Son in Law problems

Say nothing, do nothing, keep well out of it. If you don't it could cause arguments between your DD and Sil. I don't know if you have DGC but if you were to get involved you could lose access to them so leave it to your daughter to see you if she arranges it but do not contact her or SiL. Let them make the pace and no matter how you feel bite your tongue and say nothing as if you do you could lose out the most. I know it must be hard but try to focus on your own life at the moment.

It's very difficult not to get involved, but try as much as you can. We tried to distance ourselves when my SIL left her husband of 40 years. She had an affair (and not the first one either) and now has a new life following a very nasty divorce.

It's not for us to judge other people's lives, family or not, and hopefully life will get better.

Perhaps an opportunity to concentrate on your and your husband's well being, and maybe take a short break away. xx

I am gobsmacked! You have managed to turn this distressing time for your son in law in to all about YOU and how YOU feel.

Back off, write a short note telling him you hope one day to be close again but completely understand he wants distance. And then leave it.

You won't do this of course.

I can't see why you have to apologise to him, as suggested. In any event this situation is between them, and it is always SO wise not to comment and to keep out of it as much as possible; if you agree heatedly with either side then if and when they get back together what YOU have said will be remembered and never forgotten! I think the above advice to keep smiling, accept that you have played no real part in this and they need time to calm down, and just wait for the great healer, time, to do its work. Good luck - it's a horrible place to be but like almost everything it will surely pass.

I don't know how long they have been together, but the first 10 years can be all about power with young people even into their late 30s, especially if you have two alphas. Both want to control the relationship... it's immature, but some people are insecure enough to carry this baggage with them eveywhere they go. And the power shifts from one to the other. They really should get some counselling.

Well now he is controlling you and trying to cut you out of your daughter's life by not wanting any contact with you. My grandsons father tries to put my DD in a bad light when we see him, does he think we are going to support him? She left him with good reason. We behave neutral.

Just be there for your DD. The rest as all the others say, keep out of it. Say nothing. He might come round and he is hurt but playing the victim and also now has the power to control your DD and her family.

The rift has happened and at the moment you must let them be.

Nanny knee you have acted as any loving mother would. You acknowledge that your daughter got close to another man, and also acknowledged that although hurtful to your son in law, there are always two sides to every story. The saddest part for me from your comments is the gift you bought him for Christmas, do not fall into the trap of trying to buy him it never works and again I am sure he is not perfect otherwise your daughter would not have felt the need for another man. You have done nothing wrong apart from love and support your daughter. I would say to other people on this site, do not judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes.

Good advice FarNorth.

I've been there and done that, although daughter didn't have a fling, just stayed out very late at a works do and drank far, far too much. SiL rang me to ask me to tell her not acceptable etc etc. In all other respects exactly the same.

It is no good batting it about between yourselves FarNorth is right. It can and does work

My advice - KEEP OUT - honestly it's the best and kindest thing to do.

Going against the flow here but is he talking about his wife or himself when he talks about lies and manipulation? The OP is the girl's mother for goodness sake and should not be vilified for supporting her daughter whatever she has done.

"He is a very controlling person and she always has to do as he says."

And now he is trying to control you. You've capitulated to his control to a small extent, trying to regain his favour with your Christmas gift, and he responded with silence. This is intended to make you capitulate further. Do not be manipulated by him. If he is controlling, your daughter will probably be better off outside of this marriage. I would continue to support my daughter and make sure she knew that you are on her side. Do not allow him to isolate her from her parents.

Good post FarNorth

Tell your daughter that you can't be unbiased and that if she needs to talk things out with someone other than her husband she should get counselling from Relate or someone similar.

She may decide not to stay with him if she is unhappy, in which case you can be there to support her in whatever decision she makes.
In the meantime perhaps it would be better not to take sides. He may be controlling but she was the one who had an 'affair' and must have lied. Even if you feel sympathetic towards her she did wrong and he is very upset.

Nobody's suggesting she apologises for her daughter's regrettable behaviour Ana I was thinking more that he was hurt and upset and rather than lend a listening ear and the chance to vent his feelings he got short shift from the sounds of it.

After all he was the injured party. It ought not not to have been a case of 'my daughter right or wrong' at least that's how I see it.

My daughter is still very much in contact but the problem is that she tells us too much and I get Defensive for her I need her to keep things to herself

Nannyknee Has your SIL confided with his parents as he has with you ? my best friend has just been through something similar with her DS & DIL and she was distraught as her son cried in her arms at the deception from his wife of 2 yrs and he also had from the MIL that he was controlling to some extent, my friend said to me do you know what it is like to hold your son whilst his whole body shakes with emotion and sadness when he has done nothing wrong so you need to look at both sides because imo your DD is not at all blameless and I would stand right back and let them repair any damage themselves.

Thank you for all your comments. I now understand I interfered too much and sided with my daughter. I will now leave him be until he is ready. I think he needs time away from us. I will still support my daughter but be more understanding with SIL THANK YOU ALL ??

Very difficult for all of you. The only thing you can do Nannyknee is to back off and let them sort things out in their own way. The last thing on your son in law's mind would be thanking you for a present. I understand you want to support your daughter but in this case things are best left unsaid.
It's hard to see our children with problems we cannot resolve for them any more.

I think that's two posters now who have said they think the OP owes her SIL an apology. What for? She hasn't told us what she said or how she reacted to his criticism of her DD.

What should she say? 'I'm so sorry my daughter is a cheat and a liar...?

It is their relationship. You only know what you have been told or observed so I would suggest you listen but avoid giving advice/siding with one or the other.

Your DD, for whatever reason, did not want/feel able to talk to her DH about how she was feeling about their relationship. Instead she sought comfort with another man.

She has to deal with the consequences of her choices.

If your SiL is emotionally abusive to your DD then the only thing you can do is to guide her to professional advice via Relate or similar service , maybe Women's Aid/Refuge.

i hope their is a positive outcome for your family.

its hard to admit our kids can do wrong ,but of course they can and do,if your daughter was so unhappy in her marriage her first port of call would have been her husband to try to sort the problem,if she bypassed him for a fling whether or not sexual,then she was in the wrong.Like someone else said she obviously lied about it to her husband so he was telling YOU the truth.I think you owe him an apology ...but wait until things have settled a bit

What a predicament!

Sure, sil was hurting when he spoke to you and dh, but dd must have been hurting, too, or why else would she have had an (emotional?) affair? SIL tried to get you to side with him and turn against your dd. That's just wrong, IMO. It's normal for you to be on dd's side and he should have left that alone.

I hope you didn't defend dd to him though. It would have been better to just listen and stay "noncommittal" as pps have said. But whatever you or dh said, it can't be unsaid now.

You've tried to smooth things over but it isn't working. Now please back off and give him time to heal.

How are things between you guys and dd? Is she still in touch with you? Concentrate on your relationship with her and let sil come around (or not) whenever he's ready.

What a horrible position you've found yourself in. Your daughter may or may not have been in the wrong but she's your daughter so of course you'll be on her side, of course your worried about the affect on family life. No it's not fair your being punished and hurt it's not your doing. Your SiL is very naturally hurt and so is lashing out and unfortunately your in the line of fire. Try to take anything he says with a pinch of salt, don't hold a grudge. Make your visits short and sweet and yes walk on eggshells for a while in the hope that things improve. Of course if your SiL is truly abusive and controlling then that will open another can of worms in the future but that's for another time. In the meantime don't take sides or join in any discussions with them as a couple. You can make it clear to your daughter that you'll be there to support any decision she comes too but what ever you do don't bad mouth him in her presence even if she does. Good luck and do your best not to brood on it too much.

Your sticking up for your Daughter even though she may be in the wrong.

We don't know if you said anything in response to your SiL's comments about your DD. I hope you stayed non-committal.

I agree with those who say keep out and let him deal with sorting out the marriage.