Should we tell him?

I think it happens a lot in families.
A very sad situation for you pooohbear ?
Good luck for the future.

Just to let you all know I have kept up to date with the postings on this thread, and refuse to get drawn into any arguments. Sad to read I am not the only one with an adult child who has cut them out of their lives.

Certainly let him know. He has a right to know, whether he acknowledges the death is up to him. At least he will not be able to say he was not told.

Could you email, putting details "FYI x has died" in title? Then he will see it even if he would otherwise delete a message from you unread. A bit harsh, but it is right to notify him that his grandfather has died, whether you think he will want to know or not. Otherwise I agree that you should ask someone he is on speaking terms with to pass on a message.

For no reason that any of the family knew (and there were 10 children in the family) one of my aunts got married secretly, didn't mention it to her mother or anyone else until she was pregnant and then moved out of the family home and didn't reappear till after her mother died. People can be very odd.

Tell DiL and let her decide if telling her husband will cause them problems.

That's heartbreaking Aslemma

Sad though it is, some children do just cut parents out of their life for no apparent reason. A close friend of mine had scarcely any contact with one of her sons, though she was in contact with her GS on FB. She had no idea why she had been cut out as they had been close. In the end she decided to write to him and got me to do an address label for the envelope and another friend to post it. Her letter was loving and in no way accusative, simply asking if there was any reason and apologising for anything she might have done in his veyes to cause it. He replied that she had nothing to blame herself for and he wished her and the rest of the family well, but had no desire to be a part of it. It broke her heart but at least she knows where she stands and will continue to keep in touch with her GS and send him presents on his birthday and Christmas.

Sorry to hear you are in a similar position to me but in my case it is daughter (no communication for 10 years ! no explanation, no discussion, no arguments, no falling out !_ BUT I never fail to manage to find out where she is living and with whom ...and I simply send a postcard (as I know she used to throw unopened cards etc straight in the bin) ..a postcard can be read by anyone else in the house who will know that you tried to communicate with your son...thereby you have no need to feel guilty if he says you did not tell him...or as had been suggested proof of receipt, except that he may not choose to accept the letter and sign for it....notice in the death column of his local paper ..if he reads one.....

A very difficult situation .I know what you are going through being in the same boat and I do hope you can find a solution.

I think a printed card and envelope is the way to go, this is what happens in Germany.

You need to let him know or else you will be blamed for not telling him...

Regardless of how he feels, I think OP should let her son know. I was told of my BiL [who I couldn't stand] death by accident - i was very hurt...
FiL/GP is family, whatever the relationship, is blood kin, so he needs to know. What he chooses to do is up to him, he is grown-up and will have to live with his decision.

Surely the easiest way is to get a message to him through his MIL as you suggested. He can then respond how he wants to and can ignore it also. But you should definitely let him know of his grandfather's death and the arrangements for the funeral.

Good luck Poohbear, I hope it all works out. I think you're very wise just providing an outline of your private situation on a public forum. Far better to keep your more personal details confined to a closed or secret group should you wish to share them.

pooohbear2811 Simply pass on the information and then it's down to him. I hope that at some point in the future things sort themselves out. I feel for you

f77ms I like your suggestion, nothing more is needed than details of Funeral, in that format he can read/ignore/throw away whatever he likes. poohbear2811 he will never be able to say you didn't inform him, keep a copy & get Proof of Posting (free at Post Office) & leave it at thatto cheer you up

I wouldn't worry about writing the envelope by hand. He clearly wasn't greatly attached to his grandparents so if he chooses not to open the envelope he can hardly blame you a few years down the line. Had he been very fond of his grandparents I would be more worried that he might miss out on the information and would type the envelope.
Good luck. Whatever the reason for you son's attitude it is a sad situation for you and for his wife.

I'm for the printed envelope and printed card saying absolutely nothing other than time and date of death and funeral arrangements.

I'd just send a note with a typewritten envelope giving him the details. I know you may not want to revisit him cutting you off again but one thing quite noticeable in your account is that you seem to have taken the DIL's word that he doesn't want anything to do with you. If I were your son, if you walked back into my life where I'd said you could visit any time and then you took somebody else's word that you didn't want to see me so didn't visit me again, I'd think you didn't really care. It does rather sound as if your DIL is being manipulative from what you wrote and you have assumed that she is telling the complete truth.

In answer to stillaliveandkicking Sons can and do just stop talking to mothers I know because my 42 years old son did just that when my DGD was 1 year old she is now 3years old and we have not seen her for 2 years DH and I have racked our brains as to why this has happened and the only reason we have come up with is that we did not give her a birthday card on her 1st birthday but before anyone starts to say how awful all my family know that I do not believe in sending cards to anyone I much prefer to give my greetings personally and to donate the cost of cards postage etc to my favorite charity which I have done for many years On my DGD 1st birthday I threw her a big party and wished her Happy Birthday with big hugs and kisses.

Just send a nice note telling him the family news an funeral details.
Use your own hand writing, the choice whether to open to envelope is his and he is an adult.

Taking additional steps just plays into any paranoia about who speaks to who and why and will begin a subterfuge that is completely unnecessary.

You are both adults, this is just ordinary life, don't make more of it than it is.

OP is asking for advice on a specific issue , why do we have to know her life story ? Put it on a postcard (no opening required ) date and time of funeral etc then it is up to him if he attends .

I agree with Grannyben the poster asked about a specific issue not a comment on her parenting skills. Send the letter by recorded post then it's up to her son whether or not he opens it. He has to take responsibility for his actions, the poster is doing her best.

The person is not being judged,we are trying to make sense of the situation.stillaliveandkicking is stating a logical fact.None of us knows what's going on in OPs life.Unless we know the truth nobody can make a judgement.We are on the outside looking in,and yes it's true,something must have happened to result in them not speaking.Unless we know the truth it's impossible to give a reaction.
Me personally,if my son stopped speaking to me,yes,of course,I would want to know why.Its only natural.

The OP has asked for advice, on a specific problem, giving a bit of background information. I would write him a note, explaining what has happened and, at the bottom, saying I hope you are all well. If he recognises the handwriting, and chooses not to open the letter, that is up to him. If you think you may, at a later date, be accused of not notifying him, just get a confirmation of postage from the post office