Can anyone tell me what went wrong?

on here! not on her

I wouldn't be much use as a blogger, I would get people coming on criticising my grammar and typos.

What is a blogger ?
anniebach I think a blogger has a website (a weblog) where they chat about what they have done, what they have bought (advert included) and they get revenue from any firm which advertises on their site.
I have never had any revenue from GN so I don't think I am a blogger, just a Gransnetter
Sometimes I think we do get bloggers on her inviting opinions when they have a book to write or something similar.

Ive learnt over time that its better to accept unwanted gifts graciously, and say nothing negative, let alone return them.She is obviously deeply hurt and your efforts to make amends have not worked.

The fact that she now lives 300 miles away means that the relationship you had with her had changed anyway. I suspect this is as much about you missing what you, personally felt you had shared and lost before this incident. I wonder what her take on your relationship was?
I fear you must accept that its over. It may help to write a letter to the other party, pouring out your regrets,apologies and sadness even if you never send it. Getting your feelings down on paper is an outlet for your anxieties.

Im so sad for you

Oh! They meant posts. Geddit now. All's well.

Forget her. Not worth the bother.

How do people get in these pickles?

And where's this blog? again.

Jefm exactly! Perfect! And the sarcasm is childish too. I think some people are on the wrong forum.

What is all this cr*p about "blogging"??
OP asked for opinions and advice, members expressed their opinions, end of.
Whether the PJs went back or not the "kindly" text (!) indicated they were to be returned "so that the donor could get her money back" for heaven's sake!! Whatever happened to a phone call or a thank you letter?? Would a "soul mate even a sister" not deserve more?
IMHO the OP does inded come across as entirely patronising and "lady bountiful"
Whether or not her BFF has developed dementia, OP has been tactless and sounds very mercenary to have recollected in such detail the extent of her largesse.
Other members have been gentler than I so I will happily shoulder the criticism of "harshness" as this seems to me yet another example of an OP looking for reassurance that they could not possibly be at fault .

Personally I would never return a present, however unsuitable. I would either keep it to give to someone else, or take it to a charity shop. But I would always thank whoever gave it, as if it had been just right.

I dare say that even though you meant it for the best, was what upset your friend, if there's no dementia involved. Dementia can make people act quite unlike themselves, and they can and do quite often turn against the very people who have been dearest to them. And they can imagine all sorts of nasty acts by those very people, and relate them to other people, who may well believe them to be true.
It's worth adding that people who are new to dementia (maybe the daughter?) may well be quite unaware of this aspect of the disease.

Thank you Heather, I do too totally unnecessary. The lady asked for help not an attack, and if you go over some of the posts you can obviously see why. I too had sam training and I would never ever have replied to someone reaching out in this way. A few other ladies posts are honest but supportive. So I would just listen to those. We have all had terrible troubles to cope with in our lives and some still do. You would think of a site like this to be a place of support honesty and comfort when you want to mull a problem over. No wonder cheinleise is not commenting at the moment. You can be honest without the downright nastines. Let's hope the lady is ok and not even more confused. She said she had awful nightmares and the age of 78 hope she has a loving family too. But you know what they say it's easier to talk to strangers etc. I dearly hope you are able to sort this out in your head with the quidance of the constructive posts. Step back for a bit or I suppose you could say you would like to visit, that might get the daughter to answer you and she can be honest and tell you where you went wrong. And remember some people go on these sites for a hobby just to be nasty. Best wishes.

Being a pea brain , have I been insulted ? What is a blogger ?

can you do that?
blog under two names?

I think most of the posts were saying exactly the same as you Heather23, just in a different way.
The recipient of all the largesse may have felt 'obliged' and the 'friendship' seemed to be very one-sided.
When I moved house many years ago I had someone who 'took me over' and I didn't want my life to be run by someone else. It took DH in the end to extricate us (the whole family) from her overwhelming 'kindness'. Not intentionally and he was very polite but she never did speak to us again.

I didn't know that I was a 'blogger'
How exciting!

Way too obvious!

Is it me? Blog? Didn't send PJs back.

So it was a wind up? .

Hi jefm or ???

Yes I agree Heather23 so many of these replies are harsh, judgemental and without compassion. I hope that cheneslieges132 will leave these bloggers to their own thoughts. I know now that my first message was much nearer the mark as is yours Heather23. She cut her blog short and didn't ACTUALLY send the pyjamas back, it was a suggestion to her friend !( a private message exchange) . Its a difficult world out there and if we care we go over and over things in our minds and over analyse, that is all this good friend was doing. You bloggers who started to blame her should rethink your messages in future, yes if someone deserves some straight talking that's fine but we are here to help grans find solutions not make more problems for them. Maybe some of you will rethink what you say and how you say it in 2017. happy New year

I do think a lot of these replies are very harsh - we none of us know the answer and it seems to me Cheneslieges 132 that you are very upset at the loss of this friendship and some of these replies might make you feel even worse! I agree with many that returning the pj's was a misjudgement on your part but with the best of (your) intentions. For years my brother spent Xmas with our parents and me and my family as his own had fallen apart. Years later, when I was trying to reach out to him, he told me those Xmas's had been hell for him and I struggled to understand why (he seemed to enjoy them at the time). I now think it is because we had everything he did not - a happy, united family celebrating being together and in a lovely home - his resentment of my "good fortune" has continued and he chooses to have nothing to do with me. We never know what others are thinking of us and how our well-intentioned actions can be perceived quite differently. I would urge you to make new friends to try and fill part of the gap this one has left. You can try one more time in a letter to say how much you miss her friendship and hope all is well and how much you would love to hear from her and leave it at that. As the saying goes 'don't let yesterday's clouds spoil today's sunshine. Good luck.

Thanks, Anya, I should have thought of that.

I am sure we all wish her well, however she did report some behaviour that sounded creepy to me and I tried to be honest with her. No point asking for advice if you only was reassurance that your actions were entirely normal and the other person (unheard) is in the wrong.

It is bizarre to send stamped addressed envelope to elicit a response to personal correspondence, such insistence would in itself put me off replying.

However, if it help to people just to be soothed and never to move on, perhaps we should have an icon to warn us that is their requirement. It isn't unkind to be honest when asked for an honest and helpful opinion. A person is free to ignore replies but sometimes holding up a mirror induces a strong reaction and that is life.

I had hoped to be helpful as I am sure others did.

The loss of a 'soulmate' is painful but there is no other choice other than to move on....we have all had to face that at some point whatever the cause.

I'm with the strong possibility of dementia - it can come on very slowly over many years with periods of lucid behaviour in between. I think the fact that the friend almost threw the flowers back at the delivery girl is also a marker for some kind of irrational behaviour. It would be more usual to refuse them politely or take them and bin them!

I feel for you OP and think somehow or another you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your friend is not really in her right mind. I know lots of people are going on about not sending the PJs back, ok maybe not, but you did it with the best of intentions. And the fact that they were Disney PJs for a woman of your age and much too small is another marker for dementia as far as I can see. My aunt suffered vascular dementia which came on very slowly for many years and she used to accuse us of stealing things from her house. BUT more importantly she also bought totally inappropriate presents - sometimes ornaments that she'd had in the house for years would get wrapped up and given as gifts and once she gave my sister a light bulb carefully bubbled wrapped and then red wrapped and tied with string for Christmas. She died some years ago now and we often smile about her and the gifts,not maliciously of course - we never know when it will be our turn!

Certainly pax DB - I was referring to our Sam training and thought we were singing off the same hymn sheet.

Gagg as those who have worked crisis helpline can verify, you get a lot of wind-up merchants and time wasters who think it's funny or for other less salubrious reasons, on telephone helplines. Believe me!! I'm not saying this was. It might or might not be. But I remember hearing a very elderly Sam, of the twin set and pearl brigade, on the next telephone ask a caller in a voice like cut crystal 'are you by any change masturbating?'

Sorry if I've offended!

A relative novice to GN I'm puzzled as to why anyone would post something that was not genuine, suggested as a possibility here. Can anyone enlighten me?

Pax then?

Daphne there was no such intention. I wasn't going off at you, you have completely taken that the wrong way.

My only comment would be to look at the situation with these words of wisdom :- "You have friends for a reason, for a season or for life"
Your choice...

I'm very fond of my sisters, and thank them very much for the ill-fitting or inappropriate gifts they sometimes give me.I don't think it's worth the upset caused if I point out that the presents are unusable.