help me i havent bonded with gc number 7

I'm still adjusting to having my daughter. I think I bonded with her about 10 years ago, and she is 34!

In "real life" this is often where one of the children gets labelled "difficult" (for life) by a grandmother who has no insight into her struggle to bond.

I think this happens a lot, but gets rationalised away, sometimes by blaming the child's character. Which just makes it worse not better as the child grows.

You're not doing that OP, so you're already 99% of the way there! x

All my time is given to GD! How the hell am I going to make time for GS?" but of course you do

No. Not everyone does. But I think you will otherwise you wouldn't have posted this .

My son married a single mum with two very young children, one was only 3 months old when I met her and I just fell in love with her. He has gone on to have 3 more children whom I love to bits and have a very close relationship with but No 2 will always have a special place even though she is not blood related. Just give it time and relax!

Thanks Elegran that is very reassuring.

SallyDapp amazing! x 27!

Thankyou Christine
I strongly believe that being adopted shouldn't make any difference but some of the older generation just can't get past the feeling that adopted children are not part of the family. My dd adopted one of my 'babies', she couldn't be any more loved by the entire family than the 'blood' ones.

I didn't warm to GS2 for quite a while. I didn't see as much of him as I did of GS1 and I just didn't feel that close connection. 4 years on he is absolutely the light of my life and we have great fun together.

Sara I do have other GS but as someone posted earlier re their GCs they live further away and so not so much contact.

To everyone else thank you all so much. Such wise words and I feel so much better. I'm confident now after reading all your posts that once he is more alert and smiling with his own little personality I will feel differently. I see now as others have said you put so much into that special GC relationship it kind of throws you when another GC comes along and your emotions throw their hands up in horror and go "What?! All my time is given to GD! How the hell am I going to make time for GS?" but of course you do. Thanks everyone

p.s. I don't believe that she was doing it purely because she genuinely believed it would be good for DD1 to be spoiled while the baby ignored. I could see she didn't love DD2 instantly the way she had loved DD1, you could see it when she held her. I just wish she'ld had it in her to do the decent thing and fake it till it came. Now it'll probably never come.

agree with Marionk

If you're a nice person, which I think you might be because you are insightful about your feelings and worried about them, FAKE IT till you make it!

My mother reacted to the birth of my second by OTT spoiling my first, saying it was so that she didn't "feel pushed aside by the baby". It was awful not just for me as a new mum (whose baby was being ignored) but also awful for DD1, who had/has a great bond with DD2 but found her grandmothers very obvious favouritism confusing, and she began to act out towards the baby after Nanna had been to visit (she didn't usually act out to her, I think she was copying Nanna as someone that she looks up to, she could see Nanna making a point of turning all attention away from DD2 and onto DD1)

It never improved, we ended up seeing less of her because (amongst other reasons) she may think she was doing DD1 a favour by treating her "specially" and not making a fuss of the baby, but actually it confused DD1 (who was otherwise besotted with new little sister) and I didn't want it to affect DD1s fabulous bond with DD2..

Erzulie Do you have other grandsons or is this the first male grandchild I adore the girls in my family and often wonder if I had a grandson how I would feel.

I thought I could ever love another child as much as my first grandson - still adore him and he's 15 (not a lovable age really!) However his gorgeous sister arrived 11 years later and I just fell for her hook line and sinker. I still feel a special bond with my grandson though.
As other posters have said I'm sure it will come in time, though you may always feel that special bond with your grand daughter.

I remember a friend talking about her two gc both boys she said the eldest is my favourite I felt quite sad about that, why do some people have to have a favourite surely you treat them all the same. I only have a gd so she is the light of my life but if I had more I would feel the same way about them.

Lovely post SallyDapp you have a good heart.

I was adopted and my maternal grandparents would have nothing to do with me because I was born illegitimate. Thank goodness tines have changed.

Pretend, act, it won't take long before you don't need to. I fostered 27 babies, not all of them were important to me when they arrived but they all had a place in my heart by the time they left, they all took some of my heart with them and each one was loved and missed.

All the theoretical talk about "bonding" strikes me as a reflection of the amount of inward focus there is at the moment.

It is there in art exhibitions - all exhibitions seem to come now with a long explanation by the artist of all the inner turmoil and angst they feel which is being expressed in their work. I don't think Van Gogh or Rembrandt or Picasso felt it necessary to write a monologue to accompany their paintings. The works themselves conveyed the emotions, verbal explanations were superfluous.

It is in interviews with the survivors of disasters - the microphone shoved under the nose and the breathless "How did that make you feel?" "How the hell do you think I felt?," is the only possible answer!

You can love a child, like a child, tenderly look after it, rejoice when it thrives, worry if it doesn't, grieve if it is one of the thankfully few who don't survive, all without going to the intellectual process of studying a textbook by a psychologist on the necessity of bonding. Just DO it.

The issue of 'bonding' is relatively modern, I believe. I have no idea if it occurred to either of my Victorian grannies that they should 'bond' with any of us. One granny lived round the corner so was often involved with us as children, but I'm sure that none of us or our cousins felt specially 'bonded'. I met each of my GC on Day 1 and was privileged to be able to hold and cuddle them. I adore them all. No-one suggested that I should bond with them.
If the OP obsesses about this issue, perhaps it won't ever happen. Stop being anxious about it. After all, he is just new born.

I have to confess I am not mad about my 1st GD. Having said that I am not alone as she was a very difficult baby & even more difficult toddler/child. At 8 she is still a handful- very wilful. I always thought it was because I wasn't used to girls but my 2nd GD is a sweetheart.
Not all children are perfect angels although she is very good at school apparently. Let's face it there are some people you just can't take to.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE her but I find liking her a bit of a trial at times.
Don't beat yourself up about it- as they get older it is easier to find things you can enjoy together.

Fake it and fake it well, my mother made it very clear that she never wanted me to have a second child and then when it turned out to be a boy!! She ignored him for quite an age, doting on my DD and although she is long dead I still resent her for it! Hopefully you won't have to fake it for long, once his little personality begins to shine through things might well change for the better

It will happen in time. I bonded with my own 3 children at different tines for each one. One was instant yet one of the other the took several months. Now all 3 are grown I am equally devoted to them all. I'd give my life for them. So if it's like this for your own, it's surely the same for your grandchildren.

Why should we expect love to be immediate, erzulie? I always say the fun time is 'once they get their batteries in' (at around 6 months) and then their character shines through. I do hope it will be that way for you.

Don't try to 'bond', just accept a new member of the family. He's here, he's real and just as deserving of love, care, and protection as any other newborn baby. It's all about this new little life, not about how us older people feel.

for you Marnie and a sympathetic hug. I have found this thread very interesting and perceptive - one of our GC is much loved but not a particularly easy child. I am trying to regard him as an interesting challenge/project to try and develop a strong bond/relationship (rather than look negatively at his behaviour/attitude). He will be a teenager in 5 years and I don't think that is going to be an easy ride! Sorry this is a bit off topic but what I am trying to say is the little ones are always innocent, my attitude is what I have to try to change.

I have just had a new second GC too. Can't say I have bonded with him yet, I am leaving him to Mommy while I concentrate on helping with my adorable 2 year old GD. I know I will be hooked when he starts to sleep and feed less and smile and look around more !