Out in the cold

Joining groups where you can meet people within your age range is vital. My adult children often make me feel as if I'm a doddery old lady (I'm a 70 year old widow) and on the other hand expect me to do baby sitting and generally be super woman. Good friends are important too and I'm glad that you have them Maudie.

When I go to the groups I belong to I'm just me and I can be my own person. Also I get courage from older ladies who have been widowed, have had illnesses and family problems and have survived.

My mother liked to meet me for coffee etc., but to be honest when I was a young working mum I found this tiresome. No harm in suggesting it, but don't be hurt if she declines.

Count your blessings Maudie, it does sound as if you have a fair bit of contact with your family and get included in important events already. That in itself is lovely, cannot really envisage how it could be bettered.

"sprightly" is not a word that I would intend to use about myself, however disgruntled I might be!

jane - I do not have those uncomfortable thoughts about my MIL - we hardly saw the poor lady - she was eccentric to the nth degree and was on the bottle for some of the time - and they were not heavily into family. However I do have those thoughts about my own mother. We avoided seeing them if we could because she and my Dad were constantly sniping at one another and it was painful to watch and not something I wanted to expose my children to. But I can now see that she was trying to be a good grandma and that maybe I should have appreciated this aspect a bit more rather than being overwhelmed by the desire not to have to watch their undercurrent of antagonism. But we cannot turn the clock back - she is long dead now.

It's good to reflect on our own behaviour Jane I think.

This thread has really made me think about my own MiL. She was a terrific help when the children were young. We never stopped appreciating her but as they grew up she was needed less and less. She was always included at family events but it occurs to me that in our busy lives (and they were busy) we didn't routinely phone or see her. She always had a job. She kept retiring then finding another job. I do feel guilty about not seeing her more. DH was her son and it never occurred to him to even phone her for a chat. She never phoned us either.
I wonder how she felt about us. The children were devoted to her but grew up and away.
I can understand how the OP feels but its maybe absolutely not personal, just busy lives taking over. Sorry for ramble, I just got thinking.

lucky sprightly disgruntled

I didn't mean to sound flippant. I guess I thought that what you had sounded pretty nice! ?

I do think that you should settle for what you have - it all sounds lovely. Between work and children the couple do need time together, and I doubt whether it is easy to fit it all in.

I do not expect my DDs to spend time just with me as I know how full their lives are - but I have all the delights that you describe and treasure them.

The balance between being included and not is a delicate one. For example one DD had a big New Years party and we went along for a while because others of our children and GC were going to be there, some of whom we do not see often because of distance. But we slipped away about 8 pm so that the younger people could go wild in their own way! They were happy that we had been there, but also I am sure relieved that we left them to it at an appropriate moment!

My local DDs go and do things together without me and I enjoy the fact that they get on so well together and that they are out experiencing being young Mums together, sharing ideas, supporting each other - I am included in some things which is lovely, but I have lots of other things to do myself - so for us the balance is about right.

Please do enjoy what you have - reading some of the posts from some people on here who have nothing like this in their lives is a very salutary lesson to me when I feel sprightly disgruntled.

I wonder if you are the sort of mum who was always able to cope. Did not want to be bother. Not imposing, helping where you can. I think that our children see us in these roles, possibly,admire us and are grateful to us, but also take us for granted.

What they don't see is how lonely we can be. I have bent over backwards to not be the drain that my mother and MiL were. I have a good relationship with my children, but it is always on their terms and to their agenda.

I don't think, at our age, we are going to change them.

These threads always throw up a wide and varying range of opinions. It's a case to taking out what you think will work for you and ignoring the rest Maudie - a bit like the 'advice' our grannies used to serve up to us whether we asked for it or not

Thanks everyone for such wonderfully supportive comments, understanding and advice which I will act upon.. Regarding "How much more do you expect?" ...actually not much at all, just a "How are you?" occasionally which I really don't think is too much to hope for. Surely it's simply being polite and doesn't take up much time at all.

I'm sure that they'll be there for you if one day you really need them

I hope so, but I am not so sure.
The sil might be, but her relationship with her dd is lacking some warmth at least.

Modern working life is even more stressful than 40 years ago. You are being included in your family life. However don't expect your daughter and SiL to meet all your emotional needs for friendship etc. As has been suggested you could join a dating agency or you might go to a singles group arranged through the U3A.

It is one of the challenges in later years to develop new friendships.

Every year I find people either dying or moving away and I am left wondering where to make new friends.

I think you and your family are doing well and you need to look around you for more relationships.

I am lucky this year I am taking my 16 year old grandchild to meet up with my 2 sister's families one in USA and one in Australia and then en route to visit Japan.

along with everything else, making the arrangements will keep me busy and I am hoping the trip will enable me to make a good friendship with my GD.

I know exactly how you feel - you are missing the close Mother/Daughter relationship and feeling a gap which even the successful Granny relationship cannot fill. At one point I realised that my DDs kept calling us Granny and Granpa rather than Mum and Dad which was sad. However things change. When DH had his accident and subsequent illness the DDs were right there to assist and could not have been more helpful. They also took time to talk and listen to me often late at night while the DGC and DH were sound asleep, or a phone call from their bath or while on the train or bus.

They have admitted that they relied on us always being capable, ready and willing to help them and that now is time for a bit of reciprocity. I have found it hard to admit that we now need a bit of help ourselves, having always been independent minded and reluctant to ask for help with anything, but our children then believe that we can cope on our own. We have to tell them that we need their support - whether that be a long chat, a hug or something more practical.

Maybe you could try asking your DD or SIL for a bit of help or advice - nothing too drastic for starters - say, help with new technology, or advice on a new colour scheme, anything that you would normally have discussed with you DH. Tell them it is difficult when you need a second opinion. HTH

I had this conversation with my best friend yesterday who had recently told one of her daughters that she felt they didn't have time for her and she felt neglected. I know, and she knows, that nothing could be further from the truth, and that she was just going through a bit of a low period and she said that she can't believe that she actually thought like that. She, too, is widowed and lives alone. I think quite a few of us feel like this from time to time - suddenly a bit left out of our children's lives in spite of all we do and have done for them, especially when that commitment has meant you setting aside a large part of your free time in order to meet their needs. As the children get older, your input decreases and you start to feel a bit sidelined. My own daughter and son in law hardly have time to turn round, with their own commitments and those of our grandson, who is now getting to the age where we are less of a constant in his life than we were when he was younger. It sounds to me as if you are included in all the important bits - I'm not sure I see just how much more you want. I would try not to make this an issue between you.

This mirrors my situation exactly - you are not alone.

I think many of us Grans on here remember our relationship with our own Grans, and sometimes wish it could be the same with us. But families have changed, and as you say Maudie, they work long hours and hardly have time to breathe.
I'm sure that they'll be there for you if one day you really need them. Meanwhile your network of friends sounds wonderful - do any of them have the same problem?

Actually I think they are doing plenty. If the OP feels taken for granted the remedy is to find other things to do so that she is not so available, not to expect them to spend more time with her as repayment. After all, what may be a lovely lunch and shopping afternoon outing for her will be four hours that her daughter has to find in her life to catch up on what didn't get done or four hours that daughter didn't spend with her husband or children.

She'll probably be needed for a good few years yet as little one is only 5, but my advice would be to build up a good relationship with the GC. Then when they're of an age to take themselves to,school they'll still want to visit Nana or Granny.

It can be a very precious and strong bond between GC and their grandmother in particular. My late MiL was a bit of a pain, but my daughter and her were very close.

Also, and this is what I do, why not invite all the family for a family meal. If you're picking children up from school, then you'll have the children at your house anyway, so just occasionally suggest (in advance) that the parents join you and have 'tea' (or supper or whatever you call it) together. That should actually help out working parents as they won't have to spend time cooking that night.

I wouldn't worry about bridges needing crossed in n years' time. Live for the moment. I know that's trite but I do believe it's a good idea as much as one reasonably can.

Anya yes it could be but I do think it sounds as if the adult children are taking her for granted a little . I am just saying what I would do.

Also what will happen when she is no longer needed for childcare when the children are older , it surely would be better to let her feelings be known now while she is doing so much for them .

f77ms do you not perhaps think the OP moved to be near because she was lonely.

I do however think it might be an idea not to answer the next texted request and see if that might prompt a phone call instead if that's what you want. I'm always missing texts because my phone is out of charge, or deep in a bag, so it needn't seem deliberate.

Next time you get a text asking for you to do something for them just don`t answer and wait for a call . I think you have made yourself far too available even moving house to be close to help out . You do sound as if you have become an unpaid `household support` as Phoenix says . It would do no harm to speak to you daughter about going out for a coffee and chat sometimes and not just seeing them when you are needed for childcare. I get it that they are busy etc but taking a couple of hours out even once a month to see you is not beyond reasonable to expect.

Yes I agree with merlotgran, you are involved with your family and they obviously value your help. A lot of people on Gransnet do not have anything like the family contact you have. They need time together and are busy working, you have your friends and a social life so enjoy that.
Personally I think it's a mistake to invest everything in ones family, get on with your own life and enjoy it.

I really don't see how you can improve your situation, you appear to have what lots of grans do not have.