Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

help me i havent bonded with gc number 7

(61 Posts)
erzulie Mon 05-Dec-16 23:50:57

I don't know why or how but I haven't had any feelings for this newborn child. He is the 2nd child of my DD. Her first child (my GD) is the light of my life. She is beautiful, funny, intelligent, happy, just wonderful. Why can't I feel anything for this second child?

MissAdventure Mon 05-Dec-16 23:53:52

Maybe it will take time?
Making friends, falling in love, lots of things happen in different ways.
I'm sure it will happen.

erzulie Tue 06-Dec-16 00:08:34

Thanks Miss I hope it will

BlueBelle Tue 06-Dec-16 09:24:40

Oh dear very honest of you but how sad, it sounds as if you have so much invested in the golden granddaughter that there will be no room for the little chap I truely hope you allow this to change even if you don't feel the same rush of love ...I knew a family who's girl was the apple of everyone's eye the new baby boy that came along could not find a place to ever shine always the also ran in my opinion not good for either of them
Maybe you just need to push yourself to love him and it will flow with time if he is very tiny it may come with interaction the first smile, the first giggle, the holding out of arms hopefully you will then melt

Anya Tue 06-Dec-16 09:53:58

erzulie for reasons I don't want to go into on here I didn't want another GS. When GS3 was born I couldn't feel anything for him at all. I held him, fed him, looked after him when mum went back to work. Nothing.

I didn't tell anyone, how could I?

Then one day when he was six months old and I was feeding him his bottle, he suddenly looked me straight in the eyes and gave me the biggest smile and suddenly, all the hurt, the pain, the resentment fell away and in that moment we at last bonded.

Give it time.

Disgruntled Tue 06-Dec-16 10:29:18

erzulie I agree with the others: give it time. Maybe the first one will always be special, but other can be special in different ways. One day he'll grab hold of your heart and flip it over. I didn't bond straight away with my 2nd granddaughter, maybe for similar reasons - I'd invested so much in the first and felt protective towards her - poor thing! I thought she'd be so jealous of this intruder, but actually it seems as though, if anything, the 2nd is jealous of the first one!!!

LadyGracie Tue 06-Dec-16 10:31:08

How wonderful, Anya

Samie Tue 06-Dec-16 10:31:10

You'll be fine once he develops his own little character

silverlining48 Tue 06-Dec-16 10:32:46

Early days, do give it time.
relax, it will happen, there is love enough.

ValC Tue 06-Dec-16 10:37:53

erzulie, I too had this problem with my second granddaughter. I absolutely adored my first (her elder sister) I too looked after them when mum was working and although I couldn't show it it took me a long long time to bond with her. Her next sister I bonded with straight away so i couldn't understand what was so different with the middle one. Now of course I love her to bits and take all 3 of them away every year on my own to Wales and have a really good time together. It will come, it may just take time.

Gagagran Tue 06-Dec-16 10:38:10

Well I empathise wholeheartedly with the OP. I too had a grandchild who I could not feel any real love for try as I might. She's 11 now and I am still trying! I have cared for her and shown her affection and attention like her sister (who I adore) and agonised over why I could not switch on the love button. I admire lots of things about her - and tell her how proud I am of her. But....

I have come to accept that it is not a tap that can be turned on at will and I live with the guilty feeling of what I should be feeling but just don't.

dizzygran Tue 06-Dec-16 10:40:51

I agree with previous posts - give yourself some time. I love and adore all of my grandchildren but have a special place in my heart for my first one. There is lots of love to go around - the more you give the more you get back. Just give lots of hugs and cuddles and wait and see.

Rosina Tue 06-Dec-16 10:41:49

I told my 3 year old GD that her Mummy and Daddy would have as much love for her as they ever had when her little brother was born, that we all loved her with all our hearts and we would love him in the same way because there is always enough love to go round. I didn't bond with my children at once - it took time, as falling in love does for some people, although some have love at first sight. We area all different, and perhaps because you first GC is everything that is lovely, and the baby is the usual pink blob that just howls and smells, it will take time and some smiles from him to get you both in love!

blueberry1 Tue 06-Dec-16 10:41:58

I agree with the wait and see approach.After all,some new mothers do not bond with their babies straight away,though it must be hard to admit this to anyone.You have been honest with yourself,leave it at that and bide your time.

radicalnan Tue 06-Dec-16 10:44:36

The walking, talking GD is of course a miracle and the new one is a little dull by comparison but soon, as everyone else says, you will fall in love with him. Nothing like two miracles is there to make life worth living.

Christinefrance Tue 06-Dec-16 10:45:54

That is sad gagagran
erzulie don't try too hard just relax and enjoy having a baby around, don't overthink things. I am not at ease with tiny babies but love it when their characters start to develop and you will too. Love is elastic and will stretch to cover all your grandchildren. As others have said give it time and don't stress about it.

Diddy1 Tue 06-Dec-16 10:48:01

Poor little mite, I am sure he will soon melt your heart, I hope so, he needs his Grandmothers love too.

Teddy123 Tue 06-Dec-16 10:49:47

I don't find your experience unusual ...... You should try not to worry about the situation. Love takes time.

I only have 2 grandchildren. The first is my daughters 4 year old son and to my surprise I adored him at first sight. I am very involved in his life.

My sons daughter was born a few months ago and there is a subtle difference. But I expected this since they live further away etc and my DIL's parents are on their doorstep so naturally we have less involvement.

I love her because she's my son's and that's about it. I'm just delighted she looks like my son!!
We were up there last weekend and I realised the bond was different second time around. I'm patient!

I know my mother had her 'favourites' amongst the grandchildren and had no problem with that. It's human nature so worry not!

My new grand daughter is, however, the most contented little person and I'm happy that my son is soooooo happy and such a loving father. 👶👶👶👶👶👶👶👶

icanhandthemback Tue 06-Dec-16 11:01:18

I have a GC who is 5 and I try very hard to love him but he is so like his father, I find it hard. I have very good reasons for not liking SIL (nobody in our family does but we all keep it well hidden) but I know that it is not fair on said GC to feel this way. However, I do try very hard not to show it, I would never be unkind or unfair to him and I must be succeeding because he apparently adores me!

titleyann Tue 06-Dec-16 11:02:30

Erzulie just a word of warning... When my second daughter was born my mother in law did not bond with her very well. She continually favoured my oldest daughter and continually left out my youngest. My youngest although she did not show it suffered for many years and feels very bitter about it even now they are not very close. My youngest keeps her distance now so she doesn't feel hurt. History is repeating and I have two great granddaughters. Once again she is favouring the oldest. I know it is hard to spend time with the baby when you have an active toddler running around but please find some extra time to cuddle and adore the second child. You will soon bond with this child and have the pleasure and love from both.

Nain9bach Tue 06-Dec-16 11:06:09

We're human - we cannot feel love for every single individual in our lives.

However, as others have said give it time. BUT do not feel guilty in the meantime just enjoy the time you spend with the grand children.

Lilyflower Tue 06-Dec-16 11:36:17

If you don't make the effort to show an equal regard for each grandchild you could put an irreparable barrier between them. My mother is a harbourer of favourites and she shows her preference for the eldest of her two daughters' children most obviously. She only ever asks about the eldests and, when challenged, she doesn't bother hiding her views but says, 'But I remember holding them as babies' instead of pretending equal love for all.

The others hate and resent it. She has taught my sister's children to do the same though I wouldn't have it with mine.

bellsisabelle Tue 06-Dec-16 11:38:32

Spend all the time you can with him. Perhaps something will switch on.

starlily106 Tue 06-Dec-16 11:48:03

I have a cousin who didn't bond with her middle of 3 grand.sons

starlily106 Tue 06-Dec-16 11:51:40

Sorry didn't finish post.
Then suddenly he became the favourite, just happened almost overnight. So don't worry to much about it, as has been said already, it will happen.