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Should I say anything?

(28 Posts)
NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 11:31:26

My DS has always been very good natured and is now married to a very dissatisfied girl. We try our best to help with finance and babysitting and on the surface have a good relationship with her. Their son Age 7 is a joy but their daughter who is 5 is manipulating when she is around her mother. Sleeps in her bed every night as she "loves mummy so much " Her brother tells me he never gets mummy to read him a bedtime story as his sister insists she should always be with her. He is not allowed into her bed unless he has a bad dream .my son now sleeps in the study on a futon so that his daughter can be with her mother . They appear on the surface to be okay as a couple but I worry for their relationship and for my granddaughter becoming even more entitled as she gets older. She is a good wee girl when she comes to us for the day and doesn't get away with dissolving into ;(fake) tears every time she is denied anything. My DIL can't seem to see that she is enabling this behaviour and I fear for their son and more importantly for their marriage.

fiorentina51 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:04:58

Hard as it is NannyMo I would be inclined to keep quiet. A few well meant words might eventually stir up a hornet's nest. Just be there in as supportive a role as you can be and be ready to pick up the pieces should the worst happen.
Good luck and I hope everything gets resolved happily.

vampirequeen Wed 04-Jan-17 13:17:22

Bite your tongue. It's the way they've chosen and there is no way you can mention it without appearing to criticise them.

Jane10 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:24:55

Suggest that the little girl spends more time with you. That way she'll be learning new ways to behave but it gives the little boy more quality time with his parents.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:27:07

I've bitten my tongue a hundred times over the last 10 years and would never want to cause trouble. It breaks my heart to hear a little boy say he misses mummy but that his sister always gets her attention. I fear he will grow to resent his sister when they are older. Also several family members have commented about her rude behaviour to me and I realise a nice child is becoming so spoiled she is not liked by people. She will grab a proffered gift and refuse to say thank you and then burst into tears when told she won't get it until she does. Mummy cuddles her and says she is "shy" ....which she is not when she is at ours btw. She is defiant and rude. Her mother is so needy she doesn't see what she s doing is making her daughter totally clingy because that's what gets whatever she wants , how and when she wants it.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:29:30

She loved being with us pre school when we were needed for daycare but now wouldn't probably want to come for fear of her brother getting his mothers attention. I am amazed that such a little child can be so manipulative and controlling.

Anya Wed 04-Jan-17 13:43:02

You seem to be contradicting yourself NannyMo and you've confused me (easy to do these days) ..Is she or isn't she well behaved at your house?

Anya Wed 04-Jan-17 13:44:26

In any case I'd be inclined to make extra time and extra fuss of her brother to balance things out smile

thatbags Wed 04-Jan-17 13:51:36

You've bitten your tongue over the last 10 years and yet the little boy is only 7?

Hmm. Seems it's not really about the children but about your dislike of your son's partner.

I should keep schtum if I were you.

thatbags Wed 04-Jan-17 13:52:40

In short, you disapprove.

thatbags Wed 04-Jan-17 13:53:49

Does dad read bedtime stories to the boy? If not, why not?

Ana Wed 04-Jan-17 13:56:19

I'm not clear on where the 10 years tongue-biting comes in, as the elder child is only 7 and his sister 5...

You say your DS is married to 'a very dissatisfied girl', and I'm afraid your dislike of her is very obvious from your posts and probably is in RL. If you say anything against this couple's living arrangements (and even how they treat their children) you risk losing any sort of relationship with them at all.

Ana Wed 04-Jan-17 13:57:00

x posts thatbags

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:05:43

Sorry for confusion. We have been sidelined from the start of their relationship as my DIL has always put her own family first. We are peace loving and have never said anything against her or complained about this. There have been many instances when we have been treated unfairly but have kept quiet as we don't want to upset our son.we realise his wife must come first.
My GD is well behaved at ours without her mother as she knows we don't let her away with rudeness. We love her and she loves us. Our Other children and their partners all have said they are shocked at the way she is allowed to behave so it's not just our opinion.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:06:51

Dad does read stories but GS says he'd like mummy to do it sometimes but she never does.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:11:04

I am just concerned that they are ignoring their son's feelings as his sister makes more of a fuss and ends up always having things her way. We have watched another grandchild become very resentful of his sibling as he too felt he always came second and don't want this to happen again.

Antonia Wed 04-Jan-17 14:23:38

It is upsetting for you, but I doubt whether you will be able to influence your DIL's behaviour. You say that she is 'dissatisfied' which implies that you don't really like her. If the feeling is mutual then she is even less likely to listen to advice, which may be seen as interference and could make for bad feeling between you. There are quite a few little things that I don't care for about how my DGC are being brought up, but there is nothing major, they are all very well cared for and loved, so I never say anything. You may need to accept that your son and DIL are adults and it is for them to decide on how they treat their children. It would be different if your GC were being neglected or abused, but this is family dynamics.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:26:29

You're right Antonia ....I would never say anything to rock the boat and just needed a sounding board to try to get my head round this. Just felt upset after looking after my grandson and he started talking about it at bath/bedtime. Will keep schtum as ever. I know his hard it is being a parent and am sure we all make mistakes.

Antonia Wed 04-Jan-17 14:31:51

Sometimes it's just as hard being a grandparent and not saying anything to rock any boats.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:44:29

Thanks Antonia

nananina Wed 04-Jan-17 14:53:18

I've been busy not rocking boats for almost 20 years!!! Very passive son - dominated by DIL - but then he allows it to happen, but this doesn't stop us feeling hurt for our son when DIL demands he does this that or the next thing. There are 2 children - boys aged 9 and 11 - son does everything for them - always has right from the word go..............BUT we say nothing and never will. I have I admit talked to my son about the dynamic but he says it's the only way it works (which says it all really) I reckon the greatest sacrifice you can make for your adult "child" is to not rock the boat between him and his wife.......................

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:27:56

Ah nananina....a girl after my own heart. Your words mean so much , thank you. Most men want a quiet life. I do however fear for their relationship when she puts their child before him. To be sleeping apart in their thirties just seems so wrong......unless there are visits before sleeptime smile .Their son was never allowed out of his room during the night after 2 years of age but their daughter has them wrapped round her little finger.

NannyMo76 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:28:38

I hate to think what she will be like as a teenager.

thatbags Wed 04-Jan-17 16:17:11

Why not have the boy to stay with you a bit more often. I'm sure he'd enjoy having his grandparents read him stories.

Anya Wed 04-Jan-17 16:28:45

Good idea.