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Not sure how I feel

(41 Posts)
Flaxseed Wed 04-Jan-17 22:54:49

DD2 (23) found out today she is pregnant.
I've felt ready for grandchildren recently but now feel confused about the news!
Her and partner are happy (although shocked) as they went through a mutually agreed termination 4 years ago which they never quite recovered from.
They have a substantial deposit for a flat and intended to start looking for one around April when they have saved more.
It's early days so no one else knows and I feel like I'm carrying a huge burden!
I feel I should be happier but I'm worried about everything!
Miscarriage, how they will cope emotionally and financially, her giving birth (my job is loosely connected to midwifery so see all the worst case scenarios), how we will tell DD1 who has been having gynae problems, and selfishly, how it will impact on my relationship with partner if DD2 needs to continuing living here with baby until they find accommodation.
Ok. So I admit I the worry far too much - but surely these are all justified?!
I am really trying hard to be excited for DD, but inside I'm just feeling... well a bit 'meh' really.

This isn't how I should feel - is it?!

Mair Mon 09-Jan-17 17:46:17

DD1 has not been told she's infertile. She has recently had an investigation for a gynae problem which could make things difficult (but hopefully not)

Oh good. Hopefully not indeed. I agree acknowledging her pain may not be enough, because while you want to give her hope that it will work out well, at the same time you need to help her to feel that even if the outcome of the referral isn't great that it's not the end of the world, and there are still many options, and even the childless option doesn't mean a life not worth living. What a fantastic role model we see now in Theresa May!

Unfortunately, until DD1 is pregnant herself, which could take some time, then I don't think its going to be an easy time for her. It wouldn't be anyway, as her friends start families, but having a younger sister surge ahead must be a particularly unpleasant medicine to swallow.

You are right that you cannot put things right for her, but avoiding baby talk, and helping her to feel her life is interesting to you and worthwhile whether she is a mum or not, may help keep irritation at bay.

Flaxseed Mon 09-Jan-17 16:30:59

Oh God. That all sounds so sad sad
But you are right. And of course I would let DD1 vent her feelings and hurt.
The trouble is - I will just want to make her stop hurting. But I can't.
What can I say to help? Just acknowledging her pain doesn't seem enough

DD1 has not been told she's infertile. She has recently had an investigation for a gynae problem which could make things difficult (but hopefully not)
She is awaiting gynae referral

I am gradually getting over the shock of the news and feeling very relaxed talking about it to DD2, but it's so bloody hard to tear myself between one DD's excitement and another's pain

Mair Mon 09-Jan-17 13:49:49

"I want to see DD1 and explain that it is possible for us to all be happy about both occasions"

You and DD2 can be happy about both , but what I am trying to say is, I am not sure its fair to put any expectation on DD1 that she should be "happy" about this?

She is understandably jealous and resentful, and feels herself justified in this due to her sisters very bad timing. Don't you think giving her an opportunity to express her hurt and unhappiness over it may be better than pressurizing her to put on a smiling face? Avoiding any mention of the j word by you of course hmm. If she can acknowledge her negative feelings to you, then you can move on from there and hopefully she will accept it eventually and realise how foolish it would be to harbour resentment indefinitely. Bear in mind it's going to be extremely painful to DD1 when the baby arrives too, to see her sister holding and feeding that baby, and see you cooing over a first GC, one that should 'rightfully' be hers!

Flaxseed Mon 09-Jan-17 12:43:33

Thanks mair
DD2 is a sweet, caring girl who totally understands why her sister is upset and has acknowledged that.

She is chief bridesmaid to DD1.
There will be about 9 months between baby's arrival and the wedding. DD2 has already promised DD1 she'll do all she can to lose her baby weight!

Me ex husband and mum are not impressed with DD1's frostiness - but DD2 has told them that under no circumstances must they relay this to her.
DD1 has been texting DD2 today although there has been no mention of the pregnancy.
But DD2 is just happy that they are communicating for now.

I want to see DD1 and explain that it is possible for us to all be happy about both occasions and that I will support them both just as I always have, but I'm backing off myself for now and communication between us is just being kept to 'normal' stuff we would normally discuss.

Mair Mon 09-Jan-17 12:20:07

"But I've suggested her backing off to let DD1 come to terms with it in her own time."
"Just hope it's not too long"

Good advice to DD2. I think it might take rather longer than youd hope though for DD1 to come to terms with it and some acknowledgement of her right to feel a bit miffed from DD2 might help?

She should try to put herself in her sisters shoes. DD1 has fertility issues, a source of great sadness/anxiety for her. DD1 also has a wedding planned, at which presumably DD2 is going to be a BM? Whether thats a big bellied BM or with a baby in arms its not what DD1 expected, not what (in her circumstances sad) she wants to be reminded of on her wedding day either.

Bearing this in mind its probably best if 'excitement' is focussed on DD1s wedding , not the baby, since DD2 has no sadness, she is getting exactly what she wants, her man, her house and a baby (all at once and only twenty three!)

Looking at it from DD1s viewpoint, if this baby was planned, then the timing was awful, utterly tactless of DD2 not to wait till after the wedding. If on the other hand it was genuinely an accident then DD1 is not unreasonable to describe her as "stupid", after she was obliged to have an unhappy termination four years ago, and has been sexually active a long time, then its not unreasonable to expect she would have sorted out her contraceptives.

My feeling is conciliation should not be expected purely by DD1 having to come to terms with it. Through either 'stupidity' or insensitivity DD2 is causing DD1 some hurt, and she should acknowledge that ideally, and accept that DD1 has a right to feel some level of anger. Whether she is capable of such self reflection, or whether she would lash out in anger at you over any indication that she is being judged negatively for what she has done, I dont know. You know her well though and might think about this. It certainly is a tightrope to walk, as you want to be on good terms with both, as well as healing the rift between them.

Good luck!flowers

Flaxseed Sun 08-Jan-17 22:40:33

Thanks mair
I agree with everything you have said there.
And I have already communicated exactly what you suggested to DD1.

DD1 is a bit of a control freak so her reaction is exactly what we expected. I do feel for her as she is so excited about her wedding.
I just hope she soon realises that it is possible for her family to be excited about both occasions! Of course I have told her this but I think she needs time to realise it's true.

DD2 has been upset today as she is really feeling her sisters 'frostiness'
But I've suggested her backing off to let DD1 come to terms with it in her own time.
Just hope it's not too long sad

Mair Sun 08-Jan-17 18:25:20

I am not a bit surprised at DD1s reaction. This was obviously going to bring every grain of sisterly jealousy rising to the surface and exacerbated by the bad timing distracting from her wedding ( a bid to take centre stage). DD1 is right too of course, the timing IS "stupid", but you are where you are, and if its not the best start for the young couple, it will be fine in the end.

Perhaps you can win DD1 round a bit by agreeing with her, but point out how upset DD2 was by the termination, and that this is what probably lies behind it all. The important thing is the girls dont fall out. If DD1 cannot have children then she might be asking DD2 to carry one for her at some point in the future. Meanwhile hopefully she will be a much loved aunt.

Flaxseed Sun 08-Jan-17 10:10:06

Thanks for all your posts and stories.
Seems there's a mix of happiness and shock at being told the news!
Mair , the housing issue should hopefully be sorted/nearly sorted by the time the baby is here.
They had bad mortgage advice late last year and have since been told to go back in April when they have another years 'books' (both self employed)
I just wish this could have happened when it had been sorted! Searching for and moving whilst being heavily pregnant isn't going to be fun! But it's 'do able' of course.
I have told her not to rush into the first property they find, but to stay with me until they find the right one.

They told the other future grandparents the other day and got the same shocked reaction. But they are being supportive.

DD1's reaction has set me back. She's very organised and a great one for planning. She again, was shocked and her reaction was to tell her sister (they are normally like best friends) that she is 'stupid'
So this weekend, I am feeling crap as I'm listening to DD1 off loading about how stupid her sister is and DD2 asking what to say to make her sister accept this!!!

I do know it'll all come good.
I do know that everyone will recover from the shock
I do know that future GC will be loved by all
I just don't like the 'getting to that stage' journey!!
Thanks for your support. It's good to offload to people detached from the situation.

Mair Fri 06-Jan-17 11:22:10

The major problem here I think seems to be the housing issue and the fact that DD and her partner do not yet have their own home.
I think the best thing you can do to support DD is assist them to find their own place. I would imagine that in their situation there would be a strong possibility of their getting onto a housing association shared ownership scheme, which would be a step onto the housing ladder.
If they are interested in this then they should start the ball rolling asap. It would be great if they could be into their own home before the baby arrives.

rosesarered Fri 06-Jan-17 10:12:01

That's nice to hear Anno smile

annodomini Fri 06-Jan-17 10:09:26

I can understand your ambivalence. My first GC was a shock. DS was 19 and the GF five years older, divorced with two children. She claimed it was an accident but I have never believed it. However, my GD has, for 25 years, brought me great joy. Parents' relationship floundered (thank goodness!) and DS is happily married with two more children. GD has always had a good relationship with him and her stepmother and half siblings. She lived with them after graduation until she found good employment and now has a partner whom she lives with. She is a wonderful young woman and I am so proud of her.

dorsetpennt Fri 06-Jan-17 09:10:12

When my son rang me eight years ago to say I was going to be a granny , I was on cloud nine with happiness. Now I have two GDs and being a granny us wonderful. Enjoy it instead of worrying about it. I have friends who would love to be grandparents .

Jane10 Fri 06-Jan-17 08:04:56

Flaxseed focus on the positives. So much to look forward to -a family wedding and a new little person in your life. This time next year all of this worry will seem irrelevant. sunshine

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 22:37:06

Oh lovey sorry to hear that. I hope things improved flowers

However, if I'm honest I keep having waves of feeling the same.

Not so miserable today, but definitely scared and worried.

Lovey Thu 05-Jan-17 21:50:38

I felt scared, sick with worry, and miserable.

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 21:09:30

I think there's a lot of truth in your post.
She was very affected by the termination.

DD1 is planning a wedding and involving me and DD2 in the planning, so focussing on that will help.

I can see it's going to be like walking a tightrope though! Not wanting to overshadow DD1's wedding excitement but at the same time not wanting to dismiss DD2's excitement! confused
She's away with work at the moment so will be told the news at the weekend when she's home
It's going to be tough. Not sure if DD2 wants me there or not - either way, I'm dreading it

Mair Thu 05-Jan-17 18:06:40

Given that your daughter was upset about the termination four years ago, I am going to stick my neck out and say I think this baby almost certainly was planned, possibly by both of them or possibly by just your DD, but its great that the boyf is fully supportive anyway.

I think she's probably afraid to tell you this as she knows she has acted a little irresponsibly and should have waited, especially since as you say it could be a bit of a burden on you and your partner. However this also suggests she is very keen to have the baby, desperately impatient even, and it will be much loved.

I dont think you should expect your older DD to be happy. Nobody likes to be overtaken by their younger sister on life's journey, and the fact that DD2 has done it the wrong way round is likely to make it even more irritating for her, but as has been said, thats life, and DD2 cannot put hers on hold because of her sisters problems. It might be wise though not to overdo the baby excitement in front of DD1 but instead when with her to continue to talk about her life and the other things you talk about currently. Even if she seems pleased she might be just putting on a brave and generous front.

Bdaparadise2015 Thu 05-Jan-17 11:11:46

Over 3 yrs ago I found out daughter was pregnant. She had just met boyfriend like 6 months prior. My mouth dropped when she showed me the ultrasound. She lives in Canada we don't. I was just visiting her. All these thoughts came into my head I was so worried about so many things for her.... you know the 'what if' syndrome.... Three years on daughter and boyfriend are still together.... he bought a house.... and our granddaughter is a gift from heaven. We love her to death. I have embraced being a grandmother, although from afar, hook line and sinker. I know it's not easy as we always worry about our kids but try to relax and you will be blessed with so much once your grandchild comes into the world and be thankful if you live close by to be able to see him/her as much as you can. It's a wonderful experience to love and be loved by a grandchild.

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 10:29:47

annemac congratulations by the way!

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 10:27:29

thatbags No I didn't worry so much back then.
I think it's having children that set me off for a lifetime of it grin

And, at that stage I wasn't working in the same department.
I actually witness the worse case scenario's and it's extremely frightening.

Elegran Haha!! Good answer.

marmark DD had problems with all synthetic hormones so has been through implant, Mirena and numerous pills. They resorted to barrier methods recently. Which as we all know are not quite as reliable as we would like hmm

I know that feeling of heart stopping when the phone rings.
DD2 crashed her car 10 days after passing her test and the first person she rang was me. I answered the phone and all I could hear was sobbing.
A month later I answered the phone to my mum who had to break the news (my age 40 something) DB had been found dead.
I actually hate answering phone calls from loved ones now!

annemac101 Thu 05-Jan-17 10:08:24

When my DD was pregnant my overriding feeling was worry. Her and her husband are doing well, have a nice house etc but she waited so long for this baby I was just worried how she would cope if something went wrong. Every phone call from her stopped my heart beating for a second. We now have a lovely ten week old baby girl and we all couldn't be happier. It's so hard to stop worrying but it takes away the enjoyment. Just try to enjoy everything else will work out.

Elegran Thu 05-Jan-17 10:04:32

Same way it always happened, Marmark.

Marmark1 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:59:12

Em, how do you get a unplanned pregnancy today?

Jane10 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:37:53

You sure are. Just think of all the new doors opening on your future. Christmas next year? Birthday parties? Fun!
(and somebody new to worry about but that's the price of love and its well worth paying)

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 09:33:13

christinefrance and jane
Thank you.

This thread has made me feel so much better this morning!

Eeks!! I'm going to be a Nan grin