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(15 Posts)
Angib Wed 07-Dec-16 10:13:24

My mother lived with us for over 20 years but when we decided to move to another county to be near my daughter she refused to move with us and decided to move in with my brother. Things became very difficult between us and she even took out a high court injunction to try to prevent us moving. To cut a long story short my husband doesn't want anything more do with her, she hates where she's living and I am angry with her but can't help feeling guilty and sorry for her. We have struck up a tentative relationship over the phone as I can't bear to think I'd never speak to her again but at the back of my mind is always she brought this on herself as she could have moved with us. How can I stop feeling guilty all the time.

mumofmadboys Wed 07-Dec-16 10:19:09

You have done brilliantly to have your mum living with you for twenty years. Is she now living with your brother? Don't feel guilty. This is now your time- for you and your DH and family. Keep in touch with your Mum and hopefully rifts will heal.Don't let her make you feel guilty. Be kind but firm. I repeat you are an absolute star to have your mum living with you for 20 years!xx

Christinefrance Wed 07-Dec-16 10:21:16

You can't stop feeling guilty think it's a built in thing for women especially mothers.
You can try slowly to build bridges but don't let it take over. You are entitled to your own life , your mother had the option of coming with you and chose not to. Operative word ' chose ' you are not responsible for her decision. Please don't waste time worrying about this, enjoy time with your family as that is why you moved.
Bon courage

Jane10 Wed 07-Dec-16 13:35:26

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty. You've done well by her. She must have moved in with you when still quite young. Very forbearing of your DH unless it was her house. At least you're back in contact again. She most likely misses you more than you miss her! There's a chink of light. Take it slowly and I'm sure relationships will improve. Good lucksmile

J52 Wed 07-Dec-16 14:01:06

Definitely don't feel guilty. My mother did the reverse and went to live abroad, with no backward look or concern towards small GCs.

Mother are adults and are free to make choices and have to live with the consequences. Keep the communication route open, I hope it goes well.

Unfortunately my mother realised her mistake, too late in old age.

Lillie Wed 07-Dec-16 15:10:30

As Jane10 says, your mum must have been still quite young when she moved in with you. Is it possible that in the last 20 years you have benefited a lot from her presence - childminding, house keeping, paying a share of the bills etc? Is your brother now the one having to care for her in her old age?
What were her reasons for not wanting to move abroad? Maybe she just felt too old and tired, you can't reproach her for that.

mumofmadboys Wed 07-Dec-16 16:41:59

I think it was a different county not country!

Lillie Wed 07-Dec-16 16:44:24

Oops yes, county, sorry. Hmm that's a bit different then.

janeainsworth Wed 07-Dec-16 17:23:48

Your mother took out a high court injunction to stop you moving Angib?
Is there slightly more to this tale than you've told us so far?

f77ms Wed 07-Dec-16 17:30:26

Could you give her the chance to move in with you again or has it gone past that . Very odd to take out an injunction , on what grounds ?

Angib Fri 16-Dec-16 11:10:52

She took out an injunction after persuasion from my SIL that as she had lived with us for 20 years she was entitled to some profit from the sale of the house. She moved in with us in her late fifties after what my husband called a lot of emotional blackmail following the death of my father saying she couldn't cope on her own. She has never contributed to any of the household bills. We were more than happy for her to move with us as we had a good relationship but she was adamant she wouldn't move.

vampirequeen Fri 16-Dec-16 11:26:53

You've done your bit. She threw it in your face. Now it's your brother's turn.

Was the SIL who persuaded her to take out the injunction the same one that she's living with now? If so, smacks of an ulterior motive.

My mam and I both agree that she will never come to live with me because it would be a toss up as to who killed who first.

Angib Fri 16-Dec-16 11:44:38

SIL = sister in law

harrigran Fri 16-Dec-16 13:52:14

Surely no court would allow someone to profit when they have not contributed a penny. Your DH has the right idea, you do not need people with issues.

Angib Fri 16-Dec-16 16:03:49

Exactly and our solicitor also said we could have counter sued for rent she should have paid over the years but we just let it drop because we didn't want to continue the unpleasantness.