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Words I have learned to ignore

(24 Posts)
Opelessgran15 Tue 27-Dec-16 16:23:06

Just a 5 minute post Christmas moan. As usual one son promised I would see DGS
'loads over Christmas' and DIL effusively said they would call in Tuesday bank hol. I took both with a pinch of salt as a.) This sort of thing has been said before, and b.) things do crop up, ie, their friends or DIL family arrive or stay much longer than planned ( three days instead of one this time). I try to be easy going, help out when needed ( often at 5 mins notice), but often feel very left out at holiday times, and the two of them both get generous holidays off work. I could go over and see them quite easily as they live 10 mins away, but it often goes a bit silent if I arrive when her family are there, or I feel a bit pushed out. Her parents live 15 mins away, but often stay over because they like a drink or two.I try to be very easy going with son, and more than once he has said I need to stand up a bit for myself against DIL family, but honestly, is it worth it? Do I say " well, thought I would see DGS more this hol" or just think, "well that's how they are"and accept it?I know there are several days left of the hol, but I know son & DIL have planned sale shopping , have two parties etc. Life seems much easier if you accept things, or is it taking it lying down? I have a wise partner( not my sons father, but gets on with them very well)who says leave it be.....

Ana Tue 27-Dec-16 16:30:24

I think your partner is indeed wise - you could stir up a hornet's nest by making a fuss and quite honestly, they aren't going to change whatever you say, are they?

It's hard, but I think you just have to make the most of whatever time you get with your GC and hope that when they're older they'll come to you more often.

norose4 Tue 27-Dec-16 16:39:06

Sadly I agree with your wise partner, I have one who says the same. He reminds me that they will soon pickup the phone if I'm needed, & to get on with life whilst leaving the lines of communication open .Perhaps give them chance to miss you ! Much harder to do the right thing when dealing with some DILs , I wonder if some Grandads get the same treatments/feelings .. probably not men are wired up a bit differently !! 😏

tanith Tue 27-Dec-16 17:07:24

I've come to the conclusion that sons just don't 'get it' when it comes to communication. I've learnt this from my own son he's hopeless but I've learnt to just accept what little contact he makes (usually when he wants me to do something) as all I'm going to get. I know his partner gets frustrated with him not making contact and she holds back from doing it for him (I don't blame her one bit)for example he doesn't do cards, birthday or otherwise but does send flowers and usually a hamper at Christmas. I don't see them as they live abroad with their small son so visits either way are few and far between.
My daughters are totally different of course. I'm afraid its a case of what you can't change you have to learn to live with.

J52 Tue 27-Dec-16 17:10:09

Well yes, I think this is sometimes a gran's lot. I'd just go with the flow and keep everything on an even keel. From what I've seen things change when GCs get older and can go round to Gran's on their own.

Charleygirl Tue 27-Dec-16 17:14:22

Maybe make yourself a bit less available at the drop of a hat and you may be appreciated more? I duck with my hard hat on.

cornergran Tue 27-Dec-16 18:14:49

No need for the hard hat with me charley. Maybe the key is to plan your own life and enjoy as much as possible. It does no harm to be genuinely busy and have a real reason to not be available. It's interesting your son says you need to stand up for yourself, opeless, (by the way you aren't!), I wonder if many of our sons think that as it saves them intervening. As others have said I wouldn't directly rock the boat but I would try to put more in my week to restrict last minute availability and move the focus just a bit. We have found that offering to pick up the children from school a couple of times a month has worked well. Could that work for you? It is hard to feel shut out, I suspect it's thoughtlessness rather than deliberateness and yes, most sons just don't 'get' the need to communicate. I also think our adult children have no idea how much contact with our grandchildren matters to us. Chin up.

Luckygirl Tue 27-Dec-16 18:32:06

Sorry you are feeling put out over this. I think it is harder when you live near your children as you know so much of what they are doing and have more opportunities to feel excluded. But the simple fact is that they have their own lives to lead and we have ours. We come together at various points and that is not always in synch. But I tell myself that they are having a good time and giving their children lots of experiences; and the children have lots to tell me when I do see them.

I look after children 2 days a week and in September will be doing a school run - but I can honestly say that I do not feel that this gives my children any obligation towards me. It is a mutually beneficial exchange - I get to know my GC well and my DDs get to save a bit of money on child care. A win:win!

In answer to your question I do not think it is a case of taking it lying down, but simply accepting that this is how life is. Don't let this upset you - you have to let a fair bit wash by you I am afraid!

mumofmadboys Tue 27-Dec-16 18:54:07

I have five sons and none are married yet and I have no GC. I don't know whether to be forewarned is to forearmed but I feel I may have plenty of hurt to come!!!

FarNorth Tue 27-Dec-16 21:42:38

Don't be pessimistic, mumofmadboys. My son is very good at keeping in touch and at sending photos of my DGD, as I don't live near them.

You may have no problems at all.

aggie Tue 27-Dec-16 21:56:47

My sons children are in and out so much , they know where everything is and when I am struggling they fetch my stick , they do messages for me and I am afraid I take them for granted !! Reading all this makes me appreciate the contact , I feel so sorry for those GP who lose contact

Penstemmon Tue 27-Dec-16 22:13:18

I only have daughters but both ther partners are less 'connected' with their families! One rarely see his mum..bit I get the feeling its a mutual thing! The other is just a bit vague with arrangements but then so is his mum..all very last minute!

One of my DDs is more proactive in arranging things, the other is a bit more haphazard! It might be gender/personality/ parental expectation /model. Who knows, but as OP says it it better not to muddy the water with huffs and badd feeling..just keep smiling!

Anya Tue 27-Dec-16 22:13:38

Sons are not necessarily like this. Mine does put his wife and family first, as indeed he should, but finds time for us too. I think our DiL is kind enough to encourage him in this.

It's a juggle these days with work, a young family and friends to always fit 'mum' in, and I agree it's hard on the OP. I'm sure you're not forgotten just put on the back burner for a while. We've almost all experienced that at some time so, hurtful though it can be, it's not meant that way and it's good advice to get on with life until they do get round to visiting.

rubylady Wed 28-Dec-16 06:42:19

It doesn't seem that they are doing anything deliberately to hurt you, so I would just enjoy what you do have. Maybe a quick phone call to see if they are free if you want to go and see them.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with both your son and his wife, just enjoy and think of us that don't get to see our children or grandchildren. I would take what you have and grab it with both hands. smile

thatbags Wed 28-Dec-16 06:44:54

I think that having expectations to see one's grandchildren (no mention of seeing the son and dil, I notice) on certain days is asking for disappointment, especially when one already knows that such plans hopes often fall through. If you (anyone, not just the OP) live ten minutes away from your son's family and are asked to 'help out' a fair bit, you clearly see the grandson quite often. Make the most of what you have.

The more I read about the difficulties of living near one's offspring and their offspring, the more I think that perhaps it's a blessing in disguise to live far enough away to have to make solid arrangements for visiting, arrangements that won't be discarded at the appearance of the other grandparents drop of a hat.

thatbags Wed 28-Dec-16 06:45:34

x posts, ruby smile both advocating enjoy what you have.

thatbags Wed 28-Dec-16 06:50:12

I'll add that when I make arrangements to visit my eldest daughter and her family, I'm as excited about seeing her for a few days as I am about seeing her children. On some gransnet threads I don't get the impression that's always the case: it all seems to be about the grandchildren. Just saying. I'm sure there are plenty of others who feel the same as I do. I just notice when somehow the middle generation appear to be glossed over.

Ankers Wed 28-Dec-16 07:16:14

Good point thatbags. I think you could be right.

Stansgran Wed 28-Dec-16 08:31:02

I agree Thatbags .. I actually want to see dd really more than her children. I enjoy the children but they are really into football which bores me rigid. But I was never very good with small children anyway.

Anya Wed 28-Dec-16 08:38:51

I think the OPs reference to seeing the GC is because it is the school holidays and I expect she thought that's why she might see more of them. I didn't take it to mean she didn't want to see their parents.

kittylester Wed 28-Dec-16 08:41:22

Glad other people want to see their children just as much as their grandchildren. I look after all the grandchildren at various times and love them dearly but I really relish seeing my daughters, and sons, on their own.

Ceesnan Wed 28-Dec-16 08:45:56

I have looked after DGD for five days a week since she was eight months old and DDIL went back to work. DS drops her here before he goes to work and collects her when he finishes, so I do both the school runs. This will end in September when she starts High School as DS will drop her there on the way to work. I have already broken down in tears when telling friends about the future arrangements even though I know that it is how it should be. I am going to miss her so much but DS has promised me that he and DDIL will make sure the contact will be maintained. DDIL and I have a great relationship so hopefully this will happen.

KatyK Wed 28-Dec-16 09:11:24

I also look forward to spending time with my daughter. She is my child after all, but more and more she sees me as 'nan' and not mum. It's very difficult sometimes but I am trying to 'go with the flow'.

Opelessgran15 Fri 30-Dec-16 12:21:36

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. I do look forward to seeing my sons and daughter in laws as well as GS and am very lucky they do both live up the road- I do have friends who have children living in Australia, NZ and Canada, and see them perhaps once every one or two years. Son did turn up with GS yesterday, and I said had expected to see them Tuesday from what was said. He looked me up and down and said " Well I'm here now". Had a message from DIL saying remind them next time as they were very busy. I didn't go on to point out she had said they had not got much on during their hols. Anyway, a seed has been sown, I feel I have learned a lesson
( you never stop apparantley), and have decided to start a jigsaw the day after Boxing Day next year, as it stops me thinking!! I love all you fellow gransnetters for your advice and thoughts, you have been a comfort or offered a sage lesson to me more than once!