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Not sure how I feel

(40 Posts)
Flaxseed Wed 04-Jan-17 22:54:49

DD2 (23) found out today she is pregnant.
I've felt ready for grandchildren recently but now feel confused about the news!
Her and partner are happy (although shocked) as they went through a mutually agreed termination 4 years ago which they never quite recovered from.
They have a substantial deposit for a flat and intended to start looking for one around April when they have saved more.
It's early days so no one else knows and I feel like I'm carrying a huge burden!
I feel I should be happier but I'm worried about everything!
Miscarriage, how they will cope emotionally and financially, her giving birth (my job is loosely connected to midwifery so see all the worst case scenarios), how we will tell DD1 who has been having gynae problems, and selfishly, how it will impact on my relationship with partner if DD2 needs to continuing living here with baby until they find accommodation.
Ok. So I admit I the worry far too much - but surely these are all justified?!
I am really trying hard to be excited for DD, but inside I'm just feeling... well a bit 'meh' really.

This isn't how I should feel - is it?!

paddyann Wed 04-Jan-17 23:09:55

Just try to be happy for them ,and please dont make her feel bad about your other daughters gynae problems ,thats not fair.If they are pleased about this second chance then you should be too,sure there are potential problems ,i had 6 miscarriages and two prem births so I know all too well what they are ,BUT most women have good pregnancies and straight forward deliveries,so dont get wound up about what COULD happen.Congratulations Granny,you'll be as besotted as the rest of us were with our GC

gillybob Wed 04-Jan-17 23:12:34

Sorry I can't offer any "real" advice Flaxseed but I would think along the lines of "if she is happy, then I am happy too" .

You say her partner is happy too which is great.

I think you should rejoice in the fact that you are going to be a grandma and give her all the help and encouragement you can. Stay well away from all the horrors you may have seen/heard in your job.

Congratulations to you.

Anniebach Wed 04-Jan-17 23:21:28

My elder daughter has three children, my younger daughter is unable to have a baby, this must not take away the joy of a new life

If you drive s car do you think of all the crashes which happen every year ?

Be happy for your daughter ,

merlotgran Wed 04-Jan-17 23:27:51

Just relax and go with the flow.

Flaxseed Wed 04-Jan-17 23:28:25

Thanks for your responses (and the congratulations!)
I would never let her know DD2 know how I am feeling.
I admitted to being shocked, but then so did she! I congratulated her and have been positive in front of her.
DD is worried about telling her sister and despite being worried myself, I did tell DD that I am sure her sister will be happy for her after the initial shock!

It all just feels like the timing is wrong. DD2 and partner still living apart, with parents. Their hard earned money has now got to stretch to baby stuff as well as home stuff.
Obviously I'll help out where I can but pretty much live hand to mouth myself and have no savings.

God I sound a grump hmm
I think I'm just in shock. I know I'll be smitten once baby is here wink

GracesGranMK2 Wed 04-Jan-17 23:30:14

I think you have to go through all these thoughts even though you are happy for her but they will fall away as the days go by. Quite a few issues to deal with but you will do it I'm sure.


Nelliemoser Wed 04-Jan-17 23:36:52

flaxseed I cannot come up with any ideas that could help but I do understand why you feel so worried by the possible difficulties that may occur.

rubylady Thu 05-Jan-17 04:28:27

Was this baby planned or not? I think if it was unplanned and just happened that way, then he/she has been sent for a reason and your daughter will start to heal because of it. It could even help your other daughter too, although it will be hard for her but she also should be happy for her sister.

If it was planned and they are still living apart and have no house together yet, then I understand your emotions. But it is still their decision and you will have to think that they will get on their feet eventually.

The only thing you can do is help them make a budgeting plan to help get them money together for the baby and the house. Get them to see that they may have to look for second hand baby items, freecycle is good, ebay etc. Not everyone can have new and if money is tight, then they have to cut their cloth.

Make sure that you come to some agreement in what you will be providing for, a special gift of maybe the pram or cot etc. But stick to it, they have to learn that if they want a family, they have to provide for it. My ED was a good one for the emotional blackmail of "asking" for things but not (IYSWIM), and I had my hand constantly in my pocket. Now I don't see my grandsons. So please be careful.

And please, stop worrying. This will sort out but this is supposed to be a very exciting and lovely time in your life as well as theirs. She most likely will sail through and have a bouncing baby in a few months who you will go ga ga over. Enjoy. (well, until he/she turns into a surly teenager anyway, grin). X

thatbags Thu 05-Jan-17 08:28:08

Did you worry a lot when you were pregnant, flaxseed?

23 is grown up. Unless she asks for advice, say nothing expect how pleased you are for them both.

rosesarered Thu 05-Jan-17 08:37:13

Flaxseed welcome to the
There's often not a right time to have a baby, yet when they arrive it's joyous.
Focus on being optimistic with your DD ( sounds as if you are anyway) and hope for a good outcome.

downtoearth Thu 05-Jan-17 09:10:09

I think an unplanned pregnancy is a shock to parents and their parents..I remember both one of my own and my daughters and the reactions where totally different from when the pregnancies where planned ..I think everyone felt more in control of their does settle down I promiseflowers and congratulations

Christinefrance Thu 05-Jan-17 09:10:59

Welcome to the world of grandparenting flaxseed, some worries, some tongue biting and lots of love. There is never a right time to have a baby, when it happens it happens. Be happy for them and try to put your anxieties aside most pregnancies have a happy outcome. It's unfortunate you have experience of problem pregnancies - try to be positive for your daughter she will pick up on negative feelings. Most of us were not well off financially when we had our families but we had happy family lives. Be happy enjoy the time with your daughter. smile

Jane10 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:25:29

christinefrance says it all. Congratulations. A new Gran on the way!

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 09:30:59

Thanks for the welcome rosesarered and for all other replies replies.
In answer to a question from rubylady - despite DD & her partner being shocked, I think they had the 'if it happens, it happens' kind of attitude confused
I just wish they had waited until they had their flat first confused !
But as I mentioned further up, they've done really well to save a good deposit on not so brilliant salaries, so they are at least in a position to move out soon (don't mind them being here temporarily of course)
DD has already said they are worried about telling his mum as she'll be far more vocal about the timing! But DD is prepared for that and I have assured her, like everyone else, she will get over the shock and love her grandchild.

I am just one of life's natural born worriers.
Last nights worries was thinking about folic acid and iron levels (as hers have been low recently)!
Eventually popped a pill that I use if I can't sleep when working nights - so that I could switch off!

It's awful to be such a worrier sad but I doubt I'll ever change.

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 09:33:13

christinefrance and jane
Thank you.

This thread has made me feel so much better this morning!

Eeks!! I'm going to be a Nan grin

Jane10 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:37:53

You sure are. Just think of all the new doors opening on your future. Christmas next year? Birthday parties? Fun!
(and somebody new to worry about but that's the price of love and its well worth paying)

Marmark1 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:59:12

Em, how do you get a unplanned pregnancy today?

Elegran Thu 05-Jan-17 10:04:32

Same way it always happened, Marmark.

annemac101 Thu 05-Jan-17 10:08:24

When my DD was pregnant my overriding feeling was worry. Her and her husband are doing well, have a nice house etc but she waited so long for this baby I was just worried how she would cope if something went wrong. Every phone call from her stopped my heart beating for a second. We now have a lovely ten week old baby girl and we all couldn't be happier. It's so hard to stop worrying but it takes away the enjoyment. Just try to enjoy everything else will work out.

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 10:27:29

thatbags No I didn't worry so much back then.
I think it's having children that set me off for a lifetime of it grin

And, at that stage I wasn't working in the same department.
I actually witness the worse case scenario's and it's extremely frightening.

Elegran Haha!! Good answer.

marmark DD had problems with all synthetic hormones so has been through implant, Mirena and numerous pills. They resorted to barrier methods recently. Which as we all know are not quite as reliable as we would like hmm

I know that feeling of heart stopping when the phone rings.
DD2 crashed her car 10 days after passing her test and the first person she rang was me. I answered the phone and all I could hear was sobbing.
A month later I answered the phone to my mum who had to break the news (my age 40 something) DB had been found dead.
I actually hate answering phone calls from loved ones now!

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 10:29:47

annemac congratulations by the way!

Bdaparadise2015 Thu 05-Jan-17 11:11:46

Over 3 yrs ago I found out daughter was pregnant. She had just met boyfriend like 6 months prior. My mouth dropped when she showed me the ultrasound. She lives in Canada we don't. I was just visiting her. All these thoughts came into my head I was so worried about so many things for her.... you know the 'what if' syndrome.... Three years on daughter and boyfriend are still together.... he bought a house.... and our granddaughter is a gift from heaven. We love her to death. I have embraced being a grandmother, although from afar, hook line and sinker. I know it's not easy as we always worry about our kids but try to relax and you will be blessed with so much once your grandchild comes into the world and be thankful if you live close by to be able to see him/her as much as you can. It's a wonderful experience to love and be loved by a grandchild.

Mair Thu 05-Jan-17 18:06:40

Given that your daughter was upset about the termination four years ago, I am going to stick my neck out and say I think this baby almost certainly was planned, possibly by both of them or possibly by just your DD, but its great that the boyf is fully supportive anyway.

I think she's probably afraid to tell you this as she knows she has acted a little irresponsibly and should have waited, especially since as you say it could be a bit of a burden on you and your partner. However this also suggests she is very keen to have the baby, desperately impatient even, and it will be much loved.

I dont think you should expect your older DD to be happy. Nobody likes to be overtaken by their younger sister on life's journey, and the fact that DD2 has done it the wrong way round is likely to make it even more irritating for her, but as has been said, thats life, and DD2 cannot put hers on hold because of her sisters problems. It might be wise though not to overdo the baby excitement in front of DD1 but instead when with her to continue to talk about her life and the other things you talk about currently. Even if she seems pleased she might be just putting on a brave and generous front.

Flaxseed Thu 05-Jan-17 21:09:30

I think there's a lot of truth in your post.
She was very affected by the termination.

DD1 is planning a wedding and involving me and DD2 in the planning, so focussing on that will help.

I can see it's going to be like walking a tightrope though! Not wanting to overshadow DD1's wedding excitement but at the same time not wanting to dismiss DD2's excitement! confused
She's away with work at the moment so will be told the news at the weekend when she's home
It's going to be tough. Not sure if DD2 wants me there or not - either way, I'm dreading it