My eldest DD's DP has two children aged 10 and 7 from a previous relationship and was seeing them most weekends. My DD is a fab step-mum and gives her time generously and lovingly to them both. However, there has always been tension with the children's mum who seems to see my DD as a threat even though she had nothing to do with the breakdown of the relationship.
Anyway, the older of the children has, over the last few months decided that he wants to stay at home and play computer games most weekends, which has greatly upset his dad and my DD. They have tried persuading him; accepting that he has other interests and that he doesn't want to spend all of his free time going to see dad (even though there are always activities for them to do; it's not just a change of wallpaper!) to be told the following weekend that he isn't coming again; telling him that he hasn't got an option - in other words, playing it every way they can think of but to no avail. They are getting no support from the mum who thinks that children should be free to make their own decisions (even to the point of choosing which high school he should go to) and who has made no secret of egging on backing up her son. He, in the way that all children will, had no trouble tearing himself away from his computer games when it came to visiting his dad and DD to get his Christmas presents, nor did he for his birthday.
Any ideas on how to handle this please? They have asked for my input and I think they need to keep the door open to him but, as they don't have any back-up from his mother, their hands are pretty much tied but you wise lot may have some other thoughts.
I think you have to take into account that these children have already had upheaval in their young lives,losing all his friends might be a step too far for him
Yes, Anya he is.
paddyann's made a good point there.
do you know the mother well or are you only hearing her ex's opinion of her ? Her children wont see her how he does
It's a mine field and you're only getting one side of the story where the ex wife is always the awful one. I'd stay out of it as much as possible and just support your daughter.
It is always a tricky balancing act when there is a blended family. For both 'homes' to feel like home they need to offer what the children want. If one does not allow a favourite activity and one does it is easy to see why a child chooses to be in one place rather than another. It might also appear to the child that there is an implied criticism of an activity if it is not allowed.
If Saturday at dad's is not too dissimilar to Saturday at mum's then maybe it would look more attractive. Kids like things to be familiar!
In the OP situation I would play it cool but make sure that the lad is always asked for the weekend, spoken to by phone/skype/facetine etc so connection is . I would also put it to the child that dad misses seeing him so what would be good for the two of them to do together? Might be a pizza each week, just the two of them at the moment for a couple of hours mid-week. In time it might change again to more /less frequent events. The lad has got to want to see his dad.
He must go to his dad every single weekend? When does he have free time with his mum?
Hands up any here who would like to spend most weekends at someone else's house.
I have a ten year old GS and I know he would choose to go where he can play computer games. Not that he plays all weekend, his mum and dad make sure they do other things too. DS liked computers too when he was young and has made a very good career for himself as Network Engineer (works in IT). My GSs know how to do coding, that's one of the things they do some weekends with their dad, involving computers. There are groups children and parents can join and learn how to do it, it will be the second language for that generation. GS 8 was able to do the wiring himself and connected through their computer for their flashing countdown they were setting up, this is a small part of learning coding. So much for children to learn, computer games are just part of it. Maybe your DD's DP might do something with his DC that they would like to do, not what he thinks they should be doing.
I wonder if the ex wife feels a bit criticised and feels her ex is a bit controlling, bit of a red flag to continuously criticise your ex. It would make most people dig their heels in, especially former wives.
Web
Oh dear , I know exactly where you are coming from as this is happening with my granddaughter too.
She is 10 and due to divorce she sees dad and his family at weekends but she is saying more and more she wants to stay at home. Very difficult position to be in and there is no particular reason she feels this way other than she likes to be in her environment with her mum.
The problem is adults will view the world in a totally different way to children. We probably over think, they probably under think the outcome of a situation. My daughter knows her dad and step mum will be mortified to hear her say she doesn't want to go and we then go into the minefield of problems and angst such a decision can cause for family cohesion, been there done that got the T shirt. My granddaughter on the other hand knows she loves her dad dearly and he loves her the same and doesn't understand that concept that a divorce brings of 'sharing the child'.
Divorce/separation is a bugger and it is difficult not to go through hoops to keep things harmonious and children are sadly piggies in the middle . We do everything we can to do the right thing but we forget that children are human beings with their own feelings and when they express what they want we are a bit taken aback, possibly feel a tad guilty their lives have been turned upside down too.
My daughter knows that there is nothing wrong and this is nothing more than she simply wants to be at home doing her homework, playing with the friends around her ,playing with her pets but will dad see it the same way. Lord knows but it is a conversation that she will have to have and can only hope he is understanding and put's her happiness first but that will depend if he is confident this is not of my daughters doing and he knows that she loves her dad so much she just doesn't think she could ever hurt him.
As for 10 years old being too young to have a choice then I have to say she is not a baby but maybe too young to understand the emotional anguish her words will cause but I think adults do have to put their children's happiness before their own and at the end of the day if a child is forced to comply will they not be even unhappier and where does that lead to, probably a worsening of the situation.
Better to have 'quality time' together me thinks but I am 'butt out' nanny on this one.
Seb not Web sorry.
This happened to a friend of ours and he was very upset as he is a great Dad. However he decided to keep in touch by text etc and not force his DS to visit as he wanted a long term relationship with his DS built on mutual respect. It worked and over time his DS started calling in on him and our friend has often commented he is relieved he did not force access visits as it may have turned his DS against him.
I think children should have some input into the school they go to. I wasn't allowed to apply for the school I wanted because my sister was already at a school and my parents wanted to save the cost of a different uniform. I always resented my parents for this. I would have done much better away from my sister. If he can get into the school he wants what is the harm in at least letting him apply for it.
It is a shame that the mother is probably not going to sit down with the child and point out that he should think about his father too but children only get a certain amount of free time and he may have found not being able to do with a big chunk of it every week a bit much. Maybe if he had been asked just to go for tea or shopping or something it might have been more manageable for him.
What about your daughter's partner's parents? Do they get to see the children ever? I always feel sorry for grandparents caught up in these situations who may be cut off from their grandchildren, through no fault of their own. Otherwise - a lot of good advice on here I think.
That should be 'not want to do what he wants with a big chunk of the week a bit much'.
As a former youth worker I can tell you that as kids grow up their peer group becomes more important to them than their family......it is just the way they are and technology isn't helpful to this.
I would be inclined to let him make his choices but either when collecting or returning the other child, take him out for burger and chat and leave it at that.
By the time he is 14 ish he won't want to spend much time with his mother either........just allow him to find his own way to cope with the shifting sands of his family life.....as long as he has contact with you, he will want to be around at some point. Sadly this is what family breakdown brings.
I feel for your daughter as step parent but it isn't her problem to resolve, the parents and time will resolve this one.
It's a hard one to work through. My brother's ex, was very hostile to the new partner, and effectively poisoned his DS and DD against his new partner, so they felt to please their mum, they pretended they didn't want to visit on the week-ends, as it "would make Mummy cry", there is an awful lot of bitter, selfish, use of kids as weapons to get back at the ex, even though she was the one who ended the relationship! We made sure that the kids always knew that we all loved them, and the door was open for them any time. Use of technology like Skype and Whatsapp was invaluable to us, and when the kids got older, they realised that we were not the ones at fault!
It's a difficult one but not uncommon kids are on these games a lot and linked up by the internet to their mates he may have got the game for Christmas so is a bit excited about playing on it all the time totally different scenario but my DG used to stay over at weekends a lot he is 11 but if I ask why he doesn't want to come over you've guessed it he wants to stay at home where he has all the latest technology for playing games we do compromise occasionally when he has to stay as both parents are working he brings his laptop and tablet as much as it is annoying maybe having a game console in their home is the answer after all he shouldn't be a visitor he should feel it's a home from home for him weekends are precious to children as well they are at school all week and its their free time.
I can see this from both sides but to be honest a 10 year old these days knows exactly where he wants to be and what he wants to do maybe after a week at school he just wants to chill out and not be going here there and everywhere I think we don't realise how stressful having two homes and your life panned out for him is Would you want to spend every weekend away from your room, your bed, your mum, your toys, it doesn't mean he loves his dad any less but kids do grow away and it will happen more and more
Of course a child should have input into his high school choice it's him going not his dad or you and no child will want to go to a school where none of his mates are going my grandkids have all had input into the decision and their mums and dads have listened to their reasons and taken them on board however good the school is if the child is unhappy he won't achieve and could be unhappy
A practical suggestion Could he go over for a day instead of the weekend or even a half day it would keep the contact without being too stressful for him
Don't be too hard on the ex you do only hear one side of the story and she can't be that bad or else he would be clamering to get away from her
It is a difficult one, but it need not be.
When children reach their teenage years they begin to feel they want to be independent. ie make their own decisions about what they do and where they go. My grandson has just reached that age and doesn't visit us as much as he used to. We know he loves us. We also know, and appreciate, that he is getting to be his own man now he is 16yrs old.
All I can say is be there when he does come, and he will, don't get upset and think he doesn't want to see you anymore, he does. He is just showing that he can now think for himself. Also he must be feeling awkward about whether he should support his own mother more.
He sounds like a very nice boy anyway so I am sure things will sort themselves out.
It's important not to get drawn into conflict over this, either with the boy or his mum. Children do need to work through difficult times with the open door approach others have advocated.
At some point, most children start to prioritise spending time with friends and for some this becomes critically important in their eyes (I speak from personal experience). Fear of missing out on what friends are doing at the w/end may be behind this, at least in part. It can be hurtful but is quite normal. Might he have the option occasionally of inviting a friend too for a sleepover? That was all one of my kids wanted to do for about 18 tiresome months!
I have a 19 year old DS. I have been separated from his Dad since he was 9. From the age of 12, visits started to subside as friends became more important (computer games and FB not so apparent then) and he wanted to 'hang out'.
I never put pressure on him to stay home, always encouraging him to go with his Dad. HE made the choice to reduce visits, he wanted to be around his mates and not 'miss out'. I don't think you can underestimate the influence of peers at this age, especially now with all the gaming online etc.
The last thing you want to do is FORCE the children to come and see you, just let them know they are loved and wanted. When they're teens it will get far worse, but they will come back, it's the circle of life and the nature of the beast..
Good luck OP
Just to add..'quality time' doesn't necessarily mean ALL weekend!
As a young child when my mum and dad got divorced l saw my dad every Saturday and often Sunday too. The weekends and years went by and l did get very resentful about it intruding on my time. l always went though as l felt guilty if l didn't.
In hindsight l wished l'd spoke more openly about how l felt but l wasn't a child who shared her feelings.
l always thought that if my children were ever to be in that situation l would always give them the understanding and options.
Many young people are obsessed with on line games. Has your DD and partner got a console. If not maybe they could get one as it always helps to have something in common and they could play online games together without him actually coming round.
Unfortunately this is the curse of the modern age, It may well have nothing to do with going to see his Dad- he just wants to play games all day.
Our eldest DGS- 12 is just the same. You can't get his head out of the game. Luckily they can play them anywhere so he could always bring the game with him but it really does change them & not for the better. I don't know where it will all end TBH. Our GS prefers to play on his devices than go to watch hs football team with Dad & siblings every week now- he still plays himself in the morning & loves his cricket to but I wonder how much longer this will last.
We let him bring his games here when they stay but they are not allowed to take them to bed with them after I found them under the covers at 11.30 one night still playing.Plus they should stop an hour before bed as it has been prved it disrupts sleep patterns. It is an obsession.
My 2 year old GS can open my phone & get into it no problem- no games on there for him!
I suggest they make their home game friendly & see if he will go to them then. After that wean him away from it but taking them out of the house-I don't allow games in the car unless it is a very long journey- I want to talk with them -but my DiL says she likes them playing in the car as it keeps them quiet! I must admit there are times I get that when they are fighting in the back!!
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