abuse and this woman needs your help.

I too think that you should contact the Safeguarding team at the Council.
I think it quite possible that the old lady is slightly demented, and getting things muddled but the Safeguarding Team are the ones to investigate. If the son is being unpleasant, it will be a shot across his bows.

Some will disagree, but I would do it anonymously and not tell your father. If anyone accuses him of meddling, he can say truthfully that he didn't report it, and will look genuinely surprised!

This is a real problem. It sounds as if the elderly lady has dementia. My mother was behaving in a very similar way. I did absolutely all I could for her but I knew all the neighbours were talking behind my back. Mum accused me of all sort of things including taking her pension book. All the food I bought in for her was thrown down the rubbish shute.

All the advice given is very good but of course you need to tread very carefully indeed. The poor lady does need medical help. She may have a urine infection or thyroid problems as well as a possible dementia.

My neighbour went the same way and I was very careful not to step on her sons' toes but I did once have to put her false teeth in.

You said she had Carers calling in. I know they have to report anything worrying when they visit. Maybe you could talk to them?

Good luck with this. The poor lady obviously needs help.

Maybe the GP could contact social care if you know who she is registered with?

www.sunderland.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=7618
There is a form on line if you want. It is worth it.

I was concerned about an elderly neighbour a couple of years ago. A very unpleasant woman but I felt she was not being treated well. The police certainly in the northeast Gillybob have a system where you can report anonymously your concerns . I'll look up my old file but please report it. Sometimes people need care .

Such a difficult one to judge but like many people on here say!! better to do something rather than nothing.
The son reminds me of my con man of a ex brother and sister in law, they controlled everything ,no one knew anything and when you asked they got nasty,even getting my mum to create a new will despite her having one she was happy with and how dare he would get nasty with you!! when you are helping this old lady ,contact social services today, the son is a narcissist just like my ex in laws .

Whether this woman has been a good or bad person in the past, whether her family care for her or not, on a purely human basis, this is a very elderly woman who is no longer able to cope alone. She needs help and probably should be in care.

It is the responsibility of the Local Authority to make sure she is properly cared for when she can no longer look after herself.That applies whether she is lonely and friendless, has a loving family, or one that seems to be exploiting her.

We have no idea about this woman's relationship with her family, so my advice is to go carefully. The family could have had a terrible time with this woman in the past and there is no obligation for them to look after her. She may be confused about her money. My MIL is 87 and is a manipulative, nasty old woman who only recently accused us of stealing a range of really expensive jewellery she has. She found it later but didn't see fit to apologise. I've shared this, just so to highlight that there are always two sides to every story.

I feel for you and especially your dad. I would contact social services but not blame the son for anything. The old lady needs a social worker to help her access more services.

Br0adwater has given you good advice. Get in touch with the Housing Officer. It's unlikely that the son will suspect anything, unlike calling Social Services. My goodness - well into her 90's you say. It sounds as though she really needs you to help. I'd call if I were you, for the sake of your dad as much as the lady next door. Good luck.

As broawater says , please don`t just leave this .

YOU MUST HELP

Speak to the relevant housing officer at the LA anonymously. They have a Safeguarding policy and will act on an anonymous tip off. You don't want to look back one day and wish you'd done something.