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Should we tell him?

(49 Posts)
pooohbear2811 Tue 10-Jan-17 21:36:49

My son (32) for some reason has cut us out of his life. We have no idea why. I did throw him a life line 2.5 years ago and I eldest daughter (DD1) and I went so see him after we bumped in DIL locally . He welcomed us into his home and told us about his life and seemed genuinely happy to see us and then told us to come back anytime.
When DIL ( who knew we were visiting as she gave us the address) got home from work that night he never mentioned we had been. After communication between DIL and DD1 DIL mention to son that she knew we had visited and asked why he did not mention it - to which ( we were later told) he said he did not want to talk about it and did not want us in his life.
After their child was born we sent a present for grandchild but he refused to let DIL open i and stuck it in a cupboard, and I am told it is still there. He apparantly told DIL that she could have us in the child's life or him but not both, so she rightly chose my son.
Last week his grandfather, my FIL,died. My in laws were never really grandparents to them and had little interest in them despite them being the only three grandchildren they have. After my ex and I divorced the in laws did not want anything to do with me and the children. I am wondering if I should pass a message to my son through his MIL letting him know his grandfather is dead and when and where the funeral is. I am not sure he will come but should I give him the choice by passing on the information?
If I don't he may resent me in later years, if he ever bridges the gap and comes back into the family fold.
Should I pass on the information?
My other worry about passing the information on is whether it will cause another argument between son and DIL.
What would you do?

Moocow Tue 10-Jan-17 21:43:56

Very strange situation. Don't know how you manage however, I would get a very basic message to him giving the details but nothing more so you cannot be accused of trying to do more than give the information in case he wants to know.

Penstemmon Tue 10-Jan-17 22:08:12

Give him the information with no expectation /pressure for hm to attend funeral. His choice. If he comes be pleased to see hom. If no.. don't take offence!

FarNorth Tue 10-Jan-17 22:34:29

As you know his address, could you send a note giving the info and saying you thought he should know about it?

mumofmadboys Tue 10-Jan-17 23:28:04

I agree with Farnorth.

pooohbear2811 Wed 11-Jan-17 07:57:49

@Farnorth we thought about that but will need to get somebody else to write the envelope as he may not open it if hr recognises the handwriting.

Anya Wed 11-Jan-17 08:09:46

Then do just that. It's up to you to inform him yourself.

Marmark1 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:20:50

So sorry if this comes out all wrong,fortunately I've no experience of family break downs,only what I read about.But how can you not know why your son won't speak to you,I mean,I have a tricky DIL so I can see how it can happen,but if my son stopped speaking,I would want to know why and do my best to sort it out.

M0nica Wed 11-Jan-17 13:45:06

Why not type envelope and notification, so that it can be seen as a formal notification rather than a personal note.

FarNorth Wed 11-Jan-17 17:31:05

If you can't type the envelope, print the name and address on a sheet of paper, cut it out and stick it on the envelope.

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:39:38

I would just post a hand written letter telling him the details so that at least you have done the right thing. It's up to him what he does then. Take a copy of the dated and signed note and just leave it at that.
At this stage, you're the messenger. It's upto him if he reads it.
So sorry for you. Family rifts are very hard.

Willow500 Wed 11-Jan-17 18:14:01

I would definitely pass on a message through a third party. No matter what your son does about it at least you will know you've told him. My DIL found out her step father had died 3 years after it happened due to her estrangement with her mother - she was very upset by it even though she had had nothing to do with him in later years.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:16:22

There is definitely more to this.

Children just don't "cut" their parents out of their lives.

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:22:56

Stillaliveandbeingannoying. The OP has asked for specific help on a question not a post mortem on her family life.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:28:38

I personally don't give advice to people that pretend absolutely nothing happened. It's called lying or at the very least being delusional. I feel more for the child.

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:33:45

That's a relief then.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:36:16

Really niña. Parents can certainly feck up their kids huh.

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:41:27

Yes but do we have to judge everyone by what's happened to us? Can't someone ask a simple question without it being dissected into something else?

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:44:12

Us? So it's perfectly rational and plausible that a son would just decide not to have contact with a parent then? I don't think so.

rosesarered Wed 11-Jan-17 19:47:07

No, it isn't.....but there are perceived slights where none were intended, and to be honest I think that mental health issues affect more people than we realise.

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:51:02

Life isn't just about US Stillalive. Your issues are your issues. Until you know the full story you cannot judge. Are you off Mumsnet?

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:54:07

I just find it really weird that a son would just decide not to speak to his mother like that and hopefully most people are retrospective rather than blameless in these situation.

Not sure what your last comment means?

nina1959 Wed 11-Jan-17 19:55:51

Unless you know the story, you can't make a judgement.

stillaliveandkicking Wed 11-Jan-17 19:58:25

I like to ask why. Maybe the OP should ask why instead of stating that her son just decided to cut her off.

Grannyben Wed 11-Jan-17 22:07:02

The OP has asked for advice, on a specific problem, giving a bit of background information. I would write him a note, explaining what has happened and, at the bottom, saying I hope you are all well. If he recognises the handwriting, and chooses not to open the letter, that is up to him. If you think you may, at a later date, be accused of not notifying him, just get a confirmation of postage from the post office