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Eldest Grandchild

(12 Posts)
Sugarpufffairy Fri 16-Dec-16 21:23:30

Many years ago my adult child was in a very violent relationship. The partner was in and out of jail. There was drink and drugs involved too.
One day the violence erupted and one of the children in particular was so severely beaten by one of the parents that it was almost fatal.
One of the grandparents who had a partner said that they would take the children for a week's holiday. Between those grandparents and the Social Services seemed to have ganged up to exclude the other parent and that side of the family.
The parent who was violent was convicted of the assault but did not as I recall get a sentence suitable to the crime.
It is now years later and one of the children has been dumped by the grandparent (whose partner is no longer present). I had heard about this through the grapevine and contacted Social Services. I have sent cards to the child never knowing if they were actually received by the child from those who run the Childrens Home. I am aware that the grandparents did not pass on Birthday and Christmas cards to the children.
In the last few days I have had calls from the Childrens Home claiming to have made a mistake about who they intended to phone. They have informed me that the child has spent weeks with the convicted violent parent.
Social Services have excluded the innocent parent who for work reasons has a very high level of security clearance. They are also excluding the innocent family of the innocent parent some of whom were also victims of the violent parent and some of whom also have/had very high security clearance.
I have also had a telephone call from a bunch of what sounded like drunken low to mid teens at midnight.
I have absolutely no idea what is going on with Social Services but I have watched some seriously weird behaviour from them of the years.
I am only intending to offer this mid teen child family friend ship and support which I don't see anything wrong with. I got in contact as soon as I heard that the grandmother had dumped the child off while keeping other children of various relationships.
I wonder if anyone can explain to me what can be going on here. The child themselves has not acknowledged having received anything from me. I did not like that the grandmother did that but I thought Social Services were obliged to keep as many family members as possible in touch with a child in their care.
It would be unfortunate if the child was to lose out because the grandmother and social services were so vindictive that they wont even pass on cards which I have no doubt they would have vetted. I spoke to NSPCC about this and they said it would be awful if the cards were coming from the abuser and yet Social Services are allowing the convicted abuser to take the child away for weeks at a time and condoning the child being absent from education.
Any comments welcome.

Antonia Sat 17-Dec-16 13:31:47

I may be missing a lot here, but I find your post very confusing in relation to the various parties involved. I take it that you are the 'innocent grandparent?" When you say that a child was beaten by 'one of the parents,' then this must mean either your adult daughter or her partner? And where does the 'high level of security' fit in? I am not sure what advice you are asking for. I can't imagine that SS would be vindictive or 'gang up' against someone. They do the best they can under what is often difficult and complex circumstances, such as seems to be the case here. Is your issue the fact that you feel that any cards you send are not being received? Why do you need an acknowledgement of birthday or Christmas cards?

Anya Sat 17-Dec-16 13:44:30

Have you spoken directly with any Social Worker(s) involved in this case?

Antonia Sat 17-Dec-16 14:19:37

Yes, just what Anya said. I would be concerned that an abuser was allowed care of a child. Is the school aware that this is the reason for absence?

starbird Sat 17-Dec-16 14:49:55

I also find your post a bit confusing. Are you still in touch with your daughter? If not perhaps social services do not know anything about you and think it strange that you are suddenly on the scene. Perhaps you can make an appointment with the person dealing with the children? I understand that you want to help and it would be good for the grandchildren to have a normal adult in their life, but unfortunately it sounds as though you are a stranger to them.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 17-Dec-16 15:20:48

I am sorry about the confusing content of my post. I was trying to keep a bit of confidentiality as I think what I should perhaps say would be too identifying.
It was my daughter who was with a violent male partner, the violence affect her, her children, my parents (now deceased) and me.
I have certainly never been violent to my grandchildren or any child.
My family work in jobs where background checks are necessary and never once have any person related to me failed such a check myself included. Some people work at a higher than average level of security than others.
I have spoken with the team manager of the Social Services office involved. I have been called by the staff from the Childrens' Home.
I would lie to know whether my grandchild is actually receiving cards that I send. I am aware that when the child lived with the grandmother she did not pass on cards etc. from the children themselves.
I am not at all impressed with the grandmother who actively kept children from their relatives and then decided to off load one of the children and not the other.
I am greatly concerned 1. that the child is perhaps being allowed into the care of the parent who was extremely violent to one and all or 2 that Social Services would fabricate such a story.
My daughter can not bring herself to discuss the situation
with anyone. She had talked a lot about parent alienation. To my shame I was not totally on board with that, I was not sure what to believe because I was quoted confidentiality if I asked too many questions. I now believe that my daughter is correct in her thoughts that she (and her family) are being kept from her children.
I would like to know if this is a concerning situation and if others would have the same concerns as me about the child being allowed to go off for days with the violent parent. I am not sure whether to believe that Social Services are allowing a child to go with such a person. Or are they lying to me about that and why? I have not made any attempt to go to the child nor have I specifically asked to speak to the child. I believe treading softly into this would be the best way. I have just sent cards with a note in one of them giving my phone number.
Given all that went on prior to Social Services taking this action I can not say that I was pleased with their actions or lack thereof. I also have seen other inappropriate or silly action from Social Services. They do not have my trust.
I hope this has clarified a bit.

Antonia Sat 17-Dec-16 15:50:31

Thank you, this is clearer now. So, your grandchild, who is in a childrens' home, is being allowed lengthy visits with the violent father? Is this because by law he has certain rights to see his child? Do you have any evidence that the child is being harmed at all during these visits? This would be my primary concern and I can see why you are concerned that your grandchild has not received a card with your phone number on it. Does your daughter visit her child in the home? I know you say that you want to tread softly, but maybe it would be a good idea for you to visit your grandchild in the childrens' home? Please forgive me if I have got the facts wrong here. (I'm not the brightest button in the box).

starbird Sat 17-Dec-16 16:22:12

It is a pity that your daughter will not talk through what happened, preferably with a professional. I would encourage her to seek help if she is not already receiving any.

I wonder if you have been told all the facts, or perhaps prefer not to share them all, also your grand daughter may have been told a lot of lies about you and may say she wants no contact. If that is the case I do not know if you can do anything. At the same time it would be naive to think that Social Services do not make mistakes - we know that they do with sometimes tragic consequences.

Perhaps someone here who has some experience of Social Services can help. All I can say is, try to find out all you can, in theory you can apply for access to all the children but if it has been a long time since you saw them, or is likely to upset your daughter, that may be considered too disruptive for them after all they have been through. You may need to consult a solicitor, but you could start by going to the citizens advice bureau.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 17-Dec-16 16:22:30

Antonia = I find it greatly concerning that my grandchild allowed to go away with the violent father. I am not sure where the father lives but I would guess around 100 miles away. If the choice was mine I would not allow any access but if forced I would only think access in an Access Centre supervised by Social Workers and 2 Police Officers.
I would be prepared to go to supervised access to show that I have no bad intentions towards the child.
I have no idea why Social Services would think it in any way acceptable to allow this criminal anywhere near the child he so brutally attacked. I do not know what goes on at these visits however I was told that the violent parent cancelled a visit and the child was very upset by this.
I have never been a forward type of person and I would be quaking in my boots to go to the Home. I was waiting for an invitation. They did give me the name of the place which I googled and got the full address.
As far as I know my daughter has not been in the presence of her children for about 5 years. The grandmother invited the violent father to her house at exactly the time I was to collect the children and when I told Social Services that this was not acceptable as I had the 2 young children he had battered and my own school age child with me and my daughter the mother who was just out of hospital after an accident. I was told that the grandmother did not want me at her house. No alternative arrangements were made for me to see the children, or any other member of our family. I am now fully on board with her views of alienation but have not mentioned this to her at all as the subject is too distressing for her and she closes up. My daughter has another child now and there are no concerns about that child. She is settled and working.
I just don't understand any of this.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 17-Dec-16 16:32:43

Starbird - I had been telling Social Services about the violence for a long time but they would not take my word. They left it until it was nearly a "Baby ?". I have the Social Services Reports and statements in which this is stated in legal papers.
I suspected that the children were filled with lies about out family. I would point out that this is the woman who bred the violent person who hit women children and pensioners but collapsed when faced with any man. Social Services claimed that my daughter did not stand up to the violence but then are Social Services? Are Social Services crumpling in the face of demand from this person?
Surely it is more distressing to be with the father who all but finished you off than to have a little old lady of a Gran visit you?
It may be impossible to undo years of brainwashing by the grandmother/Social Serices. This is in excess of the amount of children who have been killed because Social Services failed children, they are also reported in the local papers that they have done similar to another family.
I do have an alternative plan which I will put into action if I do not see/know for myself that he child is in good circumstances now.

starbird Sat 17-Dec-16 16:54:40

I am very sorry for your situation. Given recent events that we hear of, I am sure you cannot help worrying that the grandchild is being groomed, and knowing no better, may be happy with the attention and 'love' she is getting from her father. If you have not already done so, you could express these fears with a top person at the childrens home, and tell them that you want it in record that you are concerned about the situation - if allowed take someone with you who can be a witness. Of course the situation may be perfectly innocent, so your approach would have to be that of expressing your concern and wanting to be reassured that they have taken every precaution appropriate to the circumstances.
If after this meeting you still have doubts, you may want to talk it over with the police. As a layman, I find it hard to belive that a violent man is being given unmonitored access to his daughter. With any luck the police may send a policewoman to talk to the girl and/or home just to cover their backs. Meanwhile you could persevere with the other children, take them out to the cinema, for a pizza or something, and be prepared to stand up to the bullying father if he is there. I know this might be asking too much. My heart goes out to you.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 17-Dec-16 17:14:57

Starbird - The police are the back up I was thinking of. They will have access to their own information re the father. The things that person has done are so crazy, such as stealing a car from the Police Station! Such is the conduct.
I have purposely not indicated the sex of the child. It is a boy not a girl. The other children at the grandmother's house are all girls.
I agree that after the grandmother's rejection and the isolation from other family created by the grandmother the child may be desperate for any attention.
I am only related to one of the other children at the grandmother's house. The contact with that child was the same as that of the child I am talking about here. I thought that since the child in the children's home is away from the grandmother I may stand a better chance of contact despite the thought that the children would have been brainwashed against my daughter and our family. I thought that Social Services had to try to keep children in contact with relatives. I would need to research that as best I can.
I wish now that I had been more forceful in the past but at that time I had to keep cool so that I would get help from Social Services with the elderly family members.
Given my experiences I would act differently. My upbringing was that a lady never raises her voice and definitely never raises her hand. How I wish I had realised that ladylike behaviour gets you nowhere in this scheme.
Thank you for responses.