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Son in Law problems

(60 Posts)
Nannyknee Sat 07-Jan-17 14:07:55

Would like opinions from other mother in laws. My daughter had a very brief affair didn't sleep with the man. Her husband was obviously very upset and told me how awful my daughter was and how she lies and manipulates. This is just not true. He is a very controlling person and she always has to do as he says. He is now not speaking to my husband and I as he feels we have not supported him. They are now almost on track but he has cut us out of his life. We have tried to make amends and sent him a lovely Christmas gift but he has t even thanked us. I am at my wits end, I really don't want this family rift. Any help will be appreciated thanks.

MissAdventure Sat 07-Jan-17 14:36:08

I would guess that your son in law has been very hurt, and still is, by your daughters infidelity.
Its a difficult situation all round, but hopefully things will come right, in time. Try not to take it personally, or to get too involved in the dynamics of their relationship.

tanith Sat 07-Jan-17 14:55:27

I'd just tread carefully and give him space till things settle down and do not discuss it with your daughter or that could come back to bite you on the bum. Your daughter has managed to get her relationship back on track she won't need you stirring the pot, maybe when he may forgive eventually but hes too angry and hurt yet.

Ana Sat 07-Jan-17 15:02:29

He probably also feels guilty for saying those things about your daughter to you, which obviously put you in a difficult position.

As the others have said, all you can do is give it time, don't try to win him over in any way.

Anya Sat 07-Jan-17 15:05:44

What do you expect? I don't think you've handled the situation very well and it would seem that you do not like your SiL much.

I think you owe him an apology. After all it was your daughter who had the affair.

nigglynellie Sat 07-Jan-17 15:50:00

It was a very difficult situation you found yourself in. On the one hand your SIL sounds quite domineering, which isn't easy to live with and almost certainly contributed, if not caused your daughter to be susceptible to someone else who wasn't. On the other hand SIL obviously doesn't see it that way! Really the only way to handle this dilemma is to sit on the fence from day 1, as so often things are resolved between the protagonists, leaving you, having come down on one side (rather naturally your daughters!) as the MIL from hell!! I do feel for you, but I think all you can do is discuss it with your daughter and treat your SIL as you did before this happened and just hope that with time things right themselves between you. Good luck!

paddyann Sat 07-Jan-17 16:03:35

your daughter had an affair ,you only have her word for it that she didn't sleep with the man ,her husband clearly doesn't believe thats the case,I would back off .He's obviously hurt and angry and as her mother you will not want to see her in a bad light If he's so controlling why does she stay?

thatbags Sat 07-Jan-17 16:38:29

Your son-in-law certainly does have a problem to deal with as his wife was unfaithful. It isn't really any of your business. Say nothing. Do nothing. Just keep out of it. That's clearly what he wants if he has stopped speaking to you. His stance is not unreasonable in the circumstances.

If it makes you uncomfortable, that's just tough. He is uncomfortable too, and justifiably so. Leave him alone.

Izabella Sat 07-Jan-17 17:01:29

Your daughter had an affair. So she probably does lie and manipulate. It goes with the territory but hard for you Nannyknee to accept. I agree with thatbags. An unusually harsh post from me but this is the real world.

Jalima Sat 07-Jan-17 17:08:35

she lies and manipulates. This is just not true
But it must be true unless she told her husband she was going out to meet another man (not for sex).

FarNorth Sat 07-Jan-17 17:12:40

We don't know if you said anything in response to your SiL's comments about your DD. I hope you stayed non-committal.

I agree with those who say keep out and let him deal with sorting out the marriage.

Marmark1 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:02:19

Your sticking up for your Daughter even though she may be in the wrong.

morethan2 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:48:45

What a horrible position you've found yourself in. Your daughter may or may not have been in the wrong but she's your daughter so of course you'll be on her side, of course your worried about the affect on family life. No it's not fair your being punished and hurt it's not your doing. Your SiL is very naturally hurt and so is lashing out and unfortunately your in the line of fire. Try to take anything he says with a pinch of salt, don't hold a grudge. Make your visits short and sweet and yes walk on eggshells for a while in the hope that things improve. Of course if your SiL is truly abusive and controlling then that will open another can of worms in the future but that's for another time. In the meantime don't take sides or join in any discussions with them as a couple. You can make it clear to your daughter that you'll be there to support any decision she comes too but what ever you do don't bad mouth him in her presence even if she does. Good luck and do your best not to brood on it too much.

Starlady Sun 08-Jan-17 11:25:10

What a predicament!

Sure, sil was hurting when he spoke to you and dh, but dd must have been hurting, too, or why else would she have had an (emotional?) affair? SIL tried to get you to side with him and turn against your dd. That's just wrong, IMO. It's normal for you to be on dd's side and he should have left that alone.

I hope you didn't defend dd to him though. It would have been better to just listen and stay "noncommittal" as pps have said. But whatever you or dh said, it can't be unsaid now.

You've tried to smooth things over but it isn't working. Now please back off and give him time to heal.

How are things between you guys and dd? Is she still in touch with you? Concentrate on your relationship with her and let sil come around (or not) whenever he's ready.

paddyann Sun 08-Jan-17 12:27:37

its hard to admit our kids can do wrong ,but of course they can and do,if your daughter was so unhappy in her marriage her first port of call would have been her husband to try to sort the problem,if she bypassed him for a fling whether or not sexual,then she was in the wrong.Like someone else said she obviously lied about it to her husband so he was telling YOU the truth.I think you owe him an apology ...but wait until things have settled a bit

Penstemmon Sun 08-Jan-17 12:29:39

It is their relationship. You only know what you have been told or observed so I would suggest you listen but avoid giving advice/siding with one or the other.

Your DD, for whatever reason, did not want/feel able to talk to her DH about how she was feeling about their relationship. Instead she sought comfort with another man.

She has to deal with the consequences of her choices.

If your SiL is emotionally abusive to your DD then the only thing you can do is to guide her to professional advice via Relate or similar service , maybe Women's Aid/Refuge.

i hope their is a positive outcome for your family.

Ana Sun 08-Jan-17 12:49:28

I think that's two posters now who have said they think the OP owes her SIL an apology. What for? She hasn't told us what she said or how she reacted to his criticism of her DD.

What should she say? 'I'm so sorry my daughter is a cheat and a liar...? confused

Christinefrance Sun 08-Jan-17 13:06:12

Very difficult for all of you. The only thing you can do Nannyknee is to back off and let them sort things out in their own way. The last thing on your son in law's mind would be thanking you for a present. I understand you want to support your daughter but in this case things are best left unsaid.
It's hard to see our children with problems we cannot resolve for them any more.

Nannyknee Sun 08-Jan-17 13:09:21

Thank you for all your comments. I now understand I interfered too much and sided with my daughter. I will now leave him be until he is ready. I think he needs time away from us. I will still support my daughter but be more understanding with SIL THANK YOU ALL 😄😄

glammanana Sun 08-Jan-17 13:24:39

Nannyknee Has your SIL confided with his parents as he has with you ? my best friend has just been through something similar with her DS & DIL and she was distraught as her son cried in her arms at the deception from his wife of 2 yrs and he also had from the MIL that he was controlling to some extent, my friend said to me do you know what it is like to hold your son whilst his whole body shakes with emotion and sadness when he has done nothing wrong so you need to look at both sides because imo your DD is not at all blameless and I would stand right back and let them repair any damage themselves.

Nannyknee Sun 08-Jan-17 13:46:17

My daughter is still very much in contact but the problem is that she tells us too much and I get Defensive for her I need her to keep things to herself

Anya Sun 08-Jan-17 14:18:55

Nobody's suggesting she apologises for her daughter's regrettable behaviour Ana I was thinking more that he was hurt and upset and rather than lend a listening ear and the chance to vent his feelings he got short shift from the sounds of it.

After all he was the injured party. It ought not not to have been a case of 'my daughter right or wrong' at least that's how I see it.

Jalima Sun 08-Jan-17 15:00:42

She may decide not to stay with him if she is unhappy, in which case you can be there to support her in whatever decision she makes.
In the meantime perhaps it would be better not to take sides. He may be controlling but she was the one who had an 'affair' and must have lied. Even if you feel sympathetic towards her she did wrong and he is very upset.

FarNorth Sun 08-Jan-17 18:35:18

Tell your daughter that you can't be unbiased and that if she needs to talk things out with someone other than her husband she should get counselling from Relate or someone similar.

Izabella Mon 09-Jan-17 09:35:03

Good post FarNorth